Burger King Aragorn's and Gollum's
Burger King has announced a voluntary recall of 2.6 million toys because of a potential choking hazard to children.
And with this opening sentence, taken from Newsnet5 (whatever the hell that is) I step into the darker world of fast food toys.

Many the time one will have stepped into a BK joint or a McDonald's and gaped in wide wonder at the crap they've stuck in the kiddies meals. It's no small wonder we've grown up with a generation of yobbo's, fuck-wits and republicans.

"Why," I hear you ask, "don't they put books in the kiddies meals?"
Well....many the time I myself have posed that very same question. Probably because, if people learnt to read, they wouldn't want to work in fast food joints; flipping burgers and cleaning up spilt drinks by idiots who can't even hold a tray steady.
Here's exhibit A.
Note the colours, the happy smiles and the total uselessness of it all. Whatever it's supposed to be!

This is the fast food toy that was removed 2.6 million times.
Think of that number for a minute: 2.6 million. That's a hell of a lot of 0's!!!
At least exhibit B is recognisable.
Note the colours, the smiley faces and the excellent use of scale.

I have to admit that the mermaid does look very sexy.
What's great about these FFT's is that they move by themselves!!!
Oh yes, the fish can wag its tail, the mermaid can wag her tail and the dirty red thing can almost certainly wag some part of its miserable body as well.
Exhibit C is just plain sickening.
It's a well known fact that Lucas would whore his mother to make an extra buck, but this is merchandising gone mad!

Note the colours, note the long sticky things the heads are balanced on and note the weird blue light surrounding Vader's head.

What on earth were BK and Lucas thinking when they impaled the beloved characters on Ewok sticks? What was the goal group?


So.....where does this leave Lord of the Rings?

Will we have glow in the dark Gollum's?
Will we have doll Arwen's with soft, massagable wobbly bits?
Will we have Boromir's with arms that can stab backwards?

Whatever they shove down our throats, we can rest assured they'll be made of nice bright colours.
Whatever they make.....Kiddies in Taiwan will be assured of an income.
Whatever pops out of the kiddies bag will be all smiles, totally meaningless, useless, cheap and movable.


I'm hoping for the Arwen doll.....
Back to more Dick.
1