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OUR LITTEST ANGEL
   My husband and I decided that since our son Kyle was almost two to go ahead and start trying for our second baby. We started trying about a week after my last period (May 12, 1999). We found out on June 17, 1999 that I was pregnant. We was very surprised (cause we hadn't been trying long) but very happy. We was finally going to complete our family.  We could not wait to share our lifes with the new baby. We told everyone, even Kyle. He was very excited cause he loves babies. I would ask him were our baby was and he would point to my belly and smile really big.  Everyone else was so excited. We started picking out names (girl- Kassandra Nicole, Boy- Joel Elliott).  I started going threw all Kyle's babies clothes, got out all my pregnancy clothes and books. I couldn't wait  to see Kyle with his baby brother or sister. I never imagined anything would happen.

      My troubles started on July 11, 1999. I started spotting. I wasn't really worried about it (I had bleeding off and on with Kyle) until the next day when I noticed that it was very bright red and I was passing small clots. I called my doctor and he sent me over to the hospital. The doctor checked and said my cervixs was opened. My heart sunk. I really wasn't expecting to hear that. She said that it was opened just a little and that it didn't nessacarily mean a miscarriage. She ordered an HCG test and a ultrasound. At the ultrasound we seen and heard the baby's heartbeat. The baby measured at 7 weeks and 1 day gestation.  We even got a picture.  We was so relieved and very happy, but very worried cause my cervixs was opened some.. The HCG test came back good, so the doctor sent me home and told me to make an appointment with my doctor asap the next day.

      My doctor checked and said that my cervixs was CLOSED. He said that my cervix's is very irrated and that is probaly where the bleeding is coming from but that he couldn't tell for sure. He said that it could be a threatend miscarriage also. So he put me on bedrest, no sex and told me to come back in one week.  I spotted off and on that week. Sometimes it was alot sometimes very little. But god how I worried. It was the only thing on my mind. I couldn't sleep and I could bearly think straight.

      I went for my one week checkup. My cervix was still closed but the doctor was worried about the bleeding. He said the same thing as the week before. He also ordered an ultrasound for that Friday and a HCG test and to see him back in one week.  I went and had the HCG test done that day. I was starting to calm down some what. Everyone kept telling me that if I was going to miscarry that it would have already happen. Then the next day I had a gush of blood. I called the doctor and he sent me over to the ER. I have never seen such rude doctors. They treated me like I didn't mean anything. He LOOKED, didn't feel and said my cervix was closed, ordered a HCG test to compare with the one from the previous day and sent me on my way. I was so upset. Later taht night the nurse called me from the hospital with the results of the HCG tests. He told me that the level had dropped from yesterday and that it wasn't good news.  I didn't know what to do.  I posted on the pregnancy board at Parents place and someone wrote back that it was normal for the levels to drop when you reach 10-13 weeks. So I tried not to think about it. The next few days I still was having some spotting and passing small clots. I was so anxious and worried at the same time about the ultrasound that Friday.

      Well Friday had finally came. I was so  nervous cause I didn't know what they were going to tell me, but I really never expected to hear what I did. My ultrasound was for 10:15 that morning. The technician had to do a vaginal probe cause it would be easier to see the baby. She kept looking and I seen her measure the baby a few different times. Then I seen at the bottom of the screen it said 7 weeks 4 days, but it didn't hit me till  she asked me what the baby measured at the first ultrasound last week. Thats when she told me that she couldn't find a heartbeat. My heart froze. I can't explain in words how I felt. It felt like my whole body went numb. I started crying very badly and shaking. I kept thinking WHY? How could this happen. My baby can't be gone, I just seen it's heartbeat two weeks ago.  ALl kinds of questions and emotions was hitting me all at once. They only thing I wanted to do was get out of there.
      The doctor came in  and talked to me. He told me  that it's just something that happens and he wished he could give me a better explanation. He wanted to order a repeat ultrasound for Monday to rule out any errors. He said that I had two options. 1. D&C or 2. Let it happen naturally. I told him I didn't know what to do. So he shelduled a appointment on Tuesday for me to come in. I left that office with the worst feeling I had ever felt. I could not believe this was happening. How could this happen. What did I do? My baby was gone. I would never get to hold my baby or see my baby.

      Well I never made it till Monday. We went out to my mother in laws to spend the night. I woke up Sunday morning and was bleeding very badly and passing huge clots. I called my doctor and he sent me over to the ER. They  had to go ahead and do a D&C cause I was hemmorging. They put me asleep for the D&C, so I don't remember anything but I will never forget the feeling I had when I woke up.  I felt so empty, like someone had just taken a piece of my heart away.
     
      It as only been almost two weeks since I lost my baby. It is still very very hard for me. I can't sleep and feel very depressed at times. I still feel that emtiness.  Making this site has helped me.  It has been comforting to get all this out. To be able to tell everyone how I feel.  I am so sorry for anyone who has to go threw something like this. I don't know for sure, but for some reason I beleive my baby was a little boy.  I have not gave the baby a name cause I know it would be harder for me. Maybe sometime I will be able to.


UPDATE
One Year Later

August 8, 2000
Well I made it threw that terrible day (July 25). It was very hard. The day brought
back the memories of loosing my baby. I felt the pain all over again.
The pain has ceased but is always there. I think about it and feel that emptyness again.
I still cry for my baby once in a while, cry that he is not here with us.
I think about how old he would be and what he would be doing around this age.
One of the hardest things is seeing Kyle play with babies and thinking what it would
be like if we had our baby with us. Kyle would be such a good Big Brother.
It hurts, but I guess life goes on.

We have thought and talked about trying for another baby, but haven't yet.
. I don't know. I guess deep down I am still scared.
One of these days maybe we will.


UPDATE!
Almost 2 years later

April 05, 2001

Well I am doing better. I am now 11 weeks pregnant. Everything is going great
except all day sickness. Wish me luck!

UPDATE!
3 years 3 months later


October 20, 2002

Kayla Nicole was born on October 14, 2001! She just turned one. We are truly blessed
having her and Kyle.
   To my Precious Angel:
Mommy never got to see you or hold you but the short time you was with me I grew to love you very much. I will never forget you. You are now in gods hands so I know you are safe. I will see you when it is my time to go. I love you so much.  Love mommy.
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Please feel free to email me with any comments or questions
Established August 4, 1999
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