grief

   "When I returned to the house, there was no more sun, no toys, no colors. The silence of the hours to come. An empty room. What is it, a mommy without a baby?" Experiencing the loss of a baby can make couples feel as if the world has turned upside down in a matter of hours. They expected to be celebrating a new life and instead are confronted with death. The age of a child when it dies makes no difference; losing an infant can be just as hard as losing a ten year old. They will grieve for the future the child is missing. Grief is a complex process with many steps that help us cope with crisis and loss. No matter what form your grief takes you will experience several steps on the road to recovery.
     Tammy Novak President of the non-profit corporation Angel Babies Forever Loved, Inc., describes grief as many things. The pain can be physical as well as mental. You may experience tightness in your throat or chest, muscle weakness, difficulty breating, or trouble eating and sleeping. Ingrid Kohn, MSW, and Perry Moffitt authors of "A Silent Sorrow" say if a baby dies at birth, the mother might develop disturbing symptoms. She may imagine she hears the wails of her baby, a phenomenon called "phantom crying," or she may feel a kicking sensation in her womb after delivery. Dr. Kenneth Kellner, an obstetrician who has researched the needs of bereaved parents, found that mothers who heard phantom crying or imagined the baby kicking usually stopped having these sensations when they were allowed to see, hold, and say good-bye to their babies.
     Bereavement is the process of grieving. Each person experiences bereavement differently. The time it takes to go through all the steps, could take from several months to several years. The intensity of the process is also unique for each person. Mothers and fathers go through the stages of grief at a different pace. Mothers tend to take longer, due to the hormonal changes their body is experiencing. Fathers may not feel as close to the baby as the mother did, because he did not carry it for nine months. Fathers tend to bond with the baby after the baby is born, and when the baby dies that can not be done. The mother may have a compelling need to talk and cry about the loss. While the father may feel the need to be strong for the mother and put his grief aside. This may make the mother feel as if she is alone in her grief, and that no one understands. Grieving is a lonely process.
     Everyone agrees that there are several phases of grief. Some last longer than others, but all the steps have to be experienced before your grief can be integrated into your life. The first stage of grief is called initial shock. Emotional shock is a self-protective response, that gives your body time to strengthen yourself, to cope with such a devastating event. In this stage of grief you may feel numb. You may feel as if you are in a bad dream and are eventually going to wake up. You may cry uncontrollably. During this initial shock you will probably be able to recall every detail of the events that lead up to your baby's death, but the funeral and other preparations may be a total blank. The numbness and enial may come and go, but if you are allowed to grieve openly during this stage, it will diminish quickly.
     The next stage of grief is called acute grief. This is when the realization hits full force. This stage is an emotional and physical upheaval. The grief can consume you and will take away all of your energy. You may develop symptoms of a severe stress reaction, such as people do in a plane crash or a natural disaster. In this stage nightmares become common. One might relive the events of the death over and over in their head. The symptoms of this stage can be overwhelming; you may feel as if you are crazy. Guilt is also a recurrent emotion during this phase. You might ask you god why you are being punished, and wonder over and over at all the things you might have done to cause your child's death. Most parents entertain the thought of dying themselves. They may have a fear that everyone close to them is going to die. Anger will consume their every thought. They may find themselves mad at the doctors, their partner, and even themselves. Although these feelings will also become less severe with time, wave of emotion can continue for months or even years. This is the most exhausting stage of grief.