grief2

    After the severe emotions of acute grief subside you will enter a stage called grief work. Grief work is called this because that's what it is, work. It is long and hard. You will start functioning a little better, but you heart will still be with your child. You might have trouble focusing for long periods of time. This stage is also where you constantly are asking "what if?" During this stage you may be yearning and searching for you baby. One might imagine what he or she would be doing now, what they might look like, or how they may sound. Sadness and despair are constant during grief work. "It's not fair my baby died", "I'm not going to be a parent now", "Why me?", and "Life is meaningless" are commonly expressed. This stage then introduces envy into your group of emotions. You will become painfully aware of every infant or pregnant woman around. Becoming angered at the site of them, yet finding yourself compelled to look at them, is common. Couples may have to make excuses to friends and family members who are pregnant or have small children. These people may feel you should be over your grief by now, and not understand your feelings. This stage may last for several years.
     The final stage of grief is sometimes called resolution. This last step is where you begin to function in society again. You will begin to feel true relief and will not be constantly reminded of you loss. Coulples will be able to talk to others about their loss without becoming an emotional reck. At the beginning of this stage, they might began to experience guilt for feeling better. Couples might feel as if they are betraying their child. As time passes, you will feel as if a weight has been lifted from you shoulders. Your sleep patterns and appetite will return to normal. One might find a new appreciation for friends and family. You can expect to continue thinking about you loss, but other activities will become important as well. Your loss can become further integrated inot you life if you become a parent agian. The new child will never replace the one that was lost, but the feeling a new baby brings will bring joy to the couples lives. Even though, the final stage of grief is sometimes called resolution, reconciliation is the term used by Joanne Cacciatore founder of the non-profit organization MISS. She prefers reconciliation to resolution because at this point parents realize they will never "get over it". Integration is another widely accepted term for the last stage of grief, because instead of getting over your loss you incorporate it into your life. This stage will remain with you for the rest of your life. The last few lines of a poem by and unknown author describe the feeling that a parent will carry with them for the rest of there lives.
          "In my heart you hold a place,
          That no one could ever fill
          It broke my heart to lose you,
          But you didn't go alone
          For all my love went with you,
         The day God took you home."
     The loss of a child can make permanent changes in a couples' lives. In addition to the sadness you feel, other more positive changes will emerge. You may notice you have more compassion for others who have lost a loved one. You may have a deeper appreciation for all the good things in your life. One can never be the same person after losing a child. Grief is a natural and necessary response everyone experiences after losing a loved one. Bereavement takes longer than most people expect, often 6 months to five years or more, before the pain and preoccupation with you child subsides; however, a minimun time of one year is suggested for a sufficient grieving period. You may find yourself moving back and forth between the different stages of grief. Whatever the outcome of your grief, the road to recovery is long and difficult.
          "Grief is like a long valley, a winding valley where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape....Sometimes the surprise is the opposite one; you had left behind miles ago. That is when you wonder whether the valley isn't a circular trench. But it isn't. There are partial recurrences, but the sequence doesn't repeat" (C.S. Lewis)