JOMJanet3

    The paint chips were starting to fall. I slowly became inactive in the Mormon Church. I began studying the Bible and learning the true word of God. I read any Christian apologetics books I could find that addressed Mormonism. And I was haunted by horrible nightmares. Nightmares about going to hell. One evening I broke down crying at the kitchen table and told my parents I was afraid I was going to hell. They were completely shocked and didn't know what to do so they sent me to a psychologist who also happened to be a Christian. he admitted that my concerns were beyond the usual scope of his practice, but he would make an exception this time. He asked me bluntly if I thought he wsa going to hell. I said no, of course not, you are a Christian. Then he asked me why I thought I was going to hell. I admitted that the Mormon Church had brainwashed me so much that even though I highly doubted it was true, the guilt remained. It would take many more years before the guilt and fear would be completely removed.
     Because Mormonism undermines all Christian denominations (even their temple ceremony prior to 1990 called Christian pastors "hirelings of Satan), a lot of people that are lucky enough to get out never find God. Even though I had a belief in God and considered myself a Christian, for a few years I did not attend services anywhere. I was in no hurry to jump back into organized religion.
     I eventually returned to the Lutheran Church and felt great peace whien I did. I felt a real burden to inform Christians about the beliefs of Mormonism and gave many presentations to church groups about it and told my story. Praise God that many people had no idea what their beliefs were and were shocked when they found out. I was lucky enough to be asked to counsel a young man in my congregation who was thinking of joining Mormonism because ofhis girlfriend. Thank God he did not join and I was blessed to be able to have a part in his decision.
     One thing that I always wrestled with was feelings once I was out of Mormonism and in Christianity. I could never reconcile why I was such a fervent, enthusiastic Mormon but could not duplicate (or better yet, increase) those feelings in Christianity. I would stay enthused for a week or so and then it would fade away. I didn't realize at the time this was because I had not completely committed my life to Jesus. I believed but I was holding back, fearful of becoming a "fanatic" or worse, one of those people who were always talking about being born-again.
     I was also trying to fit God into my beliefs, instead of letting God change me as He saw fit. i was a member of a liberal protestant congregation. I even worked at the headquarters of this denomination, thinking that if I worked for God full-time, I could feel what I used to feel when I was a Mormon. BUt that proved fruitles because I wasn't ready to commit my heart just yet.
     In the year 2000, my husband and I moved to New Mexico. Even though the scenery was beautiful and we had a lovely home, I was very lonely inside and missed my parents and friends greatly. It was during this time that my extremely devoted Mormon cousin began having family problems. I looked for a Christian book to comfort him but knowing our beliefs were so different. I thought perhaps a Mormon book would help him more. After I purchased the book at the local Mormon bookstore, I started to leaf through it. Big mistake. Looking back on it now, I realize this was akin to dabbling with a ouija board or other occultic behavior. I was opening up the floodgates of all my past beliefs and memories and Satan used this to draw me back in. By the time I finished the book, I was almost convinced Mormonism was true again and that I had been deceived for the past 20+ years. Its funny because after I read this book and all the books that I would read within the next month, I was fearful of the dark again. I would always leave a light on at night and sleep with the covers over my head. Deep down inside my soul I must have realized that I was again traveling on the dark side and forces were around me trying to finish me off for good.
     "You're playing with fire", the voice inside my head said. I had just sat down in a Mormon ward for the first timein 21 years. I ignored the warning voice and the service began. How could a Christian woman who had spent the last 20 + years of her life studying hte errors of Mormonism come back to what she knew was wrong? It was Easter Sunday at the Bernalillo Ward. I was looking forward to hearing local ward members talk about the glorious resurrection of our Savior! None did, though. It was business as usual. There was one talk about how thrilled one of the members was to see their general authorities inside the temple. Where was Jesus? I ignored that thought for thenext month as I attended Mormon services and met with the Bishop to work on getting rebaptized and coming back into full fellowship with Mormonism. I was litterally in a daze. I had finally had my name removed from their records just 4 months earlier and now I had to undo what I had done. Part of me knew I was doing wrong, but Satan causes evil things to appear good. The bishop counseled me not to tell any of my Christian friends that I was going back to Mormonism. He was afraid they would try and talk me out of it. He wanted me to get rebaptized quickly and get me into the temple to do baptisms for the dead. Normally a person would have to wait a year after they got rebaptized to go to the temple, bu the wanted me in there within a few months. Satan was trying very hard to get his claws deep into me as possible and the temple was one way to do it. The more temple work that a Mormon does, the deeper into the abyss they go. But God had another plan for me.
     Trying to explain to my parents that I had been wrong about Mormonism was a chore. I took the cowards way out and emailed my mother. At least that way I wouldn't have to see her faint or scream out. I know that deep down inside my husband (a wonderful Christian African-American man) must have been completely repulsed, since I had previously taught himall of the racist statements of the Mormon "prophets". However, nobody really said much for fear they would drive me farther into it. A Christian friend of mine immediately put me on a prayer list and I know that othres were praying