Xxxx: well, know how
i dont sleep
MrSelfDevelopmnt: yes
Xxxx: well
Xxxx: its y i dont
sleep
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and why is that?
Xxxx: a dream
MrSelfDevelopmnt: tell me about it
MrSelfDevelopmnt: the dream
Xxxx: well, actuall
i have it all typed out
MrSelfDevelopmnt: wow..
MrSelfDevelopmnt: can I see
Xxxx: he sits in his
chair, me sitting infront of him...he gets up slowly, asks if i know how to
make a fire...my mom says "JOSEY! she's 11months old...how could she
know?" he replies "my lil boo boo has the brains of the world."
mom laughs. he shows placing the wood in fire place taking his time, going so
slow. then he places my blanket infront of it and holds me tight reminding me
not to get to close he takes me for a walk...when i realise
he says not to worry he knows where he is going....he falls so quickly, he lies
at the bottom looking up at me he says "its all my fault u and ur mom left
i love u my lil boo boo" and his last breath and last strenght is wasted
on my last hug
MrSelfDevelopmnt: when did you have this dream
Xxxx: when ever i
sleep
MrSelfDevelopmnt: the same dream?
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: well...I guess the dream is
trying to tell you someting
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: what do you think it is?
Xxxx: i dunno
MrSelfDevelopmnt: who is Josey?
Xxxx: he stopped
writing a few yrs ago
Xxxx: my dad
MrSelfDevelopmnt: aah
MrSelfDevelopmnt: who stopped writing..your dad?
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you miss him?
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: when did he leave?
Xxxx: he didnt
Xxxx: we left
MrSelfDevelopmnt: why?
Xxxx: he hit mom,
she was gonna put me to bed, and he was drunk, was holding me, while i slept,
she reached for me
Xxxx: and he hit her
Xxxx: he didnt mean
to
MrSelfDevelopmnt: oh myyy
MrSelfDevelopmnt: he did not mean to hit her?
Xxxx: he apoligised
Xxxx: and got her
ice
MrSelfDevelopmnt: why did he hit her?
Xxxx: and started
the car
Xxxx: and wanted to
take her to the hospital
MrSelfDevelopmnt: was that the only time he hit
her?
Xxxx: cause he didnt
wanna give me up
Xxxx: yei
Xxxx: and we left
Xxxx: that night
MrSelfDevelopmnt: dang
MrSelfDevelopmnt: how long ago was that?
Xxxx: i was 11months
old
MrSelfDevelopmnt: loong time ago
MrSelfDevelopmnt: so.you do not really know your
dad
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you told me that once....sorry
I ask again..me forgetful at times
Xxxx: its okei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: but you do not really if it
was an accident that your dad hit you
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I mean...you were only 11
month
MrSelfDevelopmnt:
how can you know
Xxxx: i dont know
how
Xxxx: or why
Xxxx: but i can see
him
Xxxx: and hear him
MrSelfDevelopmnt: well...
Xxxx: and just feel
his arms wrap aroud me
Xxxx: and him
whisper how much he loves me
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you feel him in your heart..is
that what you are saying
Xxxx: i dont have a
heart
Xxxx: its not there
anymore
Xxxx: after dad
stopped writing on my 11th b.day
Xxxx: i thought, no
i knew
MrSelfDevelopmnt: yes it is
Xxxx: something was
wrong
Xxxx: and she
refused to help me find him
MrSelfDevelopmnt: is your mom very angry at him?
Xxxx: yeah
MrSelfDevelopmnt: did you ever talk to her about
him?
Xxxx: i tried
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and ...
Xxxx: but she blew
me off
MrSelfDevelopmnt: what happened?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: was she always drinking?
Xxxx: and the 1st
time i was caught crying about him, she hit me, told me he was a worthless
person and never to care for him
MrSelfDevelopmnt: oh myy..that's terrible
Xxxx: since then...
Xxxx: i havent cried
Xxxx: i never will
MrSelfDevelopmnt: oh do not say that
MrSelfDevelopmnt: why keep it within
MrSelfDevelopmnt: what are you afraid of
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I mean
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you know you are hurt
Xxxx: but
MrSelfDevelopmnt: but you do not allow yourself
to feel the pain
MrSelfDevelopmnt: why??
Xxxx: crying doesnt
change it
MrSelfDevelopmnt: right
MrSelfDevelopmnt: but it changes you
MrSelfDevelopmnt: it's your heart and soul
speaking
MrSelfDevelopmnt: it's allowing yourself to be
human
Xxxx: but
Xxxx: why do I wanna
be human?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: well
MrSelfDevelopmnt: let me see
MrSelfDevelopmnt: mmmmmh
MrSelfDevelopmnt: aah..yeah
MrSelfDevelopmnt: becasue you are silly
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you are human just like the
rest of us
Xxxx: me?
Xxxx: nei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: yeah
MrSelfDevelopmnt: yei
Xxxx: well yei
Xxxx: but
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you are human
Xxxx: yei
Xxxx: i know
MrSelfDevelopmnt: this is
so sweet what you wrote there
MrSelfDevelopmnt: when
did you write that?
Xxxx: what is?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: the
dream
Xxxx: oh
Xxxx: i wrote it
last night
Xxxx: got bored
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you have soo much
talent
Xxxx: thx
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and I bet he loves
you too
Xxxx: i hope
MrSelfDevelopmnt: did you ever write
to him?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: he is always in
your heart....
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and...?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: he responded?
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and..
MrSelfDevelopmnt: what did he say
silly
MrSelfDevelopmnt: talk to me
MrSelfDevelopmnt: lol
Xxxx: we rote from
the time i when i was 7-11
Xxxx: i got my last
letter on my 11th b.day
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and how did that
go?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: what did he say in
the letters?
Xxxx: nothing really
Xxxx: just small
talk
MrSelfDevelopmnt: come one now
MrSelfDevelopmnt: what did he talk
about
Xxxx: life
MrSelfDevelopmnt: so....he never really
talked about you leaving and stuff like that?
Xxxx: nei
Xxxx: he said it was
his fault
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I see
Xxxx: and that he
was sorry
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I understand
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and your mom..she
does not wanna talk about it?
Xxxx: and that he
loved me, thats how he ended every letter
Xxxx: no
MrSelfDevelopmnt: so..tell me about
her a bit..she changed after you left?
Xxxx: yei
Xxxx: well
MrSelfDevelopmnt: started drinking?
Xxxx: after grams
died
Xxxx: she got angry
at the world
Xxxx: grams and i
were so close
Xxxx: we talked
every night on the phone
Xxxx: she taught me
how to cook
MrSelfDevelopmnt: how long ago did
grams die?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: how sweet
Xxxx: the same day i
got dad's 1st letter
MrSelfDevelopmnt: no way
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: isn’t that ironic
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and sad
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: did your grams
like your dad?
Xxxx: it was like
1130 and she went in for surgery it was routine
Xxxx: she neva met
him
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I see
MrSelfDevelopmnt: sorry.....go on
Xxxx: she said he
sounded nice
Xxxx: and really
loved mom and me
MrSelfDevelopmnt: is there anybody
you know from your dad's family?
Xxxx: nei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I see
MrSelfDevelopmnt: so..tell me a bit
more about your mom
Xxxx: what u wanna
know?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: tell me about your
relationship
Xxxx: we r okei
Xxxx: when she aint
drinking
Xxxx: we talk
MrSelfDevelopmnt: that's good
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: she drinks every
night?
Xxxx: yei
Xxxx: but
Xxxx: she doesnt get
drunk
Xxxx: every night
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you ever told her
that she should stop?
Xxxx: just when she
drinks alot
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and...?
Xxxx: she's getting
help\but its real hard for her
MrSelfDevelopmnt: yeah....I bet
MrSelfDevelopmnt: so..she ever has friends
around the house she gets drunk with?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and.......................is
she real strickt?
Xxxx: she strict
Xxxx: and no
Xxxx: she's usually
alone
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I see
MrSelfDevelopmnt: she got any
friends?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: a guy friend?
Xxxx: nei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: she must feel
alone
Xxxx: yeah
Xxxx: well
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and then being
angry...that makes it even worse
Xxxx: she doesnt
have ne that i know of
Xxxx: but
Xxxx: she isnt home
much
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I see
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you guys ever get
close and have deep conversations?
Xxxx: nei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I mean....maybe
not...but I think you should
Xxxx: not since
grams died
MrSelfDevelopmnt: do you ever tell
her you love her?
Xxxx: yei
Xxxx: everynight
MrSelfDevelopmnt: really?
MrSelfDevelopmnt: and what does she
say?
Xxxx: yei
Xxxx: nothing
Xxxx: usually
Xxxx: "uh
huh"
Xxxx: or
"okay"
MrSelfDevelopmnt: she must be very
bitter
Xxxx: or
"alright"
Xxxx: she is
MrSelfDevelopmnt: so sad
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: but things can be
different with you
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you know
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I know you do
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you're a very
smart girl
MrSelfDevelopmnt: I know you know
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: so...
MrSelfDevelopmnt: tell me
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you have your own
room
MrSelfDevelopmnt: right?
Xxxx: well
Xxxx: ido noe
Xxxx: now
Xxxx: i got it last
week
MrSelfDevelopmnt: cool
Xxxx: i used to live
in the cellar
MrSelfDevelopmnt: see…..soemthing
good already happened
MrSelfDevelopmnt: you got your own
room
Xxxx: yei
MrSelfDevelopmnt: ;-)
MrSelfDevelopmnt: so..you got a bed
in there?
Xxxx: yei!
MrSelfDevelopmnt: cool
Xxxx: my 1st bed!
MrSelfDevelopmnt: well...
MrSelfDevelopmnt: that's great
Take me
back to the conversations page