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Diana Originally "The Diary of Karen Emma Billowby" |
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By Laura and Holly November 8, 1995 Dear Journal, Today has been a very tiring day. I should be in bed now, especially since I have school tomorrow, but I wanted to tell you what has happened. My older sister, Ray Anne, ran away today. All eight of us are scared to death. It's really cold outside; in fact it's the coldest November we've had in awhile. And we don't know where she is or if she's okay. We don't even know why she ran away. When I came home from school today, I knew that something was wrong. My father was home (he normally doesn't get home until a little before dinnertime) and he was talking on the phone to someone. My mother was looking worried and I could tell she had been crying. She ushered me and my brothers and sisters upstairs and told me to watch them. I hate being the middle child. There are seven of us and I have to be number 4. I didn't want to watch my baby brother, or the twins, Sky and Minnie. I wanted to find out what was happening downstairs. I couldn't wait until Daisy, Orchard, or Ray Anne came home. Then they could watch my younger siblings. Daisy and Orchard go to the middle school and Ray Anne goes to the high school. They get out later than the elementary school does, so Sky, Minnie, and I get home before they do. Carrey doesn't go to school. He is two years old. Anyway, I convinced the twins to color and told them to keep an eye on Carrey. I crept downstairs and listened to my mother and father talking in the kitchen. Mother said that the school called earlier this morning and told her that Ray Anne had not shown up for school. My father had called the police. We waited all night long but she never showed up. I'm really worried and so are my parents. I hope she's all right. It's really late now, almost eleven o'clock. I must go to bed now. Good night. Karen Emma Billowby, Age 10 November 9, 1995 There's still no sign of Ray Anne. I woke up this morning expecting her to be in the bed next to me, but she wasn't. When I came to school everyone had already heard what had happened. My teachers kept on giving me weird looks and asking if I was ok. I still can't understand why she had left. Maybe she was kidnapped. But no, that couldn't be. We looked through her dresser and realized that some clothes were missing as well as a few personal items. When I came home from school mom was crying again. And when I walked in she ran and hugged me and wouldn't let go. I didn't resist because I realized that she must be hurting a lot. Well I have to go eat dinner. I know that I always got mad at Ray Anne because she was bossy and told her that I wished she wasn't my sister. But now I really miss her and wish she would come back. I should have never told her that. Karen November 17, 1995 I haven't written in awhile because I've had nothing to say. But now something awful has happened. I don't know if I can even tell you about it. This morning the police found Ray Anne. Actually, they didn't find Ray Anne. They found her dead body. Isn't it just awful? Ray Anne is dead. The police determined that she hadn't killed herself. Instead, she was murdered. Murdered!!! Can you believe that? Who would want to kill my big sister, Ray Anne? What did she do? The police are conducting an investigation. They are going to try and find out who killed her. I hope they find the person and give him or her the death penalty. I'll write back later when we hear more from the police. Karen November 20, 1995 We just got back from the funeral. I find myself not being able to stop crying. And the only thing that comes to my mind is why. WHY? What kind of person would do this? The police are still investigating but haven't come up with any thing yet. I haven't gone to school in the last few days. I'm told that I don't have to go until I'm ready. I think I'll go tomorrow though. Maybe it will take my mind off of everything. Mama hasn't been the same. She just sits on the couch staring into blank space. And every time one of us comes out into the living room she will grab us and won't stop hugging us for a long time. Papa said that the doctor told him she was depressed and that we should just let her hug us. If anything new happens, I'll make sure to write it. Karen November 21, 1995 It is almost Thanksgiving. All I can think about is what do we have to be thankful about? How can you be happy when your big sister was murdered? The only thing that will make me happy is if her killer is caught. I am so horrible! I shouldn't have said all that. There are plenty of things to be thankful about. Such as the fact that the rest of us are alive and doing well. But it's really hard to be nice. Anybody could have killed her. Oh no! I just thought of something. What if father killed her?!! He hasn't cried a bit since we found out Ray Anne was murdered. What if he killed her? Why would he do that to Ray Anne? I shouldn't be silly, though. Father is very nice. He would never kill Ray Anne. But then how could anyone kill Ray Anne? Maybe they made a mistake on the body. Maybe it isn't Ray Anne. Maybe it's someone else who looks a little bit like her. Maybe Ray Anne is still alive. Maybe she'll come home tonight. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. Karen December 1, 1995 Well Thanksgiving has come and gone. It seems now like Ray Anne is just old news. Everyone is moving on, except for mama and me. It seems like no one cares and that hurts. How could they all just forget about her? I went to the counselor yesterday and he told me that I just have to move on. I know that... but why so soon? The police still don't have any suspects, I think soon they may give up too. I'm still trying to understand who would do this. I keep on telling myself that father didn't do it, but...what if he did. No, there is no reason for him or anyone else to do it. Why did this have to happen to my family. Sure you see this kind of thing on TV all of the time. But you don't think it can happen to you. Well it can. Karen December 5, 1995 The worst thing has happened! Yesterday my mother and father received a letter in the mail. It had no return address. They opened it up. Someone had cut a whole bunch of letters out of newspapers and magazines and glued them on a sheet of paper. The letter said exactly this, "If you want Ray Anne back alive put 1 million dollars in a sack and put it under the red bench in Elwood Park. Send one of your kids, preferably a girl, and have her go alone. Follow these instructions exactly as I say or else Ray Anne will die." When mama read the letter she screamed and fainted. We thought Ray Anne was still alive. The police had made some kind of mistake. The dead girl was someone else. We called the police but they proved us wrong. The letter was postmarked November 8, 1995, the day Ray Anne was found missing. The letter had gotten lost in the mail and had just been delivered today. I HATE THE MAIL!!! I am never writing a letter again! If they weren't so slow and lazy and didn't lose anything Ray Anne would still be alive. But instead they delivered the letter WAY too late and now she's dead. And there's nothing I can do to make her come alive again. Karen December 24, 1995 I haven't written in a while. The police analyzed the letter that we received but it didn't do them any good. They said that there was no fingerprints or saliva on the letter. This really sucks. They are never going to find Ray Anne's killer. Today is Christmas Eve. No one is in the Christmas spirit. I wonder why. It just doesn't feel right without her. We didn't even set up the Christmas tree until last night. Usually we play Christmas music while we do it and have a lot of fun, but not this year. Oh well...I guess I'll just have to get over it. Merry Christmas. Karen January 1, 1996 Today is the first day of 1996. It's the first day of a new year. I am going to try and put the past behind me. But how can I? Whenever I pass by her room I think of her. Whenever I see something that belonged to her, I remember her. The other day I saw Daisy wearing one of Ray Anne's shirts. It was too small for Ray Anne and she gave it to Daisy. That was when she was alive. I just couldn't stand Daisy wearing something that had once belonged to Ray Anne. I didn't think about what I was doing. I pushed Daisy down and started hitting and kicking her. All the time I was screaming and crying. Father came along and pulled me off Daisy. Mother and Father are mad at me but they know that it has been hard. But I can't do anything. I have to stay in my room for one whole week. I heard mother and father talking and they said Daisy had a black eye and had several bruises on her arms and legs from where I hurt her. I think she deserved it. That'll teach her not to wear Ray Anne's clothes anymore! Karen January 1, 1997 Another year. I woke up today and realized that I hadn't written to you in a whole year. I guess I just didn't feel like it. So many different things have happened. The police closed Ray Anne's case a few months ago. Mother and Father are trying to get it re-opened. I don't care. I read my past entries and I know that I wouldn't have written something like that last year, but it's the truth. I just don't care anymore. I've spent nights meddling over Ray Anne's murder. And then one day I just suddenly put it behind me and didn't want to hear about it again. Like I said, so many things have happened since I last wrote to you. Father has a new job, though I'm not quite sure what it is. I'll find out and write it in my next entry. Over the last few months, mother and father have been fighting more and more. I think they might get a divorce. This all leads back to Ray Anne's murder. Why was she stupid enough to run away? I hate her for all of the pain she has caused us, it's all her fault. Mother just called me for dinner. There is so much more for me to tell you, I'll tell you in my next journal entry. Don't worry, it will be tomorrow. Karen January 2, 1997 I promised that I would tell you everything that has been happening today, so I'll keep my promise and tell you. The first thing is father's new job. I asked him about it and he told me that he works for a big company called Greene and Snowe Inc. I'm not quite sure exactly what he does but he works in an office and does lots of paperwork. Since it's been a whole year, so many things have happened. It's going to be hard to tell them all to you. I'll just pick out certain things and tell you about them. November 8, 1996 was a hard day for us. On that day, one year ago, Ray Anne disappeared. I tried not to think about it but I couldn't. I cried for most of the day. So did Mother. Father thought she was being ridiculous and yelled at her to stop crying. She just got mad at him and cried more. Soon they were yelling and screaming at each other. I wish they would have stopped. I sat on the top of the stairs and watched them. They didn't even know that I was there. I just wish they would stop fighting all the time. I don't want them to get a divorce. So many awful things have happened to our family. I don't know when anything good ever happened. Last summer Carrey was out in the yard, alone, and he went into the street. He just about got ran over by a speeding car. Luckily a neighbor saw him and pushed him back on the sidewalk just in time. Mother wouldn't stop thanking the neighbor. She couldn't bear to lose another child. Mother lost Ray Anne, and she almost lost Carrey. Well, she almost lost Orchard as well. We always thought Orchard was a good kid. But it turned out he wasn't all that good. I found him smoking and drinking in his room once when mother and father weren't home. He told me he'd kill me if I told anyone. I was terrified so I kept my mouth shut and didn't tell anyone. I should have, though. We went to the movies one night. All of us except Orhcard. He said he had to finish his homework. When we got home he was lying on the floor, barely breathing. He had taken a whole bunch of drugs. If we hadn't come home when we did, he would have died, the doctors said. And another thing. Sky and Minnie. The twins. They always seem to act happy and they weren't affected very much by Ray Anne's death. But for some unknown reason, they have tried to commit suicide 12 times in the last 3 months. Luckily, they haven't succeeded yet. But the scary thing is, they are only 8 years old. I feel so sorry for mother. She is always so worried and she never stops crying anymore. She's afraid she is going to lose father and all her kids. Daisy and I are the only two kids whose lives haven't been in danger yet. Our family is falling apart. I wish I could mend it but I can't. I just wish we could be our same old happy family again. Karen January 7, 1997 Nothing new ever happens. My life is so boring. Every day all I ever do is eat, go to school and sleep. Nothing else. Sorry, I guess this really doesn't count as an entry. But at least I am writing. Karen February 17, 1997 I just haven't felt like writing in awhile. I never have anything to say. My whole life is falling apart. Things haven't gotten any better. They've just stayed the same. Lately I've been acting strange. One minute I'll be nice and calm and the next, I'll feel like killing someone. Especially Daisy. I hate her so much. She is always so perfect. Sometimes I just feel like strangling her. Or taking a knife and stabbing her. I can just imagine it. The sharp knife hitting her tender, white skin. And blood rushing out. It sounds so exciting. I can't believe I just wrote that!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't stop myself. I just wrote. And I just read what I wrote. I don't remember writing that at all. It doesn't look like my handwriting, but it is. How could I have written such awful things about Daisy? I love Daisy. She's my only big sister now. And all those details. It sounds just like I've killed someone before! How awful!!! I can't believe I wrote that!!! It sounds so true. But how could I write such things? How could I? How could I? How could I? Karen February 18, 1997 Yesterday, after I came home from school, mother and father both looked very scared. They told me to sit down because they wanted to have a talk with me. It turns out that while mother was putting my clothes in my room, my diary was open and she read what I had written. How dare she read my diary! Who does she think she is?! I felt so angry that I wanted to hurt her. They both told me that they talked to a social worker and think that I need counseling. Yesterday was my first session. My counselor's name is Dana Carter, she insists that I call her by her first name but don't want to. She asked me all of these weird questions. Like "when you look at a glass of water, do you think it's half full or half empty." She thinks that I am depressed and angry. She says that I am bottling my anger up inside and that I have to let it out, whatever that means. I have another session with her tomorrow, I'll let you know what happens when I get back. Karen February 19, 1997 I don't know what happened. I totally lost control. I wasn't thinking about what I was doing. Oh, I feel so awful now. I should probably tell you what happened that is so terrible. Today was my second session with my stupid counselor, Dana Carter. She kept telling me that I need to let my anger out and all this other stuff. I was ignoring her and looking at the pattern on one of the pillows on the couch I was sitting at. Then she started asking me those stupid, pointless questions again. I pretended not to hear her. After about the 10th stupid question, she finally asked me what was wrong. I couldn't stand it anymore. "What's wrong?!!" I screamed. "What's wrong?!! You!!! I hate you!!!" I thought for sure that she was going to get mad at me, but she didn't. "Good, you're finally starting to let your anger out," she said to me. "If you want, I have a box of old, beat-up toys over there that you are welcome to take your anger out on. You can rip them up, beat them up, break them, do whatever you want with them." I walked over to the box. There was nothing interesting in there. Only a few dirty, smelly stuffed animals. Nothing that I could really do any damage to. "It's okay, honey. You can play with those animals all you want. You can rip off their heads, tear them up, do whatever you want with them. I'll just be right here, taking notes on you." Taking notes on me?!!! I didn't want anyone taking any notes on me. I lost my temper. I looked around and the first thing I saw was the vase of flowers on the table. I picked it up and threw it across the room at her. It hit the floor and smashed into thousands of pieces. "Now, now, honey. Just settle down, everything will be alright. I'll get you a mop and a broom so you can clean up this water and sweep up the glass." I got really mad then. I was not going to clean up anything. I started throwing everything I could find at her and breaking everything breakable. I finally took the metal garbage can and hurled it at her with all my strength. To my surprise, it hit her, square in the head. She fell down onto the couch and blood was spilling out all over. Just then, the security guards came in. I didn't know what to do and I felt trapped. I ran to the window and tried to open it so I could jump out, but it was locked and the guards came over and hauled me away. My parents are so mad at me. Dana is in the hospital and my mother thinks that I should send her a card and visit her everyday after school. I hate Ray Anne for this. It is all her fault. If she hadn't run off and gotten herself killed, my life wouldn't be as bad as it is. Karen February 26, 1997 The last time I wrote to you was a week ago. Doctor Dana got out of the hospital three days ago. We just had a counseling session a few hours ago. I think she is nuts to keep on counseling me. She said that she isn't going to press charges or anything. Personally, I think it must be her who needs the counseling, she's just wasting her time. Today she made me talk about our last visit, when I hit her with the garbage. She asked me why I started throwing things. I told her that I just got mad at her for asking stupid questions. I mean, who cares what I think about when she says the word red or hate? I'll write you again when something interesting happens. Karen March 10, 1997 I promised to write to you when something interesting happened. Well, something interesting has happened. You know how the twins kept trying to kill themselves? Well, they sort of succeeded in doing that. Minnie got in a fight with Sky. She is a really tough little girl. She got so mad that she took a knife from the kitchen and killed him. Then, when she realized what she had done, she started screaming and yelling about it. Just seconds before all of us got upstairs to see what Minnie was yelling about, she killed herself. We found out all this information because right before she stabbed herself, she had hastily scribbled out a note to us telling what happened and what her plans were for herself. Mother and father are really sad. Now they've lost 3 children. Daisy was crying too. She's always so sensitive. Carrey is too young to understand what has happened and Orchard always locks himself in his room and never shows any emotions. I suspect that he is still doing drugs but Mother and Father believe that he really quit. What do I think about their deaths? Nothing really. Sky and Minnie were too little brats and I hated them most of the time. Just two less kids I have to babysit now. Minnie was okay though. Sometimes. She was kind of like me. But she was much more tough and a lot smarter. Their funeral is next week. I wasn't going to go but Mother said that all of us must go. They are going to be buried next to Ray Anne. I don't want to go back there to that graveyard. I don't want to have to look at Ray Anne's grave again. It will bring back so many memories. I must go now. It's almost time for dinner. I'm surprised Mother can still cook when she knows that 3 of her kids are no longer living. Karen March 15, 1997 Today was the twins' funeral. After the funeral I had to go to a counseling session. My counselor thought that it would be good to "talk after such a tremendous and traumatic incident." She asked me what I was feeling. I told her that I was angry. She asked me why and I told her that I was angry because I had to waste my time attending a stupid funeral. I could tell that she was very surprised knowing that I had no feeling for the twins' death. I didn't tell her this, but I've been having two really weird reoccurring dreams. They are both similar. In the first dream I am killing Ray Anne and in the second one I am killing the twins. Maybe I should tell DD, which's what I call Doctor Dana sometimes. I don't think I should be having dreams like this. They give me this weird feeling, like I had really experienced them before, but I know that's impossible. To make things worse, a Social Worker came by the other day. I guess someone called CPS (Child Protective Services) on my parents. They think that because of Ray Anne's murder and the recent suicide of the twins that my parents are bad parents. So the Social Worker came by and asked my siblings (what's left of them, anyway) and I all of these questions. I hope everything goes well. Well, I'll write you soon. Karen April 19, 1997 Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote to you. On April 1 the social worker came back with some other people and told us that they were going to take us away from our parents. We thought it was some kind of April Fools joke but it wasn't. Daisy and Carrey went to live with Aunt Debbie. Aunt Debbie is really nice. She wanted to take all of us but the social worker wouldn't let her because our uncle died when we were young and Aunt Debbie's job doesn't pay enough money for her to take care of all of us. The rest of our relatives didn't want anything to do with us. I don't like any of them anyway. Orchard and I were supposed to go live with these foster parents. We were brought to their house the next day after the social worker came and took us away. That night, Orchard ran away. He didn't want to live with foster parents. Nobody knows where he is and nobody really cares either. I think my foster parents and the police are just wasting their time trying to find him. My foster parents are okay. They are nice but they are pretty boring people. They always wanted a kid so they are so happy to have me. I still go see DD every day. I used to hate her but now I'm starting to like her. I won't admit that to her yet, but it's true. Lately I've been having those two dreams over and over again. They are much more frequent than they used to be. I'm starting to get scared. I really think I should tell DD, but I don't know what she'll say. She might think I'm crazy. That's it for now. Gotta go. Karen April 27, 1997 The police are still looking for Orchard, but I still think they won't find him. Oh well...it's not too bad being an only child. My foster parents think the world of me. It feels weird to have so much attention directed on me. I had a session with DD today. I told her all about my dreams. At first she looked horrified, but then she realized that I was watching her and so she masked her feelings. She told me that everything was all right. That I was just experiencing guilt. I asked her why and she told me that there were many reasons. That maybe I felt guilty that they were the ones to die and not me. Or maybe I thought that I could have prevented it and, therefore, felt guilty. She said that she wanted to have a talk with my foster parents, tomorrow. I don't think that's a good thing. I'll tell you all about it tomorrow. Karen April 28, 1997 Well, DD came over and talked to my foster parents today. I was going to try and stop her from coming somehow but she came when I was at school. After dinner my FP (foster parents, I call them that for short) told me that they wanted to talk to me. I knew right away from the sound of their voices that it was not good. That was when they told me that DD had come over. I was REALLY, REALLY, REALLY mad at DD right at that moment but I didn't show it. I pretended I didn't know what was going on. My FP told me that DD had told them all about my dreams. They want me to go to more counseling sessions with DD, get a couple other special counselors to talk to, and go to these special doctors for all these tests. Also, I can't go to school anymore. My FP are going to home school me. I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad at all of them now. My "new life" starts tomorrow and I'm not very excited about it at all. It's 11:49 PM. I'm suppose to be in bed so I'd better end this now. Karen May 2, 1997 After a week of my "new life" I want my old one back. The day after my last entry my FP took me to the children's hospital. They did a whole lot of tests on me, I really didn't like it. I wanted to go home but they kept me there until yesterday. I never want to see another needle, or cafeteria food for that matter, ever again. They also performed "psych" tests on me. There were truly stupid. During one of them the doctors would hold up a picture that has a whole lot of ink spilt on it and ask me what I saw when I looked at it. They told me it was called a Rorschach test. They did some many things I don't even remember all of it. DD and my FP told me that tomorrow I'm leaving for a month to go stay at a "clinic". I asked them why but they said they just wanted to make sure I was all right. This whole thing really makes me mad. I hate them all for doing this to me. I could just kill them! I'll tell you about if tomorrow once I arrive. Karen May 3, 1997 This place is the most boring place I have ever been. I'd much rather be in a counseling session with DD right now than here. When I first arrived a big, old, mean lady named Mrs. Hentson showed me to my room. It looks just like the hospital rooms, except these rooms were for one person to stay in only, not two. Then Mrs. Hentson told me that I had to give her everything I brought from home to her. She explained that it was part of the testing. They didn't want me to have anything that they didn't know about. And she said there would be unannounced room inspections (she's the inspector) every day. I told her I would have everything ready to give to her in a few minutes. Luckily she left the room so I slipped you, diary, and my favorite pen between the mattresses on the bed. I gave everything else to her though. I even had to change into clothes that she gave me to wear. I think it is all really stupid but Mrs. Hentson doesn't think so. Tomorrow I start testing. Testing for what, I don't know. I'm not looking forward to it at all. Uh oh! I hear Mrs. Hentson coming to check on me. She doesn't know that I have you. I have to go now and hide you. Bye! Karen May 4, 1997 This place is horrible and the worst thing about it is Mrs. Hentson. At 5:30 this morning she came and woke me up. She said that everyone had to get up at that time. Then after that I got to take a 2-minute shower. Breakfast was disgusting. It was this mush that was suppose to be oatmeal, but it wasn't. After that I had to spend 3 hours drawing. Three hours of doing nothing but drawling pictures! Lunch was even worse than breakfast. It was a sandwich with "mystery" meat. After that, we all had to sit in a big group and tell each other about ourselves and answer stupid questions. And dinner...I don't even want to go into that subject right now. Well that's all I can write right now. I hear Mrs. Hentson coming to make sure we are all asleep. Karen |
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