Diana
Originally "The Diary of Karen Emma Billowby"
By Laura and Holly

November 8, 1995

Dear Journal,

Today has been a very tiring day.  I should be in bed now, especially since I
have school tomorrow, but I wanted to tell you what has happened. My older
sister, Ray Anne, ran away today.  All eight of us are scared to death.  It's
really cold outside; in fact it's the coldest November we've had in awhile.
And we don't know where she is or if she's okay.  We don't even know why she
ran away.

When I came home from school today, I knew that something was wrong.  My
father was home (he normally doesn't get home until a little before
dinnertime) and he was talking on the phone to someone.  My mother was looking
worried and I could tell she had been crying.  She ushered me and my brothers
and sisters upstairs and told me to watch them.

I hate being the middle child.  There are seven of us and I have to be number
4.  I didn't want to watch my baby brother, or the twins, Sky and Minnie.   I
wanted to find out what was happening downstairs.  I couldn't wait until
Daisy, Orchard, or Ray Anne came home.  Then they could watch my younger
siblings.  Daisy and Orchard go to the middle school and Ray Anne goes to the
high school.  They get out later than the elementary school does, so Sky,
Minnie,  and I get home before they do.  Carrey doesn't go to school.  He is
two years old.

Anyway, I convinced the twins to color and told them to keep an eye on Carrey.
I crept downstairs and listened to my mother and father talking in the
kitchen.  Mother said that the school called earlier this morning and told her
that Ray Anne had not shown up for school.

My father had called the police.  We waited all night long but she never
showed up.  I'm really worried and so are my parents.  I hope she's all
right.

It's really late now, almost eleven o'clock.  I must go to bed now.  Good
night.

Karen Emma Billowby, Age 10

November 9, 1995

There's still no sign of Ray Anne. I woke up this morning expecting her to be
in the bed next to me, but she wasn't. When I  came to school everyone had
already heard what had happened. My teachers kept on giving me weird looks and
asking if I was ok. I still can't understand why she had left. Maybe she was
kidnapped. But no, that couldn't be. We looked through her dresser and
realized that some clothes were missing as well as a few personal items. When
I came home from school mom was crying again. And when I walked in she ran and
hugged me and wouldn't let go. I didn't resist because I realized that she
must be hurting a lot. Well I have to go eat dinner. I know that I always got
mad at Ray Anne because she was bossy and told her that I wished she wasn't my
sister. But now I really miss her and wish she would come back. I should have
never told her that.

Karen

November 17, 1995

I haven't written in awhile because I've had nothing to say.  But now
something awful has happened.  I don't know if I can even tell you about it.
This morning the police found Ray Anne.  Actually, they didn't find Ray Anne.
They found her dead body.  Isn't it just awful?  Ray Anne is dead.  The police
determined that she hadn't killed herself.  Instead, she was murdered.
Murdered!!!  Can you believe that?  Who would want to kill my big sister, Ray
Anne?  What did she do?  The police are conducting an investigation.  They are
going to try and find out who killed her.  I hope they find the person and
give him or her the death penalty.  I'll write back later when we hear more
from the police.

Karen

November 20, 1995

We just got back from the funeral. I find myself not being able to stop
crying. And the only thing that comes to my mind is why. WHY? What kind of
person would do this? The police are still investigating but haven't come up
with any thing yet. I haven't gone to school in the last few days.   I'm told
that I don't have to go until I'm ready. I think I'll go tomorrow though.
Maybe it will take my mind off of everything. Mama hasn't been the same. She
just sits on the couch staring into blank space. And every time one of us
comes out into the living room she will grab us and won't stop hugging us for
a long time. Papa said that the doctor told him she was depressed and that we
should just let her hug us. If anything new happens, I'll make sure to write
it.

Karen

November 21, 1995

It is almost Thanksgiving.  All I can think about is what do we have to be
thankful about?  How can you be happy when your big sister was murdered?  The
only thing that will make me happy is if her killer is caught.  I am so
horrible!  I shouldn't have said all that.  There are plenty of things to be
thankful about.  Such as the fact that the rest of us are alive and doing
well.  But it's really hard to be nice.  Anybody could have killed her.  Oh
no!  I just thought of something.  What if father killed her?!!  He hasn't
cried a bit since we found out Ray Anne was murdered.  What if he killed her?
Why would he do that to Ray Anne?  I shouldn't be silly, though.  Father is
very nice.  He would never kill Ray Anne.  But then how could anyone kill Ray
Anne?  Maybe they made a mistake on the body.  Maybe it isn't Ray Anne.  Maybe
it's someone else who looks a little bit like her.  Maybe Ray Anne is still
alive.  Maybe she'll come home tonight.  Maybe.  Maybe.  Maybe.

Karen

December 1, 1995

Well Thanksgiving has come and gone.  It seems now like Ray Anne is just old
news.  Everyone is moving on, except for mama and me.  It seems like no one
cares and that hurts.  How could they all just forget about her?  I went to
the counselor yesterday and he told me that I just have to move on.  I know
that... but why so soon?  The police still don't have any suspects, I think
soon they may give up too.  I'm still trying to understand who would do this.
I keep on telling myself that father didn't do it, but...what if he did.  No,
there is no reason for him or anyone else to do it.  Why did this have to
happen to my family.  Sure you see this kind of thing on TV all of the time.
But you don't think it can happen to you.  Well it can.

Karen

December 5, 1995

The worst thing has happened!  Yesterday my mother and father received a
letter in the mail.  It had no return address.  They opened it up.  Someone
had cut a whole bunch of letters out of newspapers and magazines and glued
them on a sheet of paper.  The letter said exactly this, "If you want Ray Anne
back alive put 1 million dollars in a sack and put it under the red bench in
Elwood Park.  Send one of your kids, preferably a girl, and have her go alone.
Follow these instructions exactly as I say or else Ray Anne will die."

When mama read the letter she screamed and fainted.  We thought Ray Anne was
still alive.  The police had made some kind of mistake.  The dead girl was
someone else.  We called the police but they proved us wrong.  The letter was
postmarked November 8, 1995, the day Ray Anne was found missing.  The letter
had gotten lost in the mail and had just been delivered today.

I HATE THE MAIL!!!  I am never writing a letter again!  If they weren't so
slow and lazy and didn't lose anything Ray Anne would still be alive.  But
instead they delivered the letter WAY too late and now she's dead.  And
there's nothing I can do to make her come alive again.

Karen

December 24, 1995

I haven't written in a while.  The police analyzed the letter that we received
but it didn't do them any good.  They said that there was no fingerprints or
saliva on the letter.  This really sucks.  They are never going to find Ray
Anne's killer.  Today is Christmas Eve.  No one is in the Christmas spirit. I
wonder why.  It just doesn't feel right without her.  We didn't even set up
the Christmas tree until last night.  Usually we play Christmas music while we
do it and have a lot of fun, but not this year.  Oh well...I guess I'll just
have to get over it.  Merry Christmas.

Karen

January 1, 1996

Today is the first day of 1996.  It's the first day of a new year.  I am going
to try and put the past behind me.  But how can I?  Whenever I pass by her
room I think of her.  Whenever I see something that belonged to her, I
remember her.  The other day I saw Daisy wearing one of Ray Anne's shirts.  It
was too small for Ray Anne and she gave it to Daisy.  That was when she was
alive.  I just couldn't stand Daisy wearing something that had once belonged
to Ray Anne.  I didn't think about what I was doing.  I pushed Daisy down and
started hitting and kicking her.  All the time I was screaming and crying.
Father came along and pulled me off Daisy.  Mother and Father are mad at me
but they know that it has been hard.  But I can't do anything.  I have to stay
in my room for one whole week.  I heard mother and father talking and they
said Daisy had a black eye and had several bruises on her arms and legs from
where I hurt her.  I think she deserved it.  That'll teach her not to wear Ray
Anne's clothes anymore!

Karen

January 1, 1997

Another year. I woke up today and realized that I hadn't written to you in a
whole year. I guess I just didn't feel like it. So many different things have
happened. The police closed Ray Anne's case a few months ago. Mother and
Father are trying to get it re-opened. I don't care. I read my past entries
and I know that I wouldn't have written something like that last year, but
it's the truth. I just don't care anymore. I've spent nights meddling over Ray
Anne's murder. And then one day I just suddenly put it behind me and didn't
want to hear about it again. Like I said, so many things have happened since I
last wrote to you. Father has a new job, though I'm not quite sure what it is.
I'll find out and write it in my next entry. Over the last few months, mother
and father have been fighting more and more. I think they might get a divorce.
This all leads back to Ray Anne's murder. Why was she stupid enough to run
away? I hate her for all of the pain she has caused us, it's all her fault.
Mother just called me for dinner. There is so much more for me to tell you,
I'll tell you in my next journal entry. Don't worry, it will be tomorrow.

Karen

January 2, 1997

I promised that I would tell you everything that has been happening today, so
I'll keep my promise and tell you.

The first thing is father's new job.  I asked him about it and he told me that
he works for a big company called Greene and Snowe Inc.  I'm not quite sure
exactly what he does but he works in an office and does lots of paperwork.

Since it's been a whole year, so many things have happened.  It's going to be
hard to tell them all to you.  I'll just pick out certain things and tell you
about them.

November 8, 1996 was a hard day for us.  On that day, one year ago, Ray Anne
disappeared.  I tried not to think about it but I couldn't.  I cried for most
of the day.  So did Mother.  Father thought she was being ridiculous and
yelled at her to stop crying.  She just got mad at him and cried more.  Soon
they were yelling and screaming at each other.  I wish they would have
stopped.  I sat on the top of the stairs and watched them. They didn't even
know that I was there.  I just wish they would stop fighting all the time.  I
don't want them to get a divorce.

So many awful things have happened to our family.  I don't know when anything
good ever happened.  Last summer Carrey was out in the yard, alone, and he
went into the street.  He just about got ran over by a speeding car.  Luckily
a neighbor saw him and pushed him back on the sidewalk just in time.  Mother
wouldn't stop thanking the neighbor.  She couldn't bear to lose another
child.

Mother lost Ray Anne, and she almost lost Carrey.  Well, she almost lost
Orchard as well.  We always thought Orchard was a good kid.  But it turned out
he wasn't all that good.  I found him smoking and drinking in his room once
when mother and father weren't home.  He told me he'd kill me if I told
anyone.  I was terrified so I kept my mouth shut and didn't tell anyone.  I
should have, though.  We went to the movies one night.  All of us except
Orhcard.  He said he had to finish his homework.  When we got home he was
lying on the floor, barely breathing.  He had taken a whole bunch of drugs.
If we hadn't come home when we did, he would have died, the doctors said.

And another thing.  Sky and Minnie.  The twins.  They always seem to act happy
and they weren't affected very much by Ray Anne's death.  But for some unknown
reason, they have tried to commit suicide 12 times in the last 3 months.
Luckily, they haven't succeeded yet.  But the scary thing is, they are only 8
years old.

I feel so sorry for mother.  She is always so worried and she never stops
crying anymore.  She's afraid she is going to lose father and all her kids.
Daisy and I are the only two kids whose lives haven't been in danger yet.

Our family is falling apart.  I wish I could mend it but I can't.  I just wish
we could be our same old happy family again.

Karen

January 7, 1997

Nothing new ever happens. My life is so boring. Every day all I ever do is
eat, go to school and sleep. Nothing else. Sorry, I guess this really doesn't
count as an entry. But at least I am writing.

Karen

February 17, 1997

I just haven't felt like writing in awhile.  I never have anything to say. My
whole life is falling apart.  Things haven't gotten any better.  They've just
stayed the same.

Lately I've been acting strange.  One minute I'll be nice and calm and the
next, I'll feel like killing someone.  Especially Daisy.  I hate her so much.
She is always so perfect.  Sometimes I just feel like strangling her.  Or
taking a knife and stabbing her.  I can just imagine it.  The sharp knife
hitting her tender, white skin.  And blood rushing out.  It sounds so
exciting.

I can't believe I just wrote that!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I couldn't stop myself.  I
just wrote.  And I just read what I wrote.  I don't remember writing that at
all.  It doesn't look like my handwriting, but it is.  How could I have
written such awful things about Daisy?  I love Daisy.  She's my only big
sister now.  And all those details.  It sounds just like I've killed someone
before!  How awful!!!  I can't believe I wrote that!!!  It sounds so true.
But how could I write such things?  How could I?  How could I?  How could I?

Karen

February 18, 1997

Yesterday, after I came home from school, mother and father both looked very
scared. They told me to sit down because they wanted to have a talk with me.
It turns out that while mother was putting my clothes in my room, my diary was
open and she read what I had written. How dare she read my diary! Who does she
think she is?! I felt so angry that I wanted to hurt her. They both told me
that they talked to a social worker and think that I need counseling.

Yesterday was my first session. My counselor's name is Dana Carter, she
insists that I call her by her first name but don't want to. She asked me all
of these weird questions. Like "when you look at a glass of water, do you
think it's half full or half empty." She thinks that I am depressed and angry.
She says that I am bottling my anger up inside and that I have to let it out,
whatever that means.

I have another session with her tomorrow, I'll let you know what happens when
I get back.

Karen

February 19, 1997

I don't know what happened.  I totally lost control.  I wasn't thinking about
what I was doing.  Oh, I feel so awful now.

I should probably tell you what happened that is so terrible.  Today was my
second session with my stupid counselor, Dana Carter.  She kept telling me
that I need to let my anger out and all this other stuff.  I was ignoring her
and looking at the pattern on one of the pillows on the couch I was sitting
at.  Then she started asking me those stupid, pointless questions again.  I
pretended not to hear her.  After about the 10th stupid question, she finally
asked me what was wrong.

I couldn't stand it anymore.  "What's wrong?!!" I screamed.  "What's wrong?!!
You!!!  I hate you!!!"

I thought for sure that she was going to get mad at me, but she didn't.
"Good, you're finally starting to let your anger out," she said to me.  "If
you want, I have a box of old, beat-up toys over there that you are welcome to
take your anger out on.  You can rip them up, beat them up, break them, do
whatever you want with them."

I walked over to the box.  There was nothing interesting in there.  Only a few
dirty, smelly stuffed animals.  Nothing that I could really do any damage to.

"It's okay, honey.  You can play with those animals all you want.  You can rip
off their heads, tear them up, do whatever you want with them.  I'll just be
right here, taking notes on you."

Taking notes on me?!!!  I didn't want anyone taking any notes on me.  I lost
my temper.  I looked around and the first thing I saw was the vase of flowers
on the table.  I picked it up and threw it across the room at her. It hit the
floor and smashed into thousands of pieces.

"Now, now, honey.  Just settle down, everything will be alright.  I'll get you
a mop and a broom so you can clean up this water and sweep up the glass."

I got really mad then.  I was not going to clean up anything.  I started
throwing everything I could find at her and breaking everything breakable. I
finally took the metal garbage can and hurled it at her with all my strength.
To my surprise, it hit her, square in the head.  She fell down onto the couch
and blood was spilling out all over.

Just then, the security guards came in.  I didn't know what to do and I felt
trapped.  I ran to the window and tried to open it so I could jump out, but it
was locked and the guards came over and hauled me away.

My parents are so mad at me.  Dana is in the hospital and my mother thinks
that I should send her a card and visit her everyday after school.

I hate Ray Anne for this.  It is all her fault.  If she hadn't run off and
gotten herself killed, my life wouldn't be as bad as it is.

Karen

February 26, 1997

The last time I wrote to you was a week ago. Doctor Dana got out of the
hospital three days ago. We just had a counseling session a few hours ago. I
think she is nuts to keep on counseling me. She said that she isn't going to
press charges or anything. Personally, I think it must be her who needs the
counseling, she's just wasting her time.

Today she made me talk about our last visit, when I hit her with the garbage.
She asked me why I started throwing things. I told her that I just got mad at
her for asking stupid questions. I mean, who cares what I think about when she
says the word red or hate?

I'll write you again when something interesting happens.

Karen

March 10, 1997

I promised to write to you when something interesting happened.  Well,
something interesting has happened.  You know how the twins kept trying to
kill themselves?  Well, they sort of succeeded in doing that.  Minnie got in a
fight with Sky.  She is a really tough little girl.  She got so mad that she
took a knife from the kitchen and killed him.  Then, when she realized what
she had done, she started screaming and yelling about it.  Just seconds before
all of us got upstairs to see what Minnie was yelling about, she killed
herself.  We found out all this information because right before she stabbed
herself, she had hastily scribbled out a note to us telling what happened and
what her plans were for herself.

Mother and father are really sad.  Now they've lost 3 children.  Daisy was
crying too.  She's always so sensitive.  Carrey is too young to understand
what has happened and Orchard always locks himself in his room and never shows
any emotions.  I suspect that he is still doing drugs but Mother and Father
believe that he really quit.

What do I think about their deaths?  Nothing really.  Sky and Minnie were too
little brats and I hated them most of the time.  Just two less kids I have to
babysit now.  Minnie was okay though.  Sometimes.  She was kind of like me.
But she was much more tough and a lot smarter.

Their funeral is next week.  I wasn't going to go but Mother said that all of
us must go.  They are going to be buried next to Ray Anne.  I don't want to go
back there to that graveyard.  I don't want to have to look at Ray Anne's
grave again.  It will bring back so many memories.

I must go now.  It's almost time for dinner.  I'm surprised Mother can still
cook when she knows that 3 of her kids are no longer living.

Karen

March 15, 1997

Today was the twins' funeral.  After the funeral I had to go to a counseling
session.  My counselor thought that it would be good to "talk after such a
tremendous and traumatic incident."  She asked me what I was feeling.  I told
her that I was angry.  She asked me why and I told her that I was angry
because I had to waste my time attending a stupid funeral.  I could tell that
she was very surprised knowing that I had no feeling for the twins' death.

I didn't tell her this, but I've been having two really weird reoccurring
dreams.  They are both similar.  In the first dream I am killing Ray Anne and
in the second one I am killing the twins.  Maybe I should tell DD, which's
what I call Doctor Dana sometimes.  I don't think I should be having dreams
like this.  They give me this weird feeling, like I had really experienced
them before, but I know that's impossible.

To make things worse, a Social Worker came by the other day.  I guess someone
called CPS (Child Protective Services) on my parents.  They think that because
of Ray Anne's murder and the recent suicide of the twins that my parents are
bad parents.  So the Social Worker came by and asked my siblings (what's left
of them, anyway) and I all of these questions.  I hope everything goes well.

Well, I'll write you soon.

Karen

April 19, 1997

Well, a lot has happened since I last wrote to you.  On April 1 the social
worker came back with some other people and told us that they were going to
take us away from our parents.  We thought it was some kind of April Fools
joke but it wasn't.

Daisy and Carrey went to live with Aunt Debbie.  Aunt Debbie is really nice.
She wanted to take all of us but the social worker wouldn't let her because
our uncle died when we were young and Aunt Debbie's job doesn't pay enough
money for her to take care of all of us.

The rest of our relatives didn't want anything to do with us.  I don't like
any of them anyway.

Orchard and I were supposed to go live with these foster parents.  We were
brought to their house the next day after the social worker came and took us
away.  That night, Orchard ran away.  He didn't want to live with foster
parents.  Nobody knows where he is and nobody really cares either. I think my
foster parents and the police are just wasting their time trying to find him.

My foster parents are okay.  They are nice but they are pretty boring people.
They always wanted a kid so they are so happy to have me.

I still go see DD every day.  I used to hate her but now I'm starting to like
her.  I won't admit that to her yet, but it's true.

Lately I've been having those two dreams over and over again.  They are much
more frequent than they used to be.  I'm starting to get scared.  I really
think I should tell DD, but I don't know what she'll say.  She might think I'm
crazy.

That's it for now.  Gotta go.

Karen

April 27, 1997

The police are still looking for Orchard, but I still think they won't find
him. Oh well...it's not too bad being an only child. My foster parents think
the world of me. It feels weird to have so much attention directed on me.

I had a session with DD today. I told her all about my dreams. At first she
looked horrified, but then she realized that I was watching her and so she
masked her feelings. She told me that everything was all right. That I was
just experiencing guilt. I asked her why and she told me that there were many
reasons. That maybe I felt guilty that they were the ones to die and not me.
Or maybe I thought that I could have prevented it and, therefore, felt guilty.
She said that she wanted to have a talk with my foster parents, tomorrow. I
don't think that's a good thing.

I'll tell you all about it tomorrow.

Karen


April 28, 1997

Well, DD came over and talked to my foster parents today.  I was going to try
and stop her from coming somehow but she came when I was at school.  After
dinner my FP (foster parents, I call them that for short) told me that they
wanted to talk to me.  I knew right away from the sound of their voices that
it was not good.

That was when they told me that DD had come over.  I was REALLY, REALLY,
REALLY mad at DD right at that moment but I didn't show it.  I pretended I
didn't know what was going on.

My FP told me that DD had told them all about my dreams.  They want me to go
to more counseling sessions with DD, get a couple other special counselors to
talk to, and go to these special doctors for all these tests.  Also, I can't
go to school anymore.  My FP are going to home school me.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO mad at all of them now.  My "new life" starts
tomorrow and I'm not very excited about it at all.

It's 11:49 PM.  I'm suppose to be in bed so I'd better end this now.

Karen

May 2, 1997

After a week of my "new life" I want my old one back. The day after my last
entry my FP took me to the children's hospital. They did a whole lot of tests
on me, I really didn't like it. I wanted to go home but they kept me there
until yesterday. I never want to see another needle, or cafeteria food for
that matter, ever again. They also performed "psych" tests on me. There were
truly stupid. During one of them the doctors would hold up a picture that has
a whole lot of ink spilt on it and ask me what I saw when I looked at it. They
told me it was called a Rorschach test. They did some many things I don't even
remember all of it.

DD and my FP told me that tomorrow I'm leaving for a month to go stay at a
"clinic". I asked them why but they said they just wanted to make sure I was
all right. This whole thing really makes me mad. I hate them all for doing
this to me. I could just kill them!

I'll tell you about if tomorrow once I arrive.

Karen

May 3, 1997

This place is the most boring place I have ever been.  I'd much rather be in a
counseling session with DD right now than here.

When I first arrived a big, old, mean lady named Mrs. Hentson showed me to my
room.  It looks just like the hospital rooms, except these rooms were for one
person to stay in only, not two.  Then Mrs. Hentson told me that I had to give
her everything I brought from home to her.  She explained that it was part of
the testing.  They didn't want me to have anything that they didn't know
about.  And she said there would be unannounced room inspections (she's the
inspector) every day.  I told her I would have everything ready to give to her
in a few minutes.  Luckily she left the room so I slipped you, diary, and my
favorite pen between the mattresses on the bed.  I gave everything else to her
though.  I even had to change into clothes that she gave me to wear.  I think
it is all really stupid but Mrs. Hentson doesn't think so.

Tomorrow I start testing.  Testing for what, I don't know.  I'm not looking
forward to it at all.

Uh oh!  I hear Mrs. Hentson coming to check on me.  She doesn't know that I
have you.  I have to go now and hide you.  Bye!

Karen

May 4, 1997

This place is horrible and the worst thing about it is Mrs. Hentson. At 5:30
this morning she came and woke me up. She said that everyone had to get up at
that time. Then after that I got to take a 2-minute shower. Breakfast was
disgusting. It was this mush that was suppose to be oatmeal, but it wasn't.
After that I had to spend 3 hours drawing. Three hours of doing nothing but
drawling pictures! Lunch was even worse than breakfast. It was a sandwich with
"mystery" meat. After that, we all had to sit in a big group and tell each
other about ourselves and answer stupid questions. And dinner...I don't even
want to go into that subject right now.

Well that's all I can write right now. I hear Mrs. Hentson coming to make sure
we are all asleep.

Karen
Part Two