I was pregnant and on my own when I started antenatal visits and everything seemed fine. I had a bit of morning sickness, but that eventually passed. I started geting swelling in my hands and feet, and at about 5 months along my blood pressure started getting too high. The specialist I was sent to advised me to give up work. I had to go and stay at mums as I couldn't afford to buy food. Mum was really great, she looked after me and was my support person, she came to antenatal classes and the ultrasound with me.
Even though I had these problems, and I complained about being pregnant, if I could do it all again, I would never complain - I would just treasure those moments. Moments when I could feel my baby moving inside me, moments seeing my baby on the screen of the ultrasound - I just cant explain how that felt - it was so amazing.
The specialist put me on medication for the blood pressure problems, but it didnt seem to do much good. The last time I saw the specialist he put the medication up. One week later I started getting pains in my tummy - I though I needed to go to the toilet, as I was sitting there I felt a pop and a gush - I thought my waters had broken. I stood up and to my horror the toilet was filled with blood. I rang the midwife and she told me to come up to the hospital.
When I got there she tryed to find the babys heartbeat, but she could not locate it. I think I knew then that it was all over, but I was too scared to ask "Is my baby dead", because I didn't want to know the answer. I just kept thinking please let my baby be alright.
They rushed me by ambulance to a bigger hospital. The midwife and my doctor came with me. When we arrived all these doctors and nurses swarmed around me sticking needles into me. They put on the ultrasound and I looked at the still baby on the monitor and looked to where the heart should have been beating, and it wasn't. The doctor said "its not good news I'm afraid" - It was at that moment my life was shattered.
The doctor explained I had a placental abruption, which is where the placenta comes away from the uterus wall, and stops the babys oxygen supply - I pray he did not suffer.
I was induced to deliver the baby. Things started along OK, when the contractions got stronger they gave me gas and I felt really spaced out. I was getting really distressed, which I think made the pain worse. They then gave me an epidural, which worked instantly.
I finally gave birth to my beautiful still son, Cameron Andrew Pauley at 12.30am, 1st April 2000, weighing 4 pounds 2 ounces. Mum said "its a boy", with a look of I told you so on her face, as I was convinced he was a girl and she had been trying to tell me otherwise.
They asked me if I wanted to hold him, I wasn't sure, but I did. It was so hard to hold my still silent baby, he just looked like he was asleep, I just wanted him to open his eyes and start screaming - but he never did.
Mum arranged the funeral while I was in hospital, as I didn't have a clue what to do. When we left I had to leave Cameron at the hospital as he was to have an autopsy - that was so hard, leaving the hospital without my baby - I cried all the way back home.
The funeral director bought him home and we had him at mums house until the day of the funeral. Which started at home with a service in the lounge, we then closed the casket and drove to the cemetary, where we had some readings from Pooh Bear and friends read poems. Mum and I lowered the tiny casket into the ground and I said goodbye to my precious baby son.
I just wish I could hold Cameron one more time, hear him cry and see him move - I had so many dreams for him and they have all been cut short. I keep thinking maybe I did something wrong, there are a lot of what ifs and maybes but nothing will ever bring him back.
I visit the cemetary every day and I am trying to get on with my life, but I feel so lonely. Somedays I think everyone has forgotten Cameron. There were so many people around after he died, but now I wonder, where have they all gone. I sit here in my house, by myself and just cry and get so angry - I'm told in time it will get easier, and I guess it will, but I will always have a hole in my heart, that can never be filled.
I can only hope Cameron is happy
I wish I could see him