Warnings: THURSDAY! "Hints of Slash," general abuse of HP characters and BB situations. I like Drunk! Sirius, so beware he doesn't pop up again sometime.
Day 16, Thursday
Draco and Dumbledore are awake early, but Dumbledore has chosen not to shower this particular morning, so Draco is alone when he makes a horrifying discovery.
Draco(wrapped in towel, about to open a shower stall): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
Lucius runs in, bleary-eyed, his sleep robes dishevelled.
Lucius: What?! Are you dead???
Draco: Oh it's terrible, look! (holds open stall door to reveal... massive amounts of hair on walls, in drain.)
Lucius(blinks): Yes, that is very distasteful, Draco, but I wouldn't say it's worthy of screaming fit to scare your father half to death....!
Draco(shrugs): I was startled, it's a knee-jerk reaction.
Lucius: I heard you on the other end of the hall! It is very unnerving to be pleasantly asleep then suddenly to hear your precious offspring wailing its head off -- as if it's in some murderer's vice grip!
Draco: (rolling eyes)
Lucius: And! even if I do go through with my plans to disown you, it's still the sort of "knee-jerk" reaction a parent has!!
Draco: It's all right now. I just can't deal with these things first thing in the morning -- How do they expect me to with my state of mind these days! Consider the series of misfortunes I have suffered - stolen hair care products, broken arm!, foul play on the twister board - and all of this when I can't use magic!?!! It's amazing I'm still alive at all!
Lucius: That's certainly true..! (grumbles) how did you ever get to be such a prima donna? It's your mother's fault, damn her.
Draco: Don't talk about mother like that. I happen to be very fond of her!
Lucius: (sigh) I'm getting a towel. No use trying to sleep for another 15 minutes.. (stalks out, can hear Draco yelling after him from the bathroom)
Draco: And what about all this HAIR!!?
Lucius: CLEAN IT UP!!! .. honestly, child.. (yet another scream from the bathroom)
Draco: AHHH!! IT'S IN ALL OF THEM!!!
Lucius(clenched teeth): Someone's going to die...
Bedroom Number Two: Snape opens one murderous eye....
Snape: .... malfoys...................!
Women's bathroom:
Tonks: Heheheheheheh!
Hermione: hahahahahahah! (leans over sink laughing)
Tonks: Shhh!! (they continue to giggle; Hermione falls down, clutching her stomach) hehe ahah hahah....
Hermione: I knew hahahah - I knew it was worth .. hehe saving the hair..
The Malfoys use breakfast time to complain about the new prank.
Draco: Everyone, I'd like to take this time to make an announcement.
Dumbledore(almost to be believed): A public service announcement - how good of you, Draco.
Draco: That is not the sort of announcement I had in mind, Professor.
Harry(turns directly to him): You're pregnant, aren't you?
Black(half chokes on his coffee): -I wasn't involved!
Lupin: for once!
Draco(has folded his arms - the good arm, at least - and now is waiting for the snickering to subside): ...There was hair in the shower this morning.
Snape: ... is that was the giddy screaming was about at 8 o'clock??
(Tonks and Hermione are hiding behind whatever objects they can get their hands on... mugs, napkins, forkfuls of eggs...)
Draco(mustering his dignity): I admit, I was taken by surprise..
Lucius(amused in spite of himself): I thought he had found a dead body..
Lupin: What's all this about hair? What hair?
Draco: TONS of it. All over the place.. (scowls in disgust).. long hair, short hair.. in the drain and on the floor --someone had written "Red Rum" with it on one of the walls-
Hermione(can't control herself any longer and spits out the mouthful of tea): hahahah!
(Tonks immediately drops her napkin and joins the laughter)
Dumbledore: Why do I always miss these things?
Draco: So..... the culprits reveal themselves!!
Lupin: What say you, Sirius - glad we have moved into the ladies' bathroom, eh?
Black: Absolutely!
Harry(to Hermione): YOU put that there??
Draco: It's disgusting - to think I nearly showered with HER hair in the -- Eghhh! (shudders)
Harry: How come I haven't heard about this?
Tonks: The ladies are up 2-0!
Harry: OHhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Lucius: The ladies and Mr. Black and Mr. Lupin, it would seem.
Lupin: I had nothing to do with it.
Black: I wish I had!
Snape(stands up from table): I'm not involved.
Dumbledore: Where are you running off to, Severus? Old bed-ridden Tom can't be more entertaining than this..
Snape: That's what I'm hoping for. (exit)
After an early dinner, Lupin heads to the Diary Room. He sits on the chair in the center of the room and waits. nervously taps his thumb on his knee - looks up and sees the camera staring back at him..
Lupin: yes, we were going to cover you! (sticks his head out door and calls into the hallway) hey- GUYS?? (no answer; he glances at his watch) I'll just get it myself... (runs out)
Meanwhile Lord Voldemort is making his agonizing way to the first floor bathroom yet again, when Lupin dashes around the corner and smacks right into him. The stunning impact knocks them both to the floor.
Voldemort: ARGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAORRRRRR!!! (lights flicker and thunder crashes in the background)
Lupin: (scrambles to feet) no time for that! Sorry! Bye!! (heads for staircase)
Voldemort: YOU WILL PAY, WEREWOLF!! AGHHHhhhhh (clutches back in pain) DAMN human form!.. so fragile.. so ... aghhh -- MAAAAAAAAAAAAAALFOYS!!!
(Flash to kitchen; they are playing cards in the low light.)
Lucius(raised eyebrow): ... did you hear something, Draco?
Draco: Stop trying to wriggle out of it: you've got at least one king over there..
Back in the hallway; Voldemort is paralyzed with pain; the cat Bertie is at his side, rubbing against his leg in an attempt to mollify him.
Voldemort: MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLF--.. DAMN! (Sirius and Harry happen by - observe Voldemort, grin at each other and sneak away unnoticed) SEVERUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Upstairs: Lupin runs into his bedroom, grabs his blue towel, and sprints down the stairs back towards Voldemort's hallway.
Snape has reached the Dark Lord's side and stops, looking down at him apathetically.
Voldemort(teeth clenched in pain): don't.. stand there, Severus...!!
Snape(as if addressing a slow child who's been caught misbehaving): How did you do this?
Voldemort: ..idiot.. Lupin..
Snape: What! - What's he doing out!?
Voldemort:...da..mn.. needs... cage!!!
(Lupin skids around the corner, sliding along the hardwood floor - )
Snape: What are you doing, Lupin!
Lupin: Going!! (runs down hall and hurdles over Voldemort, who shuts his eyes in anticipation of the worst.)
Snape(glaring after him): Lock the door!!
Lupin: Yes! (disappears around corner; a door slams)
Voldemort(hissing through those clenched teeth): .......are you quite finished.. Severus??!!
Snape: In your condition it wouldn't matter if you were on the ground or standing with a fullly grown werewolf loose in the house.
Voldemort: Quiet..! and help me...
(Snape squats down to inspect Voldemort's condition, glaring magnificently as he does and muttering to himself in dark tones. The cat tries to win some attention and sticks her head in his way.)
Snape: .... must be mad running around at this time of night.. Cat !-
Voldemort: .. damn.. Bertrum...
(They are startled by the sudden scream from around the corner; the cat crouches low to the floor and stares with big black eyes as the cry becomes less and less recognizably human..)
Snape(affronted): What - how long before that? 15 seconds at most! the irresponsible-
Voldemort: There.. Bertrum, go play with the nice wolf... (the cat creeps down the hall towards the scratching and growling..)
Snape(to Voldemort): Do you want help or not?
Voldemort(patience about to shatter): No... Severus... I called you here ...to distract the cat!
Snape: Anything I do is going to hurt.. (slowly smiles) you don't mind..
Voldemort: ....!!
(Sudden growling and barking - the sounds of claws against a door - Bertie flies around the corner and jumps over Voldemort as she runs for her life)
Snape: ... this is turning into a preschool menagerie.. (stands, talks down to Voldemort) Why don't I recruit the Malfoys... then we might be able to move you..
Voldemort(if eyes could kill): .. just.... do.. SOMETHING!!
(angry howling in background)
Snape: ..one of those nights..