| Big Brother: Harry Potter Style |
Warnings: the usual abuse; "Hints of Slash," got sick of making up English book titles... Day 21, Tuesday After breakfast Harry and Hermione sit on the back porch having a heart-to-heart. Harry: yeah... so.. I'm beginning to think Professor Dumbledore was right. Hermione: About his being in your debt? Harry: Yeah, and about... never knowing how people figure in the story.. I mean, he looks... scared of me when he sees me around the house. Hermione: But he's scared of everyone, Harry. Harry: But I just .. can't think that he's alive for no purpose.. Hermione: Yes - his purpose is to help Voldemort! Harry: But.. but... he's scared of him too. Hermione: Exactly. Harry(sighs): He can't be named Wormtail for nothing. Surely he's going to wind up switching sides at the end of this epic when all hope is lost - betray Voldemort and redeem himself! Hermione(smirks): ....Have you been reading Tolkien again? Harry(guilty admission): I found a copy last summer.. Hermione: This isn't some epic mythology, Harry. Just because you saved his life doesn't mean he's going to turn around and throw the ring in the fire for you! Harry: well.... at least that wasn't my intention when I saved him. Hermione: You'd have NO chance if that were the case.. Harry(smiles): I know..... but it would be ironic if I lost a finger to him, wouldn't it? Hermione: I don't think that's likely, Harry. Random Scene: Pettigrew: Draco - I notice.. er.. it's interesting - your hair- Draco: SHUT UP! (stalks off) Pettigrew(helpless confusion): . .??? Meanwhile, Black and Lupin are playing a game of team Scrabble with Lucius and Snape in the den. Snape is setting down a couple of tiles now. Lucius: ... Severus, what in the world is a KEX? Snape(grumble): .. empty plant stalk.. Black: What??!! Lupin(nose in dictionary): Yep.. it's in here. Black: Lucky guess. Snape: Lucky placement rather.... triple word score.. 42 points. (Black shakes his head; Lupin chuckles.) Lucius: So, Severus, I saw you shaking hands with... .Mr. Pettigrew yesterday afternoon. (Lupin and Black shudder; Snape scowls) Snape: Yes... It was suggested to me by You Know Who... (adds) At least I would not touch him.. willingly.. (Black grimaces; Lupin hides his head in his hands) Lucius(amused): It's your turn... Black(grumbling): All right, all right... let's see what we have here.. (looks at their tiles; they have 6 vowels and a V) .. er.... Remus.. you want to take a look at this? Lupin(inspects; laughs): Oh... heh.. (long pause as he and Black scan the board for possibilities.) Snape: ....today, if you don't mind. Black: Hey, we're not all so lucky as to be right next to triple word score boxes! Lucius: Actually, that box was open on your turn. Lupin: Ah -I know.... (takes the V and many vowels; tacks them onto the end C in Snape's "CAMBRIC" and spells "EVACUEE".) Snape: Clever. Lupin: oh yes.. 6 letters and 12 points later.. Lucius: That V opens up room for a nice double word score... if you can get to it..(points at board, as if Snape can't see.) Snape: Hm.. (considers)...... What might you do, Lucius... what an R... E... A... M... P.. and a V on the board? Lucius: ... eh... (eyes dart about in thought) Snape: Exactly. RE- (places tiles on board as he speaks) -VAMP. Double word score.. 26 points. Black: gah.. Lucius: I think you should play Scrabble with Dumbledore, no more Tiddlywinks. Snape: NO! (recovers) That is... where do you think I learned to play Scrabble? Lucius: ... curse the man. (Enter Peter Pettigrew) Pettigrew: Hi (Lucius sighs; Snape goes into No Expression Mode™, Black and Lupin scowl bitterly.) Pettigrew: ooh - Scrabble! Can I join? Lucius: I'm afraid we've already begun.. and we're playing on teams.. Pettigrew: oh - well, I can join a team (looks at the two pairs - Black makes a fist threateningly; Snape stares straight ahead and Lucius gives the appearance of expecting that Pettigrew will play with the other team)... eh... (he is deliberating when Dumbledore walks in - he must be on afternoon rounds.) Dumbledore: Ah, Scrabble.. I haven't played in quite a while.. (walks up to the board, inspects).... Kex! Excellent placement, Severus. (Snape nods) Lupin: I like how he knows it was you, Severus. Snape: .. Too many Sunday afternoons in his office.. Dumbledore: And not all of them detentions, either! (Meanwhile, Pettigrew is standing, still confused... finally an idea strikes him.) Pettigrew: hey - eh.. Professor Dumbledore, would you be on my team? Dumbledore(mischievously): Oh, I think I may be up for a little Scrabble, since it has been so long... Snape(sottovoce to Lucius): ... we're doomed. Tonks is on the way to the infamous wicker rocking chairs when she finds none other than Voldemort already reading in one of them. Tonks: ......... Voldemort: Hello Nymphadora. Tonks: I go by Tonks. Voldemort: I know. Tonks(eyes narrow): Why are you out here? Voldemort: The usual.. change of scenery.. a little fresh air....And Wormtail hasn't yet discovered the back porch. Tonks: Ah, understood. But - he's playing Scrabble or some nonsense with the others right now, I think. Voldemort: Good for him. (goes back to his reading) Tonks: .. (squints at the book title; it's faded and in a strange script.. and, she realizes too late, not in English: "Zwerge, Kobalde und Nymphen: Eine Praktische Führung.") uh... Voldemort: An old German tome.. bit outdated, but it has interesting ideas for dealing with nymphs.. (wink) Tonks: Hem. That's .. interesting. (sits; long silence) Voldemort(sighs): What happened to dinner last night? Tonks: Oh, I don't know. Remus left... I left. I suppose Hermione left, and that ... well that should have left Pettigrew to cook, but... I guess he left too. Voldemort: ... He didn't mention that this morning. Tonks: He makes good scones? Voldemort: I think we'll have him cook tonight. Tonks: ... I'll have to warn Remus. Voldemort: no.... let them fight.. Maybe Wormtail will make himself useful and win. Tonks: Oh, I don't know about that..... It'd be best if they don't. Voldemort: .... Best for your werewolf. Tonks: ... I .. beg to differ, actually. Voldemort(eyes narrow): ... willing to bet on that? Tonks: ...how much? Voldemort: ... Eternal soul? Tonks: ... eh- Voldemort: Or the loser throws Sunday Challenge..? Tonks: I'd like to see you do that. Voldemort: ... Very well. We arrange for them to be in the kitchen together, and let nature run its course... Tonks: Deal. (they shake; Voldemort goes back to his reading, Tonks to her daydreaming) An hour later: Voldemort: It's 530. Tonks: I wonder if they're still playing Scrabble....? Voldemort: You should investigate. Tonks: I'm not doing all the work. You have to get Wormtail to go in there, don't forget. Voldemort: All right... Den: Dumbledore: OHH! Severus! Snape(eyes glittering, but deadpan delivery): ..double word score.. that comes to 30. Black: SQUILL!!?? Lucius: I knew we were saving those double L's for something.. Pettigrew: (has been adding scores) Uh... They now have 312. Dumbledore: ... and he's given me a Q to work with.. (shakes head solemnly) These are grave times, Peter... Lupin(amused and incredulous): 312? We just started over - what 8 rounds ago?? Voldemort(standing imperiously in doorway): What is happening in here? Dumbledore: I haven't played Scrabble in a while, Tom. Voldemort: No one is cooking dinner. (adds pointedly) Peter. Pettigrew: oh - well - I - Voldemort: Mr. Lupin Lupin: What?! Tonks: Well - someone should help him... (Black and Lupin are regarding Tonks with much suspicion.. is it Imperio?? Big Brother would have said something....) Tonks(gives Lupin her best puppy dog look): Well, you're a good cook, and... someone needs to make sure he doesn't poison the food. Lupin(frowns): ... well.. Black: DONT DO IT! Pettigrew(stands up): I am going. (stalks out) Lupin(deep breath): Must.. protect... household.. (follows) Lucius: Kick him hard for me, Lupin. Lupin: I'll keep that in mind... Voldemort(sideways glance to Tonks): Good. Kitchen - Lupin arrives and finds Pettigrew already looking for ingredients. Pettigrew: ah, so you are going to help? Lupin: ..... yes.. Pettigrew: GOOD! I hoped you would help out - like good old times, eh, Moony? (Lupin growls, seizes him by the collar, and slams him into the wall. Pettigrew squeals and tries to squirm away, but Lupin holds him steady and glares straight into his eyes.) Lupin: .... let's get one thing straight, Mr. Pettigrew: we are not friends, we are not close acquaintances, we are not even on speaking terms - you are only alive because Harry allows you to be!!! (drops him) Pettigrew: .. ah.... he's a nice boy.. Lupin(turns around glowering): Where's the b-- broccoli!? Pettigrew: I - I - It was all rotten, so I had to put it down the food dispenser in the sink.. Lupin(in refrigerator): AND the cabbage?? Pettigrew: Yesss - in fact, the entire bottom drawer was moldy.. I dont know what you people have been doing- Lupin: SGHH! Pettigrew(cowers): yeesh - and I thought the full moon was last week! Lupin(turns around, absolutely murderous): ..... .....you make me lose my temper...you will see enough claws and teeth without the moon! Pettigrew: SO! How about PASTA tonight??? Lupin(to pantry): Sauce?? Pettigrew: I .. I didn't look- Lupin: WHY ARE WE OUT OF FOOD, BIG BROTHER!!? BigBrother: .... dramatic irony... Lupin:... (back to refrigerator): .... we have... MILK!.... pickles! ... (pulls out a jar, inspects) pickled BEETS?? (puts back)... eggs! Pettigrew: Maybe they were the smell.. Lupin(sniffs): egh- I think so. (takes the carton; only 3 are left, and puts them down the sink; runs water; hits grinder) Big Brother would pick TONIGHT for everything to go bad. Pettigrew: yeah, so you can blame it on me! Lupin: That is the least of your troubles.. Ok - PASTA. Meat? (looks in freezer) Unless you feel like maknig meatballs- Pettigrew(pouts): you just threw out the eggs- Lupin: THEY STANK! -Living room - Tonks and Voldemort are lounging about and listening.. Tonks: He can take Pettigrew. Voldemort: You're blinded by affection. Tonks: Am not. Kitchen: Pettigrew has put a big pot of water on the stove. He turns around.. Lupin is still rooting through the pantry. Lupin: No SAUCE - Did I mention butter? Do we have butter?? Pettigrew: uh.. there's... plates here... Lupin: Wash Them. Pettigrew: (goes to sink with plates..) Living Room: Voldemort: First angry words.. wait until the first fist is thrown.. Tonks: heh. Voldemort: The first silver fist.. Tonks(goes white - she had forgotten): O... Voldemort: (chuckles) - Pettigrew: uhhhhh.... Mo- -Re-- .. hey.. uh? Lupin: What!? Pettigrew: The sink's not draining... Lupin: Run the dispenser again - you probably didn't do it well enough the last time Pettigrew(scowls): Actually, you ran it last- Lupin: What's in an egg to clog the drain?? Pettigrew: ... I don't know.. shell... yoke... (runs the grinder - only more water and debris comes up in the sink and the one adjacent to it) uh oh.. Lupin(stalks over): What??? Pettigrew: I didn't do anything!! Look - Lupin: (exasperated sigh) Maybe it will drain on its own.. (10 minutes later) Pettigrew: ...it's not draining... Lupin: ... it's clogged then. You'll have to take a look at the plumbing. Pettigrew: ... ah? plumbing - I don't know anything about plumbing!! Lupin: neither do I!! (Dumbledore sticks his head in) Dumbledore: Ah, both still alive? Lupin: Albus, do you know anything about muggle plumbing? (gestures to sink) Dumbledore(shrugs): if it's not draining, then I would assume something is blocking the pipes.. Unblock the pipes and it will drain again. (exit) Pettigrew: He is a wise man. Lupin: Indeed. (10 minutes later STILL: Pettigrew is kneeling with his head stuck under the sink. He has a hammer and is trying to loosen one of the flanges on the pipes.) Lupin(at stove): What - stop that pounding!! Pettigrew; IT WONT MOVE!! Lupin: (deep breath) .. let me see.. Pettigrew(moves aside; hands him hammer): I know what youre thinking "PETER ALWAYS THE INCOMPETENT ONE" Lupin: Welll.. (bites tongue) Pettigrew: yeah! Now you're going to blame it on me too. 's if BROCCOLI would clog the drain!! Lupin: ...(hits flange especially hard) - Living Room Voldemort: What is going on in there? Tonks: ... sounds like...I dont know- Black(walks in, tilts head toward kitchen): Who's got a hammer? (they shrug - suddenly a scream) - Pettigrew: YOU!!! YOUUUUUU HIT MY HAND ON PURPOSE! Lupin: I didn't!! Pettigrew: WHAT !!!- THAT'S LOW! Lupin: LOW! You should talk! Pettigrew: (pushes Lupin aside,knocking him over) give me that hammer! DENYING it!! (dives for hammer; struggle ensues) Lupin: Not! a wise idea!! Pettigrew: GIVE IT TO ME!! Lupin: NO!! - Voldemort: well, I must confess that did take longer than I thought.. Black: What - Tonks??? Tonks: Uh - sounds like a bit of a row...? - Lupin(tries to kick Pettigrew off while holding the hammer away): WORMTAIL! Pettigrew: NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS! (seizes Lupin by the wrist - with his silver hand - twists) Lupin: AARGHHHHHHHHHHH! Pettigrew: give me the hammer, Moony!! Lupin: (gasps -drops hammer in pain) Pettigrew: AH! (they both reach for it with their free hand) - Voldemort: Ahhh, that sounded encouraging.. Black: RAT!! (runs to kitchen; Tonks close behind) - The two on the floor continue their struggle for the hammer - although Pettigrew still has Lupin's wrist in his adamantine grip- Pettigrew(clenched teeth): Let GOOOOO!! Lupin(also clenched teeth): drop it!! Pettigrew: let go! - (hisses in his ear) let go or I'll break your little wrist... BUT JUST IN THE NIC OF TIME! Black and Tonks hurl Pettigrew aside! He falls into the wall, dazed. Lupin rolls over clutching his wrist. Voldemort has followed and stands in the doorway watching quietly. Black(about to attack Pettigrew): YOUU!! BigBrother: No murders, please, housemates if you will kindly break apart- Tonks: But you didn't split up that fight!! BigBrother: .. the audience must be entertained.. Tonks: What!! (By this time the other housemates have arrived at the scene. Harry and Hermione look appalled and run to Lupin's side. The Malfoys seems bored - or at least vaguely disappointed that they have missed the action. Snape and Dumbledore remain in the background, watching in silent disapproval.) Harry: What happened? Black: Trying to kill Remus Pettigrew: I was not - just trying to prevent him from killing me with that hammer! Lupin: What!! Pettigrew(gets up, storms out): No use explaining myself!! Voldemort: ... unfortunate misunderstanding, indeed, but I dare say we can conclude who would have won ...had the misunderstanding not been interrupted.. (meaningful glance at Tonks, who is quite ashen-faced).. But... these things happen.. I see the sink's not draining. There's a dent in the wall as well... And there's still no dinner to be had. Ah, communal living.. (sweeps out, leaving the others to contemplate the disaster) |