Warnings: Music!!, abuse of HP character, "Hints of Slash"
Day 22. Wednesday, Eviction Day (soundtrack episode)
Morning in the sun room. (Donna Summer's Hot Stuff plays in the backgrou- wait - make that... Morning from the Peer Gynt suite)
Lord Voldemort is enjoying a quiet, peaceful sleep on his sofa. (He has just about abandoned the idea of sleeping in Bedroom Number Three, especially now that Wormtail is there.) Bertie sleeps in a ball at his side.. Enter Pettigrew, who sees the cat and assumes the worst.
Pettigrew(gasp): My Lord!! (runs to Voldemort's side) ah! WAKE UP!
Voldemort: ............grrmmmm
Pettigrew: THERe -
Voldemort(hand grabs Pettigrew's neck): .... what...?
Pettigrew: Agh - Cat! on - you-
Voldemort: I am aware. That is Bertrum. (Bertie lifts her head, confused.)
Pettigrew: (gasping) Ber- ah- what??
Voldemort(lets him go): Bertrum. She sleeps here.
Pettigrew: What.. whatever happened to Nagini?
Voldemort: Nagini wasn't invited... (long pause as Pettigrew stares at him, horrified -knowingly) Yes.. that's right, Wormtail.. I'm seeing another animal.... (cheesy diminished 7th chord)
Bedroom Number Two: Draco's left for the morning, but Snape, Black, and Lupin are still in their beds.
Black(whisper): I told you not to do it, Moony.
Lupin: You said the same thing about helping Severus, and that went fine.
Black: Well! how was I to know he'd behave himself!?
Snape: -if you haven't learned how to judge people by now, you should at least have learned not to try, Black...
Black(jumps, startled): ARE you awake again!!?
Snape: I don't sleep too well these days..
Black: ..the guilty mind always weary of attack-
Snape: Why don't you put yourself to use and see how weary of attack Wormtail is..?
Black: ... he wakes up earlier than you!
Lupin: agh.. what time is it?
OtherTwo: 825.
Lupin: Eight twenty...fiiiiiiiiiii (rolls over)
Black: How's your wrist?
Lupin: ..not ready to wake up yet.
Black: I'm going to see where that scoundrel is... (exit)
Snape(after a pause): You should know better than to fight someone with a hand of steel - silver alloy, whatever it may be..
Lupin: I didnt go in there with the intention fighting..
(Snape looks like he wants to say something further, but he only grumbles unintelligibly and rolls over.)
Downstairs, Black only finds Harry and Dumbledore in the kitchen. Harry is under the sink dismantling the plumbing; Dumbledore sits at the table and observes shrewdly.
Harry: Er.. I see where it's clogged now.. I just need something to pull out -- what - is that spaghetti??
Black(enters): Good morning!
Harry: Hi Sirius.
Black: Has old Albus convinced you to do the handy work too? Save the world AND fix the plumbing! - I don't know how you do it, Harry.
Harry(grimacing as he pulls out rotten spaghetti): Yeah - well.. It's not the first time I've been asked to do the handy work..
Dumbledore: I did make tea.
Black: A fine contribution too, Albus. (winks, as he goes to pour himself a cup)
(Enter Draco.)
Draco(the drawl): Why wasn't I in yesterday's episode?
TheAuthor: er...
Draco: (sniffs indignantly) Haven't you fixed that drain yet, Potter?
Harry: Malfoy... why don't you do something?
Draco: -crawl around under the sink? Mad. (saunters to refrigerator, looks inside as if he owns it) Where's all our food?
Dumbledore: I thought Big Brother would have us playing for vegetables soon...
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES!
Black: Little early for an eviction, isn't it?
BigBrother: No matter - he's awake. LUCIUS MALFOY!! START PACKING! You were voted off by a wide margin!
Draco(head back out of fridge): What!
Black: Awwww, the little Malfoy left all alone ... (grins devilishly) Who will defend the ice cream NOW?
Draco(glares determinedly): I will.
(Harry comes out from under sink to glare at Malfoy...tense silence reigns as they stare each other down - a slight breeze wafts through - a tumbleweed crosses the floor - cue The Good the Bad and the Ugly theme - NO! cue Offspring's Keep 'em Separated - )
Harry: ...Is that so.. Malfoy..
Dumbledore: Don't you take your tea white, Draco? (cut, cut)
Draco: Oh.. er, yes, sir.
Dumbledore: Fine, I'll make you a cup.
Since Harry has unclogged the sink, clean up and cooking go surprisingly without incident, even if Draco acts a bit sullen at the departure of his father-
Lucius(hands him handcufs): I trust you can protect these..
Draco: er.. Father, I'm not sure I want those.
Lucius: Ah, I'll keep them then. (takes hold of his shoulder) My parting blessing: Hold down the fort, preserve the family honour, and don't do anything to embarrass me.
-- After breakfast, Draco makes his way to the Diary Room - Unfortunately, Lord Voldemort is also on the way - we see him stalking down the hall to the opening of Mahler 6 (think star wars soundtrack). They meet at the door, both reaching for the handle-
Voldemort: Draco, my dear, what are you doing?
Draco: I was going to make a request from Big Brother.
Voldemort: Indeed? So was I.
Draco: (holds open door for him) Don't let me be in the way.
Voldemort: Why don't we make a joint request?
Draco(frowns, considering): I would be honored, but.. I think my chances of success would be greatly diminished if Big Brother thought this were related to Head of Household.
Voldemort(eyes narrowed, but in thoughtful amusement): .... am I becoming predictable in my old age? .. No (takes Draco by the sleeve) come, child - you make your request first, and I'll watch and learn, since you seem to have some success with them...
(So in they go - Voldemort sits on the chair cautiously, as he is still concerned about his back; Draco stands beside him, looking as bored and haughty as usual.)
Voldemort: Speak, Draco.
Draco: Ahm.. Big Brother..
BigBrother: THIS IS NOT THE SPECIAL REQUEST ROOM, GENTLEMEN!
Draco: But this isn't a "special request" !
BigBrother: You just stood there in the hall and told Mr. Riddle that it was --
Draco: That's just... a matter of semantics. I am really proposing something.. that will greatly improve the.. house dynamic-
BigBrother: THIS IS NOT THE SPECIAL "PROPOSAL" ROOM EITHER! It's the DIARY room!
Draco(continues, unruffled): Yes, and I am very willing to give my personal opinions on all and sundry affairs - IF you will just give me a personal refrigerator!
BigBrother: (pause).... Ok.
Draco(smiles obnoxiously, showing off his perfectly maintained teeth): Thank you, Big Brother. (waltzes out)
Voldemort: what.... Wait- (sigh) Ahem..l (stands up slowly) Big Brother. You have not answered my request for Head of Household status.. I only ask for CLOSURE.
BigBrother: NO HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD!
Voldemort(eyes flash): Very well. (storms off as best he can with a sore back.)
Later in the day, Lupin accosts Tonks, who has been avoiding him since yesterday evening. She is hiding currently in the laundry room, pretending to meditate. (cue the Gregorian chant)
Lupin: Tonks... (looks around, confused at the sound - CUT gregorian chant!)
Tonks: heyyyy, Remus.
Lupin: You've been looking very guilty lately - what was that all about yesterday??
Tonks: What yesterday? Yes - yesterday --how's your wrist!?
Lupin: just a little sore - he wasn't really trying to break it, just threatening -- But, anyway.. (looks her in the eye) What was that all about?
Tonks: ... what was what??
Lupin: You and Voldemort.
Tonks(glances away): Ah.. that was... a .. bit of an indiscretion on my part..
Lupin: (raised eyebrow)
Tonks: Well - I er.. we were talking about Wormtail, and.. heh.. (she is turning a delicate shade of pink) well, somehow the question came up.. about..
Lupin: Oh, just spit it out.
Tonks: well we were betting on who'd win the fight -
Lupin: .. (quiet consideration) .. you forgot about the silver hand too, didn't you?
Tonks: I'm so sorry!! (seizes him in a teary hug) I didn't mean to nearly get you killed! I was seduced by the dark side and I -
Lupin(gently): stop babbling..
Tonks(sits back): sorry!
Lupin.. I had also.. not taken that into account.. But.. it won't matter so much in the future.. (turns his attention back to present) Although you did lose the bet.... what does that mean?
Tonks: Oh no! ... I forgot.. I have to throw Sunday's Challenge...
Lupin: hm.. Maybe they'll pair you up with Voldemort. That would be .. only just.
Tonks(smiles): That would be perfect.
(Enter Hermione, with a basket of clothes piled so high that she can't see around it -she walks right into Lupin with it)
Hermione: hey!!
Lupin: sorry! Hermione
Hermione: I didn't see you. - oh, hey Tonks! We need to discuss Plan Six.
Lupin: I'll let you be then - and, Tonks, I'm curious to see how this Sunday's Challenge goes... (exits, grinning)
Hermione: Gee, I hope I didn't interrupt anything.
Tonks: You're like the Big Brother special police force.
Hermione: sorry-
Tonks: you need your own fellow to chase around. Let's see.... (counts off on her fingers as Hermione sets up the washing machine) Harry.. and.... Draco. TWO!
Hermione: oh, go on.
Tonks: What's the matter? (teasingly) Now you and Harry get along far too well, but you and Draco bicker all the time - and you do bicker with ron-
Hermione: DON'T -I'll never interrupt you again!
Tonks(chuckles): Ok! Ok! Plan 6.....(cue girls just wanna have fun)
Dinner: Dumbledore enters the kitchen imperiously - he is terrible in his grand, striking movements - he sweeps over to Pettigrew. Watches.
Pettigrew: ah.. professor Dumbledore..
Dumbledore(ominous depths): Do not use the grinder..
Pettigrew: I won't.. I won't...
Dumbledore(momentarily back to normal): Actually.... I was thinking we should order in tonight..
Pettigrew(wide-eyed): can-- can we DO that??
Dumbledore:.... Do not ask. (takes up phone; hands it to him solemnly) Call.
Pettigrew: eh.. wh-
Dumbledore: (winks) Or I'll do it. (takes phone, dials)....Ah... Dominoes Pizza... (covers mouthpiece and grins at the stunned Pettigrew) We shall indeed feast tonight..
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A/N: Ok, I promise there won't be anymore soundtrack episodes.