Warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," TheAuthor is on medication.
Day 31, Friday Eviction Day(?!)
The sticky note war and the battle of the sexes are fast conflagrating into one gigantic house struggle. Draco knows it must be bad when he finds Black and Lupin awake in the men's bathroom this morning.
Draco: What are you doing here?
Lupin: Plotting. Since we've been kicked out of their bathroom.
Draco(goes about routine): What are you going to do?
Black: I suggested we sticky note their showers... but Remus tells me he doesn't want to deal with muggle plumbing.
Draco: You should sticky note the stall doors.
Black: Heh - that'd get them. Good idea, Malfoy.
Draco: (nods)
Black(glances at his watch): Think we still have time?
Lupin: If we run... (exeunt)
Draco(smugly admiring himself in mirror): Mudblood doesn't stand a chance now...
In the women's bathroom, our two marauders are dismantling one of the shower stall doors -
Lupin: And they thought he wouldn't know where to find the tools..
Black: Nope! Just a matter of ... having the proper motivation. (unscrews the last hinge - Lupin grabs the door) perfect..
Lupin: I'll put it in the hall closet. (exit)
Out in the hall, Lupin meets Dumbledore. Dumbledore smiles serenely, as if sneaking around behind shower stall doors were standard morning protocol.
Dumbledore: Why hello, Remus - I wonder why you don't get up so early every day... I might hire you to do some more handywork around the house then.
Lupin: (chuckles) That's Harry's job, I'm afraid.
(Suddenly the door behind them opens, and a groggy Tonks stumbles out of Bedroom Number One; Lupin grimaces and tiptoes into his room.)
Dumbledore: Morning, Nymphadora!
Tonks(rubs eyes): Agh, how many times have I told you, Albus...
Dumbledore: I'm old and my memory is bad..
Tonks: Well, Tonks is a lot easier to remember than Nymphadora! (enters bathroom; she sees two shower doors missing - pink sticky notes are on the floor instead: "Shower Stall Door" and "What He Said.") ... Sirius............Remus???? (she inspects the other stalls - no signs of feet) This is a work in progress... SOMEONE must still be here.....Someone I can catch red-handed..or pink, maybe? (she kicks open the first door - nothing-
Cut to inside of last stall - in an attempt to escape notice, Sirius has crushed his back up against one wall and his feet against the other. He's out of view but tiring quickly of holding himself above ground.)
Tonks: NOT behind door number one!! Perhaps the next door then!? (kicks open next door)
Black: (cringes at the sound of metal slamming into the wall; he painstakingly reaches over and locks his door)
Tonks: Huh! Well! Not there either!
Back in the hall, Harry is just coming out of Bedroom Number One when Lupin exits Bedroom Number Two.
Lupin: Hey - Harry
Harry: What's all that banging in there? (points behind him)
(SLAM)
Lupin: Ah, we'd better go rescue Sirius.
Harry: He's in trouble again?!
Women's bathroom:
Tonks: Where ARE you guys???? Is it DOOR NUMBER THREE!? (kicks it open; SLAM) Aww. this is disappointing - tell me you're not both in the same one!! EH? (Harry and Lupin pause in the doorway)
Lupin: So - our absence has sent you into a violent rage, Tonks?
Tonks(spins around): Hah! Remus - So it's Sirius in there, is it? (thumbs to the last stall) I was wondering - morning, Harry.
Harry: Don't kill Sirius.
(Laughter from last stall; suddenly Sirius slides down from the walls and cane be seen under the stall door.)
Black: AH - good to know I have half the house looking out for me - SEE! You're outnumbered, Tonks!
Hermione: OUT OF OUR BATHROOM!!
Harry: Ah! Hermione -
Hermione(behind them): So you should be scared - sneaking aro -- What did you do to our doors!?
Tonks: Trying to sticky note them - but they were too slow. (kicks at Black under the door) Now move along! Let us shower in peace! And you should come back after breakfast and put those doors back on!
Black: What's this make it then? 9-4?
Tonks: Yeah.. we'll give you one.
Hermione: Pity point.
Black: For crying out loud.. (exeunt the guys)
Bedroom Number Two:
Snape wakes up - there is a large panel of brown metal staring him in the face. Lupin has propped the door against his bed, at head level.
Snape: .... ... (sighs; falls back into pillow)
Breakfast continues the smart talk of the failed shower attack.
Tonks: So I walk into the bathroom and there's two doors missing!
Voldemort: Serves you right. At least your cat wasn't gone.
Dumbledore(twinkling): If I didn't know better, Tom, I'd say you have formed an attachment to little Bertrum...
Voldemort: And where is Severus? I need him to help me move the other sofa back into the house. We're lucky it didn't rain again last night.
Tonks: AS I WAS SAYING-
BigBrother: ATTENTION, HOUSEMATES! This is your eviction day for this week - you had a slight reprieve earlier.. But THE DAY OF JUDGMENT IS COME - Harry Potter you have been voted off!
(Black howls in rage as the others stare, appalled. Voldemort lights up - Snape even exhibits an emotion: Surprise.)
Harry: .....what?
BigBrother: By a substantial margin, no less.
Hermione: THEY CANT VOTE OFF HARRY!
Draco: You're next, Mudblood. (She smacks him) Ow!
Harry: I - I guess I'd better pack! (stumbles from table)
Black: Harry -(goes after him)
Draco: Well.. what were you saying, Miss Tonks?
Tonks: Shut up.
Upstairs, Harry is packing; Sirius trying to help without getting in the way.
Black: Is this your robe? (presents blue robe)
Harry: That's Tonks's!
Black: Sorry - So... You're leaving me-
Harry: Well, I don't have a choice, Sirius. You know I'd stay..
Black: Damn. We'll have to avenge you-
Harry: I don't know.. Then Snape will be more angry with me.
Black: Oh don't worry, you can leave him to me..
Harry(finished packing;turns): When will I see you again, Sirius??
Black: I don't know - when I get kicked out, I suppose!
Harry(determined): No! You can't be kicked out. You have to win.
Black(hugs him): I'll do my best..
Sirius, Lupin, Tonks, Hermione, and Dumbledore wish Harry a teary goodbye, embracing and patting and crying. Voldemort is so pleased that he actually hugs Snape, whose only reaction is "Don't get cat hair on my robes." The others mill about in devastation for the remainder of the afternoon.
Tensions and ill-will hit a new high at the dinner table when the last piece of artichoke pie
comes up.
Black: I'll take it - (reaching)
Tonks(sitting across from him): Ah, I was looking at that actually....
Lupin: Can someone pass the potatoes, please?
Draco(frowns): I'm surprised it's taken the pie so long to be eaten...
Hermione: Here, professor.. (hands him potato bowl)
Black: Someone has to finish it.
Tonks: I'll do it.
Black: I was going to-
(Dumbledore and Voldemort, seated at opposite ends of the table, glance knowingly at one another.)
Tonks: Come on, Sirius - after my show of mercy in the bathroom this morning I think you should be offering it to me.
Black: (takes hold of the pie plate) You should be giving it to me as a consolation prize!
Tonks(takes other side; now it's being tugged in both directions): But I'm hungry-
Snape: Glad to know they're setting such a fine example for the children..
Hermione: I think we have been setting a better example lately.
Draco: "lately"?
(SPLASH! - Black's latest tug rips the plate from Tonks, and his elbow smacks into Lupin's glass, knocking it all over him.)
Lupin: Ah - good thing it was tomato juice and not something that stains..
Tonks: HEY!
Black: heheh - Sorry there-
Lupin: You are impossible, give her that pie-
Black: What! taking her side now?
Dumbledore: Children-
Lupin: If you say so, Albus.. (takes Black's half-finished bowl of applesauce, dumps it nicely on his head)
Black: AGHHHH!!!!!!!!
Hermione(appalled and amused): Professor Lupin!
Tonks: HAHAH!
(Lupin and Black are grinning at each other - one drenched in red, the other green like a pair of oversized Christmas ornaments.)
Tonks: Hahahah!!
Black: That so, Tonks? (throws a handful of mashed potatoes in her direction -splat!) AGh!
Hermione: ew - you got some on me!
Draco(to Snape): Now is a good time to leave the table. Once Granger gets involved we'll all suffer-
Hermione: I heard that, Malfoy!
Snape: Spoke.. too soon, Draco.
(Hermione catapults a forkful of potatoes at Malfoy and hits his pointed nose.)
Draco: -ugh... ... ! (fist clenches around his bowl of applesauce)
Dumbledore(as the food fight breaks out): It was only a matter of time..
Voldemort: (watches as the food flies back and forth) Albus, are you going to allow this?
Dumbledore(setting up a fork catapult): Oh, I started it, Tom...
Voldemort: What are you doing with that?
Dumbledore(twinkling): You seem so ... reclusive down there.. (launches it at him)
Voldemort: Damned scheming, Albus! (ducks as it whizzes over his shoulder)
Snape(on his left): I suppose it's inescapable now. (reaches for the serving bowl of beets)
Black(sees, dives half across table, tipping glasses and catapulting utensils): Nooooooo! - don't give him the beets!!
Hermione: BEETS!
Lupin: -we have beets?
Draco(trying to protect his hair): Merlin help us.. (crawls under table)
Snape(has posession of beet bowl): That's right, Draco....
Voldemort: Good, Severus- (grabs a pair; hurls them at Dumbledore)
Tonks: Danger!
Black: Why are the beets on THAT end of the table! cr-- (ducks)
Lupin: We have the rest of the potatoes!-
Hermione grabs them - the fight escalates as food flies everywhere. The crowning moment is Dumbledore's expert use of the gravy bowl to splatter everyone within a 6 foot radius. When the food finally runs out, the housemates sit back panting and taking in the disaster. Tonks, Lupin, and Black - in the heart of the battle, are drenched in food; the kitchen is another Gettysburg. The beet juice in particular lends a bloody realism to the carnage. Now Malfoy cowers on the floor whimpering. Tomato juice drips from Lupin's right ear.
Draco: Well... are you - barbarians finished up there?!
Snape(looks over table at him; his face is white with potato): We've run out of ammunition.
Dumbledore: Poor planning, I must say. (stretches arms behind head) Well, who wants to draft the cease fire agreement?
Voldemort: Who wants to clean up?!
Dumbledore: Those terms will be specified in the treaty.
Voldemort: Sounds suspicious, Albus.
Lupin: I elect you to clean up, Professor Dumbledore, since you started it.
Black: hah - If I remember correctly-
Lupin(holds up tomatoed finger to silence him): Ah - not all wars are begun with the first shot fired..
Dumbledore: Very true, Remus. That's why I think Sirius and Nymphadora ought to clean up. (grins)
Tonks: What!
Hermione: We all participated, why don't we all clean up?
Draco: What (sits up) I didn't!
Hermione: you did so, this tea stain is owing to you! (points out splotch of brown on her sleeve.)
Draco: Minor details..
Voldemort: The patriachs should not have to clean up.
Dumbledore: I think any sovereign has a responsibility to protect and fairly treat his subjects - and not to condescend by never participating in activities.... maybe just you and I ought to clean up..
Black: SOLD!
Tonks: Yes, I agree
Lupin: Good idea!
Draco: That's better.
Hermione: Fine with me.
(Voldemort turns to Snape, the only silent housemate.)
Snape: ...glad that's settled. (sweeps to sink, begins washing face)
Dumbledore: Good. You can start by picking up the beets, Tom..
Voldemort: Albus... knavery!
Dumbledore(chuckles): nothing like a little knavery to put us back in a good mood..
Draco: ... whatever happened to my pie anyway?
Tonks: uh....
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A/N: here's the votes, mostly from the ff.net days.
Voldemort: wickedcoldfire, lilsi, insane video game nerd, violetfemme, padfootandprongs4ever, ThE 3 cAbAlLeRoS , pirate monkey, o.O.o.O.pudley wudlie.O.o.O.o, mpalko
Harry: lupinschic, spaced out space cadet, pheonixrising5, CoPaCaBaNa, Jillian Prewett, moggy-is-cool, Snuffles2984, hye em yes, gryffindorprincess89, queenbeth2, ed the giant racoon, archangel nemesis, lupin lover, silvar, 107alon
Dumbledore: dracosgirl, wacko, NT, mkn