A/N pt2: Thanks for the emails! they're better than the ff.net alert bot thing. ;-} also, Plasma Moose gets credit for the prank idea in today's ep.
Warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash", nietzsche, sticky notes.
Day 30, Thursday
Draco wakes up early, goes through his morning routine, and heads downstairs. In the sun room he finds Voldemort awake, and eating a piece of the artichoke pie.
Voldemort: Draco, child - this is not bad..
Draco(stretches himself out on sofa): I thought you were scared to have any...You didn't last night.
Voldemort: "Scared" ?
Draco: You know what I mean - "wisely cautious," but once you saw there were no ill effects...
Voldemort: I'll tell you why. I did not have a piece last night because Severus did not have a piece last night. He's closer to you than I am, and I'm not about to go walking into any traps.
Draco: You can't think I poisoned it - I had a piece myself!
Voldemort: I've been observing him very closely these days.. though I can't find any... tell-tale signs - perhaps you could help me?
Draco: Professor Snape said I did enough this week..
Voldemort: You could.... request head of household status on my behalf.. Perhaps that was my flaw - asking Severus instead of you.
Draco(frowns delicately): I'm not sure they'd grant that.
Voldemort: They haven't refused you anything yet!
Draco: Yes, but they already said no.
Voldemort(eyes flash menacingly): Are you arguing with me, child?
Draco: ... I'll go ask right now. (leaves with a bit more haste than the usual saunter)
Voldemort: He has been spending too much time around Severus, I fear... I shall have to talk to him...
Draco reaches the Diary Room, takes a deep breath, smooths out his hair, and enters.
Draco: Ah... I remember I had promised to give a lengthy and descriptive monologue of my True Thoughts and Feelings at some point, since Big Brother granted my last request. (looks upward) And also, thank you for the artichokes. (back to camera, sits) So. (folds arms) I'm glad Professor Snape is staying. It would have been difficult - just me and You-Know-Who. Not that I hold anything against him - he's not the sort of person you do that to.. just... he's always bothering me for stuff. Case in point: He wants me to request Head of Household Status. Well?
BigBrother: That is not a very convincing argument, Mr. Malfoy..
Draco: SHH Don't tell the whole house!!
Cut to Sun Room:
(Voldemort looks up; eyes narrow)
Draco(scowls): quiet! - I mean... I hadn't started the argument yet. Head of Household... is a privilege, I understand - granted to.. someone who... should.. nominate the people of his choice. And, er - The Dark Lord would make responsible decisions. And giving him head of household would prevent ME from being nominated. And my fans would appreciate that. (nods for more emphasis)
BigBrother: NO HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD!
Draco(pouts): Not even for one week?
BigBrother: It would have to be won at a Challenge.
Draco: Good, they can play chess for it.
BigBrother: NO.
Draco: (looks back at camera) Well, audience, I'm not pleased. How's that for True Thoughts and Feelings? (storms out)
Harry is awake now, and has joined Dumbledore for morning tea in the kitchen.
Harry(having heard BB): Is he after Head of Household again?
Dumbledore: Always striving and scheming.. a true Slytherin if I do say so myself..
Harry: You don't... you don't think he'll win, do you?
Dumbledore: Hard to say... the dark side holds a certain seductive attraction for many.
Harry: I don't see why!
Dumbledore: Power.
Harry: (frowns) this is starting to sound like something out of Star Wars, isn't it?
Dumbledore: ... I'm sure if you say so....
Harry(head in hands): agh, warped by pop culture..
Dumbledore: Don't worry, Harry. There's something be learned from popular muggle culture, after all it is an expression of myth.. and what is myth but an expression of all our deepest fears and desires and values? ....Might you draw some lessons from your "Star Wars" after all?
Harry: ... (ponders quietly for a while) .... So... does this mean Hermione's really my long-lost sister?
Dumbledore: Ah.. .. experience will help you interpret these situations later on...
Harry: (sighs)
It may begin like another idyllic day in the house, but no - nothing is to prepare our housemates for the DOOM that is about to befall them in the form of.......sticky notes.
It all begins at 1404, when a one Nymphadora Tonks discovers a packet of pink sticky notes in a kitchen drawer.
Tonks: What's this?
Draco: Hm?
Tonks(pulls one off): It's a note pad - but... they stick! (sticks one to her forehead) Hah!
Draco(rolls eyes): I am not related to you.
Tonks: Yes, please - I won't tell anyone if you don't.
Draco: Consider yourself disowned.
Tonks: Deal. (posts a sticky note on his forehead) HAH!
Draco: get tha-! Agh! (throws it to ground, stamps on it - Tonks snickers as it sticks to his foot) ARGH!
Soon Tonks has shown Hermione the new toy.
Hermione: Yes? I've seen these before.
Tonks(as if this is novel): They stick wherever you put them!
Hermione: That's why they're called sticky notes.
Tonks: We should put them in irritating places.. heheh
Hermione: Right where they're least expected... (they giggle and sneak off to begin the pranking anew.)
Two hours later, Lord Voldemort returns to his sun room to find a barrage of sticky notes. Instead of real objects.
Voldemort: What... where's my coffee table?! (in the center of the carpet is a pink sticky note; it reads "Coffee Table.") WHERE IS IT! (directs his gaze about room - there are pink notes everywhere; notes called "Chair," "Book," "Decorative Birdhouse." "Artificial Ficus Tree" has been taped to the bookshelf at eye level, and on the sofa where Voldemort normally rests is another note entitled "Bertie.") WHAT HAVE THEY DONE WITH BERTRUM?!! FOOLS! To willingly bring about the wrath of Lord Voldemort!! (exit with enraged flourish.)
As Voldemort storms thoughout the hosue searching for the perpetrators, the perpetrators seek him out as well. Tonks is now peeking out from the den doorway.
Tonks: sh! He's coming-
Hermione: You don't have to look, you could hear him raging in the next town over!
Black(lounging on couch): that's for sure. And you brought this all about with sticky notes? Hard to believe.
Tonks: heheh shhh... gotta get one on his back... (she ducks behind the door as Voldemort sweeps into the room)
Voldemort: Fools. Did you think I wouldn't know immediately who had done it??
Black(hands behind back): ahh, I suppose I'd better not try to argue with you..
Hermione: What happened?
Voldemort: Notes, Miss Granger. (turns to Black) Where'd you put everything? What have you done to Bertrum?
Black(snorts): Bertrum?!! There's a note in place of the cat?! HAHAHAH!
Voldemort: Was it you, Mr. Black, or should I assume your godson was involved? (as he speaks, Tonks creeps over to him and lightly touches a note to his back; she ducks behind the door again) Or what about your werewolf friend?
Black: I still think you ought to consider the ladies.. We are in a battle of the sexes, are we not? What's the score again?
Hermione: 7-3.
Black: Seven!?
Hermione: We got Malfoy with the tires in the kitchen.
Black: Sounds like Cluedo.. Who'd have guessed tires -
Voldemort: SILENCE! Where are the sun room furnishings??
Black: I have no idea.
Voldemort: (turns to Hermione) Miss Granger.....?
Hermione: I - uh.. (freezes under his stare - luckily, Lupin walks in)
Lupin(sees Voldemort's back): Ah- (catches self).. Hi everyone!
Voldemort(spins around, Black sees the note): Calling in the backup... I suppose you know what's happened to the sun room.. Mr. Lupin?
Black(chuckles): I don't think he needs to go all the way to the sun room to figure out what's happened...
Lupin: I was just coming to.. see if anyone wanted some afternoon tea?
Voldemort: Indeed, indeed.. SEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVERRRRRRRRUSSSSSSS!!!
Living Room:
Snape looks up from his reading, faint expression of distaste..
Black(winks at Lupin): Ah, poor old Severus in trouble again!
Voldemort: I'll get to the bottom of this.. I'm certainly not searching this haystack.. (exit; Tonks steps out from behind door)
Tonks: Heheh... Did you see it?
Lupin: I did.. well done.
Hermione: 8-3.
Tonks: I want to be there when he finds the coffee table in the bathroom..
Black(stands, stretches with lazy grace): Now about this 8-3 business... It's only 8-3 because we haven't pursued the issue yet.. We've been spotting you a lead..
Hermione: Oh, spotting us a lead, Tonks?
Black: We haven't... officially declared war.. I mean.. Malfoy - hah - what's he going to do? But you get Moony and Padfoot involved.. then you're asking for trouble.
Tonks(hands on hips): I think you two had better get involved then!
Black: Oh, shall we declare war, Remus?
Lupin: They're asking for it.
Black: Good then! (the four of them shake)
Hermione: That means you're kicked out of our bathroom.
Lupin: Treachery!
Black: I suppose we'd better go move the coffee table then..
Lupin: heh - let's go. (exeunt)
Hermione: Think we should "spot them a lead" and tell them about the ficus tree in Sirius's bed?
Tonks: Nah, he'll see it soon enough. - let's get the sofa while the getting's good.
Hermione: Think it's clear?
Tonks: Has to be - he's searching elsewhere.. (they sneak off to the sun room)
30 minutes later, Snape and Voldemort are in the hallway at the bottom of the staircase. Snape dumps the plastic ficus tree at Voldemort's feet.
Snape: I'm going to the back porch where there are real trees.
Voldemort: I'll take this from here. Thank you, Severus. (Bertie skips down the stairwell and rubs against Voldemort's robes.) Bertrum has returned, I see.
Snape: Charming. I go - Oh, and .. there's a note on your back that reads "I love teddybears." (turns and sweeps off)
Voldemort: ... (blinks)...So eloquent always. Come, Bertrum - we must reclaim our sun room.
On the back porch, Snape encounters three wicker rocking chairs and two sofas. Blinks. Shrugs. Takes one of the sofas, stretches out.
Back in the sun room:
Voldemort: ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE IS IT!???
Bertie: Meoh!
Voldemort(ground-shaking utterance that can be heard outside the house): SSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVERRRRRRRRRRRRUSSSSSSSSS!!
Back on the sofa, Snape closes his eyes and pretends to be asleep.
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A/N: Last day to vote.. Harry, Dumbledore, or Voldemort.