warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash"
Day 40, Sunday Challenge Day
It is early morning when Draco brings Voldemort his tea.
Voldemort: Ahgh.. child...
Draco: I brought you some tea. Did you need anything else? (hands him cup)
Voldemort: talkies-
Draco: What?
Voldemort: (takes weak sip) those walkie talkie contraptions..
Draco: I... Ok.. (confused look, but he leaves and returns shortly with a pair of walkie talkies.)
Voldemort: Ahh (takes one) Excellent... the other... to Severus..
Draco: Oh, I see.
Voldemort: Good boy - then go get yourself an ice cream sandwich..
Draco: Yes sir. (exit)
Voldemort: (evil chuckle)
Upstairs, Draco finds the invalids awake, and groaning and grumbling-
Black: you - used 'em alll!!
Snape: Quiet Black!
Lupin(nasal whine): tisssueeeeess...
Snape: Yes (sniffles violently), thanks for the contribution, Lupin-
Draco(drawl): Well, you're still alive..
Black(growl at Snape): not for long...
Lupin: (unintelligible)
Snape: ...what, Draco?
Draco(walks over to the bed where Snape is buried, holds out walkie talkie): Professor Snape, the Dark Lord wishes you to have this.
Snape(eyes it darkly): Is this supposed to help me heal?
Draco: I don't know. He has the same thing you do.
Black: hah!
Draco: And I don't want it anymore. dont forget to turn that on.
Snape: yes
Draco: Good bye! (sweeps out)
Black: ... damn.. brat
Snape(clicks): Hello.
--------SPLIT SCREEN BIG BROTHER!-----
Back in sun room-
Voldemort(sipping tea; Bertie on lap): Ah, Severus. You're alive, I take it?
Snape: presumably... (adds ironically) we're out of tissues..
Voldemort: you dear fool - my condolences. But you know why I called you?
Snape(eyeing Black and Lupin, who are watching with what interest they can muster): ... no..
Voldemort: perhaps you have not heard -(blows nose)
(Snape grimaces; Black snickers)
Voldemort: ach, this cold - Draco - is he gone?
Snape: Yes
Voldemort: Draco has taken back the ice cream.... forcibly..
Snape: (considers)... you know I have nothing vested in ice cream......
Voldemort: Severus, Severus... it is not a question of ice cream - he can have it.. It is a matter of personal honour - you don't know how - HOW....(clenches fist, sniffles) We won't discuss the nature of the ice cream recovery, but suffice it to say it must be avenged. I need your expertise.. can you brew me some sort of sleeping draught?
Snape: No magic. (glares at Black, who is still watching intently; Lupin seems to have dozed off again)
Voldemort: oh, of course! yes. I am ill.. - but you could-
Snape: Alcohol will be just as effective.. Take Black's Vodka, it-- (cuts off, grimacing as if about to sneeze; he puts a finger to his nose)
Black: WHAT!
Lupin(not moving): mhgh?
Voldemort: Oh yes, the alcohol - where is it?
Snape(recovers): Yes - in the den, that bottom cabinet..
Black: you can't use it-
Snape(to Black): Quiet-
Voldemort(stroking cat absently): Severus.. you're not letting the others in on this, are you?
Snape: ... It's somewhat... unavoidable. Take the Vodka.. put it in his drink.. he probably won't notice.
Voldemort: I shall try.... oh, there will be vengeance...
Snape: ... what.. may I inqu- (the walkie talkie interrupts with the sounds of manic laughter; Snape holds it back, for once watching in unguarded discomfort)
Black: Good. little brat deserves some discipline...
Snape: discipline from the dark lord...
Black(scowls): oh, what's he going to do?
Snape(smirks): We'll find out.
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES! IT"S SUNDAY, CHALLENGE DAY!
Black: ARGHHH
BigBrother: THE SICK housemates do not have to participate..
Meanwhile, Draco sits at the kitchen table, finishing his ice cream sandwich; he scowls at the news.
Draco: What timing..!
(Enter Dumbledore)
Dumbledore: Ah, I wonder what today's challenge is?
BigBrother: The Challenge is in the den. Report there now.
(Draco shrugs, rolling his eyes, and Dumbledore smiles - they meet Tonks in the den.
On the sofa is a large box with holes along the sides. nothing can be seen inside, but the contents are alive and scratching and chittering)
Tonks: What IS that?
BigBrother: OPEN THE BOX!
Tonks(hesitates, but lifts the lid): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh!!!
Cut to sun room:
Voldemort: .. Bertrum, this bodes ill..
Bertie: (ears perked up at the sounds of scratching)
Voldemort(also listening): .... what could that be? --
(The scratch of claws on tile becomes louder until it breaks off abruptly - as two squirrels hit the carpet and scurry under the sofa. Bertie launches herslef at them, and the chase is on-)
Voldemort: WHAT! SQUIRRELS! (coughing fit) Ahgh--
Meanwhile upstairs- all three invalids have heard the scream. Lupin bolts upright at the sound -
Lupin: What! (listens with the other two - frozen, not breathing, trying to hear - suddenly claws against staircase) Close the door!! QUICK!
(His desperate words launch Black and Snape into action. They leap out of bed, dragging sheets with them, and sprint for the door)
Black: GOT IT!
(They fall into it at once; it slams shut as they slide down, panting)
Black: What.. What in the world--
Lupin(wide-eyed, dead serious): Squirrels.
Snape(blinks): ..... squirrels?
BigBrother: Your goal is to return them to the box by 6pm. Winners will receive medicine and food supplies. That is all...
Lupin(answering Snape): You wouldn't believe...(sniffs, nodding)
Black(nods solemnly to Lupin): Do you remember that time when you tried to eat one, but it called its... friends and then four or five descended upon us!! We ran!
Lupin: .... (looking at wall in thought, turns back to them). ... I remember you telling me.. Wormtail was terrified of them from that day forth-
Black: Don't-
Snape: Are you two quite finished? (sniffles violently)
(They freeze as claws scrape against the door from the other side)
Lupin: They're nasty!
Snape(recovers): Tiny woodland creatures... ... glad I don't have to deal with them (picks up sheet, returns to bed)
Back in the den, the challenge is sinking in as squirrels run about and chew various objects. Tonks thinks this is a fun game, Draco is appalled, and Dumbledore simply leaves the room without a word.
Tonks: they're cute little buggers, aren't they?
Draco: I'm not playing.
Tonks: What - you have to play. It's a Challenge. Big Brother will punish you if you don't..
Draco(sighs): What am I supposed to do - (gestures at the squirrel investigating his shoes) pick it up??
Tonks: Sure, why not? (grabs one on the back of the sofa- it screeches and struggles and whisks its head around to bite her. she drops it in horror) Oh ... dear.. this isn't going to be so easy, is it?
But in the kitchen, Dumbledore has devised a fool-proof plan. He crumbles crackers on the floor, then NETS the squirrels as they come to eat. He's already caught four of them and is brewing a new pot of tea as he awaits the next victims.
Sun Room:
Voldemort: STOP!! agh - (coughs, clears throat) Ah, BERTRUM, ATTACK!!
(But the cat has already feld the room in pursuit of the first squirrels. Now a new wave has entered, and they are getting into Voldemort's tea biscuits)
Voldemort: PESTS -- DRACO!!! (swats at squirrels; one of them jumps at him; raucous struggles ensues)
Bedroom Number Two - Lupin is crouched down, listening to the mayhem outside; Snape is reading, handtowel held up to his nose-
Black: We should lock one of them in Tonks's room.. no - the closet!
Lupin: That would require one of you to get one. (sniffs)
Black: you could-
Lupin: no
Snape: AAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCCCCCCCCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Lupin(startled): you have to stop that, Severus-
Snape(sniffles): ... yes..
Black(to Snape): You could do it too...
Snape: I don't think so, Black.
Black: for the cause-
Lupin: If you do that, won't they lose the Challenge?
Snape(glances up): voice of reason
Lupin(sniffles): won't they?
Black: WONT THEY, BIG BROTHER?
(Snape puts down the book so he can clutch his forehead)
BigBrother: ..... No.
Black(intrigued): Then we have to do it.
Lupin: Go then!
Black: Fine (stands up, rubs forehead) bloody cold... (stretches) I go.. to bra-
Lupin: just go, don't stand here and talk about it - GO!
Black(looks up, offended): Ok! (storms out, closes door forcefully)
Snape: Thank you.
Meanwhile, Tonks is chasing a squirrel into Bedroom Number Three. She closes the door behind her
Tonks: I CAUGHT YOU NOW.. (picks up a towel hanging off bedpost, approaches squirrel. It sits beneath the window and watches quietly.. warily.. it tenses as she nears. Tonks dives, towel first, but the squirrel darts around and climbs up one of the beds) agh! Damn! (she chases it around the room for some time before she realizes ths is not an effective method of squirrel-catching. She sits on a bed to reconsider)
Elsewhere - Sirius is on the prowl, and more so than if he were just squirrel hunting. He can't be seen out of bed by the other housemates or he'll be recruited into doing something constructive.. He sneaks downstairs.. He knows that squirrels eat anything, so the trick is to lure them with food... But in the kitchen he sees Dumbledore already putting this principle to work... He turns away, waiting in the hallway .. Now what???
Enter Draco-
Black: shit-
Draco: (stops)......... well, Mr. Black.... what are you doing here?
Black: oh, you're just like your old man... I ... was hungry... thought I'd get a little snack...(notices that Malfoy has a package of crackers in his hand) you might... lend me a few crackers?
Draco(scowls): "lend you" ? I certainly don't want them back after you touch them...
Black: Give me a few?
Draco: Worse still......(pause) In exchange for what?
Black("a good smack in the jaw"): Ah... I won't steal any ice cream for a week?
Draco: You won't do that anyway-
(Dumbledore comes out of the kitchen into the hallway)
Dumbledore: Ah, Sirius, you must be feeling better..
Black("damn it"): Only well enough to come get a few crackers and go back to bed... (gives his most charming smile then walks into kitchen)
Dumbledore: Hm.. he's up to something (winks at Draco)
Tonks meanwhile has taken to threatening squirrels with spray paint.
Tonks: COME BACK HERE! DONT MAKE ME USE THE PURPLE!! (chases one across second floor hallway)
Bedroom Number Two:
(sounds of loud skittering, stomping, and yelling)
Lupin(hand to head): What is she doing out there??
Snape(pained expression): .........you should not encourage her, Lupin..
(five minutes later the door opens and Black sweeps in)
Black: Hah! Mission accomplished!
Lupin: you got one in her room?
Snape(muttering): there goes the peace...
Black: Yes, and I pilfered more tissues from the downstairs bathroom!
Lupin: oh you wonderful creature, give me one (drapes a hand over bed)
Black: But.. but Albus AND the little Malfoy saw me..
Snape(looks up irritably): ...hasn't he been doped up yet?
Black: Apparently not!(sits back on bed; hands Lupin a kleenex)
(Tonks runs past the door again, cursing at the squirrels; the guys pause)
Black: I er.. don't think they're going to win this one..
Five hours later the housemates have gathered a woefully inadequate number of the furry nuisances. Draco's contribution to the challenge has been "checking the bathroom for squirrels" which means camping out where it's safe. Tonks has managed to change the wall color of the upstairs hallway to a friendly rainbow, but not to catch any squirrels. Dumbledore and Bertrum have actually captured some 15 squirrels, but this there are still about 5 at large when the challenge ends.
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES!
(In Bedroom Number Two, Black wakes up with a startled snort)
BigBrother: YOU HAVE LOST THE CHALLENGE-
Black: An, big surprise (rolls over)
BigBrother: You should be ashamed! You win no medicine and no food! THAT IS ALL!
Kitchen:
Draco: .. aren't they going to repossess the squirrels?
BigBrother: NO, you have to deal with them!
Draco(huffs): They're in a bad mood!
Dumbledore: We failed them..
Tonks: .. I .. er.. thought the upstairs needed a little... brightening up, guys.. Just so you're not too alarmed when you see it...
Dumbledore(twinkling): I'm sure it'll be lovely, whatever you've done...
Sun Room is a disaster area - between the squirrel attack and Bertie's and Voldemort's counterattack, nothing is how it should be. The plastic ficus tree has been toppled again ("damn flimsy thing"); the coffee table is cleared, its decorations and books on the floor. The carpet is covered in fur and blood from Bertrum's conquests, and Voldemort has thrown a boot out one of the windows.
Voldemort: ... ah... (sniffles) what a day to be plagued.... They're trying to kill me, Bertrum.. all of us, really.. but I'll be a stronger, better Dark Lord for it... Just you watch... (sighs - coughs) In the meantime, CURSE THIS COLD!!
Four hours later:
Tonks opens the door to her room - a squirrel jumps out
Tonks: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhh!!!!