warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," ... Romanticism?
Day 52, Sunday Challenge
Early morning Draco makes his silent way down to the kitchen... Black is awake in his room, but pretending to snore.
Draco creeps downstairs and makes his assualt on the kitchen - the pantry is emptied except for the blandest and most boring soups and pastas; the baking pans he hides in the hall closet; the refrigerator is left mostly with condiments - even his beloved ice cream must go.
Draco(teary-eyed, clutching box): Oh, my dear -- I never thought it would come to this, but you understand...I have to do it - I couldn't see you in the hands of another...not this week... agh... (throws it in sink to melt; stifled sob) Oh God!! - there is no God! (buries head in hands, sobs uncontrollably)
Next morning; Draco sleeps in, but Snape and Lupin are up at the crack of dawn, ready to vie for power over the kitchen. Lupin gets there first, Snape hot on his heels
Snape: Lupin, you can't cook every meal--
Lupin: (freezes in middle of kitchen; Snape walks right into him)
Snape: Watch it-
Lupin: Ah.... problem...
Snape: What? (steps aside - sees sink and the remnants of Draco's melted ice cream sandwiches)......oh.. (gravely) I never thought it would come to this.
Lupin(looks at Snape, wide-eyed): If he's thrown out the ice cream...
Snape: ....(knowingly disturbed).... Yes..
(They frantically go about checking the food supplies -- find them woefully depleted; both wind up sitting at kitchen table in despair)
Lupin: We've been sabotaged. All that's left is peanut butter and jelly...
Snape: And didn't your damned Black tell you about this?
Lupin: of course not! He's been all out of sorts lately and he doesn't trust me now because I wouldn't let him throw out the bunt cake.
Snape: (the "don't you feel like an idiot now" look)
Lupin: But perhaps he didn't know..
Snape: Making excuses.
Lupin(sighs): Think Big Brother will give us food?
Snape: ... Today is the Challenge.
(Enter Voldemort)
Voldemort: Well, this is a sight - you two commiserating at the table, what's happened?
Snape: Look in the sink.
Voldemort(glances in): Oh.... Who threw out the ice cream?
Lupin: Draco, we suspect..
Voldemort: He'd never-
Snape: To prevent us from taking it..
Voldemort: How noble. As I said - he'd never do that.
Lupin: The rest of the food is gone too.
Voldemort: WHAT?
Snape: And the baking pans are missing as well. It's a clear case of sabotage.
Voldemort: BIG BROTHER!
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES! ITS CHALLENGE DAY!
Upstairs:
Black: rgmmm (rolls out of bed - sees clock) WHAT! IT'S 800!!
Bedroom Number One:
Draco: ARGHH
Soon the two PBJ housemates appear in the kitchen - where they are faced with angry glares of Voldemort, Snape, and Lupin.
Black(grins): Good Morning! What's for breakfast? (makes a show of looking in the pantry) Hmm! Not much left! How about peanut butter and jelly toast?
Draco(plays along): I think there are some cookies cutters in that lower left cabinet.. How about CHRISTMAS TREE peanut butter and jelly toast?!
Black: MMMMM!
(Snape twitches; Lupin folds his arms.)
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES!
Voldemort(mutters): Never thought I'd be glad to hear that voice...
BigBrother: TODAY IS SUNDAY CHALLENGE. Given how the food supplies seem to have disappeared, we have reformulated our plans. We will now offer a challenge for FOOD!
Black: (scowls)
Draco: That's all right, really-
Lupin(cheerily): Good! Do tell!
BigBrother: You will have a house Scavenger Hunt! The first clue is in the living room. If you follow them all and finish by noon, you will be rewarded with food. Hopefully you will be able to complete the hunt with few obstacles.....(long pause as tense stares cross between Black, Draco and Snape, Lupin, Voldemort.) That is all!
(Now would be the ideal time for Dumbledore to step in and preserve the peace, but Dumbledore is not present)
Voldemort: I hope you gentlemen aren't going to cause too much trouble...
Black(smile): Trouble?
Draco: ...(the big innocent look) I thought we were all in this together?
Black: Yeah, we'll support you as much as you've supported us through our trials...
Voldemort(steely): ... I was afraid of that.
Lupin(stands): Well... let's try to find that first clue.
Snape(also stands): Agreed.
Black: Well... you guys have fun! (struts off; Draco follows holding his head high)
In the living room, there's a clue on the coffee table. Voldemort picks it up, reads
Voldemort: "housemates dear,
you've naught to fear
your second clue
is clothed in blue"
Lupin: oh dear...
Snape: What's blue?
Voldemort: ... hm..... ?
(Draco and Black watch from the doorway, listening intently)
Lupin: blue robes? a closet then?
Voldemort: It might not be literal. Best for us to split up. (to Lupin) You take the closets , Severus - oh, that big linen closet on the second floor (Snape nods), and I'll look around for what else may be blue down here.
(those three leave; Black whispers to Draco)
Black: Ok, we find the clues before they do and switch them around -
Draco: Good. (They also split up and begin the search)
Ustairs:
Lupin: How can you stsand being bossed around by him all the time?
Snape(rummaging through linen closet): Dumbledore's worse, actually - always those false pretences of being one's friend...
Lupin(disappears into a bedroom, calls back): I HOPE YOU DON'T MEAN THAT!
Snape(unfolds a blue towel; finds a note card with clue): .. Found it. (the search continues; Snape frowns) I FOUND IT.
Lupin(comes back out): Oh? Good.
(Voldemort appears at top of staircase)
Snape(reads flatly): "And now clue three
is in a tree
but not the ones outside
(you see, it's tried to hide)"
Voldemort: My Ficus Tree!
(dashes back down the stairs, almost knocking over Draco)
Draco: hey-
Lupin: don't fall!
Draco: .... (eyes narrow) What if they mean the coat tree?? (runs off in the opposite direction as Snape and Lupin follow Voldemort-
Downstairs in the hallway he runs into Black)
Black: Hey - you want to knock yourself out that's fine, more peanut butter and jelly for me.
Draco(snorts derisively): You can HAVE the peanut butter and jelly - look, the clue (primly lifts a decorative hat to reveal the fourth clue)
Black: Ah! (snatches it, reads with Draco) Now you know, Malfoy - the trick to thwarting their schemes is to lead them on a wild goose chase-
Draco(already going to kitchen): Yes, follow me! (they reach the kitchen where Draco gets pen and note card from a drawer - he hands them to Black) Ok, clue four (furrows brow, speaks) "clue four-
it's not a door
it's in chair
it's not a bear"
Black: That's terrible - I'm not writing that.
Draco: You think of one then.
Black: ah..."Clue four
you can score
don' be twitchin'
it's in the kitchen"
(meets Draco's skeptical gaze) See that's how a clue is written.
Draco: Horrid.
Black: I'm writing it anyway, because you need to plant it and I need to make up the next clue! (scribbles it out, hands to Draco) Go!
(Draco sniffs indignantly, but takes new clue to coat tree)
Meanwhile:
Lupin: .... I ... er... Don't think it's in the ficus tree...
(Voldemort and Snape have turned the tree upside-down and are now rooting through the foam noodle material in the pot)
Voldemort(sighs, sits on sofa): Where then? What was that clue again, Severus?
Snape: Tree. Not outdoors.
Lupin: ... coat tree?
Snape: ... of course. (they rush out)
At the coat tree they find the new fake clue left by Draco.
Voldemort: To the kitchen!
(And so the race goes - for quite some time - with Draco and Black always keeping one step ahead of the other three. Now it's 11o'clock and they are still no closer to finding the end)
Lupin: ... does this scavenger hunt seem abnormally long to you?
Snape: I'm not familiar with how long scavenger hunts should be..
Voldemort(wipes sweat off brow): Damn human form.. I'm finding it quite inconvenient these days... All right, this next clue "clue 32
it's nothing new
so shake a hoof
it's on the roof"
(pause)
Snape: ..... I'm beginning to agree with Lupin.
Voldemort(frowns): yes.. that does seem.. spurious..
Lupin: This requires a drink. (stalks out)
Snape: Sounding like Black -
Lupin: OF WATER!
Voldemort: Come on, let's consult in the kitchen.
In the kitchen, they find Draco and Black at the table, playing cards and taking turns spooning peanut butter out of a jar between them.
Draco: Do you have any jacks?
Black: You're such a damned cheater, Malfoy-
Draco(plainly): No.
(Lupin sweeps in, gets himself a glass of ice water; Snape and Voldemort soon follow)
Draco: Ah, did you finish the hunt?
Voldemort(approaches threateningly): What do you know about the hunt? Why might we inquire, aren't you helping?
Black: We have no incentive.
Lupin: What about teamwork and house loyalty?
Black(glares at him): Funny question coming from you!
Lupin: Sirius, it's bad enough when two of you are stuck with peanut butter and jelly for a week - if the rest of us are stuck with peanut butter and jelly for a week, we won't all make it out alive!
Black: That's so callous of you, Remus.
Draco(haughty raised eyebrow): Almost Malfoy-esque in its utilitarianism..
Lupin: (sighs)
Voldemort: Where's the real clue, Draco?
Draco(bored): I'm not sure... (looks at Black) Where did we put it?
Black: Oh....(offhanded wave) I think it may have slipped down the garbage disposal with the rest of the beef and broccoli soup....?
Lupin: WASTE!
Black: Least we don't have to smell it..
Voldemort: .... (eyes focus on the jar of peanut butter)
Black(senses): Oh no.. .(reaches for jar protectively; Draco brandishes his spoon) don't even try - that would be low...
Snape(turns to Lupin): ... You had said water, but what about another drink ... of alcohol?
Lupin: Ah yes, they haven't thrown that out, I bet..
Black: (white) NO--
Lupin and Snape turn and leave for the den
Black(jumps up): NOT THE ALCOHOL!!! (runs after)
Voldemort approaches Draco menacingly
Voldemort: Now then..... you were going to tell me about that clue you took... (pulls out wand) and it had better be an interesting story so it distracts me from your hair.. your hair which looks like it needs cutting again...
Draco(swallows nervously): eh.... clue???
Meanwhile in the den:
Black: NOOOOOOO! (dives at Lupin, who has a bottle of alcohol; they collapse into the sofa, struggle ensues) Give me - tha' bottle!
Lupin: No, Sirius!
Black: Damn !!
Snape(observing ironically; picks up two bottles from cabinet): A potions master should know... what sort of mixed drink can be concocted from these....
Black(turns around, wide-eyed): AGH!
Lupin(pushes him off): You are really going insane, Sirius, it's only been five days!!
Black: ONLY!?
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES - YOU HAVE LOST TODAY'S CHALLENGE!
(Voldemort's angry voice can be heard from kitchen; "DAMN!")
BigBrother: However, noting the split in the ranks and the clear sabotage of the scavenger hunt, we have graciously decided to offer a consolation prize to the housemates who made their best attempts to win today's challenge. Food will be delivered to the kitchen.
Black: NOOOO! (falls back on floor)
Lupin(unscrews bottle cap): I NEED a drink now! (takes gigantic swig)
Snape: Hm.. Perhaps... steak tonight... sauteed vegetables.. Yorkshire pudding..
Black: AGHHHHH (hands over head) can't....
Lupin: Oh stop your whining, Sirius - you're starting to sound like Draco.. 12 years of Azkaban and a week of peanut butter and jelly is getting the better of you!
Black(looks through fingers): ... I'm having a dramatic moment, Remus.
Snape: Well have a drink instead (hands bottle to him)
Black(pushes it away): NO! TEMPT ME NOT, VILLAIN!
Snape: Oh yes, I forgot.
Black: must... prevail.... three more days....
Lupin: You can do it.
Snape: We'll see. (sweeps out)