warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash"... I'll leave it at "Hints of Slash."
Monday, Day 53
The situation in the house has become desperate since we last left our residents.. Sirius Black is fast becoming neurotically afraid that he is going to be voted off. Snape, driven by his lust for revenge, has resorted to leaving delicious-looking baked goods on Black's bed and in his various favorite places around the house.. Draco has decided to go on hunger strike. It might seem that Lupin and Voldemort are the only sane characters left.. They are playing chess in the kitchen now.
Lupin: Knight to E5?? Why??
Voldemort: You will see..... all in good time, Mr. Lupin.
Lupin(shakes head): I should have known better..
(Black runs in, hands to face like an expressionist painting)
Black: THERE'S STEAK IN THE BATHROOM! AGHHHHHHHH!!
Voldemort(laughs): Ahh, Severus -- I knew I kept him alive for some reason.... hah-
Lupin(sternly): I'll have to speak to him...
Black(rummaging through pantry): Where's the peanut butter? MUST EAT SOMETHING!!!
Lupin: I thought Draco took it yesterday afternoon?
Black(wild look in eye): I - What did I have for dinner? Was there peanut butter even? it all seems like so long ago!! The days are running together! ITS AZKABAN ALL OVER AGAIN! (runs out frantically)
Voldemort: I shall have to keep this in mind.. it may replace cruciatus as preferred torture method..
Lupin(glares; standing): Don't be so sure of yourself. (exit)
Voldemort: THIS GAME, Mr. Lupin!
(Enter Snape, expressionless as usual)
Voldemort: Severus - I have to admit, the steak in the bathroom was a good touch.
Snape: hm... wait until he discovers the plate of pickles on his bed. The salt will send him over the edge..
Voldemort(evil laugh): hahahahahaah!
Meanwhile - Black is trying to run up the stairs, but in his frantic haste, he trips and falls into them..
Black: AGhh (pulls at hair)
(Lupin turns corner, comes up to help)
Lupin: Sirius, what are you doing?!
Black: Can't........ must...... have... FOOOOOODDD!!!
(Draco ghosts past at the top of the staircase; he is pale)
Draco: Did you see the yorkshire pudding in the linen closet? They're EVERYWHERE!!!!! (continues on)
Lupin: I'm becoming afraid-
Black(sobbing): .... can't.... need... MEAT!!
Lupin: now you sound like me - come on, you've only got two days left-
Black: FORTY-EIGHT HOURS!!
Lupin: Drink more water, it'll fill you up.
Black: SICK of water!
Lupin: You have to drink, Sirius..
Black(head hidden in arms): ... cant-
Lupin: Why don't you sleep? Take a long nap.
Black: Ok.. ok - (struggles to feet; Lupin lends him a supporting arm) Sleeeeeeeeeeep-
Back downstairs; Voldemort sits at the kitchen table rearranging chess pieces while Snape begins the next culinary project at the counter..
Voldemort: I think it will not be long before we have only the werewolf to contend with..
Snape: Yes.
Voldemort: That's what you wanted all along, isn't it?
Snape: ... to be rid of Black..
Voldemort: (long thoughtful pause)........ what are you cooking this time?
Snape: For lunch.. chicken cordon bleu.
Voldemort: Ahhh, marvelous - perhaps I shall recruit you to cater the next Death Eater meeting..
Snape: I only cook under duress.
Voldemort: That can be arranged as well.
Snape: But I can't guarantee the quality of the food.
Voldemort: ...Potions masters shouldn't cater Death Eater meetings, you're right.
(Suddenly a scream from upstairs)
Black: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Voldemort: Hm..what is that - another steak?
Snape(eyes twinkling darkly): Pickles.
Cut to upstairs - raucous struggle in Bedroom Number Two: Lupin has dived at the pickles on the bed and is covering them as best he can; Black tries madly to pull him away-
Black(eyes glittering insanely): MUST HAVE SALT!!!
Lupin: LET GO!!
Black: DONT GET IN MY WAY, MOONY!!
Lupin: Dont do it, Sirius!!!
Black: SALLLLTTT --
Lupin: You'll be kicked off! (tries to struggle away)
Black: IDONCARE! (reaches around for plate)
Lun:pi DONT- GH - think of HARRY!
(Black may be malnourished, but the mad craving for salt has given him extra strength, and Lupin is now in real danger of losing control of the pickle plate-)
Lupin: HELP!
(Enter Draco)
Draco(lazily): What's going on??
Black: EATT!!!
Lupin: HELP!
Draco: Ah, I see. (leans in doorway, makes a show of pondering situation) I suppose... I could help-
Lupin: AGH - SIRIUS!
Black: SALLLLTTTT--
Draco: Salt? (perks up) What have you got there?
Black: PICKLES!!!
Draco(look of longing): Oh no -- dill pickles??
Black: YESSSS!
Lupin: Wheres your WILL?! (elbows him in ribs)
Black: SALLLLTTT!!
Draco: Oh... ah.... Salt... That's too tempting - (runs over in desperation) Black, I'll strangle him, how's that??
Black: GOOD!
Lupin: HHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPP!!
Downstairs:
Voldemort(glances at ceiling): What do you suppose is going on up there, Severus?
Snape(ironically): Lupin is trying to be heroic.
Voldemort: Idiot.
Bedroom Number Two-
Draco has his hands around Lupin's neck - Black is trying to grab the plate out from under him -
Lupin: A---
Draco: PICKLES!
Black: PICKLES! (finally wrenches plate away - a stray pickle tumbles onto the floor; Draco and Black lunge for it; black's inexpert hand knocks it further under the bed - he hits his head trying to crawl after it)
Lupin(gasping): Agh-- DONT - EAT!
Draco: SALT!
Lupin: Fools! (sees the remaining pickles on the bed - throws them out the window then turns attention back to Sirius and Draco, who are madly trying to reach the pickle under the bed)
Black: CANT -- REACH!!
Draco: MOVE-
Lupin: (glances under - realizes they cant reach pickle because it has rolled towards the end ofthe bed and away; he darts to the foot and snatches it) Ah HAH!
Black(hits head again): ORHPH-
Draco: HE STOLE IT!
Lupin: (runs from room)
Draco(falls back on bed, gasping): Ohhhh - this is most undignified!
Black: MOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooony! We are undone!
Draco: hunger strike -- hunger strike, I tell you!
Downstairs - Lupin runs into the kitchen, red-faced, out of breath, shaken-
Voldemort: You're still alive! Must be that powerful werewolf survival instinct. Are you sure you don't want to join the ranks?
Lupin: Don't - (turns to Snape, still at counter) YOU!
Snape(malevolently): ..mm?
Lupin(holds up pickle threateningly): THIS.
Snape: Yes?
Lupin: SABOTAGE!
Snape: I never thought I'd see you reduced to monosyllabic communication, Lupin.. It's encouraging, I think..
Lupin: GRRRRR (shoves pickle down garbage disposal; slaps the switch on the wall)
Snape: Turn the water on.
Lupin: I expect BETTER of you, Severus! (stalks out)
Voldemort: So it's come to this then - with Albus gone SOMEONE has to play angry authority figure, eh?
Snape(smiles): The three of them will be dead by tomorrow morning....
It's mid afternoon when things finally calm down. Sirius has "realized the horror of my actions" and is now following Lupin around trying to apologize.
Lupin(sitting on den sofa): I just want to READ in peace - all right, Sirius?
Black: I didn't mean to let Malfoy strangle you, Moony.
Lupin: I know, but try not to lose control next time.
Black: It was SALTY-
Lupin: Shh..
Black: (sniffs) Oh no... he's baking again - the chicken I could handle - I dont like cordon bleu, but not SCONES....
Lupin: Go to the Diary Room!
Black: Yes (runs out)
Snape(appears in doorway; apron on): We made some adjustments to the Diary Room, by the bye...
Lupin: .... what... did.. you .. do??
Draco is already in the Diary Room - he has moved in certain supplies, including a sleeping bag. A sign sits in front of the doorway as Black enters; it reads "BIG BROTHER PROTEST - HUNGER STRIKE AGAINST CRUEL AND UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT"
Black: Very good, Draco (closes door)
Draco(sitting Indian style, hands on knees as if meditating): I know.
Black: He's baking again.
Draco: I'm going to disown him.
Black: I think you should have done that long ago.
Draco: It's all YOUR fault, you know.
Black: Yes, but you see with what nonchalance he ignores his house loyalties - he'd see YOU suffer to get at me.
Draco: Slytherin ambition. There's nothing disloyal about that. You see how the Dark Lord approves of him.
Black: Draco, I am not a minion of the Dark Lord, AND THIS IS WHY -- (Sniffs) What -- do you smell that?
Draco(sniffs): Oh no, cinnamon scones!
Black: I thought this room was smell proof! (goes over to door, gasps) THEY DRILLED HOLES!
Draco: NOooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Black: BIG BROTHER, this is too much!
BigBrother: are you feeling justly punished yet?
Draco: I am.
Black: my last week and this is how I'm treated -
Draco: That is sad irony indeed. Perhaps we should request veto power.
BigBrother(smarmy): If that is any consolation to the dying.. there will be a challenge tomorrow.
(Black and Draco look to each other, incredulous)
Back in the kitchen-
Voldemort: You hear that, Severus? Veto again?
Snape: It won't save Black.. He wasn't going to be voted off anyway.
Voldemort: It'd be really the crowning blow, though, if we won veto power, don't you think?
Snape(shrugs): I think the crowning blow will be filet mignon tomorrow night
Voldemort: Do we have that??
Snape: Freezer.
Voldemort: Big Brother is beginning to impress me..