warnings: abuse of HP characters, "Hints of Slash," Voldemort in the kitchen..
Day 55, Wednesday
It would normally be eviction day, but the veto has upset things for the time being. Lupin wakes up extra early to gain control of the kitchen but as he is stumbling down from the bunk bed, he wakes up Snape.
Snape(opens an eye in the dim early morning light): ...... Lupin..
Lupin: (surprised sound) eh?
Snape(sits up straight, like Dracula): What are you doing??
Lupin(whisper): Dont do that-
Snape: The kitchen.... is mine...
Lupin: Oh no... (runs out)
Snape: ... perhaps shouldn't have given him advanced warning.. (drags self from bed)
Two hours later, Sirius Black awakens; he's feeling weak, since he hasn't exactly been eating well lately..
Black: uhg..... (sits up suddenly) LAST DAY!! MY DAY OF FREEDOM HAS ARRIVED! HAHAH!! LET SNIVELLUS COOK A GRAND BANQUET MEAL AND IT WILL NOT TEMPT ME! MWAHAHAHHA!!!
10am:
Voldemort accosts Snape in the kitchen, where he is at the counter making some sort of batter..
Voldemort: So, Severus... You have taken over the kitchen now, have you?
Snape: Hardly. The werewolf is continually trying to win it over.
Voldemort: he's next....
Snape: ... after?
Voldemort: ....oh...well I suppose he's first.
Snape(scoffs): He's as popular as Black. One of us is going this week.
Voldemort: Convenient that YOU haven't been nominated in a while.
TheAuthor: Yes, funny that.
Snape: (evasive sort of shrug)
Voldemort(leans closer): You wouldn't have.. worked out any deals with them...?
Snape(flash of anger): No.
Voldemort: It just seems odd that after all this time - and all your supposed hatred of Black - you've only been nominated once...
Snape: They have been too busy nominating you.
Voldemort: SO. I'm the cover - I'm the shield for you!
Snape: Believe me.. if I asked them to nominate me instead of you, they would still nominate you.
Voldemort: ....(eyes narrowed) I'm beginning to think of your complacency all these past weeks, Severus -- not to mention yesterday's challenge!
Snape: I was doing my best to upset Black's game-
Voldemort: While letting Lupin win...?
Snape(compulsively grabs whisk): Let him win??
Voldemort(not backing down): Yesss? explain yourself!
Snape: I did not let him win. If I thought the fool would be a threat, I would have changed my strategy to stop him..
Voldemort: Well, at least you admit you were FOOLED?
Snape(glares): he's next..
Voldemort: I'll be making sure you stick to that..
Snape: ...(beats eggs violently with whisk)
Voldemort: (heads for door - pause suddenly) ... where's Draco?
Snape: .. probably dead in the Diary Room...
Voldemort: You should go investigate that.
Snape(strides over, bowl and whisk in hand; gives them to Voldemort): You beat the eggs then. (sweeps out in agitation)
Voldemort: wh.... Severus....!!
In the hall, Snape runs into none other than Sirius Black! who is making his triumphant way towards the kitchen.
Black: HAH! TOP O' THE MORNING TO YOU, SEVERUS SNAPE!
Snape: .....(dry disgust)
Black: (continues by cheerily) Yep! Whatever you're cooking today, I'm sure it'll be just GREAT! I'm getting a glass of refreshing, healthful ice water now! (disappears around corner)
Snape: ..... we're all gone mad...
(he continues to the Diary Room; slows, opens the door cautiously)
Draco(sprawled on floor): wwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaater-- (lifts hand towards newcomer)
Snape: Oh stop being dramatic and get yourself a drink.
Draco: I can't, Professor... too tireeeddd...
Snape: Today you eat real food again.
Draco: Ahhhhh (stares dreamily at ceiling)
Snape(deadpan): You're still alive. You're not bald. Congratulations.
Draco: what shall I eat FIRST?
Snape: I'm making ... (scowls at the thought) cupcakes.
Draco: hahahaahahah (trails off, dry mouthed)
Snape: Yes. Get up.
Draco: Help me (stretches out hand weakly)
Snape: (waves wand in exasperation - Draco is suddenly flung upwards - lands miraculously on his feet, stumbles a bit for balance)
Draco: HEY-
BigBrother: NO USING MAGIC, PROFESSOR SNAPE--
Cut to kitchen:
Voldemort(conversationally): Ah, I suppose Severus has had to revive him.. poor weak creature.
Black(sipping water): er.. hah, these Malfoys - made of weaker stuff than the Blacks.
Voldemort(raises eyebrow): Perhaps in this most recent generation.....
(they glare across the table at each other; enter Lupin, whistling some innocuous tune)
Lupin: Sirius, you're awake finally!
Black(toasts with glass): So I am! And I shall remain awake and well throughout the rest of the day! What are you cooking for dinner?
Lupin: ah, maybe I'll let Severus cook..
Voldemort: He seems to be making some sort of baked good. Or at least he was when he left-
(Enter Snape with Draco)
Draco: wateeerrrr! (runs to get glass)
Snape: I leave for five minutes and the kitchen turns into a zoo....
Black: Ohh you - if you could turn into an animal yourself, you wouldn't be so grumpy about it all the time.
Snape(sneer): I believe in mastering one state of existence at a time -- or perhaps you find the dog's life more at your own level??
Lupin: Can we not fight? PLEASE?
Voldemort: YOU have an awful lot to say about it-
Draco: (hand to head) headache -- headache--- no yelling - shhh!
BigBrother: ATTENTION HOUSEMATES-
Draco: shh!
BigBrother: No, this is not an eviction notice - it is merely an announcement stating the completion of the week-long punishment for Mr. Black and Mr. Malfoy.
Black: HAH!!!
Snape: that was early....(goes to counter, throws cake batter down sink drain)
Lupin: Hey -
Draco: mmmm cake batter (tries to capture some of it on his finger)
Black: While our graciuos heads of household are over the announcement- (frowns for word) Intercom device, may I humbly request a bit of policy information???
BigBrother: What do you want?
Black: Why are Draco and I punished for talking when SNIVELLUS here can get away with using illegal magic ??!
BigBrother: Professor Snape, consider yourself Severly Reprimanded for using magic against our ordination.
Snape: I am severly sorry as well.
BigBrother: Good. That is all
Black: WHAT!
Snape: What would it be this week, Black - not peanut butter and jelly... maybe grilled cheese sandwiches??
Draco: Nooooooo (buries head in hands, sobs)
Voldemort(amused): I think young Draco is exhibiting some manifestations of post-shock disorder - or whatever it is these muggles call it.
Draco: .... no.. cheese.....
Lupin: I think... the senior member of the household should cook tonight, actually.
Snape(immediately): I concur.
Voldemort: PLOTTING!
Black: Actually, yes.. I'm beginning to think he's incapable of cooking!
Draco: ... cheese....
Voldemort(sweeps over to Draco, who is still at counter): There, there, my child.. There will be no cheese in anything I cook tonight.
Draco: (sniffles; looks up) Fine... Agh, this is so very undignified.. although I'm sure my fans appreciate my heroic suffering.
Voldemort: (rolls eyes) Yes.
Mid Afternoon-
Lupin: 51.
Black: You always have aces.
Lupin: I'm not complaining.
Snape: 55.
Black: 5-.... er... (squints eyes at hand of cards)... 5-.. 7?
Lupin: Are you asking me?
Black: Aw, let's go for it: 58!
Draco(bored): 75.
Lupin: It's funny, I always have aces and we never get the bid!
Black: I HAVENT PASSED YET.
Lupin: PASS.
Snape: Pass.
Black(makes a show of looking at his cards): er... pass..
Draco: Yes, I thought so. I call Hearts trump.
Lupin: can we quit now?
Snape: You two should not have even begun. You are terrible at pinochle.
Black(smoldering anger): That... That's not true!
Draco: Go...
Three hours later; they're still playing cards around the coffee table.
Draco: I'm hungry.... is he done cooking yet??
Lupin: Don't rush the cook.
Black: "rush the cook"! He's trying to upset my counting, that's what he's doing.
Draco(incredulous haughty tone): You count?
Snape: Well said, Draco.
Black: I DO count. It's not impossible.
Lupin: Oh, no problem at all. only 80 cards in the deck!
Snape: Stop counting and play one of them.
Black: heh - is it my turn again already?
Snape: Yes...
(Voldemort appears in the doorway, apron on)
Voldemort: Children, dinner's ready!
Lupin: let's see what culinary masterpiece he's prepared..
Black: Probably something with poison as a side dish.
(they go into kitchen, and are surprised to see the kitchen table set - with a large stack of pancakes on the middle plate.. silence)
Draco:....... PANCAKES?? You cooked PANCAKES??
Voldemort(bringing over a serving bowl from stove): And I found a can of asparagas too.
Snape: .... pancakes and canned asparagas?
Voldemort: I don't want to hear it from you, Severus. You're on my To-Watch List. Besides, you will note the glasses of apple juice on the table as well.
Black(inspecting bottle on table): Is this maple syrup....? OR POISON?
Voldemort: I can't take responsibility for that - it was in the pantry.
Draco: It should be fine.
Black: I'd like to propose a toast then to REAL FOOD!
Snape: .... (glance to Lupin)
Lupin: Yeah.. I'm not sure I'd call this "Real Food," Sirius-
Black: ITS NOT PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY! (downs glass of juice in one swig)
Draco: hear, hear!
Lupin: We're almost like a functional household tonight. I'll drink to that..