Zac sat in his wheelchair, staring at the bath, running his hands through the now tepid water, which he'd just been sitting in. He glanced at his legs quickly, frowning at the limpness of them. It was getting easier to get dressed and bathe by himself, but he still hated doing it. It just took so long, and it was so hard when he remembered what his life used to be like. He wheeled over to the door and opened it and manoeuvred his way out. Walker was waiting for him.
"Good bath?" he asked, smiling encouragingly at his son.
"Yeah, was ok," Zac replied curtly.
Walker smiled again and took control of the wheelchair and pushed him into the dining room, where the rest of the family was.
"We thought it would be nice if you ate with us tonight," Walker told him, in a tone that meant 'You're staying here, like it or not.'
Zac accepted his dinner, and began to eat alongside his family.
"So, Zac, we were thinking of going and renting a movie, you have any choices?" Isaac asked his younger brother.
"Yeah, and we might get some food, anything you want?" Taylor chimed in.
Zac took a deep breath. "Guys, you don't have to be so polite. You never used to ask me… well, anything… so stop doing it now."
"We just thought you might like - " Taylor began.
"Well don't think, Taylor, it just doesn't work for you," Zac replied, starting to get irritated.
"Zac!" Diana exclaimed, and he fell silent, sulkily poking at his meal.
"Mom, can Ike and I take the car? You know, so I can practice… I haven't driven in ages, not since - " Taylor stopped mid sentence, aware of what he just said.
Zac looked up at Taylor, a look of resentment creeping into his eyes. "Not since when, Tay?" he asked, knowing the answer.
"Zac, man, I'm sorry, I just meant… I didn't think... I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have…"
"Since that night?" Zac said, struggling to keep his voice even.
"Zac, stop it," Walker admonished.
"Oh I forgot… it's too much for you guys to hear, isn't it?"
"Zac…" Walker warned, his voice deadly calm.
"No! You can't stand to hear that Taylor was the one who did this to me! Christ, why the hell did I have to pay for Taylor's stupidity?!"
A gasp from the other end of the table made him stop. Taylor was staring at him, tears falling from his eyes.
"That's enough, Zachary!" Walker bellowed.
But Zac was on a roll, and he began again, while wiping away his own tears.
"You were all there that night, so why is it that I was the one who was punished for it? Why am I stuck in this thing, unable to do anything without help! I am so sick and tired of you all walking on freaking eggshells around me… I know that I'm pathetic… I know that I can't do anything, but you all never stopped to think whose fault it was!"
Diana had made her way over to him by this point and she slapped him hard.
"Zachary Walker Hanson, I love you more than I have ever loved anything in my whole life. My love for all of my children is equal, and may the Lord's wrath fall upon me if I am not telling the truth, but I am not going to let you talk about your brother in that way!"
Zac angrily wheeled himself away from the table, and into the den, where Isaac, Taylor, Walker and Diana followed him.
* * *
Taylor hastily followed his brother, still hurting from what he'd said, but at the same time, realising that Zac had just vocalised everything he, himself, had thought over the past month.
Zac had wheeled himself to the window and he turned around so he could begin his next verbal assault.
Taylor stepped forward as though to say something, but shrank back under Zac's sharp look.
"Zac, what happened was an accident, ok? You know that! And as for our behaviour after it… we didn't know how to handle the situation…" Walker began sternly.
"That's not my fault. You all acted the way you feel, and if you all feel guilty, that's not my fault," Zac said indifferently.
"Who said we felt guilty? Is that how you think we should feel?" Walker replied in a tone that matched Zac's.
"That's… that's not what I meant." Zac's defences were crumbling fast. This was the very reason he'd avoided talking to anyone. He was strong as long as they didn't make him talk. Make him think.
"Then what did you mean? Zac, can't you see what you're doing to our family? I want you to apologise to your brother," Walker said.
"I can't…" Zac replied.
Walker moved to the couch and motioned for Zac to join him, and incredible sadness washed over him when he realised, not for the first time, that Zac couldn't walk.
"Why not? What happened?" Walker choked back the sob that was rising in his throat, and Diana joined him on the couch, facing Zac, crying freely. Isaac and Taylor remained by the door, Taylor almost hiding behind his older brother.
Zac stayed quiet.
"No, I'm not going to let you shut me out, Zachary," Walker cried out.
Zac wheeled himself closer to his parents and for the first time, allowed his parents to see the pain in his eyes, the pain he carried around daily.
"You don't know what this is like!" he sobbed, "I wake up everyday with the knowledge that I can't do anything, but with memories of being able… of being normal. It's not my fault that I'm like this! I wasn't driving the stupid car that night, he was! Taylor was fighting with mom, and Mack was crying and I was just trying to calm them down! And then he lost control of the stupid thing, not me! So why is it, that you all walked away untouched, and I ended up like this?! Tell me, dad, tell me!" Zac screamed into the night. Walker fell silent, unable to answer.
"And then you all left me! Left me all alone, you heard when I called for you, but you all stayed away! I wanted my family, and I took the solitude for the longest time. I took the pain and the hurt for the longest time, but no one cared enough." Zac's expression changed from angry to hurt.
"We were scared, Zac," Walker replied quietly.
"Of what? Hurting me more?" Zac let out a bitter laugh, and turned to Isaac and Taylor, who were still by the door. "You hurt me more by leaving me alone! Face it, you all want the other Zac… the one who died that night. But he's not here anymore, because you killed him!"
Diana stood and slapped her son again, hard enough to draw blood.
"Zac, I meant it when I said that I love you, but don't you ever talk to me, your father or your brothers like that again!"
"What do you want me to do? Pretend that everything is ok? You can't expect me to just get over this… I hate you all!" Zac tried to get up, for a second forgetting he couldn't, and fell forward, hitting his head on the side of the couch. Feeling the blood drip down the side of his face, he sensed the darkness coming to engulf him and surrendered to it.
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