Don't Ya Love Life?
	Various Thoughts 1 Archives After Four Years
							I don't know what it is, but I really do not hold myself with high regard.  I really do have self-confidence issues, but I have also determined to try and not let such issues become apparent to my friends and people I am in contact with a regular basis.  I also think this is also part of the reason I go through deep bouts of depression.  Though because I hate being pittied, I do not share what I feel with my friends.  It might help if I did, but I think of it as a weakness, and I always want to present the "stable personality" if there is such a thing.  There are a handful of people that know of my duality, but everyone that I have exposed it to have been people I have met over the internet...  basically a faceless name that I can talk to, and also if I feel pity from them start to pour on, I can always go offline.      I'll probably have some kind of breakdown sometime in the future, and everyone will try and "help", but really...  what can they do??      To be totally honest, a good portion of my depression comes from being alone... yes, I am surrounded by friends, but never more alone in my life.  I am not a really hard guy to please...  all I am really asking for is a little companionship with a girl who will be my best friend as well as the girlfriend.  Since I hold this view, I do not make moves on total strangers or people I don't know well.  I have to be a friend with someone first, then take the next step, because if we can't connect on a pure friendship level, then basically the entire relationship will be based on sex, and I have already made that mistake once.      Maybe that one experience ruined sex for me, because most of the time I would rather have someone to put my arm around, use me as a pillow, give the scalp and foot massage to (yes I said scalp, women go nuts over it, been a hot topic between the women at work for over a week) But with my "nice guy" approach, I believe I am doomed beating my meat at home with no company whatsoever...
								Yay Me!