Blog entries from May 7 – June 5, 2002
Blog entries from June 6 - July 19, 2002
Blog entries from July 30 - September 8, 2002
Blog entries from September 8 to October 23, 2002
Blog entries from October 27, 2002 to March 14Blog entries from March 31to July 19, 2003
November 10, 2003 Dear Blog,
Love, October 26, 2003 Dear Blog,
meh.
meh.
There are no other words to describe the state of dispair I am in. Although it did make me feel better when the gay guy said he'd fuck me. But that's another story for another time and place. Je pense qu'il est l'heure d'aller dormir. Et toi, Pierre, tu sais que tu es mon seulement amour. Et, je suis heureuse que je sais maintenant de ton chose que tu aimes. And that's enough of me butchering french. Too bad no one will read this for a while. Ah, c'est la belle vie. It is now 4:05 am. I suck. Let me crawl into a corner and evaporate. And I wonder as I write this why I do. Since I just had an amazing discussion about everything from fetishes to hot girls to the fall of the United States' power to owning an island a mile in circumference that became part of the US. What would you do with your space? I'd make a sex lodge. But that's just me. Ok, for reals now I'm going to bed. Let me scrape off all my laudry from my covers and everything will be just great. Goodnight my only friend that ever reads this.
Love, October 17, 2003 Dear Blog,
Midterms are finished, and I am incredibly relieved. I managed to get B's on all of them, and in my Immigrant America class I can get 10 extra credit points which will bring that up to an A =). Actually, that class has surprised me a lot. I thought I would be getting a C in it (since my debate outline grade was a low C), but I got a 95% on my first paper and now I'll have an A on my midterm...so I think I don't have to worry as much as I thought I would have to. French on the other hand...is better left unmentioned.
French Horn: Oh, that wonderful fabulous instrument that I play. I am having such a great time! My teacher in a horn god, and the other horn players are amazing. One of the grad students here just got a position in the Santa Barbra Symphony..we're all excited for her. My favorite horn playing experience here so far is playing in the horn quartet. Kipp, Alex, and Jackie are the other horn players in the quartet and they're a lot of fun to play with. Right now we're learning an arrangement of Handel's Messiah. Amazing. I'm in horn heaven.
Last, but certainly not least, Pierre. What would I do without him? He has kept me sane throughout these past two months. ::big hugs:: to him. Thank you mon chou!
Love, September 18, 2003 Dear Blog,
Love, September 15, 2003 Dear Blog,
Laura
September 14, 2003 Dear Blog, September 8, 2003 Dear Blog, September 8, 2003 Dear Blog, September 8, 2003 Dear Blog,
Love, September 1, 2003
Meh meh meh...I've been in a pissy mood all weekend. What's up with me? I know it's not feminine issues 'cause that's already been done...je ne sais pas. I feel like everything, and I mean everything, is up in the air. I can just see everything floating around me...in some kind of weird parallel universe or something. One day I hope I understand everything that I'm trying to figure out right now. I don't know exactly what I want to do (although when I was talking to Pierre's uncle it all seemed so clear to me what I needed to do), I don't know how everything's going to work out...I feel like I just don't know anything. I go through my life and act like I've got it figured out: I go to class and usually do pretty well, I go to work and do my job, I come home and make dinner and talk with all my roommates and friends and practice and do my homework, I hang out with Pierre...yet I still feel like I'm missing some very important thing...I feel like if I find out what that is I can make everything make sense to me, things will start to become more grounded...I might be able to make more money or something will happen...some kind of revelation will be made. I know I"m talking out of my ass right now..but I just need to figure out where my life is going, what am I doing with it? I don't want to waste it being a nobody and I don't want to waste it working hard and never having fun. I do have fun...but pretty soon it'll be different, well, now it's different 'cause all the financial responsibilities are mine...I"m starting to dislike one of my roommates...not too much, but it'll be hard sometimes to live with her I can tell. I feel helpless, yet entirely empowered right now...that makes no sense, but it does to me....arg...cannot deal with this shit right now. bah. meh. feh. Just keep working hard...it'd better fucking pay off.
August 28, 2003
Love, August 17, 2003
Laura
August 15, 2003
So, for the past 2 weeks I've been getting ready for school, shopping, getting all doctor's visits out of the way, fixing any financial aid problems...etc. I emailed my roomates and they all seem really nice, I can't wait to meet them in 4 days = ). Anyways, I'll be writing to you soon from USC = ) Adios!
Love, July 20, 2003
So, my next plan for the summer after I get back from Quebec is to set up some kind of eating plan..’cause i’m getting way too pudgy. I think it has something to do with the lack of extended exercise (basically I sit at home and read or go on the computer and maybe go outside to tan or jump off the diving board...) I did try to swim a set today, but my bikini top kept falling off so I decided that I’d just stop and wait til night to put on my one piece and really swim. Actually, I know I won’t do that...so I’m saying that when I get back from Quebec I’ll have to start and eating plan and mix that with the aerobics of marching band and possibly get a trainer for the gym at USC and get into shape again. That would be nice. I think I’d just like to lose Hmm...30 pounds. yes 30...and make each thigh 5 inches smaller...and my stomach at least 7 inches smaller = ) Naw, that’s not asking too much ;) Then I’ll be happy. Yup yup...as long as I don’t freak out at any point. lol...right...so changing subject to something not so depressing.
5 days until I leave for Quebec. Pierre’s brother was so cute when he asked me what I think Quebec will look like...awww...but as I told Pierre I imagine a town similar to the one in Beauty and the Beast...I wonder what it will be like to have everything in French. I wish I was a better speaker...because then I could communicate better with everyone there and Pierre wouldn’t have to translate so much for me. Oh well, there’s nothing I can do about that except to continue taking french in college (yay! I’m in french II). I can’t wait to try poutine (although I’ve built it up to this amazing thing that I have big expectations...and I have a feeling it will just be chili cheese fries with some foreign kind of cheese...oh well) and I really want to meet Pierre’s friends...lol, so I can ask what kind of embarrassing things pierre did when he was younger (just kidding Pierre!!). Arg...I want my panda necklace back. Now.
So long farewell,
Laura
July 20, 2003
Do I look like Michelle Branch? Some people who are more pop culture educated say I do....::shrugs:: You tell me.
Over and out,
July 20, 2003 Dear Blog,
Love,
Sometimes we get too caught up in our life and forget what's out there. I just had what has got to be one of the best spent hours of my whole time in college. What was I doing? Swimming in the bright blue pool....I'd forgotten how good it feels to swim and forget about all my other problems and just focus on breathing and feeling of the water and sun against my skin. I could forget about my work, my frustrations, my anxieties....it all went away. Ah, and I now smell like chlorine...what a wonderful day =).
Laura
It is currently 3:49 am. Why am I still awake? I don't really know. I could blame it on Ian or Grant, but really it's my fault. I drank too much coffee today and I am paying for it right now. Those damn coffee filters that don't fit into my coffeemaker...arggggg (makes some sort of sleepy pirate noise). I also realize that I have a french quiz tomorrow as well as 5 pages of Aural Skills. On Tuesday I have a debate to give (shit!!!), an extra credit paper, and Hmm...a week to write my rough draft for my 10 page paper. Nice. Why did I go shopping with Grant and Kate today instead of staying home and studying like the good student I strive to be? I should then ask myself again...why the fuck am I still awake? Will I work as soon as I wake up? No. I will go and talk to Kate and Heather. Should I? No. I should work on my paper and other inane homework. Should I have stayed up until 2 am almost every night this week talking to Ian or playing video games? No. Do I have a problem? YES. I am a failure at everything. My diet in it's week of glory failed miserably. My bank account is quickly vaporizing into nothingness. I don't study. I need to practice my ass off and get good....imagine, Laura, what you could be if you didn't have a social life. Imagine the possibilities...heck, you might even get out of your cave of a room more. You might do things with other people if you weren't so fucking obsessed with missing out on something and feeling left out. Ugh, and I"m such a mess...what happened to me? My room looks like shit, my desk has no place to write, I can't call anyone. How will anything ever work out. I need to lock myself in here tomorrow and only emerge to see Pierre...because if I don't see him now, I won't see him again until Friday...but then I won't really be able to see him 'cause we'll all be hanging out with the Bessons and we will all once again resume our battle of "who is smarter"...then Saturday I'm either going to Pierre's Hapkido test or to a water polo game or both...and then Sunday I have to write my FUCKING PAPER!!! DAMN ALL HOMEWORK THAT I HATE. Meh.
Laura
It sure has been a long time since I've updated. Many things have been happening around here in my small little life =) I got too see Eva the other weekend, which was great since I hadn't seen her in about a month. We explored Hollywood Blvd. together with her friend from UCI.It was much fun. = ) I really miss her, and all my friends (especially Anya and Casey and Eva and Jacob!!). However, I am managing to make a few more here. My roomies are great, currently Kate and I are on a sewing spree, scouring Downtown LA for fabric stores. We found the coolest little "village" close to our apartment...it's called Larchemont Village and it's right next to Koreatown . Larchemont reminds me a lot of Montana Ave. in Santa Monica: there are little boutiques and cafes and what look like great restaurants. The people that live there yuppies that are mostly between the ages of 25-50. All their kids are running around in the Jamba Juices looking like mini-Brittany Spears or Christina Aguilera's. Crazy...
Laura
Well, here I am again, feeling lonely....All of my best friends are moving away or have already moved and I feel like I didn't even spend any time with them this whole summer. When I did get the chance to be with them I was all bitter because there were always all these new people around who got to spend all of their time with them and they all had all their new jokes and I wasn't part of any of that. Now, I managed to get sick right when Eva and Anya are leaving...so I didn't get to really say goodbye to them. Now that I think about it, the only person I got to say bye to was Casey and I'm really glad I got to do that, because if I didn't say goodbye to any of my best friends then I'd prolly be a lot sadder than I am now. But it's not just about the saying goodbye...I don't feel like I've been a part of anyone's life in the past couple of months. Sure, people have talked to me and called me and I hung out a little bit, but overall I wasn't part of the group. After all, I didn't even know Eva had a boyfriend for a while nor about Yatta (not that I'm so much better off knowing about that stupid show) and there are probably a million other things that I missed out on. I'd bet if someone looked through the pictures from this summer, you would never know that I even existed. Then the past few weeks, well, I even feel awkward around my roommates and neighbors since I'm the one that's never home...so of course I don't know the inside jokes from there. I guess I just don't feel like I belong anywhere right now. Don't get me wrong...I love all my friends and I love my school and there isn't anywhere else I'd wish to be...I just don't feel like I fit in yet....there isn't really anyone there that I can trust or count on, there isn't an Eva or Anya or Casey at USC yet...and I'm not sure if I'll ever find one. Maybe it would've been easier to just let go of everything and have moved far away where I didn't know anyone rather than trying to keep everything together in a sort of semblance of the past. But no....everything will be ok.
Laura
Arg!!!!!!!!!!!! NO wwwway! I go to college and what do I get? Chicken Pox!! it's itchy and scratchy and I look like someone with a funky untreatable disease from a third-world country. Yuck...I feel gross...I just want to go to class. But I can't even write a sentence without scratching my scalp. Meh. I should be living in a big plastic bubble right now.
Has there ever been a person, where just hearing their name can put you in a bad mood? But the thing is, is you're the only person that doesn't like them...so you can't really say anything about it...but every little thing that they do just pisses you off. Well, there's someone like that for me...and just hearing her name sends me over the edge...after I hear it I don't want to talk to whoever it is I'm talking to and I just get pissed off. I can't stand her and I'm the only one. Everyone else thinks she's so damn cute and so great and so smart...arg...I hate her. BUt of course if I say anything I'm just a bitch...and maybe I am. I just want her to disappear. I guess in the end it's my fault that everyone knows and likes her...but whatever. Whatever whatever whatever. Arg.....i want to throw something.
10:49pm
How quickly my mood can change...I wrote Ms. Woo an email earlier today and she wrote back...it made me feel so good =) I miss being in her band...she's such a wonderful person....she's the main reason why I'm a music major. Aww, I should visit her.
10:30 pm
Arg...I need something to do...besides my reading and cooking...I'm making my food for tomorrow so I won't be as tempted to make myself something unhealthy. Even when I go to the gym I don't feel like anything's happening. I feel like I"m going to stay fat forever. After all, even when I was working out everyday for water polo and swim team I was still fat...what's up with that? Meh. No sugar, no carbs, no meat. I'll just eat celery and drink water. Then I"ll lose weight. Fuck, how did I ever end up like this? Why can't I be normal?
8:30pm
College: Love it or hate it? yes, I love it...but there are some things that I hate. Maybe I'm just not used to change, or just don't like it when it happens. The thing that I dislike the most is the fact that I have no idea what lies ahead of me. Every year up to last year I knew exactly what to expect. Sure, there was the mysterious teacher or two, but other than that everything was pretty much mapped out. You had the same friends, the same lunch spot, your family, your extra-curricular activities, and of course the promanade or the beach. Now those things (except maybe your family) are all up in the air. I keep in touch with my high school friends, but it's not the same as when we were together all the time...we're going to change. For me my lunch spot is different everyday, depending on classes and whether I have someone to eat lunch with...it's hard to find someone to eat lunch with if you don't know a great deal of people. My family is still pretty much the same, but again I feel like I have a different relationship with them, they're treating me like an adult...which is good, but at the same time a little awkward. Oh and about all that, I'm starting to realize how much I had in high school...even when I complained about not getting to go shopping all the time or things like that, I was really spoiled. I see now how hard it is for my dad to pay for everything b/c I now have to pay for pretty much everything. You can't understand that until it's your money and your own budget. Extra-curricular activities? Hmm...does learning how to drink tequila shots count? I'm just kidding...kinda. I guess you can say my extra-curricular activities are my major now...except for water polo, that has been substituted by the gym. The promanade and the beach...I'm lucky and that all hasn't entirely changed for me, but that's only because I'm still going out with Pierre and that Eva and Anya still live here (but not for long :( ) But ya, the only thing that has remained somewhat constant is the fact that I'm still going out with Pierre...and I'm glad, because he really helps me stay sane when I would normally freak out (although I sometimes become more neurotic about it because unfortunately I can get insanely jealous which I think is a horrible trait but I can't help it...stupid imagination). So I guess right now the things that I do when my brain gets out of control is I either sleep, practice my horn, or workout...generally in that order. Oh and if I get especially angsty I usually write here, that's why you'll always hear about the bad things in my life instead of the good things. Sorry. So, to compensate for the page of complaining: I got an A on my french compostition. yes :) I am on my way towards straight As...even though no one thinks I'll ever be able to do it. Anyways...before I work myself up again I think I will call it a night and say au revoir!
Laura
Dear Blog,
I love college, but I gotta say, I hate shopping with people who have no concept of money. I really don't think my roommates understand that my parents aren't paying for practically anything. I'm freaking out 'cause I have less than $100 in my bank account and I make hardly anything at work and I have rent due pretty soon..and shit I have books to buy and I want to go to the football games..lol, I guess that won't be happenning. I'm having such a great time at college...but I just feel horrible right now 'cause I don't have the cash to pay for everything. I wish I could just not worry about it and have everything be ok. I wish I didn't have to talk about all this or burden everyone else because I can't afford to go out or anything...my life would be so much easier and simpler if I just had more money. I"m not saying it would make me happy...it would just make me less stressed and would give me more time to study and better resources. I'm so scared that I won't have enough to go to school next year. I guess in a way it makes me appreciate everything more...ya...I'll just say that.
Dear Blog,
Yay! I'm in school....this week has been amazing, college rules. Well, it's late (12:46am) and I have a class tomorrow morning at 8am...so goodnight! I miss all my friends...I'm wishing the best of luck at school...and big huge hugs!!
Laura
Dear Blog,
MEH. Why does she have to always do this? I can't stand it at all...everything was going so well, then she had to fuck it up as usual. She ruins every day that's supposed to be special...like graduation...yup, she told me she didn't want to be there 'cause she was mad at me and then she was too tired to go out to dinner with me. Now I'm spending too much money and she can't take it that I am doing more things and having more fun than she did when she was my age. I know this for a fact 'cause she gets so mad at me everytime I do anything with my friends...and she holds it against me for days. Now that I'm off to the college I really want to go to she's been even worse. She's making my dad feel horrible and blaming it on me....WTF! ugh, 2 more days, 2 more days...I can't wait to be gone.
Dear Blog,
Hello!!! It's been such a long time since I updated...and so many things have happened!! First of all, Quebec was a blast = ) I absolutely loved it there...and I think after a few semesters of college french, I'll like it even more because I'll be able to talk to people and understand what's going on a little better than I did. Pierre has the most adorable family (except for that "test" incident....which sorta scared me) and his country house, oh ::gasp:: what a sight! All you can see from his house are fields and mountains, a waterfall, and the most amazing night sky I've seen in a long time. The house itself is about 300 years old, and it feels that way...but not in a bad way, in a really comfortable and creaky floorboards way. In other words, the place is great, and I had so much fun shooting off rockets and biking and hiking and rafting and eating and drinking and playing super mario bros. it was wonderful. I tried poutine!! Mmmm....there's nothing like it. Fries, special Quebecquois cheese (that's kinda like fresh mozzarella), and hot chicken gravy sauce (and sometimes sausages). It's so yummy...and I prolly gained about 5 pounds from it but I don't care! It was so worth it! I also got to meet his whole family and almost all of his friends. His friends were...interesting. I really liked talking to François, Maxim, Jean-Daniel, Sophie, and Marie-Eve (basically the only ppl that knew english). I'll never forget walking on the promenade next to the Chateau Fontnac and laying on the grass next to the Citadel, nor will I forget that long (3 hours!) walk with Maxim Tardif (look out for him you football fans). Don't order a tequila sunrise and don't be scared to order a pina colada (two things I learned at the bar and restaurant). So ya...thank you so much Pierre and his family!! = )
Laura
Dear Blog,
Hmm..I had a very strange, yet comforting dream last night...made me think that I’ve been thinking too much about the french horn. I dreamt that I met Barry Tuckwell (for all of you who haven’t heard my rants and raves about this man...to me, he’s a god. He’s my idol...if I could play anywhere near as well as he can play I would be extremely happy)...but I met him at some kind of SAMOHI event, so all of my friends were there. I remember my mom telling me that he was there and I looked over and sure enough he was. I was nervous – not quite sure I should bother him but I figured that this was a once in a lifetime opportunity, so I walked over and told him how amazing I thought he was, and in a way, he helped me learn how to play the horn. He was so happy to hear this, he started crying...but seemed a little scared to hear that “he” had taught me to play (through his records..it’s hard to explain). However, he autographed a napkin that I had and then came over to meet my parents. There’s a lot more that happened..and I keep imagining his face and just wanting him to play the horn...’cause he’s so amazing...his tone is perfect. I want to know the secret to his virtuosity. I don’t really remember the rest, hopefully I got a lesson out of him (‘cause if I didn’t that was stupid of me) .. so, ya...in the next few years I’ll have to try and get myself to be my own personal Barry Tuckwell/Denis Brain/ Franz Strauss/just all around amazing french horn player. oh yeah...and the other reason why I feel that I’ve been thinking about french horn so much is because this is the second dream in the past 2 days that has been about playing...I guess I’m just nervous about school. ::shrugs:: LOL, Pierre, at least I didn’t say, “contente de vous rencontre” ;) so I haven’t been annoying everyone with that yet ;)
Dear Blog,
Hey, Melody and Jessica just left....::tear:: But, I'll probably be seeing them on Thursday so it's all good = ) Hmm...I can feel the brownie ice cream cake I just had oozing out of my pores and turning the sugar into fat globules...what a nice thought, eh? Oh right!! guess what...I leave for Quebec in exactly a week = ) How exciting!!! Je suis heureuse. je ne peux pas attendre (ou est-ce que j'attends avec plaisir?)...je ne sais pas. All I know is that I'm très excited to be going. 
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Laura
Yay!! Melody and Jessica are coming over today! Teehee. ::runs to jump in the pool and play with the new pool toys parents are getting:: Well, talk to you all later!
Laura