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| Kiriana 30/09/89 - 25/07/05 Always in my heart |
| September 2002: Kiri was sitting on my lap, and I was stroking her tummy when I felt a small lump. On closer inspection, it was tiny, the size of a grain if rice, but it was there. That was a Sunday, and we were at the vet the following Friday. I was told not to worry about it. I had fasted Kiri with the plan to having it removed that day. I was made to feel guilty for wanting to put an almost 13 year old cat through "needless surgery". The vet said "it didn't feel like anything" I learnt my first big lesson that day - never trust what anything FEELS like. They said to give it 3 months, and if it was still there to have it removed then. Of course I didn't know then, what I know now. Friday 13th Dec 2002: The had grown slightly, so I had scheduled her surgery. They said to ring at 12 to see how she was, when I rang, the vet nurse told me the vet wanted to speak to me, and my heart sank. Kiriana had what looked like mammary cancer, they had removed the entire mammary gland but she had come through surgery well and could come home later that day. My girl had a large 10cm scar across her abdomen, so I stayed home with her for the next 4 days, and she recovered well. There was still hope until the official results came back. Wednesday the vet called and confirmed it was cancer - and as my world crumbled I asked what we do next. It wasn't an answer I was expecting..."nothing" Nothing? Kiri had cancer, and I was going to do nothing? That just couldn't be right. I was told that chemotherapy wasn't an option for this type of cancer. I hung up the phone, still in shock, and got on-line. The news was bad, mammary cancer is highly malignant, metastasizes early, and there is limited success with chemotherapy. But they DID do chemo routinely, and I knew I at least wanted to try. Doing nothing was not an option. I found a specialist at The University of Melbourne Vet clinic and made an appointment, the earliest we could get was Dec 23rd. I was devastated at the thought of losing my girl, I had taken the month off work so I could stay home with Kiri but most of that time is a blur of tears and fear. Mon 23rd Dec 2002: We met Linda, who was to become not only our vet, but a friend as well. She told us that with chemotherapy, Kiri might survive the next year if we were lucky. There wasn't much choice for me, Christmas Eve 2002: We went back for Kiri's first chemo treatment. Linda was fully booked, but stayed behind on Christmas Eve until almost 8pm. It was the start of the rollercoaster of cancer. The hope and progress, and the disappointments. Jan - Feb 2003: Most cats tolerate chemo very well, Kiri was one of the few that didn't. She was nauseated and vomited at times. It was rough for both of us, but she remained her sweet and loving self, so I didn't feel it was "too much" In Feb her x-ray showed that the cancer had spread to her lung, just one small spot, but that was enough to be a major concern. She had completed her first course of chemo, and now needed a second one with a different drug. At first I was hesitant, but then decided to procced, luckily Kiri sailed through the 3 doses of this chemo with almost no side effects at all. Kiri had stopped eating during her first chemo, Her weight had dropped from 5.5 kg to 3.5 kg. She looked so thin. I desperately tried every food imaginable, but with no luck. So I decided to syringe feed her, hoping that her appetite would "kick in". It was a trial for both of us at first. Then I found the yahoo assisted feeding group and found out that I wasn't alone. They were a great help and support. There was no medical reason for Kiri's refusal to eat, but it persisted, and she remained entirely syringe fed by me 4 x/day for almost 3 years. Within 3 months her weight was back to 5.5kg and stayed there. May 2003: Kiri's lung tumour was slightly bigger, so she had another cycle of chemo, 3 doses over 12 weeks. Again, she had very minimal side effects. Although at the time we didn't know, but this round of chemo put her into remission for the next 18 months. We saw the Linda every month, then 2, then 3. Kiri stayed in what they call 'stable disease' The lung tumor was there, but not growing. She was fit, happy and enjoying life. Purring, playing, cuddling. If you didn't know, you'd never guess there was anything wrong with her at all. I still had the hope, that ultimately we would beat this disease. |
| Nov 2004: A routine chest x-ray showed the lung tumour was growing. I had spent so long expecting this and it hadn't happened. I had finally stopped thinking it was going to happen when it did. More chemo, but the tumour continued to grow, it was probably now resistant to this drug. Kiri was still so normal and well in herself, engaged in and enjoying life, it was hard not to look for other options. Feb - May 2005: There was a newer cancer drug on the market, and there was limited research on it's use in cats. But it seemed to be useful in treating secondary lung cancers. So we decided to try. Thankfully, again, Kiri had no side effects at all. While she sailed through her treatments, it became clear that this drug wasn't going to be the miracle I was so desperately hoping for. But while the tumour in her lung got slowly bigger, she was still totally symptom free. I had promised her at the start of this journey that I would do my best, but that when the time came, and she was no longer able to enjoy her life, that I would be strong for her, and do what I needed to. July 2005: Kiri seemed more tired, she slept a lot. I kept reminding myself that was was almost 16 and this was fairly normal. She coughed occassionally, but the chest x-ray showed there was no fluid in or around her lungs, and there was just the single tumour. She still loved to cuddle at night, and would sleep next to me with her little head on the pillow and purr and purr. Sat 23rd July 2005: Kiri went into the bathroom, probably to use the litterbox. She started to vomit, and at the same time peed on the floor. She looked a bit strange for a few minutes. I cleaned her up, and told her not to worry about it. I watched her carefully and although my mind was racing with possibilities, apart from being sleepy, she seemed to be otherwise OK. That night I held her close, and the tears dropped softly into her fur. Sun 24th July: I was up late doing a project on the computer for a friend. Kiri was in her usual spot on the chair next to me (on a sheepskin and a pillow) She suddenly looked up and vomited, then had a small seizure, losing control of her bladder again. I knew then that it was also a seizure that she'd had the previous night, but it just wasn't as clear as this one. I had to accept right then and there that she was now a sick little girl. I gently cleaned her and put her to bed, I lay next to her awake, while she purred. Her breathing was rapid and shallow. I tried to stay outwardly calm for her sake, but inside my heart had started to break, and panic had set in. It was 4 am. Monday 25th July 2005: At 8am, I rang Linda, and told her what was happening, and asked if I could bring Kiri in. I was close to losing it when I rang in sick to work. I was still hoping it was something treatable, maybe an electrolyte imbalance. Kiri was very calm and slept on the way to the clinic. Linda saw her, and agreed she wasn't her usual self. I opted for some blood tests and a chest x-ray to see what was happening. All of her blood results were unstable, and her x-ray showed the the tumour had spread, rapidly. New growths were present in the other lung, there was a small amount of fluid in her lungs, and some areas (effusions) surrounding them. Linda said they could try to drain the fluid, and keep her in hospital and try to stabilize her electrolytes. Kiri was lying on the examination table, she looked so tired, her breathing was still rapid. I knew that the seizures meant it was likely the cancer had spread to her brain. Every fibre in me wanted to say "do whatever you can" But I knew that would be wrong, and selfish, that I would be doing it for me, and not what was now right for her. I decided that after all she had given me, now was the time for me to repay her. I needed to be strong and do what I had promised - and that was to never let her struggle. Linda put the IV in Kiri's front leg. I was a clear sunny day, and I took her outside, and sat on the bench in the sun, the birds were singing. It was there I said my good byes. I told her how much I loved her, and what a good, sweet girl she had always been. That I would miss so very much, I asked her to forgive me if I had made any mistakes along the way, but that I had always done my best. I asked her to understand what I was about to do, but I knew that she was tired and I needed to let her go now. It felt like my heat was shattering into a million pieces. I couldn't quite believe what I was about to do. I must have kissed her a thousand times, and she lay in my arms quietly. I called Linda out after about an hour, and while I held my baby close, telling her I loved her, and what a good girl she was, Linda administered the medication. Kiriana passed quietly, and I hope the last thing she heard was "Mummy loves you Pud" I took Kiri home with me. I had decided some time ago, that I would not be able to leave her at the vet . She was wrapped in her pink blanket, and she lay in her favourite spot of all - on the bed - for the last time. I held her, and touched her, and kissed her. The grief was overwhelming. I am still glad I took her home, my imagination would have been worse than any reality. Kiri was gone, but I knew where she was, I knew what she looked like, and she wasn't alone. I made arrangements for her cremation. Tues 26th July 2005: I slept on and off, my arm around Kiri. She looked so peaceful. Her cremation was at 12pm. My Dad drove, while I held Kiri wrapped in her blanket on my lap. The people at the pet crematorium where fantastic, they understood this grief, they didn't see it as any less because it was a pet and not a person. I placed Kiri in the box. lined with white tissue paper. I also put in my favourite photo of us, and a copy of A Parting Prayer (link). With tears streaming, I said the very last goodbye as the door to the crematorium closed. I sat there and waited, then I selected her urn, and they placed her ashes inside. I needed to be there for all of it, every step of the way. I needed to make sure her little body was treated with the respect she deserved. My Pudding girl had been a loyal and loving companion for the past 13 years, it was right that I should oversee her final journey in this way. Sun 22 Jan 2006: I has been hard to finally tell our story. I couldn't bring myself to update our page during her illness, it made it all too "real" (even though I already knew it was). My heart still hurts with her loss, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss her. I am getting better at talking about our good memories. The support from friends has been invaluable. As hard as it was, I have no regrets about the choices I made for Pud along the way. My heart is at peace with that. Kiri was given 1 year to live, and we had 2 years and 8 months...I wouldn't trade a single one of those days for anything. Finally writing this today has been incredibly difficult. most of it was through tears. But I still get mail about this site and Kiri, so I felt I should tell the final chapter of our story. Some photos from the last 3 years are here |