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| I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT I awoke from my dreamy sleep tonight and was compelled to sit and write down these my thoughts before the sleep cleared and my awareness had diminished. A purpose a reason maybe was left burning within me. I was given so many talents and yet I had never achieved very much, that is not to say that I didn’t try in the past, but I was always beaten down as if another force was trying to just make me let go and give up of my inner purpose. Like the light of inspiration I realized I am still here so in my frustration and anger and awaiting it to just be over I withdrew. When I was young I joined a little league baseball team I was disappointed from the beginning because it was my first attempt at playing little league and I was not accepted for the group I wanted to join but was put into the intermediate category which were the so called duds and rejects and I was already a year older than these boys and this was to be my last eligible year. I wanted to play and though disappointed I accepted and joined a team which were the rejects and were really a rag tag group of youngsters that had very little obvious talent for the sport, but had a desire to play and be seen and loved. |
| We had a coach that was ill equipped to deal with the frustration all of us were going through and so stumbling in the darkness we managed to lose every game in the first half of the season. He wasn’t a good coach and never seemed to be able to communicate to us effectively and rarely inspired us. Then a miracle happened that changed our ways of looking at things. Our coach decided to leave he just up and quit and another nameless man a Father decided to try and take over this group of discouraged kids that just wanted to be accepted and loved for themselves. He included us and came to me and ask for my help to make the team happen and in my purpose I found an inspiration my gift maybe and things began to change. I remember we won every game in the second half of the season. The last game especially sticks out as a burning reminder of what maybe I was put on this earth to give to the world. On this day our coach put me in a position my weakest and one that did not have the glory of what I had always thought for myself I was the catcher. I had never done this before or wanted to even try ,but then again it really never mattered because we were imbued with a purpose now and the team of rag tag kids that no one wanted to ever really play with were beginning to shine. This last game my thoughts take me back to how proud I was of everyone, some who had rarely even gotten to first base were trying there hearts out and we were a winning team of friends with a purpose and a belief that we could do this. There were some that I felt so proud of that were hitting home runs that in the beginning could not even swing a bat and our perfect second half of the season was my proof that another power was trying to tell me something. Now over forty years later I realize some of the signs were constantly being shown to me of why I might still be here on this Earth. |
| The last pitch I remember I had so much trouble using the awkward catchers mitt and as it came in the umpire said strike three and it came into my glove and dropped to the ground and the game was over and we had done what seemed the impossible we had won every game. Coming from a first half of all defeats. As God is my witness this is a true story and should have given me the insights I needed the tools to see my purpose, but alas it was just a part of the inspirational part which is my guidance but never proved to me to be as enduring as a stepping stone to the other things that would happen in my life. And now where am I at ,over fifty year’s of age? I was a beaten and in many ways an angry man that felt that my life is just awaiting its final call to exit because of two terminal diseases and the feeling of despair and loss of almost all hope of achieving anymore of my dreams in the hopes of giving some of the light I was born with back to the world. I have never been mainstream though I have tried all my life to conform and be accepted and even loved, but found it like always beating myself against a wall of sabotage over and over again until the diagnosis relieved me in many ways of the desire to try anymore. Many that know me can say I am pleasant to look at and even think I am very intelligent, but why is it I have so few friends. I have alienated everyone especially all that this power has put into my life to work and learn with. Now to waken from a dream this morning in which I was playing another role of a producer and mentor with a group of very talented people instilling in them the inspiration that I could make something happen for them that I had a dream and spilling it out to them like it was already an accomplished fact yet in reality had not been manifested . This is what haunted my slumber and brought my cloudy mind back to these key boards and impelled me to write. |
| Like focusing a microscope to look directly at a reason for my life and its lessons show me now. I was like Scrooge in the Christmas Carol a realization happened and I was becoming spiritually awake again I was feeling a transformation taking place. You who are reading this and who are feeling something might feel the hairs on their arm standing up and a chill of recognition that yes I know this to be true of myself as well. |
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| Joel December 17th 2002 |
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