dream2

If you would like to write and article or post comments related to HIV so you can share it with others. Please email me.

PositiveTalk@yahoo.com

And before it recessed back into my world of dreams I needed to just push it out like giving birth to something that might really help give me back my reason and purpose and possibly inspire me and others to not give up and just wait for the end but to step up and do what I/ they are still able to help. So here I am, now what? Can I now focus and possibly use what remaining talents I have to be a light in my darkness. I really believe that I am still loved by this thing that I have no name for, it takes the shape in many manifestations in my life and I have always given thanks to it when I felt alone and afraid in a place I know not where I am. Yes I am still a child of this higher power and infant that needs cradling and love and affection to move me forward and now for some strange reason I am awakening to this incredible power I have always had within me. I now feel a part of all this a piece of the puzzle and this special gift that was for me to understand first and then maybe show others the way. Even more importunately to convince myself that I have never been abandoned and accept that this is a gift for me that might be for my eyes only.
Do any of these disjointed sleepy thoughts make sense to anyone other than myself? How long now will this be with me? Is it because it is almost Christmas and I who held within me so much love to give is alone physically or what is really around me what tools and wonderfully gifted others are in front of me to work with and to share and maybe inspire ,to be like that baseball team so long ago? Why now? Because it is! For some reason I’m still here ,even though much of my personal power has been diminished the reason the purpose continues to drive me even to the point out of the warmth and security of the womb which was my warm bed in the middle of the night. I have much to give and yet now so little time or maybe just enough to make some sort of difference even if it be that it is for my ears and eyes only . I still have trouble accepting this premise because of the way it manifested in my life. So now maybe I can focus and share and maybe even inspire. I see you my people like the team of old and this is what is in front of me yet I had been so discouraged as of late that in bitterness I just wanted to leave and be done with it all.

But there still dwells a deep love within me struggling to show itself like the flame for attention a knowing feeling in my gut that is trying to be born in the darkness of this world and climb out and say There is a light in the depth of your darkness Joel and now look and shine this light out and see the way for you to proceed. I have more than enough tools to accomplish this task and maybe focus enough now to express whatever I can to what and whoever is in front of me my family my team all of you that feel forlorn too and yet you are here with me and so we are not alone and can still accomplish so much of what this so beautiful and gentle a power that has influenced me all my life has always been there for me and guided to its _expression. I have done so much in life but have been scattered and I have never done it well enough to really be satisfied.
I organized 300 television shows and I have produced many events and documentaries that still need to be completed and to give to the world, this is all part of my gift. To give back to this beautiful light within that has always been there for me when I feel all alone it has never left me it is real and coming back to me and burning brightly again, but I need help I know that more than ever now to bring it forward and maybe bring some light back into this world is my purpose and so tonight I awaken and feel something again and know that even when I hurt so bad and just wanted to be numb and return back to the warm womb I am here and awakening and this is my story for what its worth. I am taking that one step at a time forward and maybe my story and by my own example may show another some truth that may inspire them to give to this beautiful purpose. Everything is in its time it still is here to help and I maybe just now clearing my energy to give it birth. Where do I begin how can I do it? Do I still need acceptance and love and approval from others to try and bring it forth? What tool do I have in front of me to utilize and how can I ever organize it all. This jumble of feelings brought into a coherent pattern something that really makes sense to me let alone another person maybe.
I have been writing an hour I find it is now 3:30 in the morning my body is no longer as well as it was and I find my mind to be wandering yet the word focus is always present and clarity is so much my new watch word but I know I need to organize myself that is not new and focus what energies I have left see what tools I can use and who is in my play the stage of my life to work with and whoever has ears to here and wants to join with me you are more than welcome because I am beginning to see the picture the one that I could never recognize before . It must be the time for it to be revealed to take off my blinders, the veil that has kept me from a clear purpose or maybe it is now that this light is returning back to me from the depth of my darkens or I’m in the calm of my storm but for what ever reason my first step has been taken and as feebly and inadequate it is I still believe this is my purpose and with each step I draw closer to my own awakening. I am recovering from the brain fog of way to much medication prescribed to help me and hopefully it did, now I must clear my mind and open myself up to show everyone the light I have within myself that has been hidden for quite awhile. I have the gift of inspiration a contagious optimism that those that know me have always gravitated towards and felt that when I have a clear vision in view I make things happen and the force and energy to bring it to pass. I have done so much in my life this way already and many times I have jumped empty handed into the void with just the faith that I have a destiny a reason and I want to give and be accepted and loved and known for my inner being and not what to some might see as distant and cold feelings, because I am just the opposite really for those who would really want to take the time to really get to know me.
I have hidden my light under a bushel basket now for many years since finding out that my life had changed so drastically and I had just given up and awaited my exit, but I’m still here and I see so many that are like me and they are just wanting for what really. To feel like they have a reason too like the baseball team they are part of the play I am in and I truly believe that my purpose is always been shown to me and as long as I am given the time to take another step forward toward the meaning of what this higher power has been trying to tell me. I am now at this late time in my life open to receiving the message and God willing I will be granted the energy and the power to affect a change for the good that might bring more light and love and purpose into what has been a darkening world. Now is the time and all I have is now and time cannot be replaced and is my most precious gift and as my mind clears and I focus it I may be able to again see a vision.

A wise man once said “ You can take a persons money, but you can always give it back some way some how, but when you take a persons time that is something that can never be replaced it is our most precious gift and should be cherished nurtured.

Make every moment count and open to the possibility that life’s reason can be known to you if you remain open to feeling completely to risking and attempting what ever is your true hearts desire then you know you have done the right thing and no one can ever take that away from you, your true purpose.

Joel December 17th 2002

Joel produced the television show Backstage Pass with over 300 episodes and produced for nine years The Arizona Entertainment Awards. He produced numerous documentaries, commercials and industrial productions and many large live entertainment events. He plays guitar and sings and is currently working on musical projects and working to finish his long awaited African documentary featuring the life of a seven year old West African boy and his extraordinary journeys with the boys family to find the source of The River Gambia, one of the worlds largest navigable water ways and the many culture he encountered.

Joel currently lives in Scottsdale, Arizona