The Daily Flapdoodle

THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE
Serving America - One Possum At A Time!

Dateline: March 1, 2001
FORMER GOVERNOR BUSH'S GREAT BIG PICTURE BOOK OF LAST MONTH JUST COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY SUCKED

(Note: Today’s column was written by our extra-special correspondent Texas Governor and self-proclaimed President Elect George W. Bush, and translated into English by a team of the nation’s crack forensic linguists at M.I.T.)


This is a picture me, Texas Governor President George W. Bush, looking Presidential. I don't remember what I was doing while I was looking Presidential. I was SO way totally blitzed on zima!

Oo-ee. Don’t mess with Texas. Er... America.

Aw, screw America. They never voted for us. Ha, ha.

Hello there, Real People. It is I, Texas Governor President George W. Bush. I am like the dumb old President and stuff. See me be the dumb old President and stuff. Be the dumb old President and stuff, W., be the dumb old President and stuff. This is what happened to me last month. Don’t worry. I have lots of pictures. The pictures tell my story.

Today I am way totally madder and way totally unhappier than I have ever, ever, ever been way totally mad and way totally unhappy. Why? Don’t guess Mrs. Texas Governor President George W. Bush is really getting on my nerves with those dumb pantsuits. That would be a way totally good guess, but it would be way totally wrong. No, today I am like so way totally madder and way so totally unhappier because last month just completely and totally sucked.


This asshole Tom Daschle is like in charge of the dumb Senate Democrats. Democrats are so on my list.

This asshole is Tom Daschle. He is like in charge of the dumb Democrats in the Senate. Daddy said Tom Daschle was housebroken. Daddy said Tom Daschle would lick my hand like a daschund, even if I punched him in the nose.

But this asshole Tom Daschle won’t stop being mean about my tax cut. This asshole Tom Daschle will not shut up about numbers. Numbers, numbers, numbers. This asshole Tom Daschle says my tax cut is fuzzy math. This asshole Tom Daschle says my tax cut will bankrupt social security. This asshole Tom Daschle says my tax cut will ruin the economy and stuff. This asshole Tom Daschle says poor people will get shafted by my tax cut. This asshole Tom Daschle says rich people will get everything that isn’t nailed down with my tax cut.

Duh!


Tony Blair and I became like totally best friends after I threatened to cut off the oil supply to Fuckinglimeyania unless he carpet bombed Iraq for me.

This is me having a photo op with Tony Blair. Tony Blair is a foreign leader guy. Tony Blair is a Fuckinglimeyanian. Tony Blair taught me Fuckinglimeyanians use Sesame Street sparkle gel bubblegum flavored toothpaste too. Tony Blair taught me the Fuckinglimeyanian word for "Texas Governor President George W. Bush". Do you want to hear me say "Texas Governor President Governor George W. Bush" in Fuckinglimeyanian? "PatheticNeoFascistToffeyNosedGhit." Now I am plain spoken in three languages!

I was way totally mad when Daddy woke me from my nap and told me I had to waste my time meeting another dumb stupid foreign leader guy. Then I found out Tony Blair was white! Daddy said "Of course he’s white! He’s a Fuckinglimey. What are you, a retard?"

I have a secret.

Daddy is so on my list.

Daddy is why I am buying a way totally cool laser defense system.

Once I buy all my way totally cool lasers, Daddy will be sorry he was ever mean to me.


I had to stand like this for like an hour before I got it right.

Here is me and Andy Card and Karen Hughes the day before my stupid tax cut speech soundbyte. Daddy made me stand this way until the reporters took my picture. Right before this, Daddy yelled at me. Daddy said, "try not to look like such a complete and total fucking moron for once in your life!!"

Then he hit me!

Hard!

Then I had to skip my nap -- just so I could LEARN my WHOLE stupid tax cut speech soundbyte!

Being President sucks.


Here I am giving my tax cut speech soundbyte. I look totally way Presidential.

This is me giving my tax cut speech soundbyte. Speech soundbytes are hard! They are way totally longer than campaign soundbytes. It’s a good thing they are exactly the same, just longer. Otherwise, I never could have learned it so good!

I watch and see which Congress guy assholes clap good enough and which Congress guy assholes do not. I put the bad clapper guys on my list. My list is getting so WAY totally long. I can't wait until my way totally cool boss Satan shows me how to work the nuke button!


The neighborhood around Congress has really gone downhill since 1865. That's way I always pack heat when I go there.

After my tax cut speech soundbyte, all these colored people got way totally too close to me. They were smiling, but they asked all kinds of questions. They asked when I was going to implement meaningful electoral reform. They asked me when I was going to back meaningful campaign finance reform legislation. They asked me when I was going to investigate the improprieties that took place during the Florida election.

Colored people make my brain hurt.

I have a secret.

Ever since I became President and stuff, I am way totally even more scared of colored people than I have ever, ever been before. I am also way totally more scared than I have ever, ever been before of broads, spics, Jews, biological deviants, smelly old people and tree hugging college punks.

Pretty soon I will pass a law sending them all to Utah or Mexico or some other foreign country place.

America should only have Americans in it.


Daddy says Jebbie forgot to pack heat when he went to this colored church, and had to cry to get out alive. Daddy says Jebbie is a tree hugging, pansy assed fruit. Duh!

This is my baby brother Jebbie. Jebbie called me on the phone. Jebbie said everybody is talking about Presidential pardons, hint, hint. Jebbie said I don’t have anything to worry about any more, hint, hint. Jebbie said Kat Harris got her pay off, so why won’t I cough up a Presidential pardon for him, HINT, HINT. Jebbie said if I don’t see a pardon cross my desk within the next twenty four hours, I’m spilling everything to the media. HINT! HINT!

I put my hands over my ears and hummed "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU."

Being President is way totally harder than I thought it would be.


This asshole is Terry Mcauliffe. I gave him a nickname -- "Moneybags". He gave me a nickname -- "Unindicted coconspirator". We were like way totally best friends until Daddy told me what that meant.

This asshole is the new chairman of the Democratic party. His name is Terry Mcauliffe. Terry Mcauliffe never shuts up about numbers. Numbers, numbers, numbers. Every time he gets on TV he says something way totally dumb like "that dumb Gore guy got 1,070 more votes in Florida, so that dumb Gore guy should be President". Or "they aren't done counting the Florida votes and when they do, that dumb Gore guy will have even way totally more Florida votes and should be even way more totally President".

How way totally dumb is that?

Like getting more votes has anything to do with how you become President!


Daddy told me I am like the way most totally unpopular President EVER. Does that totally suck or what?

Terry Mcaulifee isn't the only one who won't shut up about that dumb Gore guy! Daddy won't shut up about that dumb Gore guy either. Daddy says we can’t ever say that dumb Gore guy's name in front of reporters. Daddy says we have to make that dumb Gore guy the invisible man. Daddy says we have to amp up the Clinton scandals. Daddy said we have to make Clinton sound worse than Hitler so people will forget that dumb Gore guy was ever born.

That’s just dumb. Hitler was a good guy.

John Ashcroft told me so.

Daddy keeps talking about that dumb Gore guy. Talk, talk, talk. I try to go to sleep with my eyes open. I discover something. Even when you are President and stuff, you still cannot sleep with your eyes open. Rats!

Daddy says something about that dumb Gore guy that wakes me up. Daddy says stupid old real people way totally like that dumb Gore guy and are WAY totally mad at me. At me!

Daddy says colored people are the way totally maddest at me. Daddy says broads and spics and Jews and biological deviants and smelly old people and tree hugging college punks hate my guts too. Daddy says they all love that dumb Gore guy instead.


Here is that dumb Gore guy again! Why is he always so way totally happy? Doesn't he know he's not President and stuff?? At least this isn't a picture of him kissing his stupid wife for like the gazillionth time.

I said to Daddy that is way totally not fair. I said to Daddy I am like President and stuff. I said to Daddy what is that dumb Gore guy doing to make stupid real people way totally like him better than me, Texas Governor President George W. Bush?

Daddy said that dumb Gore guy isn’t doing a damn thing!

Daddy said that dumb Gore guy is just showing off what a complete and total brain he is by teaching college. Daddy said that dumb Gore guy isn’t even smart enough to get paid!

Daddy says we spent eight years smearing that dumb Gore guy within an inch of his life. Daddy says we spent eight years pinning bogus scandals on the dumb Gore guy. Daddy says we spent the entire campaign stealing his ideas and outspending him one hundred to one. Daddy says we shaved hundreds of thousands of darkies off the voter rolls in Florida, Tennessee, Georgia, Arkansas, Missouri and Illinois. Daddy says we stuffed ballot boxes in Michigan, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. Daddy says the media let us do all this right under their noses. Daddy says the lazy assed media even knew about the Choicepoint voter purge before the election, but did nothing but parrot RNC faxes. Daddy says we had this stupid country sewn up from top to bottom. Daddy says but that dumb Gore guy STILL won!

Daddy says what do we have to do to beat that dumb Gore guy in 2004?? How on earth can we cheat MORE???


Don't tell Daddy, but I found out where he hid the zima.

Talk, talk, talk.

Daddy just will not shut up about that dumb Gore guy.

This is going to be a way totally long four years.

"I see a vision. I see the Republican monster lyin' flat on the ground. I see the Democratic party standin' over it with foot on its neck and wearin' the crown of victory. I see Thomas Jefferson lookin' out from a cloud and sayin' 'Give him another sockdologer; finish him.' And I see millions of men wavin' their hats and singin' 'Glory Hallelujah.'" - - George Washington Plunkitt

Calling all Gore in four supporters!

In honor of Real Presidents' Day 2001, you are invited to join Al-Gore-2004.org, the completely and totally unofficial, 100% grassroots, all volunteer effort to re-elect President Al Gore!

We at Al-Gore-2004.org know that the people, not the powerful, are already supporting President Gore in droves. Internet Gore-in-04 sites are springing up faster than Bush administration scandals. The only problem is that there is no central location, no one place for all the Gore supporters to meet and work together - - until now.

When you join Al-Gore-2004.org, you get the satisfaction of standing up and being counted in a culture that refuses to acknowledge the national outrage and disgust over the theft of the Presidency. And as the membership of Al-Gore-2004.org grows, you will also get to use the size of the group to help your elected officials, the media and even the Democratic party understand that restoring Al Gore to the White House is the will of the people.

Join us at Al-Gore-2004.org - - stand up and be counted!

For more information and to join, please visit us at:

Click here for Al-Gore-2004.org

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