The Daily Flapdoodle

THE POSSUM COUNTY DAILY FLAPDOODLE
Serving America - One Possum At A Time!

Dateline: March 12, 2001
FORMER GOVERNOR BUSH'S GREAT BIG PICTURE BOOK OF HIS NEW WAY TOTALLY COOLER BOSS

(Note: Today’s column was written by our extra-special correspondent Texas Governor and self-proclaimed President Elect George W. Bush, and translated into English by a team of the nation’s crack forensic linguists at M.I.T.)

Oo-ee. Don’t mess with Texas. Er... America.


This is me and my old, way totally bad boss, Satan. He was always standing way too close behind me. It was way totally creepy.

Hello there, Real People. It is I, Texas Governor President George W. Bush. I am like the President and stuff. See me be the President and stuff. Be the President and stuff, W., be the President and stuff. This is what happened to me this week. Don’t worry. I have lots of pictures. The pictures tell my story.

Today I am way totally happy. Today I am way totally happier than I have ever been. Why? Don’t guess I had crabcakes for lunch. That would be a way totally good guess, because I did! But today is even better than crabcakes for lunch. Today I am like so way totally happy because I have a new, way totally cooler boss.

How did that happen, you say. I will tell you. I will tell you now.

Before I had my new, way totally cooler boss, my head hurt all the time. My old, way totally bad boss Satan was like totally getting sick all the time. My old, way totally bad Secretary of State Colin was always telling me to dump my old, way totally bad boss Satan on his sick ass. My old, way totally bad Secretary of State Colin was always telling me that real President guys don’t let sick old losers like my old, way totally bad boss Satan push them around.

I am like the President and stuff. Nobody pushes the President around! So I would fire my old, way totally bad boss Satan. Then Daddy would find out I fired my old, way totally bad boss, Satan. Then Daddy would yell at me for listening to that darkie Colin. Then Daddy would call me a pathetic inbred moron Nazi crackhead. Then Daddy would wish I had never been born. Then Daddy would hire my old, way totally bad boss Satan right back. Then my old, way totally bad boss Satan would yell at me for firing his sick ass. Then my old, way totally bad boss would turn funny colors and get all sick again.

I hardly got any naps! At all!


This is my bestest friend ever, Jimmy. Jimmy helped me search the Internet for a picture of caribou. The Internet is so way totally cool. Whoever invented the Internet is like a way totally great inventor dude.

Then Daddy went to Kuwait for like the gazillionth time. Daddy went to Kuwait to jack up oil prices. For like the gazillionth time. Daddy took my old, way totally bad Secretary of State Colin with him.

While Daddy and my old, way totally bad Secretary of State Colin were gone, I snuck my bestest friend ever into the White House. My bestest friend ever is Jimmy. Jimmy taught me Donkey Kong! But Daddy doesn’t like Jimmy. My old, way totally bad Secretary of State Colin doesn’t like Jimmy. My old, way totally bad boss Satan doesn’t like Jimmy. My old, way totally bad boss saw Jimmy in my office. Then my old, way totally bad boss Satan got like even way more totally sick than he was ever, ever sick before.

I got scared. Daddy was going to be way totally mad if I broke my old, way totally bad boss, Satan.

Jimmy said don’t worry. Jimmy said I’ll take care of everything. Jimmy sent my old, way totally bad boss Satan to the hospital. Then Jimmy fired everybody’s ass.

Then Jimmy got me a new, way totally cooler boss!


This is a Daddy caribou and a baby caribou. Caribou are soft like puppies. But caribou are wild animals. You can only pet the ones in the petting zoo.

My new, way totally cooler boss lets me eat crabcake sandwiches for lunch. Every day! My new, way totally cooler boss lets me watch Schoolhouse Rock videos during the dumb old boring cabinet meetings - - IF I keep my earphones on! My new, way totally cooler boss showed me how to buy a razor scooter online with my allowance. My new, way totally cooler boss says I can ride my razor scooter in the White House all I want. But only in the basement. And not on the stairs. My new, way totally cooler boss took me to the petting zoo. I got to go inside the fence! I got to pet a caribou! Caribou are big, but they are soft. They are soft like puppies. I like caribou.

Then my new, way totally cooler boss took me to see Dr.Ye. Dr. Ye is a family therapist who specializes in substance abuse. Dr. Ye is fun! I get to play with puppets and make pictures with crayons. I get to use all the colors in the box! I drew a picture of me at the petting zoo. I gave my new, way totally cooler boss my picture of me at the petting zoo. My new, way totally cooler boss put my picture of me at the petting zoo up on the fridge.

My new, way totally cooler boss rocks.

My new, way totally cooler boss says I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to - - except see Dr. Ye and come to work for at least ten minutes every day. When I come to work, I sign the good bill thingies and veto the bad bill thingies. Vetoing bad bill thingies is fun. Those Congress guys give me way totally tons more bad bill thingies than good bill thingies. Those Congress guys sent me a way totally bad bill thingie that said "be mean to caribou". How dumb is that? Caribou are soft like puppies. Being mean to them is way totally wrong.


This is my baby brother Jebbie. Dr. Ye says it would be way totally bad to share a cell with him in stir.

Those dumb Congress guys sent me another bad bill thingie that takes all the money from poor people and gives it all to dumb old rich people. How way totally dumb is that? Rich people already have money. Duh! That’s why they’re rich.

I so way totally vetoed that bad bill thingie.

Today I asked my new way totally better Attorney General guy to appoint a Special Prosecutor guy to investigate all the way totally bad things that my baby brother Jebbie and I did in Florida.

In Florida, my baby brother Jebbie and I made sure I won. In Florida, my baby brother Jebbie and I cheated big time. In Florida, my baby brother Jebbie and I did not count all the votes. Not counting all the votes is like way totally bad. Jesus would so totally count all the votes. So would JFK.

Jimmy says he will miss me when I am in the slammer, but going to jail is like the way totally right thing to do. Going to jail is taking personal responsibility. Going to jail is changing the tone. I asked Jimmy if I will still be President and stuff when I get sent up the river.

Jimmy says no. Jimmy says my new, way totally cooler boss will be President instead. Jimmy says if I ever get out of stir, I could run again, if there is a constitutional amendment to allow convicted felons to serve as President. Jimmy says don’t hold your breath. Jimmy says hopefully the nation has seen the last of the Bush crime family.


Here my new, way totally cooler boss tells me he will answer the dumb old questions from the dumb old White House press corps about my arrest. Then my new, way totally cooler boss sent me to Levenworth for oreos! And chocolate milk!

Now the Federal Marshals are in my office.

Now the Federal Marshals are reading me my rights.

My new, way totally cooler boss shakes his head and sighs. Big time.

I am so totally glad he is like the President and stuff.

Aren’t you?

IT'S BEEN SIX LONG DAYS...
AND I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD BACK FROM
THE PEOPLE'S QUISLING, MICHAEL MOORE

> >Return-Path:
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> 2001 16:58:08 -0000
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> -0500 (EST)
> >From: MMFlint@a...
> >Message-ID:
> >Date: Tue, 6 Mar 2001 11:43:59 EST
> >Subject: Re: [Mike's Message] I'm Back And I'm
> Still Michael Moore
> >To: <>
> >MIME-Version: 1.0
> >Content-Type: text/plain; charset="US-ASCII"
> >Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
> >X-Mailer: AOL 5.0 for Windows sub 116
> >
> >yes, my dear and bitter friend, it's been all shit
> for me since i goofed up
> >on that nader business...
> >
> >additions to my mailing list since nov 7: 123,778
> >
> >increase in hits to website since nov 7: 410%
> >
> >sales of Awful Truth VHS and DVDs since nov 7: all
> inventory sold out!
> >
> >hang in there. the past is a beautiful thing.
> >
> >mike


Nope. No connection between this photo and SpamMaster Moore's email. I just still miss Al and Tipper. Big time.

Dear Mr. Moore:

I am writing to you because the above was forwarded to me by another of the over 50 million Americans who were disenfranchised by the Supreme Court's insane ruling in Bush v. Gore.

I was rather surprised that you responded to an email sent to you by a former viewer -- and sent such an immature, unprofessional reply. Do you believe your career will never reach a point where you need your former viewers back? I have to add that I found it more than a little pathetic that you used the sales of your videos to "prove" you were correct politically. It's nice to know you haven't gone Hollywood or anything. Another reason your reply surprised me is that I also sent you a rather heated email about your anti-Gore activities during the 2000 election, but you never bothered to write me back -- not even a simple little "F*ck you".

Perhaps that's because I took the time to research the anti-Gore propaganda you were spewing at the time and debunked it for you. (You remember that BS about Gore being personally responsible for Scalia when the Senate vote was 98-0 in Scalia’s favor? And then you implied that Gore was some how responsible for Thomas as well, even though Gore voted against Thomas -- and against the elevation of Rehnquist? Remember that nonsense?)


As long as I'm completely off the subject, I also miss algore.com... Great big, Al Gore type sigh.

I'd like to point out something else that seems to have escaped your notice, possibly intentionally. You use November 7th as the date for the increase in subscriptions to your email lists, and an increase in the number of hits on your site. Well, I happen to have read all your spam mails prior to November 7th, and November 7th was the first time you bashed Bush instead of Gore. As a matter of fact, I have seen a number of heavily pro-Gore, Democratic lists where well meaning people have posted your post November 7th diatribes, mistakenly believing that you are now and always have been anti-Bush. There's a sucker born every minute, ain't there?

You call us Gore supporters bitter. Why on earth does that surprise you? I repeat: over 50 million of us had our basic civil rights trampled on by Team Bush and the Scalia Five. You had the opportunity prior to the election to say "I support Nader, and I don't like Gore’s politics, but Bush scares me too much. Please vote for Gore, if only to stop Bush". No, it was more important to you to hoodwink sincere but misguided college students into thinking Gore and Bush were clones - - just so that Nader could hook up to that Federal campaign money gravy train. Never mind that your party building strategy could not work -- why on earth are you trying to build from the top down if the Democrats and Republicans were both corrupt beyond repair? Were the Greens also planning a fascist coup? -- all you cared about were those Federal matching bucks.

Yeah, what does a Bush administration really matter to you? Your life is not shit now and never will be again -- you are a white male, making more money than most of the families I know – according to your email, because you jumped on the anti-Bush bandwagon November 7th. With a few prudent investments, you will be just fine under the Bush II Administration. In fact, you will probably make a killing. I, being a woman, won't do so well. Nor will African-Americans, gays, the working poor, etc. etc. etc. (All the groups who have refused to join the Green party in droves.) My company has already started downsizing, based on the phony recession Team Bush is manufacturing so they can get government off the backs of billionares. Team Bush is already working to defund the unions and have the IRS investigate the taxes of every organization that opposes them. Yeah, you were probably smart not to take a stand against Bush. You wouldn't want to be sued within an inch of your life over a matter of principle - - just for the sake of social justice.

You wouldn’t want to stand up against real fascism. That might slow your video sales.

Sincerely,
Janet Hessert
One of over 50 million American citizens who had enough brains to recognize George W. Bush was a fascist menace before he stole the 2000 Presidential election.

"I see a vision. I see the Republican monster lyin' flat on the ground. I see the Democratic party standin' over it with foot on its neck and wearin' the crown of victory. I see Thomas Jefferson lookin' out from a cloud and sayin' 'Give him another sockdologer; finish him.' And I see millions of men wavin' their hats and singin' 'Glory Hallelujah.'" - - George Washington Plunkitt

Calling all Gore in four supporters!

In honor of Real Presidents' Day 2001, you are invited to join Al-Gore-2004.org, the completely and totally unofficial, 100% grassroots, all volunteer effort to re-elect President Al Gore!

We at Al-Gore-2004.org know that the people, not the powerful, are already supporting President Gore in droves. Internet Gore-in-04 sites are springing up faster than Bush administration scandals. The only problem is that there is no central location, no one place for all the Gore supporters to meet and work together - - until now.

When you join Al-Gore-2004.org, you get the satisfaction of standing up and being counted in a culture that refuses to acknowledge the national outrage and disgust over the theft of the Presidency. And as the membership of Al-Gore-2004.org grows, you will also get to use the size of the group to help your elected officials, the media and even the Democratic party understand that restoring Al Gore to the White House is the will of the people.

Join us at Al-Gore-2004.org - - stand up and be counted!

For more information and to join, please visit us at:

Click here for Al-Gore-2004.org

Talk To The Possum!