"The Price of Admission"
Ranlynn
Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing owns me
Rating:  R/NC-17 (sexual description)
Buffy/Spike
Notes: ** indicates a pause in dialog
Summary: Someone pays the ultimate price.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Sid, hey Sid. Ah, come on where are you?”

“Over Here Phil. Hurry up would ya!”

“Where we goin’ Sid?”

“That big crypt, we’ll slip in right thru here. Man I hope we’re not too late to catch them!”

“Who Sid?”

“Them, looks like they just started. You’re gonna love this!”

*

*

“uh, Sid?”

“What Phil?”

“Why are we watchin’ a couple of humans?”

“Actually only she’s human, he’s a vampire.”

“A vampire?? aaah man!!”

“What, you got somethin’ against vampires?”

“Well…they’re dead. "

“So what?  Zombies are dead and you like them.”

“Yeah but they rot. Vampires don’t even sweat, let alone rot.”

“Jeez Phil!”

“Hey, a guy's gotta eat you know.”

“Why do I ever take you anywhere? Now shut up and watch .”

*

*

“Sid?”

“What now!!”

“What are they doing?”

“They call it kissing”

“It looks like they’re trying to eat each others' tongues off.”

“Well they must get a kick out of it because they do that a lot !!!”

“Huh….what’s she doin’ now?”

“I don’t know what they call it but he sure likes it.”

“Hey! I didn’t know vampire had two mouths”

“Two mouths?? Phil, what are you talkin’ about, vampires only have one mouth!”

“Well isn’t she doin’ that kissing thing again?”

“That’s not kissing. She’s paying with his…”

“His what Sid? Speak up!”

“You know his… thing. ”

“Thing?? oh, OH!! His THING!”

“Yeah, You’d think she wasn’t the one that needed to breathe would you?”

“Yeah, hey she’s gettin’ to her feet. That’s his thing ?!?!”

“Yup, kinda makes you feel inadequate don’t it Phil?”

“Just a little bit Sid”

*

*

“Uh Sid? Are they molting?”

“Why me? No, they’re not molting. They’re taking their clothes off.”

“Clothes??”

“God Phil, don’t you know anything about humans?!?”

“Hey, I don’t usually go around watchin’ humans you know.”

*

*

“Sid…. they’re doin’ that kissing thing again.”

“Told you they liked it. I was tellin’ Shirley, you know Shirley right, well we were back behind the DoubleMeat Palace lookin’ for somthin’ to eat and I got to tellin’ her about it. Asked her if she wanted to give it a try.”

“What she say?”

“Called me a pervert and left in a huff…oh hey they’re gonna make it to the bed tonight, they don’t do that very often.”

“What are they gonna do now Sid?”

“Well humans and vampires aren’t like us, see when they mate the male has to stick his, ya know, thing into the female.”

“ Into ??? Is it gonna fit ?”

“Yeah, there, see, what did I tell you? They do this all the time.”

“They sure do move around a lot and make a lot of noise don’t they Sid?”

“Yup.”

*

*

“Uh Sid, are they done??”

“No, I told they’re different, they can go for hours. They’re just changing positions.”

“Huh, I see…..I didn’t know humans could bend that way….Oh, Hey now!! That can’t be legal, can it?”

“Heh, heh….told you we were gonna see a show didn’t I”

“Yeah…..man Sid, she really sounds like she's havin' fun, keeps askin’ for more”

“Yeah, human females aren’t like our females. With them it’s 'wham bam - thanks for fertilizing me now go away - mam' and even then you have to be the toughest and strongest…”

“Sid”

“..and who’s got the bigger wing span…”

“Sid”

“..doesn’t matter if you’re a nice guy…”

“Sid”

“..or that you might want to help raise the little wiggle worms..”

“SID!!!”

“….sorry…. I got issues...”

“That’s ok. Sid they’re getting real loud now."

“That just means they’re just about done…There they go! If we wait a couple of minutes they might have another go.”

*

*

“Sid, they’re not doin’ anything.”

“Yeah, looks like it’s over for tonight, lets go…Hey! Come back here!”

“Just a minute Sid, she’s all sweaty and I want to get a drink. I’ll be right back.”

“No, Phil would you get back here? Phil!! Phil!! I think the vampire sees you. He’s picking something up…Phil!!! Get out of there!! Phil!!! Nooooo!!!!!!”

*THWACK*

“And the Big Bad claims another victim.”

“Spike, what are you doing??”

“Just gettin’ in a spot o’ violence luv.”

“Well, did you have to use my shoe?”

“You know me, gotta improvise and such.”

“Come back to bed, there, now go to sleep, I have a double shift tomorrow.”

*

*

“hmm,hmm…uh huh.. I’m bad.. you know it.”

“Oh, for God’s sake Spike!! It was just a fly.”

Fini


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