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JOURNAL: PART 1 ( PART-2 BELOW) FIRST, I HAVE TO START OFF BY SAYING WHAT AN AMAZING FAMILY I HAVE, HOW CLOSE WE ALL ARE, HOW MUCH WE LOVE EACH OTHER, AND HOW PROUD I AM OF THAT, AND OF EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM. THEY HAVE EACH ENCOURAGED AND SUPPORTED ME IN SOME WAY: MY PARENTS GAVE ME SUPPPORT IN ALL FORMS, WITHOUT THEM I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE. MY SISTER, MY BROTHER, WERE ALWAYS THERE FOR ME AND FOR THE BOYS. WHILE MY BROTHER WAS IN THE MARINES, MY SISTER WOULD TAKE THEM FOR RIDES AND BUY THEM GOODIES AND WOULD THEY ENJOY THAT. MY DAD WOULD TAKE THE WHOLE FAMILY UP TO THE COUNTRY FOR THE DAY, WE WOULD VISIT THE FARMS, GET HOMEMADE ICE CREAM, JUST BEING IN THE WOODS AND GETTING AWAY WAS WONDERFUL. IF NOT FOR THEM THERE WOULD HAVE BEEN NO WINTER COATS, NO SPECIAL THINGS THAT MY CHILDREN HOPED FOR ON HOLIDAYS. I OWE THEM SO VERY MUCH. WHEN MY BROTHER CAME HOME FROM THE MARINES CORP, HE TAUGHT THEM HOW TO KEEP THERE BODIES IN SHAPE AND INSTILLED IN THEM THE DESIRE TO STAY THAT WAY. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE MY FAMILY HAS DONE, (AND STILL DOES)AND WITHOUT A FATHER, THESE THINGS MEAN SO MUCH TO A CHILD. I COULD NEVER AFFORD A VACATION OR EVEN COME CLOSE, SO MY MOM AND DAD WOULD GET A LITTLE POOL FOR THE YARD AND THEY WOULD SPLASH WITH THERE FRIENDS AND I WOULD MAKE ICE POPS AND LEMONADE AND LUNCH FOR THEM. THEN I WOULD CALL THE LOCAL TOWNS WHICH WERE ACCESSIBLE BY BUS (I NEVER OWNED A CAR) AND FOUND OUT ALL OF THE LOCAL PLAY GROUNDS, THEN EACH WEEK DURING THE SUMMER I WOULD TAKE THEM TO A DIFFERENT PARK. THEY WOULD GET SO EXITED, AND SOON THEY WOULD HAVE FAVORITES AND CHOOSE WHICH ONE THEY WANTED TO GO TO THAT WEEK. YOU MAKE DO WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND YOU WOULD BE SURPRISED HOW IF PRESENTED IN THE RIGHT WAY, CHILDREN CAN GET JUST AS EXITED AND ENTERTAINED OVER SOMETHING SIMPLE. SURE I WAS RESENTFUL AT TIMES, AND FELT LIKE A FAILURE WHEN I WOULD SEE THEIR FRIENDS AND MINE GO OFF FOR THE SUMMER ON A GREAT VACATION, BUT I TRIED MY BEST TO ENTERTAIN THEM, HAVE THERE FRIENDS OVER, AND MAKE A GOOD TIME FOR THEM. YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN, WITH WHAT YOU HAVE, AND HOPE FOR THE BEST AND KEEP ON GOING. MY CHILDREN, JUST HAVING THEM TO CARE FOR, THE RESPONSIBILITY OF IT CHANGED ME AND GAVE ME THE WILL I NEEDED. NOW THAT IS NOT TO SAY WE DON'T HAVE OUR PROBLEMS- WOW, DO WE EVER! MORE ABOUT THAT AS WE GO ON... WHEN I BECAME A SINGLE MOM AND HAD MUCH THINKING TO DO ABOUT MY FUTURE AND RAISING 2 CHILDREN. ACTUALLY IF IT WERE NOT FOR MY FAMILY I DO NOT THINK I WOULD HAVE MADE IT. MY SONS WERE MY MOTIVATION,THEY ARE WHAT GOT ME THROUGH, IF NOT FOR MY MY LOVE FOR THEM AND THEIR LOVE FOR ME I WOULD NOT HAVE MADE IT. THAT IS WHAT KEPT PUSHING ME ON. I THOUGHT OF THEIR FUTURE, AND MINE. ONE THING I KNEW FOR SURE- I WOULD PREPARE EARLY SO THAT WHEN THEY ENTERED KINDERGARTEN I WOULD BE READY TO START SOMETHING THAT WOULD LEAD TO A CAREER OF SOME SORT. I WOULD NOT END UP WORKING FOR MINIMUM WAGE. I SUGGEST THIS THOUGHT TO ENTER EVERY SINGLE MOTHER'S MIND. ESPECIALLY TODAY WITH DAYCARE AND EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMS AVAILABLE, TAKE ADVANTAGE, DON'T LEAN ON THE SYSTEM- YOU WILL BE PROUD AND SO WILL YOUR CHILDREN IF YOU BECOME INDEPENDENT AND PURSUE A CAREER OF SOME SORT. YOU CAN DO IT, TRUST ME IF I DID IT ANYONE CAN. I HAD MANY PROBLEMS, BUT STILL I KEPT GOING. (MORE ABOUT MY PROBLEMS LATER) I STARTED DOING THE RESEARCH ( NO COMPUTERS BACK THEN) I FOUND OUT WHERE THE GED PROGRAM WAS, AND THE LOCAL JOB TRAINING PROGRAM. THIS WHOLE IDEA WAS HARD BECAUSE OF MY SONS ASTHMA (READ ON OTHER PAGES) I WAS VERY ANXIOUS TO LEAVE THEM AT ALL. BUT I WENT DOWN TO INQUIRE ABOUT JOB TRAINING AND TEST FOR THEM. I was offered a fulll year of college, but What can one do with only 1 year of college?.Well, I had worked for the Seniors on my street part time on and off and mentioned it- The job counseler told me they had an LPN program 14 months full time but that she would help get me the extention. I thought about it for a while, went to the library and read through the ' Occupational Outlook Guide' For that year-( a wonderful book for giving ideas about jobs - their descriptions, how much education you need, the salary average, the future outlook for that particular position etc.. ) Of course it gave good news for an LPN- I searched through it, and settled on the LPN course. It wasn't going to be easy, 14 months, full time, had to pass a test each week to stay in course. I wondered if I could do it. Amazing what one can do, albeit, sometimes unforseen consequences can occur...more to come
PART 2:I started this journal once I became disabled.I found it helps to put your thoughts down in writing, especially the stressful ones. I faced such a sudden and drastic change in my life that I began to grieve over the loss my health my income and my home. I then began looking back over my life and the stressful events that were ongoing each day as I remembered back into the past. I realized it truly was an amazing journey, and I still have much of my life to live. I was married at 18, had my first son at 19, the second at 20. I had Toxemia (pre-eclampsia) with both- was hospitalized for about a month prior to their births. My first son was 'whisked away the moment he was born, after a long labor, I had insisted on natural childbirth, and wanted that instant bonding, but they held him up for a second and said "we have to clean him up now you can see him later". But the way they all looked at one another I knew somthing was wrong. When the pediatrician came in to my bedroom, and told me the trauma he went through, then the nurse brought him him....I couldn't believe it, this adorable little angel who couldn't stop crying because he was born with a severe club foot. So bad that they had the orthopedic go straight in and cast it. And there he was, this little one with this cast up his left leg, they explained to me he would be in some pain and to carefully life it not to let it hang at any time, etc.. Well, being a first time Mom I was a wreck just holding him never mind worrying about that. I felt so sorry for him and then I blamed myself- I felt I must have done something wrong while I was pregnant, I felt all kind of things. The little one was up most of the night every night, but I got through it, although I do not remember sleeping those first few months. Speaking of the first few months, when my son was about 4 months old I discoverd I was pregnant. Surprise! Actually I was thrilled, I loved babies,I loved children. Unfortunately, although at the time 26 years ago the Drs in the clinic I went to told me I would not get the Toxemia (preclampsia) with a second child., and I believed them. Well, about my 8th month guess where I was- back in the hospitla but this time they had to induce labor after 2 weeeks my-blood pressure was just too high, so I went right into labor and my second son was born. He was a big baby, about 9 Ibs. Babies are so precious, I always remember the sweet scent they had. I then had 2 boys. Little did I know what I was in for. Lots of things were in store, it wasn't always one big hammer on the head (although sometimes it was) it was a hard enough weries of continuos 'hits' to keep me in a constant state of borderline hysteria. Of course I couldn't show it, especially in front of the kids. I had to be the calm one. Through all of the broken bones, accidents, stitches, school, physical and emotional hard times. Mom has to be there. My family was there of course, but they were my responsibility. Imagine I actually thought when they grew up things would mellow out and problems would lesson, both physical and otherwise. Boy, was I wrong. I can't help but feel for them, and worry. This is how I am, but I try while reading my own words not to needlessly worry, but it is tough. So I do know how many of you feel, and working with thousands of people over my life, I understand what common needs people have, I know they (myself included) all need to feel loved, needed and appreciated. More to come..... |
