Copyright © 2002 by Syvia (Aka Rebecca K. Friedrick). All Rights Reserved.

Disclaimer: I don’t own this stuff. Other people do.

Authors Notes: If you’d like to find the entire audio dialogue for Blood Omen written down, look in the same place I found it. http://www.nosgoth.net

Uh... let’s see. Somebody asked me to bring Janos into these bloopers... it was Natasha! *shouts to her* HERE HE IS! :-)

Kain VO- In the bowels of that black forest I found something worse than Hell. A vision of what I was becoming . . .

Vorador- It’s not often I see one of our own, especially one as young and foolish as yourself. Nonetheless, drink. Drink deep and indulge your gift. *he holds up a hand and a goblet of blood floats from the table*

*takes the goblet and, instead of raising it to Vorador, he holds the glass like a brandy snifter, swirls it around a bit, smells it, then takes a sip*

Kain- *smacking his lips slightly* Female Vampire Hunter, mid-twenties, blood type B negative. *he smiles* Excellent.

Director- Cut! *slightly exasperated* Kain. *Kain gives him a humorously apologetic look. Then the Director looks curiously at him.* You could really tell that about the blood?

Kain- *looking highly amused* No, actually. I was just making it up. *the Director looks embarrassed. Vorador laughs.*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Gift? Pah! Vorador thought my curse a blessing. That we were gods and that mortals offered their blood as sacrifice so- so... *Kain tries to remember his lines. Vorador is still talking, but notices that Kain has lost his train of thought*

*Vorador slams a hand on the table, startling him*

Vorador- Listen to me when I’m talking to you! I swear- fledglings these days, no respect... *laughter is heard from the crew*

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

*Vorador touches a claw to a drop of blood on the dummy hanging from the ceiling. The rope holding it snaps and the dummy crashes to the table, hitting the full warmer and showering Vorador with blood*

*Kain looks at him with wide eyes. Vorador stands there for a moment, still holding his goblet, blinking. He turns to the camera.*

Vorador- Makeup! *Kain bursts out laughing*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- I pondered this as the decadent old fool prattled on about his past; a boorish account of how he defeated Malek of the Sarafan and-

Malek- *striding onto the set* It. Was. A. Draw.

Director- Cut! Malek- what are you-

Vorador- Oh for God’s sake, not this again.

Malek- Well if you won, why didn’t you stay and kill me?

Vorador- I’d already killed six of the Circle right under your nose. Why should I give you the opportunity to die in battle?

Malek- *overriding him* I’ll tell everyone why! You wouldn’t have survived a fight with the battalion of Knights that were coming, so you ran away!

Vorador- I did not run! I merely withdrew from the battle.

Kain- Still angry that you couldn’t have a tumble with the Brides, Malek?

Malek- *pointing his spear at Kain* You stay out of this!

Director- *through the megaphone* Malek, you get your insubstantial ass out of the scene!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- I pondered this as the decadent old fool prattled on about his past; a boorish account of how he defeated Malek of the Sarafan and took his vengeance upon the Circle of Nine for supporting the Sarafan’s holy war to exterminate us . . .

Janos- *off-camera* Aw, Vorador... and here I thought you’d done it to avenge me.

Vorador- *spluttering* Well, I did-

Director- Cut! Janos? What are you doing here?

*beep-beep*

Director- *softly to his aide* Is everyone in position? *his aide smiles and nods* Okay, let’s go people!

Stagehand- Speed. Marker.

Director- Action!

Vorador- After slaughtering six of the sheep I defeated their pathetic little shepherd - Malek. Since then our kind has not bothered with the cattle, except to feed. And I suggest you do the same.

*off-camera, Malek grumbles at the insult and makes a move towards the set. A claw taps him on the shoulder. The Sarafan turns around. Raziel grabs him by the breastplate and throws him into another room. He then turns the Reaver on and leaps in after the Sorcerer*

Female Producer- *whispering* Why Raziel?

Director- *whispering* Only other person who can take as much damage with as few ill effects.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- In my travels, I learned much about the legend of Janos Audron. Here, in this quaint pastoral village of Uschtenheim, that dark enemy was born. Janos preyed upon its peasants until he was finally hunted down and executed.

Janos- *off-camera* I beg to differ!

Director- Cut! Janos, what are you doing here?

Janos- Visiting.

Director- That’s nice, but you aren’t in this game.

Janos- I Bloody well should be. They mention me often enough!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The poor wretch was warped beyond recognition. To think that it was once human.

*he crouches down to examine the corpse and begins to laugh. The crew gets a better look and they join him. The dummy is a replica of SR1 Raziel.*

Raziel- *sarcastically* Oh yes, very funny. Ha ha ha.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- If it could be said that a land descended into madness, ‘twould be an accurate account of Dark Eden. A garden of horrors-

The Circle- *singing off-camera* Little shop, little shop of horrors-

Little shop, little shop of terror-

Director- Oh for God’s sake!

The Circle- Oh, oh-oh, you kno-oooow.

Director- Cut!

Mortanius- ‘Feed me Seymour, feed me!’ *the crew begins to laugh*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- I passed through the wall unharmed. It seemed the magic only preyed on things that were alive and pure. Or, perhaps it simply decided that I was twisted enough. *someone begins to laugh* Or not...

Director- Cut! What’s happened to his head?!

Bane- *a la Spaceballs* It’s on backwards!

Kain- *continuing the joke, looks down* Why didn’t somebody tell me my arse was so big?!

*people collapse from laughing so hard. Kain grins and pulls off his breastplate, revealing the illusion*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The surface of the castle belied its interior; for it was far larger inside than out. *Kain kills a monster and drinks its blood. He begins to lisp* With the powers the Thircle had at ith dithpothal, ‘twould have been thimple to dithtort thpace to accommodate thith thtrange thructhure.

Director- Cut! Kain, what’s wrong with you?

*Kain is messing with his tongue*

Kain- I think ith this blood. Ith done thomething to my tongue.

*the crew begins laughing*

Director- Okay! No more of the monster blood.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The sorcerer’s sanctuary, his laboratory. Inside was all manner of items arcane: pickled bodies, dissected corpses, both man and breast- *someone starts laughing* What? What did I say?

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- How convenient. This armor, wrought with the blood of noblemen, drains the blood from my enemies for me, leaving me to focus on the slaughter at hand.

*he puts it on. Suddenly there are many excited screams from off-camera*

Fan-girl- Oh baby! *about twenty girls rush Kain, who turns into a bat and flies off*

Director- Cut!! Who let them in here?!

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Ah, not one but three - DeJoule the Energizer-

DeJoule- Excuse me, it’s Energist. *Bane and Anarcrothe start laughing*

Anarcrothe- She keeps going, and going, and going-

*Kain grins wickedly at the camera*

Kain- I could say it, but it’s just too easy.

Director- *amused* Cut!

*beep-beep*

Kain- Ah, not one but three - DeJoule the Energist, Bane the Druid-

Anarcrothe- Funny, he doesn’t look Druish. *They start laughing*

Director- Cut! Can we hold off on the Spaceballs references, people?

*beep-beep*

Bane- So, the scourge of the Circle has arrived...

DeJoule- Fear him not, Bane - he is but a whelp; his flesh is ours for the taking.

*everyone pauses and looks at her*

Director- Cut! Uh, DeJoule, that’s soul, not flesh.

DeJoule- Is it? *she leers at Kain, who’s wearing the flesh armor*

*beep-beep

Anarcrothe- Don’t be ridiculous! Malek! To our aid! *nothing happens. He tries again* Malek! To our aid!

Director- Cut! Okay, where the hell is Malek?

Stagehand- He and Raziel are still going at it, sir.

Kain- *leering* Oh, they’re ‘going at it’ are they?

Director- Kain, get your mind outta the gutter!

*beep-beep*

Malek- Vengeance! Vengeance for my eternity of suffering!

Vorador- Whelp! As if you knew what eternity was! Grovel before your true master.

Malek- Never! I’ll hack you from crotch to gizzard and feed what’s left of you to your brides!

Vorador- *ad-libbing* Hah! You talk big, but you’re nothing more than a whiny little child, and I can see right through you!

*the cast and crew dissolve into laughter*

Malek- *wryly* How long have you been waiting to use that one?

Vorador- *chuckling* Oh hell, a century at least.

Director- *laughing helplessly* C-c-cut!

*beep-beep*

Malek- Never! I’ll hack you from crotch to gizzard and feed what’s left of you to your brides-

*The brides, standing just off-camera, cheer and rush forward.*

Director- NO! CUT, CUT, CUT! *the entirety of the male cast is running for their lives* Where the hell are the Vampire Lieutenants?! *Syvia walks up to him nervously*

Syvia- Raziel told me they’d finally tired the girls out and were stepping out for a few beers.

Director- *fretfully* Do you know when they’ll be back?

Syvia- *grimacing* Not really.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- As Vorador clashed against Malek, I gave pursuit to the fleeing wizards DeJoule and Bane . . . I danced their dance. When the time came, they would dance upon my sword!

*the camera pans over to the three of them. Kain’s iron sword is lying on the ground. Bane and DeJoule are standing on it, doing a tango.*

Director- CUT!

*beep-beep*

Bane- His magic is weak!

He is an affront to Nature itself, it is our duty to purify him!

DeJoule- Burn, baby, burn!

Director- CUT! DeJoule, you have read the script, right?

DeJoule- Yeah, but my lines are better.

Director- *his eyes are narrowed, voice deadly soft* Just follow the script.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Malek’s helmet, crowned with a plume of braided hair, torn from the scalps of his victims.

*a vampiress gasps, runs up to Kain and examines the braid. Her expression turns horrified*

Vampiress- Uncle Ignatius! Nooooo! *she collapses into Kain’s arms, sobbing*

Director- *subdued* Cut, guys.

*Kain gives a soft, long-suffering sigh and pats the girl on the back. Suddenly he jumps, yelping, and pushes the girl away. She falls back on her butt.*

Director- What happened?

Kain- She pinched me! *the Vampiress is sitting on the ground, completely calm, with a satisfied expression on her face*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The Helmet of Malek, I placed before the Pillar of Conflict. The Pillar accepted its offering; thus it was restored.

The act had taken on the feel of ritual. Isn’t it strange how we must bribe our gods to stay?

*he moves off to the next Pillar. the Pillar of Conflict suddenly shudders and a voice from the heavens clears its throat*

Kain- Oh! That’s right! *he goes back to the Conflict Pillar, leans against it, looks around out of narrowed eyes and covertly presses a few gold coins into the Pillar. The Pillar accepts the offering... er, bribe.*

Director- ...What the hell?

*beep-beep*

Ariel- You must seek Azimuth the Planer-

Kain- Plainer than what?

Ariel- Well, plainer than me, that’s for sure. *she preens a bit*

Azimuth- *off-camera* I’m sorry?

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Ariel- You must seek Azimuth the Planer at the heart of Avernus.

Three instruments await you, to aid you in your quest, but first you must rise and you must fall and find your salvation in between.

Kain- Can you be any more cryptic than that?

Ariel- *smiling* Were I to tell you something that I knew you knew, would that be the same as you being aware of something you knew I knew you knew?

*Kain’s eyes grow wide. He looks to the camera, then to Ariel, then to the camera, then runs off screaming.*

Director- *looking confused* Cut?

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- With this spell I can call upon the heavens to tear my enemies apart with its explosive power. Oh, how their bodies will rupture as the scything energy rips through them!

*he casts the Lightning spell. Extras run all over the place. They all fall as they’re struck with bolts of lightning. One manages to dodge a bolt, he steps into the place that was just struck.*

Kain- What are you doing?

Extra- Lightning never strikes in the same place- *BOOM* *The extra is now covered with soot, his hair standing on end* - *wheezing* twice. *he faints*

Director- O-kay. Cut.

*beep-beep*

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