Copyright © 2002 by Syvia (Aka Rebecca K. Friedrick). All Rights Reserved.

Disclaimer: I don’t own this stuff. Other people do.

Authors Notes: If you’d like to find the entire audio dialogue for Blood Omen written down, look in the same place I found it. http://www.nosgoth.net

The first person I’ve ever heard call Sarafan Raz an Uber-Git was Divine Shadow. *grins* Soul Reaver take 3 is based on that. ~_^

Take 2 was based on a ‘Who’s line’ episode I saw. *giggles*

Take 4&5 of Azimuth were inspired by a bit in Ryoken’s bloopers.

Kain VO- The gate of Avernus opened slowly before me, daring me to cross the threshold. Who was I to reject such an invitation?

*The doors creek open. Kain looks at them warily and then approaches. He gets to the threshold and the doors suddenly slam in his face.*

Kain- OW! #$%@! *he steps back, holding his nose. The special effects people are laughing* Oh yes, that was absolutely hilarious. *Kain rubs his forehead with his middle finger*

Director- Cut.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The city was paved in blood and flesh. Yet, what would have appalled in my life only tempted me in death. Once I would have felt horror; now only hunger remained.

*he staggers down the road, looking ravenously at the corpses. Kain fails to watch where he is going and slips on some fake intestines and falls flat on his back. People begin laughing. He just lays there.*

Director- Cut! Kain? Are you hurt?

Kain- Only my pride.

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- The beast paused for a moment, drooling in anticipation of the fine meal he saw before him. To his disappointment, he would not find me such easy prey.

*Sarafan Raziel walks out of the shadows.*

Sar Raz- Hey! That’s my line!

Director- Cut! I’m this close to declaring this a closed set!!!!!

*Soul Reaver Raziel looks up from chatting with Janos*

SR Raz- You again?! Why you bastard! *he runs up to the Sarafan*

Director- Security!!!!!!!

*A large group of Turelim Vampries rush up and separate the two Raziels*

*beep-beep*

*Before the take, Kain is talking with one of the huge demons*

Richard the Demon- *in a Boston accent (AN: Think Major Winchester from M*A*S*H)* -and if I do well in this game, I’ll be considered for a part in Soul Reaver 2... perhaps even Blood Omen 2.

Kain- Well I’ll certainly remember your name. From what I’ve seen so far, you’re the best of the lot.

Richard- *smiling* Thank you ever so much.

Director- Okay people, quiet on the set!

Stagehand- Speed. Marker.

Director- Action!

Kain VO- I felt its eyes upon me, eager, hungry, as if it longed to rip my heart out and eat it before me as I died. I laughed as the onslaught began. Perhaps when it was over, it would be the other way around.

*Richard snarls and lunges at Kain, who dodges. They begin to fight in earnest.*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Avernus was a religious autocracy, with the Cathedral as its dais of power. Though the city lay in ruins, the Cathedral remained untouched. The demons knew better than to bite the hand that feeds them . . .

*Azimuth casually walks by with a bandaged hand. Kain sees her and begins laughing.*

Director- Cut! Azimuth, you’re not supposed to be on here yet.

Azimuth- *blushes, pulls the bandage off* Mortanius told me to do it. *the other circle members are laughing*

*beep-beep*

*Kain examines the book, grins and begins reading*

Kain- “Well Diary, hopefully third time’s a charm, because Vorador has rejected me as well, but I hold out more hope for Malek. After all- he’s got that enormous spear, and I’m sure it’s good for more than sticking vampires.”

*off-camera Mobius screams, enraged, and has to be held back by a group of Turelim Vampires.*

Director- *managing not to laugh* Cut!

*Mobius manages to gain control over himself*

Mobius- I’m going to find and whoever has been writing those books, and I’m going to mutilate them. Excuse me, won’t you? *he walks off*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Time fades even legend, and the origin of the Soul Reaver has been lost long ago. But its purpose remains - to feed on the souls of any creature it strikes. Kindred, this blade and I.

Raziel- *off camera* Da-da... da-da.

Kain- *grins and begins talking in baby talk* Awww, isn’t it a cute widdle wreaver?

Director- Ugh. *rolls his eyes* Cut!

*The Soul Reaver is humming, blue-violet energy rippling over the blade. Kain holds the Reaver up to get a better look at it. His facial expression grows curious and he puts the blade close to his ear*

Kain- *eyebrows quirking* What? Hash’ak’gik is my master?!

Director- What!? Cut!

*beep-beep*

*Kain holds the Reaver up to his ear again*

Kain- Head towards the light... head towards the light...

Director- Cut! Kain would you stop?

Kain- *He holds up his hand* I swear to God, the sword is talking to me.

Director- *sighs* What is it saying?

Kain- *listening* Sarafan Raziel is an Uber-Git and deserves to be impaled on a rusty spear...

Sara Raz- Hey!

*The director runs up and takes the blade. He deactivates the light effects and holds the Reaver up to his ear*

Director- *his eyes widen, he begins singing* Nobooody knows- the trouble I’ve seen... nobody knows but Jesus.... What the hell?

*beep-beep*

Director- *still examining the Reaver with the help of a stagehand* Okay, there’s a panel here- *the stagehand opens it*

Stagehand- What the hell is that? *he pulls out a little speaker*

Microphone- I’m a soul- man!

Dada da-da, dada-dada

I’m a soul- man!

Director- Is that Raziel?

*another stagehand suddenly whistles to get their attention and points to a curtain over in a corner. The Director and the stagehands run over and fling the curtain open*

Raziel- *singing* I’m a sooooul- man!!!! I- *he looks over and sees them* Uh... *he disappears into the Spectral Realm, his earpiece and microphone drop to the floor*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- This armor was spawned in the most impure of spirit forges; tempered from the seething agony of tortured souls. The metal exists only partially in the human realm, causing it to fade between tangible and ethereal states.

*he’s wearing it when suddenly the sun comes up. The armor fades and wolf whistles come from the female members of the cast. Kain is suddenly standing in nothing but his Bruce Wayne boxers. Dejoule and Azimuth begin singing the Batman theme song again*

Kain- Oh shut up! *he pulls on the chaos armor*

Dejoule- *whining* Awww! Bring out the flesh armor!

*beep-beep*

Azimuth- Ah, what’s this? I had not even realized the blade and the raiment were here. You wear those trinkets well, Kain. But I do believe that they would look better on me.

Kain- *ad-libbing* Well, hell, why not? You’ve got the figure for it, after all!

Azimuth- *dangerously* Excuse me?

Director- *hastily* Cut!

Kain VO- The Matriarch of Avernus, the Lady Azimuth: her magical planing skills summoned demons through runes inscribed in human blood.

*Kain wipes a finger through one of the runes and tastes it with a grin*

Azimuth- No! Do you know what you’ve done!?

Kain- What?

*a hole appears in the air and a figure drops in from another dimension. Kain and Azimuth stare at it in horror*

????- Pika?

*Kain and Azimuth run away screaming. Pikachu watches them and looks towards the camera.*

Pikachu- Pika-chu?

Director- Cut! Uh... someone call Nintendo and tell them to come get their... thing.

*beep-beep*

Azimuth- Come to me my children! We shall ravage Nosgoth together! So, little man, have they sent you to stop me? My children shall rip you apart!

*the demons are a little too enthusiastic. One takes Kain’s left arm and leg, the other takes his right and they begin to pull*

Kain- *screams*

Director- *whispering* Wow... he’s a very good actor.

Azimuth- *confused* I didn’t mean literally... *a horrified expression appears on her face* Somebody stop them- this is for real!

Director- Cut! CUT!!!! *five Turelim begin firing force projectile at the demons. They drop Kain and go after their attackers, who manage to pin them to the ground* Call a doctor!

Kain- *healing slowly* No... that won’t be necessary. *he groans and sits up*

Director- You sure you’re okay?

*Kain breathes deeply and nods*

*beep-beep*

Azimuth- Come, my demons. Let us sup on vampire blood!

*Kain takes out the Soul Reaver and kills the demons in a minute flat*

Director- CUT!

Kain- Now I really feel better. *gives a bloodthirsty smile*

Director- Uh... did you have to be so forceful?

*Kain nods happily*

*beep-beep*

Kain VO- Strange runes litter its metallic surface. ‘Tis with caution that I carry this mysterious device.

*Kain trips and drops the Device, which shatters*

Kain- Ooops...

Director- Cut! *sighs*

*beep-beep*

Ariel- Well done. You have found Moebius’ toy. Azimuth, not content with summoning demonic thralls, stole the Time Streaming Device in order to gather creatures from other ages as well-

Mobius- *off-camera* You bitch! I knew someone had stolen it!

Director- Cut.

Azimuth- *also off-camera, ignoring the Director* You left it in my chambers last night!

Other members of the circle- Ooooooooh!

Dejoule- But I thought he was gay.

Mobius- I am not gay. Those books were someone’s idea of a prank!

*beep-beep*

Ariel- Time Streaming Device in order to gather creatures from other ages as well. Take care of the device, Kain. It will deliver you in time.

The Legends of the Nemisis- *she gasps, covers her mouth with her hand* I meant Legions!

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Ariel- But, as his army grew in strength and he himself grew in power, the veil of tyranny fell...

Kain- *interrupting* And that wasn’t the only thing.

*the pillar of Dimension tumbles to the ground*

Director- Cut!

Female Producer- Hah! That was under fifteen minutes, pay up!

*grumbling, the Director hands over a fifty dollar bill*

*beep-beep*

Ariel- Willendorf will be sure to follow.

Kain- The Nemisis must be stopped or all shall be lost... shit! I’m sorry-

Ariel- *grinning* Why, yes... how did you know?

*laughter*

Director- Cut!

*beep-beep*

Mobius- *glaring at Syvia* I. Hate. You.

Syvia- *smiles* I try.

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