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Is there any part of your
Psyche that you still consider (no matter how
vaguely) to be female?
I can be totally honest and
say yes, but I can also be totally honest and say
no. I have to go through life as a Schizophrenic
really. Or at least a "split
personality", if you like.
By this I mean that I often come into contact
with people who knew me as a child, family and
friends of yesteryear, who have never accepted
this "change" in what they call
"my lifestyle." To them that is all it
is. Something I chose to do and which could quite
easily be undone if I handed the problem
"over to the Lord"! When I am amongst
these members of my family, they treat me as that
"little girl" they knew way back when.
It becomes embarrassing for everyone concerned,
so recently I stopped attending family
gatherings.
Yet there are times when they are unavoidable -
like funerals and weddings. I missed two because
of it. At one very recent funeral, for example,
someone who had not seen me in years and was
suddenly confronted with me in a suit, actually
shook my hand and said "Pleased to meet
you!" And then she turned to my sister and
asked where I (birth name) was! To save us all
embarrassment, I walked away. My sister later
told me she just said "Somewhere
around!"
When I say "No" I mean that I don't in
any way consider myself as female anymore - I
don't think I ever really did. I always felt very
uncomfortable doing or dressing in even the most
remotely feminine way. Even while at school, I
used to go to school wearing jeans, and then
changing into school uniform at school. In
another instance I had my brother write a letter
to the PE teacher saying I'm not allowed to
participate in anything strenuous for some or
other physical illness! Even now it is difficult
writing this and even admitting that I at any
time wore female clothing!
When I think about making love to a woman, I
think about it as doing it in the way a man
would. But obviously, when it comes down to the
physical act itself, there is no way I can,
unless I make use of artificial measures like
strap-ons and dildos. I never have, because that
seems too contrived for me. So I make use of what
I have.
This has been the most difficult part of not
being physically male. While I am fully clothed I
can and do actually forget that I don't have a
penis. It always comes as a great shock when I
undress and find there's nothing dangling there.
And I don't mean to be melodramatic or crude
about it, it's just the way it is!
I find this all very
interesting and it also makes me feel incredibly
fortunate to have always felt fairly comfortable
in the body I was born with. It seems that a lot
of issues arising are actually other people's -
the way they have a hard time even knowing how to
perceive you. I get an impression of you busily
processing all the transformations necessary and
then being intermittently being jolted out of
your own reality by being confronted with someone
else's. Must be tough being constantly asked to
define yourself and explain yourself. Perhaps
even being confronted by your own 'alien' body
seems invasive?
The 'contrived' perception of using artificial
sex toys is also rather sad. I mean, there's a
certain stage in many relationships when toys are
just plain exciting. I am speaking from a lesbian
point of view here though, but hey, straight
people use toys too!
It's interesting that your 'former identity' if
you will is represented by the parenthetical
(birth name). As if there's no love at all for
that other Charl. I had the same hassle with a
therapist trying to get me to be kind to my inner
child.
It is easy to accept and treat you as male if
that's the way one first met you I guess. If
there's no baggage and history and personal
projection. At the end of the day, the people we
choose to inhabit our 'inner circle' are mirrors
of ourselves in certain ways. And if we're
uncomfortable with our own identity, it's easy to
challenge someone else's and take exception to
it.
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