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Do you think you'll ever want to
understand your 'former female self' better, or
are you only focused on the future? I think your
answer to this one will be fascinating,
considering your interest in historical matters?
I spent many months in
hospitals over a period of many years trying to
accept my body as it still is instead of pining
for what I may never have. Part of that process
was getting to understand the "former female
self" in order to understand the depression
I often fall victim to.
In the early stages of non-acceptance I admit I
tried to rationalise and intellectualise what was
happening to me. Or rather what had happened. (It
wasn't happening. It was already there. I just
had to see it.) I argued that something which
happened during my childhood and adolescent years
must have contributed to the revulsion
I felt for my physical body and the decision not
to go through the rest of my life as a female.
I do understand my "former female
self". I understand that that person was a
very unhappy person - also a very sick person. It
is significant that after I started proceedings
for gender-reassignment surgery, I have never
again been admitted into a hospital. And I am now
twelve years down the line since my last
admission. More significant is the fact that
since the first operation which effectively made
me "non-woman", I have been able to
cope with life on the minimum of medication; I
have changed from a very heavy drinker (almost
alcoholic proportions) to a social drinker who
can take it or leave it.
I have to focus on the future. But I also
understand that my past has a lot to do with the
way I handle my present and the way my future is
going to turn out. One of the greatest benefits
of having set out to understand my "former
female self " (love this term!), is that I
can now accept (even if I cannot love) my body as
it is.
I might never be able to afford the final
operation, and this realization kept me in
constant depression. With acceptance has come the
knowledge that in the meantime I can still have
meaningful, satisfying relationships. I am having
a penile prosthesis made which will be surgically
attached. But I am not waiting until then to
enjoy a social life or (hopefully) a healthy sex
life!
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