Rachel Young

friday, october 5, 2001

This year has been all about taking chances for me. To do the things I always wanted to but was always too scared to try. So all I could do was dream and talk about it. But at some point, it wasn’t enough.

At the end of February, I quit a job working for a company I would have adored had it not been for its company politics (largely created by one particular executive of the company). I had my own office with a window, a personal assistant, and was managing a small team under me. I was included as part of the Senior staff, involved in making some very important decisions in where the company was going and how it was going to get there.

It’s what most business majors straight out of undergrad dream of doing, and here I was in the thick of it all. On the fast track to the top of the corporate ladder . . .

And I was miserable.

I spent 60 to 70 hours a week in the office, literally spending every waking minute thinking about work. Physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted each night, I had to ask myself, is this worth it? Is this what I want for the rest of my life? Is this how I want to spend the remainder of my youthful days (as quickly fleeting as they are)?

And obviously, the answer was NO. NO. NO. I wanted more.

With advance notice given at the beginning of the year, I turned in my resignation letter and left. I had no definitive back up plan, as I was still interviewing for possible positions in the DC area. But I couldn’t take one day more of it. I already committed two years to the company, and that was it for me.

One month later, I found myself at an advertising company only to find my way out a couple months later. I never realized just how greedy and ruthless people really were until I took that job. And it’s not my intention to involve myself with people like that again, if I can help it.

So for the majority of 2001, I’ve spent my months wandering aimlessly confused. What do I really want? It took me a while to figure this out because what I thought I wanted was always contingent on what other people expected of me. I spent many days questioning myself, my motives, my actions. Wondering if I had made a wise decision and had done the right thing. But I knew my heart was set on something else--my writing and my music.

I know I’m always full of contradictions, but this year was one of the most confusing times for me, as well as the most enlightening and thrilling. Friends and family knew I had been itching to move for some time, and after telling myself it’s now or never, I chose now. Now and not five years later when it was too late. There was no time like now when inevitable change didn’t scare me like it used to.

So after miraculously finding a great place in the New York area, I packed up my things, said goodbye to loved ones, and headed up north. Once again, there was no definitive job waiting for me and this caused a great deal of stress for me in the first month here. I started questioning myself. What am I doing? Am I completely nuts? The job market was tough as hell, but something deep inside of me kept saying, “So what? You’re tougher. You managed to get this far, and nothing is going to stop you, you numbskull!” (I like to give myself pep talks every now and then).

Going through the various temp jobs has actually been kind of fun (minus the fact the pay isn’t as much as I’d be making full-time). It's given me time to explore both my options and the city. It's been ideal, and I've been lucky enough to get a consistent string of jobs each week. But then suddenly, September 11th came along and changed everything. And though my problems were trivial in light of everything that had happened, I couldn’t help but wonder what am I going to do now??? No one’s hiring. No one’s even looking for temps now. I was completely screwed.

Then I got a call from my recruiter one week after the tragedy. And everything just kind of fell into place.

In the same grief-stricken city, there was a mild, soft-spoken but very passionate middle-aged Caucasian woman who was so overwhelmed by the entire incident, she decided it was time to leave her current employer and pursue her other passion and part-time career of ancient Zen healing. She felt an inner sense that now was the time to focus on this aspect of her life. It couldn't wait any longer.

So she left her comfortable job with this rather renown company to pursue her own means of happiness and peace in her life. Her last day at the company was spent training a fellow dreamer who was tentatively going to replace her. And now I’ve found myself sitting behind the desk she once occupied finding my own sense of happiness. It’s incredible how ideal this job has been for me. It is nowhere as stressful or demanding as my prior jobs, and the pay is good enough that it will take me out of debt within a couple years. And it will allot me the time and financial capital I need to follow my heart's true desire.

With a good deal of free time on my hand, I can sit here and appreciate how the little pieces of the big puzzle start falling into place, and how God is always watching out for pig-headed, stubborn, little ol' me.

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