Rachel Young

wednesday, september 5, 2001

Already September. I can't believe the summer has flown by so fast.

I have an odd love-hate relationship with this month. It’s the time of my favorite season when the leaves on the trees take on their amber hue and the air is cool and crisp. It’s the time for long-sleeved shirts and sweaters paired with jeans and a good pair of boots. The time to sit curled up underneath the covers with a good book and a hot cup of tea, feet covered by the warmth of worn fuzzy socks.

I love September and yet I dread it every year. As the fourth week of the ninth month approaches each year, I become solemn and reflective (even more so than I usually am). Each year, I realize I’m one year older though not necessarily one year wiser.

This year is no exception.

At midnight this evening, I went on my usual evening stroll. But this time, I didn't take my walkman with me. No loud music blaring into my ears to distract my thoughts. Nothing but me, the city skyline, the midnight breeze, and the cement pavement beneath my feet. But as the cool breeze touched my skin, I could feel a knot forming in my chest. It’s not because I’m poorly out of shape, but because my mind wandered off to things that make my heart wrench every time I think about it.

It's amazing how much garbage you can collect in 25 years. Both the literal and figurative form of the word. It’s the latter that gets me every time.

I know I'll eventually have to deal with some of this "collective garbage" to get on with my life. Come face to face with all the past demons that haunt me in my dreams and pollute my thoughts. Things that shouldn't matter any more but still have the power to make me want to curl into a ball and hide somewhere far far away.

I think being here on my own will help me find whatever it is I need to move on with my life. And maybe one of these days as the ninth month of the year approaches, I'll actually look forward to it knowing I'm a whole person again. This is what I long for.

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