thursday, september 6, 2001
You always wonder if the decisions you make are the right ones. But who’s to say a decision is right or wrong? I believe that the choices we make are neither right or wrong nor are they better or worse. The only difference in the decisions we make lies in the outcome.
I didn’t always think this way. I used to believe there were definitive right and wrong choices. There was black or white, either or.
So often I’ve prepared the pros vs. cons list in making some very important decisions in my life. What college to go to, what to major in, what job to take, where to move next, is he right for me. Over the years, I’ve come to realize the decisions I’ve made haven’t necessarily been right or wrong. Nor better or worse. They just are.
Right now, I’m faced with a certain dilemma. Choices I have to make about my future. Where I want to be, what I want to focus on, what makes me happy. I tell myself I don’t want to look back years from now regretting the decisions I make today. But regret is such a waste of time and energy. You can’t turn back the clock. You can’t take back those minutes, those hours, those days. You can’t wish things were different or continually ask yourself what if.
And yet I find myself doing it fairly often.
So what if I do take this job? Will I end up hating my life or feeling as though I’ve settled? What joy will it give me and what kind of toll will it take on me physically, emotionally, and spiritually? Will I find fulfillment in what I do? In the end, what will it all amount to?
I ask myself these questions over and over again and the answer is always the same.
You simply live and learn. There is no crystal ball. No foreshadowing of what my life will be like. No definitive yes or no’s. I can only learn from experience. So dating that jerk, taking that lame job, moving to the Big Apple are all little dots along the learning and living curve.
I don’t know if that makes sense to any one else out there, but this is what works for me. Just gotta go with your gut feeling and not ponder away your thoughts on the gazillion what ifs and maybes. Part of what makes life so interesting is taking those chances and seeing where it’ll take you. That's how I ended up in a city where I don't know anyone and don't even have a frickin' job. I always get a curious look when I tell people I just moved here and then after I explain my situation, they always comment on how "brave" I am. But it's not a matter of being brave for me. I was just following my gut instinct.
It’s definitely been one hell of a ride so far, and it's just the beginning.
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Copyright © 2001 Rachel Young
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