saturday, september 8, 2001
I finally saw my roommate late last night (it’s been a week). I completely forgot about her performance this weekend which I promised I would try to check out. But in typical Rachel fashion, I ended up declining the invitation and spent the day exploring Jersey (nothing much to see), running errands and working on my songs instead. She’s got tons of friends, her boyfriend, and her parents going to support her. I know my absence won’t mean anything.
I find myself dreading the thought of having to interact in large groups more and more as I get older. I’ve never been fond of them in the first place, but now if I can somehow avoid them, I will. Ironically, New York seems to be the perfect place for this. You have millions of people clustered in one tiny city and yet you can still seclude yourself as a total loner. Adding to the irony is the fact I'm probably the most sociable, friendly, and outgoing person you could meet in a group. Go figure.
Yet my roommate, like others, probably feel some level of sympathy for me worrying that I may be lonely here in New York. How can someone not get lonely spending so much time by themselves, they often wonder. If only they understood this is what I want.
For some reason, loneliness is something I rarely feel. In part because I've always been the type to do things on my own, and also because of the core group of people in my life. Most people are fortunate if they have one or two people who they can regard as true friends. Those who without fail are there to support and encourage you in a moment’s notice. Those who have stood by your side time and time again, even in your darkest hours. Those friends who come to your rescue when you don’t even realize just yet how desperately you need them at that point. Those who know all too well your many inadequacies and weaknesses and still love you for it.
I don’t have just one or two such friends. I’ve got more than I can count on two hands, and it’s something I often take for granted. Someone pointed out to me recently how lucky I am to have such a strong group of friends I know I can rely on. And when he said that, it made me realize once again how truly blessed I am. I keep them in my thoughts, and I know they do the same for me. And I don’t say this to sound modest, but in all honesty, I don’t deserve these friends in my life. Sometimes I have to wonder why they even put up with me. But I’m always grateful that they do.
So yeah, I’m finally going to hang out with Rob next weekend. Odd that I haven’t seen him since I moved here. Before when I’d make a trip to the city, he’d alter his schedule just to make sure he could fit me in for lunch or dinner. Now that we live 15 minutes apart, we take for granted each other’s presence and figure we’ve always got next weekend to hang out. That’s the problem with having two non-demanding friends trying to maintain their close friendship. If someone doesn’t take the initiative, it could be months and months before one gets in touch with the other. But then again, neither of us would probably mind and it wouldn’t alter our relationship at all. It’s strange how it works.
I know a lot of people tend to base the value of friendships on how often you keep in touch. But I, being as terrible as I am with staying in touch, would have to argue otherwise. My closest friends are the ones I can call up and see every two or three weeks and talk as if no time had passed since our last conversation. I tend to have a hard time maintaining friendships with people who require a daily form of communication and are in need of constant interaction.
It’s just too much for a loner like me to handle. And I’m sure all of my close friends would attest to this.
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Copyright © 2001 Rachel Young
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