wednesday, august 15, 2001
The dirty “b” word. You think of characters like Benedict Arnold whose name has become synonymous with the term traitor. It’s the word that leaves a lump in my throat and makes me wary of trusting too easily. It makes me understand where the phrase “stabbed in the back” comes from, because the sharp pain it leaves on your entire body, mind, and soul is sometimes too excruciating to bear.
Betrayal. It’s a very dirty word.
I’m reading It Happened in Boston? by Russell Greenan. It’s a book that’s been sitting on my shelf for over six years, and I have now just opened it up. Greenan is a spellbinding writer although some may consider his stories a bit twisted. I just happen to think he views things from a different and very interesting perspective, and oddly enough, I feel I can relate in some ways to the strange and somewhat neurotic narrator in the novel. In the story, one of the characters is betrayed by someone he’s befriended and has become very close with. After experiencing this betrayal, his friend says, “I’m the one who made the mistake. I’m like that other trusting soul—the one who said, ‘If anyone’s looking for me, Judas, I’ll be down in the garden.’”
As I read this account while riding the bus back home this afternoon, I could feel every inch of my body become tense and I literally wanted to wring this traitor’s neck. I can say that I’ve been fortunate enough not to have experienced the kind of backstabbing and betrayal this character in Greenan’s novel or Jesus Christ himself experienced. But I’m also no stranger to it. Be it the account executive who took it upon herself to try and ruin my reputation, or the guy who whispered sweet nothings in my ear only to gain the opportunity to do so in my friend’s, or the gentleman who offered me the fast track to a very promising career only to discover later that he expected a little something something in return, or the friend who I confided in only to realize my secret would soon be everyone's business on account of her.
It’s the worst feeling. To take your chance and place that trust in someone only to realize what a mistake it was. Experience it enough and it makes you cynical and wary of letting your guard down. It makes you second guess everyone’s intention and motive. It makes you hard and sometimes unforgiving.
And that’s the not the type of person I want to be. I don’t always want to be wondering “what’s up their sleeve?” And yet, I’ve grown up and experienced enough to never take things at face value anymore. I’ve lost a lot of the naivete of my former days.
But I will always give people a chance. However, one bad move and it’s over. There is no redemption. No second chances. I’m not as forgiving as the good Lord is and the Judas Iscariots in my life know this all too well.
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On a much lighter, happier and non-related note: HAPPY 26th ANNIVERSARY to my parents--two of the dearest souls in my life!
Also a hello to Waslee who is just an absolutely eloquent writer and a very sweet guy. Check out his cool website.
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Copyright © 2001 Rachel Young
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