Rachel Young

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You spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it okay
There’s always some reason not to feel good enough
And it’s hard at the end of the day
You need some distraction, beautiful relief
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty, weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight
-"Angel" by Sarah McLachlan

tuesday, october 16, 2001

My problem is I expect too much. In fact, my expectations are usually so high, they’re impossible. And with such expectations come heartache and disappointment like you’d never believe. So over the past year or so, I’ve learned to lower my expectations. I adapted the nonchalant attitude toward everything and everyone. You do your thing. I’ll do mine. Whatever happens, happens. No big deal.

I tried to explain to a very good friend of mine once why I was so terrible at keeping in touch. Why my efforts at maintaining a friendship was so feeble compared to everyone else in our circle of friends. Why I sometimes come across as if I didn’t care at all.

The problem is I care too much.

If you don’t expect anything from me, I can’t hurt you. And vice versa. It’s safe. It’s a lame and wimpy way to live life, but I needed to feel safe after having been hurt so many times and having hurt and disappointed so many others.

But recently, I found myself wandering off into the unsafe zone and letting my expectations get ahead of myself. And today, I was reminded why I try to prevent that from happening. It hurts like crazy when it doesn't turn out just right.

Funny the things we do to make ourselves feel better. I went to the local Burger King and ordered a large BK Broiler meal and then went to the local grocery store and bought myself a half gallon of Butter Pecan ice cream. 5000+ calories and a tummy ache later, I think I’m gonna be alright.

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