Rachel Young

tuesday, october 23, 2001

I spent the past 24 hours being so depressed out of my mind, I thought I was losing it. I’ve been trying to sort things out in my head, which ultimately led me to pretend and play make-believe that everything was and would be okay. Trying to tell myself that life is not always fair and that I simply had to make do with what I’ve been given. That this wouldn’t be the first time I’ve come across a stumbling block. Nor the first pit I’ve fallen deep into.

It amazes me just how weak I can be and how strong He is. In my low moments, I often think there is no way out. Not this time. Not this instance. In those moments, I simply want to disappear along with the rest of my problems. But in the end, He always comforts me somehow.

I came home last night thinking I would cry my little heart out until I simply couldn’t cry anymore. But when I walked into my room, I laid on my bed, turned on the stereo and washed my worries away in the music. No tears. No screaming at the top of my lungs. Nothing but the beautiful sound of Rita Springer's voice. I thank God for the power, inspiration, and encouragement in her music. She got me through some very tough times in college. And years later, she still has the same effect (thank you so much for the cd, P).

I wanted to ask God so many questions. I wanted to know “why this” and “why that”. I wanted Him to tell me everything was going to be okay. I wanted to know He was watching over me. I needed to know I was not a failure. I was not a disappointment. I was not a lost cause. That whatever investment or sacrifice anyone made on my behalf was not in vain.

I asked God to give me faith. To give me a heart that truly believed in His goodness, His sovereignty, His power and His grace even in times of hardship and trial. I doubt Him so often, I have to wonder how I can possibly call myself a Christian sometimes. I question His ultimate goodness. His abounding grace. His forgiveness. His unconditional love for me. How is it that Someone can love me so much, He can see past all my flaws? He can forgive me in my moments of rage. My moments of doubt. My moments of unbelief.

It’s so beyond me, and yet I know it’s true.

Today, my eyes were opened to see God’s goodness. Before I would have said something like, “God showed me His goodness today.” But He didn't show me anything that wasn't there before. God’s goodness is all around. God is consistent. God is never-changing. The God that parted the Red Sea, that walked on water, that healed the blind and cleansed the lepers, and who rose from the grave is the same God now that He was then. His goodness is not something that appears only when good things happen and disappear when you feel the world is crumbling.

I need to learn this and accept this as truth. I need to have an unshakable faith, a firm foundation that will help me overcome the doubts and fears that haunt me.

God is good and I'm resting in His loving arms.

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