Rachel Young

sunday, november 3, 2002

I am often torn in trying to understand where and how God wants me to serve Him and His people. In college, I had been so involved in every aspect of ministry – serving the fellowship, the small groups, the praise band, the community, the church, the leaders, the staff – it had become my life. I finally had to question what my motivation was – was it to please the Lord or was it to please the people? In my heart, I knew the answer. And so I stepped down and out of ministry.

It’s been over two years now, and I can hear the Lord beckoning me to serve again. And my reply to Him is always, “I’m not ready. I have nothing to give. Nothing to offer. Lord, I’m afraid.”

But He works in and through our lives anyway.

Somewhat on a tangent . . . in April of this past year, my heart was cold and unfeeling. I could feel my spiritual life being sucked away by the apathy, but the Lord saved me from completely drowning in it. For the next couple months, I prayed diligently for something I was afraid to ask before.

"Lord, would you break me? Humble me and mold me to be more like You.”

The last time I asked for that, I found myself in a hospital for 11 days, undergoing 3 major operations, months of physical therapy, and years of financial burden. For months, I wasn't able to run around from one meeting to another, doing this and doing that the way I had been. I was forced to sit still in His presence, and it was exactly what I needed. And though ultimately I was blessed by the Lord’s deliverance, I was not quite ready to ever ask for that again (at least not without being specific – i.e. no physical breaking, please.)

So I'm not sure what I was thinking back in April of this year, but I know the Lord’s been answering my prayer. Life had been so perfect and dandy, leaving me complacent and dry in my spiritual life. Then by the end of summer and through a series of painful events, I experienced heartbreak and sadness like no other. I could hardly wake up in the mornings without feeling my heart would shatter in a million pieces; the pain and hurt so suffocating, I could barely breathe properly. It pierced every part of my being.

I asked the Lord to take the hurt away.

Over time, He healed those wounds and made me realize He is the one I need to place my trust and hope in. And I'm reminded that whatever circumstances may occur in my life, He will be there.

My prayer is that I will be just as faithful.

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