So there you were, my little boy.
I had such a mix of emotions. Your arrogance annoyed me.
My pride was hurt, for I once loved that childishness.
I grieve over the thoughts because I know you could have been more.
For the first time I was discussed to see you.
Your words and actions proved how little you knew me.
This hurt my pride all the more.
I saw the way you always treated me.
Only now fragile emotions didn't blind me from the truth.
08/17/99
On the Surface.
You put me too high upon this pedestal.
Shall I play your game of simple perfection?
Act like this gentle Chimera you observer to be.
Pass the point of admiration, to the point of correction.
You Hang on my words, quick to correct me when my tone is off.
You adore my beauty, but criticize when i wear something out of taste.
You hold me in an illusion. Denote the values and Ideals I hold.
All I ever wanted was to walk with my feet on the ground.
To be myself and let it be. Love myself and be free.
Late 90's.
Strong Enough.
I feel lost.
I'm in a world where I do not see, I can't understand and I don't know what I feel.
The lessons being taught seen to elude me. I feel stupid, child like. In a world were I need to be a strong adult I am in fact a helpless, hopeless child.
I am beyond frustration, beyond tangible hope. Anger and hate pale in comparison to the emotions I feel.
I don't seem to get it. I can't feel. I don't understand and above all I feel that I've let you down.
With every passing day, every moment I live in the shadows. I am not by your side and I force you to work twice as hard. I let you down and I feel stupid, worthless. Then I feel guilt for it all.
For my blindness, for my frustration and for not having the strength you see in me. guilt for all that I'm not and all you think I could be.
2001
Cherish
I saw you. It left be feeling unaware and a little scared.
You stuck a chord in me. I felt my soul rejoice.
With in me something was brought alive.
Like being drown in the holiest water; your voice gave me a feeling of awakening, like being reborn.
I felt strange feelings long forgotten. I feel for you with out thought, with out worry.
My heart leapt, my breath shuttered. I saw your face and forgot my worries.
With you I feel a safety, a emotional security.
For once I truly believed I would not be hurt.
I felt I could trust you, love you. It gave me a feel of wholeness.
You complete me. Something I felt I loss, you gave back.
Now I lay here, I hear your breathe and know this is where I belong.
No matter what as long as you are here nothing can hurt me.
Life will lash and bruise me, but you complete me.
Now I feel whole.
05/15/01
Surrender
There are so may thing I want to do. So many words I'd love to speak, but that's not me.
To stand before you and slide around you in an erotic dance. Dress in sexy lingerie, lay on the bed hungrily, again not with in me.
I could speak in intimate tones and speak softly between my words, but truly how believable would that be?
I can though, breathe in your breath. My heart can match your beat. My body moves with yours. My voice speaks to your soul.
I may not be sexual, may not be sensuous or graceful. But i am in love and always feel you beneath my skin.
Your voice speaks to my soul. I love you deeply and will always be yours, with you now, forever.
05/15/01