This young gentleman of 18 years shared with me his difficulties being around other people, and his resulting anxiety. During a talk which lasted about 45 minutes he talked about his basis sense of isolation from others. realize2actualize: how have you been? Jay: ive been alright, still have my anxiety attacks and freak outs when im around people, its hard..but things will get better. I just wish i could open up and see..its just ive began to become numb to everything. Jay: so many people around i dont see.. Jay: which i dont have to see the.. Jay: its just i dont know.. Jay: yes realize2actualize: you can and will learn realize2actualize: it's all a process that takes time and effort Jay: true, its just this feeling of annoyance within.. Jay: i dont understand what it is.. realize2actualize: mmmh realize2actualize: you always had that? Jay: well im taking pills.. Jay: ridlin.. Jay: lol which is kinda sad..but yeah.. realize2actualize: not good realize2actualize: sorry, I don't like medication Jay: lol my mother is all for that, she hates medication.. Jay: she isnt with me no.. Jay: but im sure she is "listening" realize2actualize: especially for mental illness, which to me is very misdiagnosed when it comes to understanding what the root of the problem is Jay: true realize2actualize: so, why you taking the meds? Jay: well, my anxiety has gotten crazy, i get lost within others emotions, and thoughts, and confused as to whats going on..i loose myself and then freak out..social wise? has gone way below, I used to be pretty social..and now i just turned myself into a spider.. Jay: ya know. Jay: and the energy, and God, and Jay: things.. realize2actualize: interesting Jay: family life.. realize2actualize: seems pretty complex to me Jay: pretty much ive become kinda numb to my heart, and its sad.. realize2actualize: very sad realize2actualize: as the heart is what gives your life meaning and direction Jay: exactly realize2actualize: it's where your passion and creativity lies Jay: true realize2actualize: but you having shut yourself up from all emotions and feelings I am sure has a reason realize2actualize: what do you think it is that could serve you being numb to your heart? realize2actualize: I am sure there is somthing that makes it easier for you this way realize2actualize: maybe if you can explore those reasons you will find  the answer to what it is that got you to be this way realize2actualize: and what it is you can do in order to open up more Jay: my family, and thier emotions, i get so angry at myself, cause im so numb to my heart as well, i should be crying, confidant, and helping all them, but im numb, therefore show nothing.. realize2actualize: so your family life is the reason, and you get angry at yourself realize2actualize: for what? Cause you get mumb, but maybe you get numb cause you are so angry with yourself Jay: thats true. Jay: its like i lost myself.. realize2actualize: anger is an emotion that is not very helpful, you know realize2actualize: does not change anything Jay: anger.. realize2actualize: it's just frustration over what is not realize2actualize: unability to deal with and accept reality realize2actualize: maybe you can learn to let that go realize2actualize: and if you do that, I am sure that you can get better realize2actualize: there is no need to hold on to negative and self limiting and destructive feelings realize2actualize: they unly hurt you in the long run and don't change anything really realize2actualize: there is a lot I could say, but I don't want to make it more difficult for you Jay: no i want to hear it.. Jay: i do.. Jay: ill take it.. realize2actualize: lol Jay: seriously. realize2actualize: you seem pretty eager to get better Jay: i do though.. realize2actualize: maybe we could talk on the phone sometimes, I think that this could be easier realize2actualize: I know you are realize2actualize: and I commend you for that realize2actualize: seems to me you are taking the first steps to get better realize2actualize: ;)/ Jay: :) realize2actualize: tell me about your family, brothers, sisters? realize2actualize: how are things with them, what kind of work do they do, what is your relationship with them all all of that realize2actualize: just to give me some idea Jay: well my mom and dad recently left each other, my dad got a new house, my mom is so hurt and lost it makes me want to go crazy, she works at a grade school helping a mogoloid child, my dad works at the prison and teaches the special ed.  My brother jonathan, who just recently had surgery on his apendix, is searching for what he wants to do, he's always trying to help, my little brother Jared, just sits and watches everything, he tries to help, and does at times, Jay: God is working in our lives intensly.. realize2actualize: makes sens then that you are so down realize2actualize: sorry to hear about all your trouble Jay: i feel selfish, cause ive gotten lost in all these emotions and thoughts, and didnt relize anything, and was so weak and shit didnt even help.. realize2actualize: how old is your little brother? Jay: he is 14 realize2actualize: dude, we are all human Jay: yeah realize2actualize: allow yourself to make mistakes realize2actualize: nobody is perfect realize2actualize: seems to me that you are putting a lot of stress on yourself realize2actualize: taking on the grief of your mom and brother it seems realize2actualize: at least to some degree, but the thing is, justin needs to focus on justin, otherwise you are not able to be the best you can be and help others in the way you want to Jay: but i have been, thats the point, im contantly thinking, omg i feeling this and this, but i get lost in the process, where am i? is this what im feeling? or is this someone else? is this a freinds spirit next to me? realize2actualize: you gotta learn to take care of yourself and allow for some things that are painful and troublesome to take it's course, knowing that you have no influence over them realize2actualize: well, yeah realize2actualize: you gotta know what you feel realize2actualize: and getting mixed up in that is a problem realize2actualize: cause as you said, you get lost Jay: yeah Jay: and this Jay: those battles.. Jay: make me.. realize2actualize: make you what.........? Jay: upset.. realize2actualize: well then.. realize2actualize: give it up realize2actualize: the battle that is realize2actualize: and let go of the need to control how things are in your life realize2actualize: giving up that need is I think where it all starts realize2actualize: and this will allow you to focus more attention on yourself realize2actualize: if you allow for things around you to be the way they are, and to not take that personal, to not make it your fault realize2actualize: cause it aint Jay: and this state here is what i dont understand.. realize2actualize: what is that? Jay: i guess of letting this confusion and pain just eat me up.. Jay: so i need to move.. realize2actualize: move where? Jay: down the path of life. realize2actualize: but you said it, you let it eat you up realize2actualize: you allow for that realize2actualize: and in the same way you could learn to not let that happen realize2actualize: actually, I think that this is the main thing that you have to learn realize2actualize: to not let the negativity around you have a negative effect on you realize2actualize: and to move on with YOUR life Jay: lol, but, there is always buts, i know.. Jay: this personality..lol thats another thing..lol this social thing, i can communicate extrealmly well..its just when i dont feel my hair and face .. Jay: lol and when i look in the mirror, i feel like im somehow inside the mirror? and when i look at people. realize2actualize: yes.. Jay: its like..when i look at them, i take on thier mind forms? personality? lol and its just kinda ha.. Jay: ahh! Jay: ya know.. realize2actualize: ok realize2actualize: yeah, but the reaon for why you do that realize2actualize: why do you think that is? Jay: my mirror thing? lol my third eye is going ahh? realize2actualize: there must be some kind of benefit to you for doing it Jay: to help them whip out something better? realize2actualize: maybe so Jay: or Jay: ? realize2actualize: but all the same....you are trying to portray something that you are not realize2actualize: maybe because you feel so bad inside realize2actualize: that you are afraid of showing them who you really are realize2actualize: so it is easier to mimik who they are realize2actualize: just a guess Jay: kinda like im in thier shadwo.. Jay: shadow realize2actualize: if you have bad feelings about who you are it is always difficult showing others who you really are realize2actualize: tell me about that shadow realize2actualize: shadow of what, yourself? Jay: well sometimes its like okay, donnie darko, i dont know if im explaining this right..lol and its not that vivid, but its like im following thier shadows? Jay: shadow, hiding in everyones shadow Jay: i dont know.. realize2actualize: ok Jay: thats another way to look at it, and then my little brother, it was strange i was looking at him, and i saw my own shadow on him.. Jay: it was weird.. realize2actualize: key word here I think is ..hiding Jay: exactly, and im sick of hiding.. Jay: i was to shine the lights bright.. realize2actualize: well then realize2actualize: let it then Jay: God's light realize2actualize: your light realize2actualize: god would want you to let it shine, you know Jay: of course.. realize2actualize: he or she would not want you to hide in shadowns realize2actualize: shadows* Jay: no realize2actualize: but you do because.....its must be easier somewhat realize2actualize: either which way, the question now is, what can you do in order to let it shine more realize2actualize: and worry less about the shadows and other people all the things outside of you, over which you ultimatelly have NO control over realize2actualize: but there is soo much more we could not possiblly discuss here by writing realize2actualize: which is why I suggested you call me sometimes, but this is your call realize2actualize: if you want to do that or not realize2actualize: but I feel for you my friend realize2actualize: at the same time I am jealous for you being 20 years younger thant I am, man, what i would not give for having the opportunities you have, to have your whole life ahead of you, and this I think is a blessing, a gift you might want to embrace more instead of looking at the negative aspects of what is going on in your life realize2actualize: focus on you being alive, which is a gift, a blessing, so maybe you can  treasure it more, treasure yourself more, your feelings, your heart and not shut all of that down because it is easier this way Jay: sorry Jay: i got got cut off realize2actualize: not a problem Jay: see thats where i got selfish.. Jay: cause then i dont understand realize2actualize: understand what? Jay: i dont know realize2actualize: lol realize2actualize: you gotta do better than that realize2actualize: a little bit of selfishness is not necessarily unhealthy, as long as it does not escalate into you becoming self centered, which is very different realize2actualize: you have to think of yourself, and with this there is nothing wrong realize2actualize: give yourself a break dude, seems like you are awefully harsh on yourself Jay: i guess.. realize2actualize: guess?? Jay: see thats my problem, i always wonder is this me? Jay: or somebody else.. realize2actualize: guessing is not going to cut it here Jay: and then when that somebody else leaves.. Jay: im like oh.. Jay: ya know.. realize2actualize: I guess I am talking to you Jay: ok realize2actualize: so yeah, it's YOU realize2actualize: justin realize2actualize: the one and only realize2actualize: ;) realize2actualize: the one who is going to make a great person one day, maybe a great husband and father Jay: mm i dont know about husband.. realize2actualize: but until then you have to figure out what it is exactly that is keeping you Jay: or father. realize2actualize: you are 17 Jay: 18 realize2actualize: sorry Jay: kinda forgot about my age as well Jay: oh its cool realize2actualize: anyway, you have time realize2actualize: and things will change realize2actualize: including you realize2actualize: hopefully for the better, but that is up to you Jay: i hope.. Jay: things will get better.. realize2actualize: I agree realize2actualize: life is a good thing after all realize2actualize: regardless, or inspite of all the b/s in our personal lives Jay: it sure is.. Jay: true realize2actualize: and get out of the shadow realize2actualize: into the light realize2actualize: I am sure you would feel so much better there Jay: i would.. Jay: feel alot better.. realize2actualize: be like Nike then realize2actualize: and realize2actualize: just do it realize2actualize: ;) Jay: thank you for this.. realize2actualize: anytime my friend realize2actualize: I hope it helped some Jay: it did alot, and then i get back to my confusion again.. realize2actualize: I am glad it helped, but sorry that you are still dealing with confusion realize2actualize: but you know, this you can overcome realize2actualize: confusion that is realize2actualize: but taking some time and gain some clarity within yourself realize2actualize: becoming more aware of your true feelings and thoughts realize2actualize: and to embrace them realize2actualize: and to allow for yourself to feel realize2actualize: but as I said this takes time, but most importantly it takes practice realize2actualize: so I hope that you are able to make some effort in this direction Jay: i will realize2actualize: I know you will realize2actualize: and I wish you the best of luck with this Jay: thank you..see this is what upsets me.. Jay: i wish i could thank you to the fullest, but i feel like i close again.. realize2actualize: what do you mean, thank me to the fullest realize2actualize: stop worrying about that realize2actualize: you did thank you realize2actualize: but the greatest thanks you can give me is by getting better realize2actualize: stop worrying about everything else realize2actualize: I want you to get better for your own sake realize2actualize: all I am here for is help you some, the main work you have to do realize2actualize: I just try and point you in the right direction Jay: once i get this plank out of my eye, i want to help others get the plank out of theirs. realize2actualize: so don't worry about it dude, and consider me your friend if you'd like realize2actualize: plank? Jay: nothing.. Jay: :) realize2actualize: lol realize2actualize: I would like to know what you meant by that realize2actualize: but you don't have to tell me unless you want to Jay: in the bible, dont know which verse just something about a plank in your eye, you have to get it out, before you help others take the plank out of thier eye realize2actualize: ok realize2actualize: < not too fond of everything that was written in the bible, especially how it is used nowadays, but that's ok realize2actualize: apparantly you have read the bible and believe in the Word? Jay: oh i havent read it.. Jay: i sum through it here and there.. realize2actualize: OK Jay: and i do believe in it.. realize2actualize: K Jay:  i gotta get started on my homework as well..im doing this homebound thing because of my anxiety, and i have a teacher comming over to help for an hour.. realize2actualize: I see realize2actualize: well, good luck Jay: thanks realize2actualize: ciao for now buddy Jay: :) thanks, see ya freind realize2actualize: peace Jay: peace my freind Jay: :)