Marie
Wow, Lisa... you really
were clueless as to what you were doing, weren't you? Hey, don't hit me... I don't mean that in a bad way. Let's just say that if my intentions hadn't
been completely self-neglecting... leaving Erik and me alone together would've
been a very bad move. Warning to the readers...
reduced levity ahead and increased gloom.
Prepare yourselves for complete "sad and
pathetic".
I was not looking forward to the next few days. I was in love with Erik... I'd admitted such tragic things to myself... but this was a definite look-but-don't-touch situation... hell, I tried not to even look. My roomie and one of my best friends had also fallen in love with him and he loved her back.
He loved her and not me, that was the fact that I constantly repeated to myself. I was his friend, yes... but that was it, no more could ever happen. Yet, the memory of the time he'd almost kissed me burned steadfastly in my mind. What had happened there?
Oh, I knew the answer. For that brief second he'd opened himself up to the possibility of comfort for his loss. He'd been a vulnerable man and I had been nothing more to him than a warm body, a woman who could soothe his needs. The second Ed had called out to us, Erik had retreated back into his shell of calm indifference like a vampire shying from the daylight.
Maybe I'd had my chance... but I'd lost it and there was no way to change that.
I wanted him, yes... I would've given anything to be the one. But it was not to be. And the worst part of his indirect rejection was the nagging at the back of my head. If the Phantom of the Opera couldn't even find it in his heart to love me... who could? Who in this whole world could love this fat, four-eyed, clumsy, obsessive scrap of a woman?
That's exactly what I was wondering as I looked out at the sun setting over the hills and valleys of Cheltenham Township. Lisa had left for Florida on an early flight that morning and I had spent most of the day avoiding Erik, lest my resolve sway even in the least. I didn't even want Erik to know of my bout with unrequited love, let alone anything more serious. As a result, I found myself sitting on the balcony ledge off of my room, one of my trashy romance novels in one hand and tears welling in my eyes.
You know how when you've been holding in emotions for a long time, the silliest things can suddenly break the damn that's keeping them contained? Well, I read just read a very sweet passage and before I knew it, I was sobbing uncontrollably like baby without its mother. Hell, even that analogy hurt... I would never be a mother either. I slid awkwardly, my legs wobbly and stiff from having them folded underneath me for so long. I made it to my bedroom on unsteady feet and sat gingerly on the bed, still crying. I laid down and buried my face into the pillows, not bothering with a tissue.
"Marie?" Erik voice sounded from the doorway of my room.
I dared not turn to face him. If I did, he would surely see the tears on my face and know something was wrong. I couldn't lie to him, so I could only hide from him.
"Erik... need something?" I asked, cringing at the whimper in my voice.
"No... I heard you crying, cherie. What's wrong?" he asked, approaching the side of the bed that I was on and sitting next to me carefully.
"Don't call me that!" I burst out. Once the dam was broken, there was no stopping it. "I'm not your dear... Lisa is!"
A pause where I knew he was still sitting next to me but he had frozen, his hand inches away from touching my shoulder. "What?" his voice was shocked, hushed.
"You heard me." I muttered under my breath, knowing that I was being rude but unable to hold my bitterness in any longer.
"I don't understand... have I done something to hurt you?" he asked, genuine concern obvious in his voice.
"No..." I relented. "It's nothing. I'll be fine." I rose from the bed, if only to get some distance between us. Wanting your roommate's fiancé is bad enough... but being alone with him in your bedroom on your bed is more testing than I ever need. With what I hoped was convincing coldness, I made my way to my dresser and began to pull a brush through my hair, wincing when it ripped through a rather nasty tangle.
"Do you want me to leave, Marie?" there was definite hurt in his voice now.
I let my head drop, tears coming to my eyes yet again. I had no right to take out my troubles on Erik. He had hurt me, but not on purpose... he merely had taste. He had no idea about my feelings for him and therefore, I was being grossly unfair.
I sighed, catching his sleeve when he tried to make his way out the door. "No, Erik... stay. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled at you... I'm just stressed, I guess."
"Stressed? What about? You've been moping about like you've lost your best friend for weeks." he softened, leading me into the living room and setting me down on the couch.
"It's nothing." I lied, a catch in my throat giving me away. I was getting fairly talented at bursting into tears, so I figured why not do so again? I proceeded to burrow my face into Erik's shoulder, weeping one step away from hysterically. He pulled me closer in a tight hold, one hand on my back and the other stroking my hair gently. Rocking me back and forth, he began to hum quietly in order to calm me down.
Once my crying had dulled to soft whimpers and gasps for breath, he pushed me back to look at my blotchy, tear-streaked face. "What is it, mon amie? This is more than a stressful outburst, I think. What's really bothering you?"
As I looked into his eyes, those cloud-blue, pleading eyes, I knew I couldn't lie to him. But I couldn't just gush out with poetic "I love yous" either.
"Well... I... I'm..." I stuttered, still hiccuping with tears.
"Stuttering hopelessly." he completed with a gentle smile. "There's no need to be shy with me, you know that... I'm your friend."
"I know... I'm... I'm in love." I finally sighed.
"And this is a cause for hysterical weeping?" he asked in confusion.
"It is when it's of the unrequited breed."
"Ah... well, that's far more understandable." he nodded, probably remembering his feelings regarding Christine and early on with Lisa. "Give me the fool's name and address and I'll see it to it that he regrets hurting you so."
I gave a short laugh. "No need. I've been through this before... it's no big deal or anything. I've survived before... I'll do it again."
"Somehow I doubt that any previous ones had you in this state of anguish." Erik drew me closer again, in a gentle hug.
"Maybe. Ian and Jason both made it perfectly clear that my affections weren't welcome by telling me straight out... in slightly coarser language. Michael simply avoided me and refused to acknowledge my presence even if I was talking to him." I tried to stay away from the subject of my current unrequited love object.
"And the prevalent fool? Who is he?" Erik asked with his unnerving sixth sense.
"I'd rather not say." I shook my head.
"And why not?" he persisted, giving me his infamous "I'm not letting you get out of this one easy, dear" look.
"Because... there's no way you could push him to feel otherwise about me. He's... taken." I allowed, tears threatening me once again. If he persisted much longer, I would be forced to tell him!
By the way, yes... he persisted.
"Taken or not... he must have a name."
"Um..." I tried to think of a tactful way out of this one. Unfortunately, I couldn't come up with an excuse, tactful or otherwise. "Well...um... you know him."
He thought about it for a moment. I could almost see the wheels grinding away in his head as he figured out that the only men he really knew in this century were two professors; one gay and the other at least seventy. That left only one other male that he knew... himself.
"No..." he looked at me seriously, his eyes pleading with me to tell me he was mistaken. I said nothing, only looking at him with glassy eyes. With a pained expression he pointed at himself. "Me?"
I nodded, closing my eyes to be free of the shocked look on his face for it was not the pleasant kind of shock I saw there. I rose from the couch, stalking over to the window with my arms wrapped around my chest, tears streaming down my face again, silently this time.
"I'm sorry... I shouldn't have told you." I sighed in a quiet voice.
"I think... it's better for you to have told me. I dislike seeing you in pain... and even knowing that I'm the cause of it is preferable to not knowing at all." his voice was suddenly behind me, a strong hand resting on my shoulder.
"No, I should've just been able to deal with this on my own." I shook my head, still looking down, noticing the tears falling off of my face and staining the carpet. "I didn't want to do anything to mess up what you and Lisa have together. After all... all the work I put into getting you two together in the first place."
“A noble effort…” he turned me to face him, one long finger under my chin coaxing me to look up at him. “But, why, Marie? Why did you fall in love with a deformed, old man?”
I laughed a little through my tears; his question struck me as absurd… how could I not fall in love with him? “There’s lot more to you than deformity and age, Erik… I guess I’ve been infatuated since I heard the musical and when I got the chance to meet you… I guess I semi-expected you to fall for me, as well… you know, sort of a real life answer to my phan phic. I managed to see past my little fantasies and grow to love the real man. I don’t know… am I making any sense?”
“Some… go on… tell me more.” He prompted, both hands rubbing my shoulders now as he led me back to the couch.
“Well… if you can’t find it in your heart to love me… who can? You even come from a time where my looks and such are appreciated, as they never will be here… I’ll never find anyone. Lisa was wrong when she insisted that she would be the old maid and I’d be the married woman with ten kids… it’s going to be the other way around.”
“Marie, that’s ridiculous!” he asserted, sitting me down. “You are a lovely, intelligent, and strong-willed young woman with a heart of pure gold. Any rational man would give his left arm to call you his own. You will find someone… you just need to be patient. Look at me… I had to wait fifty-two years to find my soul-mate.”
“Fifty-two years is not a comforting thought, Erik.” I grimaced. “Besides… it’s different for men. You’re ‘allowed’ to be ugly or deformed… you’re ‘allowed’ to be older. Not women… we have to be young and gorgeous to get any attention.”
“Says who?” he demanded.
“Ask anyone. In every romance I’ve ever read the heroine was under thirty and flawlessly beautiful. At school, all the boys go for the thin, pretty girls. Even in high school, I never had a boyfriend… I never even got asked out on one date. I didn’t even get to go to my own prom. Nothing’s changed throughout college either. It’s not fair… I’m a good person… I try to be considerate and loving… I’m not entirely unpleasant to look at… why does no one notice me?”
“Yet more proof that this world is inhabited almost entirely by idiots.” Erik murmured with some mild anger in his tone.
“Maybe… but that doesn’t help me any. I mean even you were put off by the thought of kissing me.” I sighed.
“What?” he asked, apparently not remembering that night so long ago.
“It was before you decided to try and court Lisa. We went for a walk together so Lise could study and we almost… kissed. But a Public Safety officer interrupted us and then… you acted like you couldn’t believe you’d almost kissed me. Am I that homely?”
A moment passed while he tried to remember. “No, no… it wasn’t that at all, Marie.” he shook his head vehemently.
“Then what was it?”
“I pulled away because… I didn’t want to give myself false hope. Try to understand, I had just come from what you would refer to as a ‘nasty break-up’ where I was hurt badly. I was afraid to try again so soon and I figured that you would be repulsed by me at any rate.”
I sighed, an emotional outlet that I was getting far too good at. “Maybe… still, I wish we had completed that. What do you think would’ve happened if Ed hadn’t come along?”
“I don’t know how far we might’ve gone.” he admitted, shaking his head. “I know that in my state of mind, I probably would not have drawn any lines.”
I nodded, not sure how to feel about that. He implied that if we had actually kissed that night, we might have ended up together in bed. That was something I had spent far too much time imagining as it was.
I sniffled a little and rose from the couch. “You should go… Lisa’s going to call you over in your apartment soon, I’m sure… I just need to sleep and take a break from all this wedding stuff and romancing nonsense. I’ll be okay.”
“Are you sure?” he rose too, drawing me into a gentle hug. “I may not have ended up being your fiancé… but I am your friend. If you need me, I’ll do everything I can to help you.”
I smiled up at him gratefully, nodding. “I know that… I’ll be fine. I just need some rest.”
He left somewhat reluctantly, apparently not completely convinced by my display of sudden calmness. As I watched him go, my sadness overwhelmed me again and I dashed for my bedroom. With some rare quick thinking I stifled my cries with the pillow.
I was alone and knew that I would always remain as such.
****
The next day started out as hell on wheels, as I am fond of saying. I had woken up somewhere around noon, having spent most of the night sobbing in my bed. Afternoon found me with a splitting headache and one rather soggy pillow. I dragged my ass (and the rest of me too) out of bed and into the kitchen, where I groggily prepared myself a bowl of Quaker Oatmeal with extra honey.
I was so zoned that I didn’t even hear Erik knock or come in.
“Good…” he paused to look at his watch. “Afternoon, Marie.”
“Urg…” I greeted him in return.
“I suppose I can accept that as a ‘good day’. The older lioness does not feel well, today?” I sat next to me and did his own best Crocodile Hunter imitation.
“The older lioness was barely able to hunt down a bowl of oatmeal today.” I replied, raising my spoon above the bowl and letting the stuff plop.
“Ah… oats everywhere are cowering in fear.” He commented with barely repressed smile. “What are you planning on doing for the rest of the day?”
“I didn’t have anything in mind, why?” I shrugged, plopping my oatmeal again.
“Well… if you’re quite finished playing with your oatmeal… I was wondering if you’d be so kind as to introduce me to this thing called The Star Wars Trilogy. You and Lisa keep mentioning it, but I’ve yet to see it.” He suggested, pulling me up out of my chair and shoving me into my room, where he proceeded to set me on the bed and fetch me some clothes from my closet.
“Do I have a choice?”
“Not really.”
“Okay.” I sighed
Fifteen minutes later, I was sitting next to Erik in his apartment watching the first Star Wars movie. For someone from 1881, Erik asked surprisingly few questions. Mostly there were things like “What’s a gundar?” and “Isn’t a parsec a distance, not a time?” and “That storm trooper just hit his head in the doorway!”. All in all, by the time we got to The Empire Strikes Back I was feeling better.