Chapter Twelve
"Why are you here?" Erik asked suddenly.
"What?" Jenny replied
oh-so-intelligently, pausing in the act of setting a bowl of stew before him.
"It's been weeks since... since
that night." Erik explained.
"You've consoled me, cooked for me, cleaned for me... even though I
nearly murdered you. Why?"
Jenny considered her answer
carefully, trying to ignore the headache that was beginning to tinge the back
of her skull. The answer was
simple! She loved him! Couldn't he see
that? No, she reminded herself,
he can't... because he's not looking for it from the likes of you. No, she couldn't tell him of her truest
feelings for him. Given his sketchy knowledge of her feelings, her behavior did
seem oddly devoted.
"You're my friend, Erik... and
I care for you deeply. It's clear
you've never been taken care of previously and... well... I know you're
pain." she said despondently, her usually sparkling eyes dimming. "In fact, I'm on quite intimate terms
with pain."
He nodded. "Your family's
death?"
"Not entirely." she said,
tears threatening to overflow. She
turned away from him, busying herself with the task of stirring her own
meal. Jesus, what on earth was she
getting herself into? She had no right
to burden him with the waxing melodrama of her less-than-active love life. Hell, the last thing he wanted to
hear was her lack of success regarding love.
Erik heard the catch in her voice
and looked up in alarm.
"Jennifer? What? What is it, child?"
"Nothing." she shook her
head in denial, rewarding herself with an increased wave of pain through her
brain.
"Jenny... you can't hide from
me, I can sense this overpowering sadness in you." Erik rose gathering her
into his arms as she had done so often in the past weeks to comfort his
pain. "Tell me, mon ange...
believe me, it will help."
"That's a story for another
time." she repeated her excuse from that long night, appreciating his show
of consideration nonetheless.
"Oh no, that's not going to
work this time." Erik continued. "Do you love someone?"
"No." she laughed
bitterly. "Of course not... I
can't be in love with anyone. It's not
allowed. It's simply not permissible."
"What? What are talking about?" Erik looked at
her curiously.
"Fat, ugly women aren't allowed
to be in love... everybody knows that.
They don't even know what love is." Jenny recited the painful
lesson that had been pounded into her brain everyday since she first entered
the schoolyard jungle.
"Fat? Ugly? Don't tell me that
you're referring to yourself." he said firmly.
"Of course I am. I don't see any other fat, ugly skirts in
the near vicinity." she murmured, pulling away from him slightly. "And don't try to tell me otherwise...
I'm not blind or deaf. I can see my
reflection in mirrors, and I can hear the names people call me."
"Who has been calling
you names?" Erik demanded, his eyes flashing fire. "Who? I'll wring their neck!"
"I don't think you can kill
everyone who's ever insulted me... unless you're planning on devoting the rest
of your life to the cause." Jenny sniffed back a tear.
"I guess not..." Erik
sighed. "Why do you believe them, though?"
"Because it's true!" she
cried, the tears bursting through her reserve like water through a badly built
dam. "If it weren't true
then..."
"Then what..?"
She took a deep breath for
courage.
"Then I wouldn't be so
alone." she breathed, her voice quavering. In utter despair, she left Erik's stunned embrace and sat on his couch,
too agitated to even think of eating now.
"I've always been alone,
Erik... much like you. I had no friends
as a child and... no beaus when I grew up.
No man would even come near me and no family would ever accept me even
if one did." she whispered.
"I'm an undesirable, an annoying parasite, a dirty street
rat."
"No man has ever expressed the
desire to even get to know you?" Erik finally asked, sitting next to her
on the couch, resting a long hand on hers, which lay folded in her lap.
"No... not one. Most wished only to either ignore me... or
make fun of me. No man has ever been
even remotely respectful to me, let alone... loving." Jenny shook her
head, keeping her eyes focused on her lap.
"Except me." he said
softly, moving his hand from her lap to her cheek, gently stroking the soft
skin.
"Except you."
"And you are in love with
someone?"
Jenny laughed humorlessly.
"I've been in love many times... and each time I was tossed to the
gutter... sometimes literally."
"But here... now... you are in
love?"
"Yes." came her answer, so
low he could barely hear it.
"Who? A man in the company?" he asked.
"No... but he does spend a
majority of his time here." she allowed.
"A patron?" he guessed.
"Yes."
"I'm afraid I don't see a
problem, Jenny. Any patron would
greatly appreciate your musical prowess on the stage, would know who you are...
why are you so miserable about your love for him?"
"He's in love with another
woman." she said in a voice so soft he almost didn't hear it.
"Oh..." he sighed. "I know that situation well."
"She's perfect; pleasant to
everyone, polite and sweet-tempered... and simply beautiful. She has long,
golden curls of hair and sapphire blue eyes... ivory-pale skin... a slim and
shapely body." Jenny said, her voice cracking once or twice as she spoke.
An image of Christine briefly
flashed in Erik's mind, but he quickly brushed it away. He was determined to concentrate on Jenny's
problem right now.
"Any man would adore her."
she continued, unaware of his thoughts.
"She's the very model of a good wife... the perfect woman. I can never measure up to her... in his
heart or anywhere else. She's what men
want... I'm the farthest thing from that ideal."
"Jenny, mon ange...
don't be so hard on yourself. You are
quite an attractive woman yourself."
he said with feeling, taking both of her hands in his firmly.
"I like that fairy tale... tell
another one." she muttered bitterly.
"Mon ange, listen to
me..." he replied, hooking one finger under her chin and lifting her face
to his. "You are a lovely young
woman; your eyes, your hair, your face and body... I can't even remember a time
when I ever thought you ugly or fat.
True, I thought you were plain at first sight, but... it just takes a
little time for people to notice your more subtle beauty. And I never thought you unattractive
in heart; for Heaven's sake... I have never known a kinder, or more endearing
person in my entire time on this earth.
Any man would be proud to call you his wife."
Tears had gathered in her eyes and
Erik's heart twisted painfully at the thought of her misery continuing. "Even if I am what you say... it
wouldn't matter. He'll never love me
the way he loves her."
"Does he know of your
feelings?"
"No!" she replied
quickly. "I can't possibly! He'd just laugh at me for the sin of
wanting... throw me aside like... like all of the others-" she broke off,
crying in earnest. Reflexively, Erik
drew her into his arms again, perplexed at the depth of her pain. So much misery for one so young! So much heartache! It was as if he could see his own soul in this lonely woman, who
could comfort even his tortured spirit, neglecting her own malnourished
heart. This child was slowly fading
away for want of love, much like he almost had. The entire time that I was suffering, he realized, she was
suffering just as much!
"Oh... Jennifer..." he
lamented, holding her tight. "You
poor girl... I should've seen this and done something."
"This isn't your fault..."
she managed through her weeping.
"You didn't make me fat and ugly."
"You are not fat or
ugly!" he insisted. "You take
offense when I call myself names... don't make the same mistake yourself. I think you're quite attractive."
"Oh, come off it." she
pleaded. "You're my friend...
don't lie to me."
"All right... I won't." he
nodded. "I think that every man
who ever said anything detrimental about you should be killed. You are not ugly or fat and I could just
hang whoever put that idea into your head.
You are a compassionate, loving woman..."
"Great... I'll make a wonderful
nun." Jenny muttered resentfully.
"That's what a girl once told me... I'll never have a problem with
celibacy, no man would sleep in my bed if I paid him to."
"Jenny..." Erik
sighed. "Would make a difference
if I said I loved you?"
"You don't love me." she
forced herself to say, starting to feel nauseous on top of her headache, which
was now throbbing because of her tears.
"You're merely grateful for my words of comfort and cooking."
"You're wrong, Jenny... I love
you." he whispered.
Her heart leapt into her throat,
pounding furiously, and she froze with her head against his heart. Could this possibly be it? The moment she'd waited her entire life for?
"You're like the mother I never
had... my only friend. My entire family."
It promptly fell into her feet. No... this was pure, unadulterated
torture. Couldn't he see that she
didn't want to be his mother?! The
feelings she had for him were anything but motherly! She wanted to be his lover and wife! Dear God, what cruel twist of fate is this?
"That's a comfort at
least..." she forced a smile.
"At least I have one person to turn to."
"You don't look well..."
Erik noticed her paler than normal face and glassy eyes. "Are you ill?"
"Maybe... I haven't felt very
well the past few days." she admitted, thankful for the change of subject.
Erik felt her forehead with the back
of his hand and immediately drew back.
"Good God, you're burning up!" he exclaimed. "What else is wrong? How have you been feeling?"
"I.. my head hurts... and I
feel like I'm going to be sick." she whimpered, letting herself fall back
against the couch.
Without warning, Erik picked Jenny
up and carried her into her bedroom, laying her on the bed. Too heart-broken, ill, and emotionally
exhausted to protest, she laid down in accordance with his gesture.
God, kill me... kill me now!
she mentally screamed at Heaven. Why?! Why did you send me
to this man, only to have my heart cut open?!
I love him! And... he'll never
love me like that... the way he loved her...
"Get some rest." he whispered, blowing out
the candle in her room and sitting on the bed next to her. Jenny suddenly wished she had the courage to
pull him down on top of her and kiss him as she longed to. But, no... such audacity was beyond her
powers. With gentle hands, Erik stroked
the long hair at her temples. Jenny
managed to garner the strength to pull his thin hand down to her lips and kiss
the palm lightly, his fingertips resting against her cheek.
Erik took a deep breath, surprised
by the sudden torrent of desire that filled him at that contact, hardening him
almost instantaneously. For weeks, he'd
watched her, been held by her, been kissed by her, and he hadn't felt a thing
other than appreciation for her affection and caring. He remembered his confused feelings the morning after that
fateful night, the tangle of desire, relief, and misery that had held him
captive. Frightened that he would ruin
his relationship with Jenny as he has with Christine, he had repressed all of
the less-than-innocent feelings that were festering within his soul. He'd been far too busy pitying himself and
mourning the loss of Christine to even consider feeling this kind of passion. But now... perhaps he was finally
"getting over" Christine. If
that was true, he certainly couldn't find a better alternative than this sweet
woman.
Then again... what if he was simply
transferring his sexual frustrations towards Jenny for the simple reason that
she was a woman and nearby? These
feelings he had towards her were new to him and he would need time to sort them
out. He had thought that love was what
he'd felt for Christine... perhaps he'd been mistaken and perhaps not.
"Good-night, mon ange."
he whispered, his thoughts revolving around this renewed revelation as he rose
and quietly left the room.
"Good-bye..." she replied
softly after he'd shut the door.