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Things I Hate/The Darker Side of Erk
This is the page where I bitch about my life and what I hate about it.  If you're rolling your eyes at that last sentence I suggest you read on and understand.

Reel Big Fish - "You Don't Know"
Well first of all, I'd like to say, fuck off, fuck off, fuck off, FUCK OFF
If you don't get it why don't you go shove your head back up your ass and don't waste my time, i don't need your opinion
cause you don't know what it's like
you don't know what it's like
you don't know what it's like to be like me.. you don't know, so keep your mouth shut

Well this may come as kind of a surprise
surprise surprise SURPRISE!
I don't like you and I don't care what you think about what I do,  and most of all, I don't need your opinion
cause you don't know what it's like
you don't know what it's like
you don't know what it's like to be like me.. you don't know, so keep your mouth shut

Well finally that's the way it is.  I like something you don't and you're telling me its shit. 
But it's a waste of time, we can't change our opinions, ya know what else?
I don't know what it's like
I don't know what it's like
I don't know what it's like to be like you.. I don't know, so i'll keep my mouth.
Maybe it started when I was 13 and my dad died.  I was 13, I didn't know how to act about it, hell I was probably in shock ~ woken up by your mom at 8 in the morning saying "I think your dad is dead" I'm never going to forget that ~ Either way, I went outside and played with my friends.  My family shoulda realized that wasn't exactly the best thing for me to do, because I still haven't grieved properly.  Who knows though..  All I know is that I hate that my dad died.

I have these horrible panic attacks that stop me from doing a lot of things people do routinely every day.  Making phone calls, getting the mail, talking to people, being in public, cutting the grass, going to the mall, going to stores, ordering food at a fast food place, there's too many to name.. but all these things I have difficulty doing.  My close friends joke around "oh, she's got her plastic bag again"  I bring a plastic bag just about everywhere because I know I'll probably end up getting panicky and puking.  Alot of people think having a panic attack is just like being really nervous.  IT'S NOT and sometimes I could seriously smack some people who think they're having something remotely similar to a panic attack.
The easiest way to describe what I'm feeling, and others i've talked to who have them  during a panic attack is:  Imagine your worst fears.. Spiders, Death, Monsters, being steril.. who knows.  But imagine your fear x about 1000 and there is NO escape from it.  It doesn't just go away with the swat of a newspaper, or turning on a light.. It can come anytime and it can stay as long as it wants.  You try to tell yourself "you're ok.. you're ok.. this has happened before"  but for myself that just instigates the fear.  A panic attack isn't a specific fear, so it's harder to face.  I was out of high school for 3 months because of some unexplained fear.  I didn't have a fear of school, I liked school, but the panic just took control.  Sometimes I get panic attacks worrying about having panic attacks later.  If you think I'm making it up, then you're lucky you've never gotten one.
I hate a lot of things that are wrong with my life.  Don't get me wrong, I love a lot of things too, but hate is harder to deal with.
I hate stalkers.  Especially the ones that know you, like if you were friends earlier, so now they know where you are 24/7 and since they're pothead losers, they have nothing better to do than follow you around, or page you, or knock on your bedroom windows at night.  I know my panic attacks got worse when that started happening.  I tried to explain to them what was going on with me, but they took it as "Erika thinks she's better than us"   Maybe they'll stumble across what I've written above and say "oooh, now we get it"  But I doubt that.  I'm much happier without them as my friends, and incredibly relieved that they've stopped harassing me.  But they're still big dyky losers.
The first time I saw that bumper sticker I was 14 and I said "man, that's so true, if only my own family would realize this"  I don't know if it's because I was 'too young to understand' at the time, or everyone else was just plain stupid... I'm thinking the 2nd part though..  So anyways, here's the story
I'm about 10 yrs old and my brother Brian is having a party to celebrate his about to be 2nd marriage (which failed, btw) at some club..  From what I know Phillip (brother #4) and his wife Janice were going to the club and asked a bartender if he knew where the party was.  The bartender glanced upstairs and said "there isn't one" so they left and were driving around the block and saw everyone's cars.. "Hmm" they thought.  Actually, I don't know that they thought that, but I'm just guessing cause that's what I would have said.  So they went past the bartender and upstairs.. and what do you know, there's the party!  Who do they blame?  My sister in law Kim.. why?  Because she was smiling.  um.. Don't you think she was smiling because she was
HAVING A GOOD TIME AT A PARTY?!?! No, apparently not.  Apparently it means she told the bartender not to let them upstairs.
Ok, are you guys still with me?  Are you also saying "what the f#ck?"  Ok, good.  Cause I was 10 and I figured that the bartender must have just been pissy and Kim was just having a good time.  Back to the story.
My dad dies when i'm 13.  Yeah, that was just great.  So here I am at 13 with no dad and a brother and his wife who hardly talk to the rest of the family anymore because of one stupid miscommunicated night.  I don't know why, maybe it was because they thought I should be a big part of it, but our priest decided I should pick out everything for the funeral.. ie: funeral songs, readings and readers, who takes up the bread and wine, you know, all that stuff that a 13 yr old isn't good at.  So I decided that Kim and Janice should bring up the bread and wine.. thinking maybe that would be
all I needed to do to get this family back together.  Nope.  Didn't work.  Not to mention I picked songs I was familiar with, so everytime my mom heard those songs in church after that, she would start crying.  Goooooo Erika! Yay! Making your mom cry! Rah Rah Rah!
Eventually my brother Phillip moved away and we didn't see him again.  Every great once in a while someone would see him, like my sister Robin.. and they would have a conversation like
normal.. like everything was ok. But why wasn't it ok? 
So I'm 24 and it's 11 years since my dad died.  I sent Phillip a Christmas card a few days ago and I'm terrified of the response, or lack there of I'll get.  Don't go saying "well, at least then you'll know for sure"  because damn.. what will I know exactly?  That he wants nothing to do with us?  No, I'm not settling for that.  I want an answer as to
what I did that was so wrong at 13 for him to leave me and everyone else like family doesn't need each other or matter!  I want to know why he couldn't have told us that he's ok, that he misses us, anything!  Oh, don't get me wrong here, I'm not upset with him alone.  I can't stand it when Kim brings up Phillip and Janice.. she'll talk about 'ha ha, she had all boys!" (cause she has 4 or 5 sons and no daughters) and it's like.. shut up!  just shut up!  That is my brother whether she likes it or not (and she better not have a problem with it)   I just hate it when people bring him up like it's easy.. like they aren't missing him.  Frankly, if they aren't missing him, I'd rather have nothing to do with them..  Truthfully I'd just like a real family.. not the "arguing group of my way or the highway, a real family isn't gonna happen" stubborn people that I received.  Just shut up and get along, geez.. this life is short and it's not all about bitching about each other.  It's about family and friends and happiness and just cool stuff like smiling on a sunny day, or singing along to a song that's on the radio when you're driving alone in your car, and you're so happy you don't care who sees you. 
The rest of my brothers and sisters:  Richard, Robin & Toni are fine with me...
As for my brother Brian, now on his 3rd wife.  He can
go to hell (more preferrably Jail or a deserted island for now)  He treated his first 3 kids like crap.  The oldest 2 are so emotionally wrecked.  I wish I knew this when we were younger, I wouldn't have told them they couldn't play games with me and my friends.  Hatred is not a family value, neither is smacking your kids around and treating them like your own personal slaves just because their mother ended up not being what you expected (..i'm guessing a personal slave..)  We don't talk to him, and I am glad of that.  He thinks he knows so much.. He might think he's text book smart, but he doesn't know a dang thing about being a father or a human being.
I found out my brother Brian just had a son with his 3rd wife Rebecca.  That makes a grand total of 5 children for him.  Now I know he only has 5 children, but really he has 1 pregant daughter, 2 pot smoking daughters, 2 whoring daughters, 1 crackhead daughter, 1 nymphomaniac daughter suffering from some weird "father figure" thing, 3 lying children, 1 criminal daughter, and all 5 of them will probably be know-it-alls, just like their lying father.  People who turn out children like what he did, shouldn't be allowed to have more children.  You can't just throw out the kids you don't want and start over.  You have a responsibility.  You go out there and you raise your damn kids right!  You divorce the parent, you don't divorce your own children!  you stupid smuck!  It's too bad you have absolutely nothing to do with all of us, cause that way you can't read this website and find out what I think about your pathetic lifestyle and your hairy wife.  You're both liars and so undeserving of a happy, quiet, peaceful life.  Not to mention, brian, you're a cocky racist mo-fo. 
I could slip, I could fall, would that mean anything at all?
I just want to have everyone be together.  I know the family I have is a good family, but I know Phillip and his family is out there and it just hurts to know that they can live each day normally without thinking, dreaming, wondering how nice it would be if we could all be together.  To get to see the ones we've missed, to see new people, to learn about each other all over again.  It would be great.
Today was our family Christmas gathering.. notice it's actually after Christmas.  We're getting together on this day because everyone else has other arrangements with inlaws and such....
Why is it.. everything about our family has to be 2nd best?  "you should be glad we're getting together at all!"  or my favorite "Why does it matter what day we get together, as long as we're together?"  ok.. why does it matter?  Let's say... it doesn't matter.  Ok, so now that it doesn't matter, why can't we get together on Christmas day?  Does this make sense to anyone else?  It's been like this forever and my family is getting together on the 29th 'for my sake' oh whatever.. if you're doing something because you want me to stop bitching, that's not exactly the nicest reason to do something.  If it's gotta be just for my sake that you're all getting together.. if it is such a pain to do this.. don't bother.  Hell, my brother John's kids don't even know my name.  They don't even know that I'm their aunt.  They don't talk to me.  They do however go into my room and grab anything and everything without asking, and they can't even ask me to borrow video games because I dunno.. maybe they're afraid I'll bite them.  I don't know them, and they don't know me.  and that's sad.  I know people who know more about their neighbors than Johns family knows about me & vice versa.  Of course, I'm not saying I don't know anything.  I know their names & middle names, how to spell them and their birthdays.  Not to forget, today Evan poured an entire bottle of fish food into Toni's fish tank.  John helped out, but Kim just laughed and took a picture.  He's 2 yrs old guys, he's gonna get into stuff, therefore YOU HAVE TO KEEP AN EYE ON HIM!  Kim always talks about how she could just do anything and nathaniel would play by himself... yeah.. and now look.. he had to take classes just to learn how to get along with other kids!  Evan is normal.
Ugh.. so anyways.. Kim was really loud and I'm surprized no one had a migraine because of it.  Doctors, if you're reading this, please surgically remove the megaphone from her mouth.
~ Thank you
This really shouldn't be on the hate page.  Phillip contacted me.  HOLY MOTHER OF GOD!!!  He got my christmas card!  He really got it and read it.. I talked to him for an hour and a half!  I don't know how i feel..  Well, i DO.. i'm excited!  I'm just shocked and relieved and i feel like crying and laughing at the same time.  And this is just the beginning! 

He called again!  I've decided to make a new page dedicated to that, because it's not hate, it's love that's working here! 

Go to the Phillip Page!