Jesus Mean Time: A Handy Guide        
Allison Render
How Close Are You to God?

It has come to my attention in recent weeks that policy-makers have expressed the need to measure the effect geography has on one’s proximity to God, to aid them when choosing which country to invade. Some may say that geography really has nothing to do with God, but for those of you willing to accept my claims, I argue that geography is as important as actual religious faith .

For this argument, I have developed a fool-proof system of measuring how far a particular location is from God, adapted from the well-known system of Standard Time, which divides the world into “time zones” based on distance from the prime meridian, or Greenwich Mean Time. I have decided to call this new system “Jesus Mean Time”, or JMT. In JMT, the world is divided into twenty-four God Zones. For this system to function, one needs a Godly Center, a point of reference from which to measure all the other God Zones. This is called the Prime Meridian of God, and the holiness of all other places is measured against it .

Then there is the issue of choosing where this Prime Meridian of God will fall. It has to be a place whose inhabitants are close to the Divine Father and may even communicate directly with him. It must be a place of authority and wisdom. The choice was obvious .

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue - otherwise known as the White House .

Once this is established, the God Zone surrounding the Washington, D.C. area obviously becomes the God meridian . We can now proceed to divide the world according to its proximity to God, based on the principle that the farther one is from Prime Meridian of God, the farther one is from the Divine Power .

As God’s chosen country, most of America falls within a reasonable distance of the Prime Meridian of God . As one moves farther west or east, countries become farther and farther away from God, with the exception of the Vatican, which exists within its own unique God Zone. Unlike all the other zones, the Vatican is considered as close to God as the White House, and this is explained by the fact that at any given time the Vatican is at least two hundred years behind the rest of the world .
Eventually one reaches longitude 180 of the JMT system, or the “International God Line”. When traveling west, this represents a sudden jump from “sort of close to God”, like Australia, to “very far from God”, like India .

Of course, you might say, “But most of China falls on the God side of the line, and they’re a bunch of godless communists”. That is true, but China can be proven to be closer to God thanks to the following handy mathematical formula :

When: USA=God, China=Communist=Godless, and Trade=$50 billion per year

Then : China + (Trade x USA) = the Promised Land

                This explains why companies have been so eager to outsource to China. Who wouldn’t want to do business in a country that God has so blessed? Low labour costs, a stable authoritarian government, few environmental restrictions…it is the perfect place for a company to go and make its fortune. In modern society, what could be more pious than making enormous profits through exploiting cheap foreign labour?

And just remember folks; whenever religion is confused with science, the results are bound to be interesting . -R