More Commercials, Please

Rumey’s Newspaper Articles

More Commercials, Please

This is in reply to many people, who in recent times have expressed regret, and in some cases disgust, over the telecasting of too many commercials on TV. For some reason or other, these people are of the opinion that the TV stations will reduce the number of advertisements. They will not. With this enlightened view I have discovered a new way to enjoy television. A change in attitude towards programmes that yields unlimited entertainment. I watch only commercials and treat programs as passing irritations. Far more thought goes into a thirty second detergent commercial than any soap (pun unintended) opera such as the Rude and the Tactless or some similar sounding rot.

Speaking of detergents, I particularly like the ad in which a yellow shirt is transformed into a completely different white shirt by some miracle powder. Although it's obviously a different shirt, I find it quite funny for how dumb they hold the audience that's viewing it.

Of course most commercials are not long enough. There is an ad of a coloured bovine in which the popular protagonist raises a shy finger as if he is about to hitch-hike but then we are interrupted by a rude cricket match, usually in the second or third ball of the over. I would much rather know what happened to the hero after he raised his finger. Did he get a lift or did everyone around him bash him up?

There are the soft drink commercials which are all alike. I never remember which is which. Two jovial cricketers eat a bat and a wicket. Do they get constipation? What do their wives have to say? (After all it is a direct reflection on the wives' cooking.) We will never know. For once again the commercials are too short.

Innumerable mosquito coils have infiltrated our tranquil country and each of them outdo the other in their ads. I personally don't use coils because all my neighbours seem to be using them and their coils attract all the mosquitos away from me.

Then there is the girl with a broken leg up on the mountains who is rescued by identically clad youths on motor bikes. Why didn't they know where she was if they knew she was 'down'? Will her relationship with the valorous rescuer (she develops a rather unnerving attachment to him) develop further? Will he ask her out? By the way, I have always thought that this commercial is for mountain gear but correct me if I'm wrong.

If there is a commission appointed to control commercials my advice to them is:

1. Make it compulsory for ads to be longer and lead us to a proper finish of their story.

2. The plot must be made interesting. (I refer you to the horrendous ad of one supposedly smart man making hideous faces at a TV. This commercial qualifies for the distinction of the worst ad ever.)

3. The ever lively and spontaneous people who can repeat a product name 15 times in 20 seconds without tiring should reveal to the public the brand of the vitamin pill they are using. Maybe another commercial could be arranged on that.

4. At present scheduled items are only delayed (or even advanced on the state channel) for a couple of minutes. This delay should be increased to presidential proportions and the public should be treated to hours of commercials on end prior to any programme. Maybe each news item could be preceded and followed by an ad?

5. Either enforce that a commercial be shown once every two minutes between a programme or ban interfering programmes altogether. (This would actually not be needed since it has nearly happened anyway)

6. TV stations should remember that the remote control has a nice, fat, green button which says "off".

Written by: Rumey Jiffrey,
Faculty of Engineering,
University of Peradeniya,
Peradeniya.

Appeared in edited form in The Sunday Times of Sri Lanka on May 3, 1998 under the title "What would life be without those commercials?"

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