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Title: Words, Words, Words
Author: Circe
E-mail: invidiosa@hotmail.com
Rating: PG-13
Classification: S, A, fill-in-the-blanks for Three Words (lots
of Doggett...deal with it...)
Spoilers: Season 8 up to and including Three Words, and a nod to
The Lone Gunmen series
Archive: Yours for the asking
Disclaimer: I make no claims on any of the characters or the
show. They are property of Fox and its companies.
Acknowledgements: thanks to Carol and M@ for the betas
Summary: Somebody had to tell him...
"Byers, tell her to get the hell out of here," Mulder hissed as
loudly as he could into the mike of his headset. "Tell her I'll
meet her at home."
Doggett had had no choice but to follow Mulder out of the
building. Mulder wouldn't speak to him and he didn't have the
benefit of the Gunmen's voices guiding him. They crept along
the walls crouching and running when they could. Now they
hunkered down in the shadows and waited as the military search
parties regrouped and began to leave. One jeep remained.
He heard Mulder whisper again, "Well, you'll just have to stay
put until you can see a clear way out. Yeah, disconnect this
line before they discover our connection...Don't worry, I'll get
there." Mulder was eyeing Doggett as he said the last sentence.
"Where's your vehicle?" Mulder asked gruffly.
When Doggett realized Mulder was actually speaking to him, he
pointed into the distance and whispered hoarsely, "A way's
away. I didn't think it would be wise to be spotted." There was
sarcasm in Doggett's voice.
Doggett didn't need this. He didn't need Mulder's scorn when
all he was trying to do was help. But then, as he thought about
it, it had taken Doggett months to get Scully to see that. And
here in living colour was the source of her paranoia.
Mulder apparently chose to ignore him. He craned his neck
around the corner to get a better look at the remaining jeep.
"There's still a group of them in the building. We can't be
sure that some of them aren't searching the rest of the
premises."
"Do the Gunmen still have control of the cameras?" Doggett
asked.
Surprise registered on Mulder's face. Of course, Mulder
probably didn't know that Doggett knew the Gunmen, and Doggett
had no idea what everyone had been telling Mulder about him.
He asked, in order to explain, "You said you were talkin' to
Byers, right?" Mulder looked away again and said, "They had to
disengage before they were discovered."
"How are they gonna get out?"
"They'll manage," answered Mulder, through clenched jaws.
"That's it? You're just gonna leave 'em there?" Doggett asked
in disbelief. He had understood that the Gunmen were among
Mulder's very few friends.
"What do you suggest? That I help them like you helped me?
Expose them to the threat of discovery?"
Exasperated, Doggett replied, "I told you, I was set up too.
Why would I come get you if I was trying to expose you?"
"You can't be a double agent unless you play both sides. You
might have Scully fooled, but I see through you."
Doggett stared at him in disbelief. He shook his head. He'd
had enough. He suddenly stood up straight and said out loud,
"You believe what you want, but don't bring Agent Scully into
this." Then he stalked off in plain view.
He didn't look back. He wouldn't give Mulder the satisfaction.
He was sure Mulder was pissed off with him and stunned at his
boldness. And Doggett wanted him to be. He didn't care if he
got caught. Maybe then Mulder might believe him. But he knew
Mulder wouldn't. The guy would make a conspiracy of anything
Doggett did.
Doggett heard running footfall closing in behind him. He was
caught.
Doggett stopped and stood still waiting for the press of a gun
in his back. Instead he felt the slap of a hand across his
shoulder as Mulder ran past him. "Let's go! Move!"
Doggett responded by breaking into a sprint to catch up to
Mulder. He looked back expecting to see an army pursuing them.
There was no one. The coast had been clear. Doggett's angry
defiance had shown Mulder that they weren't being watched, and
Mulder had seized the opportunity and made a run for it. Now
Mulder was pulling Doggett along because he needed him in order
to get back to Scully.
He momentarily considered stopping again. Doggett was feeling
indignant and defiant at Mulder's assumption that he would help
him now. Who the hell did this guy think he was?
But then he remembered why he was out there in the first place:
Agent Scully.
He was worried about her. He'd been worried about her since
they found Mulder dead. He didn't know how one person could
endure so much grief. He knew she had pulled herself together
for the baby's sake, but he didn't know how.
Doggett had stayed on with the X-Files long after everyone would
have expected him to ask for a transfer. He surprised Kersh,
Skinner, and himself when he said he'd have to think about the
promotion that Kersh dangled in front of him. He knew why
though. He had made up his mind that he had to look out for
her. He knew she had more than enough people looking out for
her, but it didn't assuage his guilt. He needed to do more, but
he didn't know how or even whether she'd let him, so he stayed
in the hopes that she would. He wondered if she wanted him to
stay because she had never mentioned him leaving or transferring
until the day Kersh made the offer.
His biggest worry about digging up Mulder's body was how it
would affect her. Her pregnancy was not easy. She had been in
and out of hospitals for as long as they had been partners. The
stress of exhuming the past would be too much for her. He would
never have told her if he had had the choice, regardless of the
fact that they had found Mulder alive but not alive. He would
have waited. What if Mulder died again? Why should she have to
live with burying him again? And if Mulder lived, wouldn't it
have been better for her and the baby to know that he would
make it? He was angry with Skinner for telling her right away.
She had a right to know, Skinner argued with him later. He
couldn't deny that, but he wasn't happy about it either.
Doggett pushed these thoughts aside as he continued to run,
reminding himself that his goal was to get Mulder out of there.
Once they were off the premises, Doggett took the lead. "This
way," he directed Mulder, running towards his truck. He had
parked blocks away in a public street in order to not draw
suspicion.
Doggett stood by the door of his truck rummaging through his
pocket for the keys. Mulder came up beside him instead of
waiting by the passenger door.
"Give me the keys," Mulder ordered.
Doggett looked at him incredulously, and said with annoyance,
"No. Just get in."
"I'm not letting you take me anywhere."
"Well, I don't see how you have much choice in the matter here.
It's my goddamned truck and I drive it."
Mulder repeated, "You're not taking me anywhere."
"Look, I'm taking you back to Agent Scully like I promised and
that's final. Now get in!"
Mulder lunged at Doggett.
--------------
Scully drove home. She didn't know what else to do. She had
waited as long as she could for Mulder without drawing
suspicion. She finally left when Byers told her Mulder would
meet her at home. She just assumed he meant her home. Now
doubt made her worry he meant his home.
Her cell phone let her know that Skinner had called her six
times. She should call him back to let him know that she was
all right, but Skinner would want answers and she couldn't give
them to him yet.
She was absolutely helpless. She couldn't call Mulder or
Doggett. If they were still stuck in the building, their phones
might reveal their location. She couldn't take the chance that
they had turned their ringers off.
She parked in her usual spot and sat for a moment trying to
decide what her next move should be. Everything that happened
this evening had been against her better judgement. She wished
Agent Doggett had never approached her outside her building.
She wished she hadn't gone back in. She wished she hadn't told
Mulder the password.
But what choice had she really had in the end? Mulder needed to
understand what had happened to him. He desperately needed some
form of justice in order to move on. She just hoped that by the
end of it all that they would move on together.
She knew he needed time. Time heals all wounds, she thought
wistfully, knowing full well that all the platitudes in the
world were not going to make her feel any better. She picked up
her cell phone and was preparing to hoist herself out of the car
when she felt a flutter across her belly. She sat back and
smoothed her hand over the tremor. Tears were beginning to
sting her eyes again. Time also waits for no one...
-----------
Doggett wasn't expecting Mulder to move quite so fast, and the
thought that flashed through Doggett's mind, as his head smashed
back onto the tempered glass was that they didn't have time for
this. He ended up pinned against the truck door with Mulder's
forearm across his throat.
He could feel Mulder's voice spitting on his face as Mulder
yelled
into it. "Like you promised? Like your promise to find me? You
don't get to make her any more fucking promises!"
Doggett wasn't thinking anymore as he let impulse and training
take over. Mulder was leaning into him and had left enough room
between them for Doggett's knee to connect with Mulder's body.
Doggett wasn't even sure where he connected, but the impact was
enough to surprise Mulder and knock him backward.
Mulder took a second to shake off the counterattack, and then
lunged at Doggett again. This time Doggett expected it and
moved to dodge Mulder, grabbing his arm as he passed, twisting
it behind him, and shoving him against the truck.
Doggett spoke angrily into Mulder's ear. "Are you gonna listen
to me, or do we have to dance again?"
Even though it was late in the evening, Mulder and Doggett were
beginning to draw a crowd. Doggett increased the pressure on
Mulder's arm until Mulder relented. A uniformed police officer
soon approached them and asked if everything was all right.
Doggett answered, "Yeah, sorry officer, everything's fine. My
friend here just had one too many and stumbled."
"Is that right?" the officer asked Mulder. Mulder held his now
sore arm and simply nodded as Doggett had hoped he would. There
was no sense in drawing any more attention to themselves, still
being so close to the Census building.
The officer turned to Doggett and asked, "You okay to drive?"
"Yes, officer." replied Doggett.
The officer seemed satisfied. "Okay, you make sure he gets home
in one piece."
"I intend to."
Mulder glared at Doggett as the policeman turned to leave.
Doggett glared back as he took the keys from his pocket. He got
in the driver's side of the truck, started the engine, and
waited for Mulder to get in.
Doggett stared out the windshield not looking at Mulder and
barely waited for the passenger door to slam before taking off.
He didn't even allow Mulder time to put on his seatbelt and felt
some satisfaction at the sound of Mulder's head smacking into
the headrest of his seat.
-------------------
In her apartment, Scully waited for any sign that Mulder and
Doggett had made it out. She couldn't sit still. Restless, she
moved between the kitchen table and her couch. She could only
sit for a moment before becoming anxious enough that she had to
move. She clutched both her cell phone and her cordless phone.
Every time she sat, she stared at them, willing either of them
to ring.
Whenever she sat at her table, she remembered why she moved to
the living room. Her laptop was still there with the damned
drive she and Mulder had taken from evidence. It was the reason
for his insane quest tonight. Whenever she looked at it, his
hurtful words about her attempts to stop him came back to her
and she would pull herself up from the wooden chair to move back
to the couch.
She understood his desire for retribution. She had felt it too
when she was returned. But she had also felt a resigned
helplessness. What was the sense in shaking her fist at the
sky? Why waste that energy on the faceless individuals who took
her when there was work to be done? There was no one she could
direct her anger at, so she fell into her work and immersed
herself in forgetting.
But the injustice of his disappearance, the dead end leads
brought back the desire for vengeance, and again she poured that
energy into work with the conviction that it would help them
find him...but all that anger, frustration, ambition and energy
left her with the discovery of his body. And this time, all she
had left was the resigned helplessness.
The unfairness of it all was not to her but to the baby. The
baby would have plenty of male influence in its life. So many
friends were more than willing to be a father figure. Skinner
had become overprotective of her. Doggett offered tidbits of
advice about what he remembered of his ex-wife's pregnancy. The
Gunmen had become keen on babysitting after an adventure with a
Senator's baby. Even their friend Jimmy wanted to be involved.
But it wasn't supposed to be like that.
She and Mulder had never discussed how a child of theirs would
be raised. So much of their time and effort had been placed on
her getting pregnant; there was barely room for thinking of what
would come after. It seemed like they both assumed that he
would be there as he always was there. And when they had given
up hope on conceiving, there was no point in discussing it. In
their grief, they moved on into the new facet of their
relationship so seamlessly. It seemed like a natural
progression.
Learning she was pregnant at the same time she learned of
Mulder's disappearance, Scully had felt like she had been
immersed in a bad soap opera plot. Her mother would have called
this a test of her character and her faith. She'd been through
nearly eight years of tests. How much more did she need to go
through to find out if she had passed?
She prayed. She prayed for what she knew was impossible. She
prayed that it really was a soap opera and she would wake up
soon to find that whole season had been a dream and that things
were back to normal. And she prayed to Mulder when she'd
finally reasoned enough with herself that she couldn't have the
unattainable. She spoke to him in her prayers. She wondered if
he ever heard her. She was too afraid of his answer to ask him.
But her prayers had been answered as Mulder had pointed out.
Her wildest dreams had come true. Mulder was alive again and
she was pregnant. But it wasn't supposed to be like this.
Careful what you wish for, Starbuck. She could almost hear
Ahab's lecture from her childhood again.
What did she expect from Mulder? When he first came to, she was
relieved to see his impish self, but when he started getting
answers to his inevitable questions, he became sullen. As soon
as Scully told him he'd been gone for about six months, although
he was so weak, his face still fell. When she recounted the
story about finding him dead, according to all the physical
evidence, with all hope having disappeared along with Jeremiah
Smith, Mulder simply nodded. She felt like he silently blamed
her for not believing enough, and she took it as a sign that she
had been right for blaming herself all along.
Then his snide comments started. About being taken, about not
being found, about being dead. It was hard to listen to him,
but she excused him to herself, reasoning that he'd been through
so much and he has too much to take in right now.
He brought up the baby by asking if it was his weakened eyes, or
was she walking funny. With even more tears in her eyes and a
small smile, she said, "I didn't know how to tell you..." After
her account, all he asked her was her due date. When he heard
her answer, he seemed to do some mental calculations and then
just nodded silently.
When she brought him home, and he told her he wasn't ready to
deal with it all yet, it stung, but she accepted it. Her heart
did a small leap when he made a remark to Skinner about her
giving birth in six weeks. That he would remember that detail
gave her hope. But it would turn out to be a short-lived joy.
She refused to let herself use the baby as a way to manipulate
Mulder into backing off from his current objective. She knew it
would drive him further away. She wouldn't use the same tactics
she had seen her mother use during her childhood whenever things
were tough. She cringed when Langly had mentioned the baby to
Mulder, and when the Gunmen had made an obvious ploy to hamper
Mulder's efforts after she had asked them to be discreet. But
she fervently hoped it would have an effect. Instead, he made
her feel like she was in the way, and the sting was more painful
this time.
Scully's mind turned back to the present with another kick from
her belly. It isn't supposed to be like this, she thought.
-------------------
They drove in silence, both fuming, until Doggett finally spoke,
"I don't care what you believe, Agent Mulder. I did what I
could with what I had to find you. We all did."
Mulder snorted, "Yeah, right. If you had you're way, I'd still
be buried."
"If I had my way, you'd have been found alive!"
Doggett yelled louder than he expected to. An uneasy silence
fell between the two. Doggett couldn't keep his thoughts
straight. He felt angry and yet guilty. He broke the silence
again. "Look, I'm sorry for what you went through. I know it
wasn't easy."
"What do you know about being dead?"
Doggett muttered, "More than you'd think."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Doggett didn't even know how to begin to explain. He thought
about mentioning the soul eater who saved his life during his
quest to retrace Mulder's steps. Maybe it would impress Mulder,
but now wasn't the time. Instead, he shook his head and
replied, "Nothing."
Doggett continued, "What I'm trying to say is that no one can
ever know what you went through and I don't even pretend to. But
I do know what Agent Scully went through."
Mulder interrupted, "And now you want me to feel guilty about
that?"
"No! For Chrissakes, will you let me talk here?"
Mulder made a mock gesture for Doggett to continue. Doggett
sighed. What a stubborn SOB, he thought. He was still waiting
to see what it was about Mulder that made him worth all the
effort everyone had expended on him. He was still waiting to
catch a glimpse of what it was about Mulder that had captured
Agent Scully's devotion.
He finally said, "I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I
just want you to know what Agent Scully went through so you'll
cut her some slack. God knows she needs it." He paused and
then scolded Mulder, "You shouldn't have brought Agent Scully
tonight."
"I didn't bring her. She came along of her own accord," Mulder
answered.
Doggett retorted, "But you didn't stop her."
"She can take care of herself," Mulder muttered.
"I know that. I know that as well as anybody. She's not
helpless. But it's a different situation now."
"I'm aware."
"Are you? You can't expect her to follow you. She's pregnant
and she hasn't had an easy time of it."
"You expect me to believe that you give a damn about her?"
Mulder shot back at him.
Doggett shook his head and said, "You just don't quit, do you?
It doesn't matter what you think about me or how I feel. What
matters here is her, her health, and her baby. She risked all
of it to find you. And I'm still trying to figure out why
you're worth it. So if you wanna be mad at somebody, you go
ahead and be mad at me. But she doesn't deserve it."
Mulder looked directly at Doggett now, and asked, "What do you
mean, she risked all of it?"
Doggett was confused. Didn't anyone tell him what Scully went
through to get him back? Couldn't he have even guessed what she
was doing all those months? Did he think that they just sat on
their asses waiting for him to show up one day?
Doggett felt a shove to his upper arm. "What do you mean?"
Mulder asked again impatiently.
"I mean that she put herself in reckless situations that she
should never have been in," Doggett answered. Mulder looked
unimpressed so Doggett continued, "You really want to know? All
right. She's been in hospitals more times in the last six
months than I'd like to count. She's regularly admitted for
abdominal pain, which the doctors say is due to stress. One day
she ditched me and got taken prisoner by some cult that decided
to insert their messiah into her spine. To this day, I don't
even know what I cut out of her back. You want me to go on?
She had the crap beaten out of her by something that she was
convinced knew where you were and that somehow turned to green
goo..."
Mulder interrupted angrily, "You were supposed to be her
partner. Why didn't you look out for her?"
"I did! I tried! If she had even told me she was pregnant to
begin with, I can assure you, she wouldn't have put herself in
so much goddamned danger. But because of the number you did on
her head, she didn't think she could tell anyone. Did she tell
you she had an amnio done because she thought the kid was an
alien? Did she tell you she tried to walk out of the hospital
right after because she thought the staff were in on it?"
The words had poured out of Doggett's mouth. He wanted Mulder
to see, but he hadn't intended to blurt it all out. Maybe he
needed to get it out as much as he felt Mulder needed to hear
it. Part of him wished he hadn't said so much so quickly...so
angrily. He turned his eyes off the road to look at Mulder.
Mulder's eyes had closed and he was taking deep breaths.
Suddenly, Mulder struck the dashboard repeatedly with his palms
as a string of profanities roared out of his mouth. Doggett
pulled the truck over to the curb and turned off the engine to
let Mulder's outburst subside.
Mulder said under his breath, "You did this to her."
"I didn't do a damn thing to her. I tried to be her friend.
She never gave up, even when everyone else had, even when we
found you. And when she had no choice but to believe the
evidence at hand, that you were dead, it just about killed her.
It shut her down. I don't know how someone under that much
stress and in that much pain got through what she got through,
but she did. And I'm not going to let you put her back in that
place. Whatever you went through, you're gonna need help
dealing with that, and I hope to God you get it. But she needs
something too. If you can't be that something, I hope you have
the decency to step away and not make her go through losing you
that way again."
Mulder shook his head and said, "I wasn't talking to you." It
took Doggett a moment to understand.
"What do you know about her baby?" Mulder asked quietly.
"Only what the doctors told me three months ago. It's healthy,"
replied Doggett. He tried to make his answer sound positive.
Mulder did not seem relieved by this information. He said
nothing and simply stared at his knees. Mulder's guilt had made
Doggett feel regretful in turn. If the situation had been
different, he began to think, then stopped himself. There was
no point in 'what ifs' anymore. But he took no victory in
getting through to Mulder.
Doggett added softly, "Look, she's got you back. Let her have
that...Let yourself."
Mulder still said nothing and Doggett realized the argument was
over. He started the engine and before Doggett pulled away from
the curb, he saw Mulder pull out his cell phone and press a
button. He glanced to see "Scully" across the illuminated
screen before Mulder put the phone to his ear.
--------------
Her phone rang. She didn't even wait for the caller ID to tell
her who it was. Impatience and anxiety got the better of her.
All night, she just punched 'TALK' whenever her phone rang. She
had to cut conversations with Skinner and the Gunmen short,
reassuring them that she was fine and that she'd call when she
heard from Mulder or Doggett.
She answered the phone as she had all night. "Mulder?"
This time, she got the answer she hoped for. "Yeah Scully, it's
me."
She gasped with relief. "Thank God. Are you all right?"
"Yeah."
"Where's Agent Doggett?"
There was a pause before she heard him sigh and answer. "He's
here." She detected resentment in his voice and decided against
asking for more details.
"The Gunmen...they called and said you got out of the building
before them. I was so worried..."
He replied, "I know. I should have called earlier. I'm okay.
I'll be there in a few minutes."
"Okay," she answered hesitantly, knowing that he would hang up
as soon as she agreed. She wanted to keep him on the phone for
as long as possible to reassure herself that he was indeed all
right.
Instead of the expected click, she heard him sigh again.
"Scully, are you okay?"
She was caught off guard and answered, "Yeah, I'm fine, Mulder."
She heard what she thought was a small chuckle from the other
end. Then he said, "Okay...A few minutes." She heard the
customary click this time.
She moved as fast as she could out of her apartment and stood
out on the street waiting for Mulder to appear. She hadn't even
realized that she'd forgotten her coat until she tried to pull
her cardigan tighter around her to fend off the icy breeze. The
baby moved furiously to let her know that the cold was not
appreciated. Just a bit longer, she thought, trying to placate
the rumbling.
In the distance she could see approaching headlights. She
exhaled when she recognized the pickup truck. She realized she
was holding her breath.
It stopped before her building. Scully watched as Mulder pulled
himself out of the passenger side and slammed the door without
an acknowledgment to the driver. He moved straight to her,
shaking his head. "Scully, what the hell are you doing out
here? It's freezing." He took her cold hands into his.
She was surprised at his gesture of comfort and familiarity. It
had been so long since he had reached for her. Against her
will, she let out a sob as he rubbed warmth into her hands. And
suddenly she didn't care if he was still angry, if he wasn't
ready yet, or if she was being selfish. Desperately, she
grabbed a hold of him and embraced him tightly, burying her face
into his chest. She felt his arms gingerly encircle her. She
felt his hands stroke her back and she heard him whisper, "It's
okay. I'm here." She knew she couldn't stop the tears now if
she tried.
Still holding onto Mulder, Scully looked out to the street to
see Doggett's truck still there. He was watching them with a
sad gaze. She knew he was waiting to make sure everything was
all right. When she caught his eye, she gave him a feeble
smile. He nodded to her, and then pulled away.