(Nearby, K-Chan, MJ, Neko, Tani, Tasuki, Fluffy, Miroku, and Wolfwood are putting their intellects to the task of finding a solution. But, as they are all fortified with Chemical Pops, thoughtfully provided by K-Chan to help them through this time of crisis, the discussion tends to . . . wander. Frequently. Chan, Kibby, HH, Trin, Jesse, Genki, Rei, and Chichiri are also present.)
Tani: *orange* You know, the sky is blue, ‘cause the sun shines through the atmosphere and reflects off the ocean and then that reflects off the ozone layer. (She has a substantial pile of sticks in front of her.)
Tasuki: *blueberry* So, how come the sky’s not, like, orange over the desert or green over the jungle or something?
Tani: It could be. How do YOU know? (Leans in.) Have YOU ever seen the Great Valley? (Giggles.)
K-Chan: Alright, alright, ‘nuff o’ that. So . . . (unwraps a Sour Apple Chemical Pop) . . . what to do about Sano and XJo-Jiminy-Cricket-Chan . . . .
MJ: *cherry* If she’s his conscience, I have a feeling she’s gonna get swatted. I mean, that’s what I did to mine. (Pantomimes plucking something out of her ear, tosses it to the floor, and stomps on it emphatically.) Gooshed ‘im. Li’l bastard . . . always bending my ear with that so-called "perseverance of good" racket . . . .
K-Chan: *Dark Helmet voice* Evil must always triumph . . . (the others join in) . . . because good is dumb!
MJ: ‘Zactly. So, I squished his buggy ass. (Snaps fingers for emphasis.) Problem solved.
Fluffy: *also fairly wasted* (Snaps fingers.) Problem solved . . .
WW: What I wanna know is, how‘d you manage to get a bug in your ear in the first place?
MJ: Hmm . . . (shrugs) Dunno. But he’s gone now.
Fluffy: *high wasted voice* All gone, buh-bye! (Waves at imaginary bug.)
Neko: *perk* Wait a second . . . . (Proceed to have a one-sided conversation with herself.) . . . Yeah . . . Mm-hmm . . . Could be . . . Yes, I think so . . . .
Miroku: Is this a private conversation or can anyone join in?
Neko: (leaps to her feet, startling everyone) I’VE GOT IT!
Trin: *mutters* You’ve got something, all right.
Neko: I know how to cure Sano!
Tasuki: (raises hand) Uh, just to let you know, if it’s the same thing I tried on Boushin, forget it. That doesn’t do anything except piss people off.
HH: *glare* Indeed.
Neko: No, really! Come on, huddle! (They go into a football huddle. A buzz of whispers is heard.)
MJ: *over the whispers* Oh, that’s terrible! Horrible! AWFUL!! (Pops head up and speaks to the camera.) I like it, I like it! (Somebody’s hand pushes her head back down into the circle.)
Neko: OK? OK!
All: *clap* Break!
=
[Later, after much set-up . . . . ]
(Neko gets the thumbs-up from K-Chan.)
Chichiri: *to Neko* A-no . . . Neko-san? Exactly what are you planning on doing, nan no da?
Neko: Oh, we’re going to . . . (whispers in his ear)
Chichiri: (eyes widen) That’s just crazy enough to work, no da!
Neko: (Smiles proudly.) OK, people, on my count . . . one . . . (Sano is oblivious, nose buried in The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.) . . . two . . . (Sano looks up, sensing that something is amiss.) . . . THREE!
(WW, Fluffy, K-Chan, and Tasuki tackle Sano and hold him down, which is no easy task. Neko proceeds to dig in his ear with a pair of tweezers.)
Sano: Ow ow ow! Leggo! Lemme go!
Neko: *mutters* Come on, it’s gotta be in there somewhere . . . .
Sano: (speaking in a completely different voice) Damn you, Neko! Turn me loose!
Tasuki: O.O; Uh, that’s more than a little freaky. (Sano starts thrashing like a cat trying to avoid a bath. The others redouble their efforts to hold him down.)
Sano: (in another different voice) I’ll tear you limb from limb! I’ll fry your livers for hors d’oeuvres! I’ll eat your hearts with plum sauce and chili powder! (Everyone looks a little scared, but they hang on.)
Trin: *flinch* never knew XJo-Chan was so violent.
Sano: (head twists at an impossible angle to speak directly to Trin) Well, then, you’re not very observant, are you?
Trin: O.O;
Genki: Dude, it’s the anime version of "The Exorcist"!
WW: *loudly and dramatically* The power of Chris t compels you! The power of Christ compels you! (Every time he says "Christ", the three monks hold up little signs that say "Buddha". MJ crosses herself.)
Neko: Try and hold him still just a little longer, you guys! I think I’ve almost got it!
Sano: *to Miroku, who is coming to help* You, houshi-sama. Tell them to let me go.
Miroku: (shakes head; kneels beside K-Chan to help hold Sano down) No can do. This is for your own good, Sano . . . XJo-Chan . . . whoever you are.
Sano: *now howling in Gaelic* [subtitle] "Blast you to cinders and damn your soul, you bastard! I’ll kill your firstborn child, eat it for supper, and throw it’s bones to the dogs! May the Devil swallow you sideways and choke on your pecker!"
Miroku: A-no . . . (Turns to K-Chan, whom we’ll assume speaks Gaelic for the purposes of this episode.) . . . what did he say?
K-Chan: *wince* Suffice it to say, you don’t wanna know. Trust me. (Sano struggles more violently.)
Neko: *frustrated* (Sits back with a huff.) I can’t work like this! MJ!
MJ: Yo!
Neko: You find the tea leaves?
MJ: Hai, now what?
Neko: (Remarkably business-like a calm for someone who is trying to dig with tweezers in the ear of a person who is struggling and cursing and foaming at the mouth; tries to resume digging, but fails.) Tear a few of them up, have Chichiri bless them, and drop them into Sano’s mouth.
MJ: (thinking her friend is completely bonkers) Um, OK . . . (Tears up a few tea leaves.) Chichiri-sama, will you do the honors.
Chichiri: (nodds, about as serious as one can get with that smiley mask on) Hai, nan no da.
Sano: (yet another voice; Spanish this time) [subtitle] "You will die! All of you will die! The vultures will feed upon your flesh!" (Switches to English, in XJC’s voice.) Let me out! Let me out! Ocha wo ippai! [Give me tea!] ¡Yo quiero Taco Bell! (Back to demon voice in Spanish.) "Your miserable carcasses will be feast for the worms!"
MJ: Damare! [Shut up!] (Drops the shredded tea leaves into Sano’s mouth.)
Sano: (chokes, gnashes teeth, which grinds up the tea leaves; relaxes, chewing the tea leaves.) *very out-of-character contented sigh* (WW, Fluffy, K-Chan, Tasuki, Miroku, Neko, and MJ breathe sighs of relief.)
Neko: *back to business* Much better. (Resumes digging with tweezers.)
Fluffy: Yes indeedy!
K-Chan: *to Fluffy* OK, Fluffy-kun, I’m cutting you off.
=
Miroku: Oya maa, Neko-san, you’re brilliant! (Sano growls; Miroku casually swats him with an ofuda.) Houriki! (Sano subsides.) How did you know what to do?
Neko: XJo-Chan has a profound weakness for tea, especially when she gets emotional. It calms her down.
MJ: (protests) No, it doesn’t! (WW smacks her.)
WW: Shut up, bitch. Neko speaks.
MJ: (rubs sore jaw ruefully, muttering and giving WW the "Boy-are-YOU-gonna-get-it!" glare.)
K-Chan: Oh, I get it! And having it blessed by a monk helps to control the demonic tendencies, right? (Chichiri smiles and draws himself up importantly.)
Neko: (uncomfortable glance to Chichiri) Actually, that was just to fit in with the whole "Exorcist" motif.
Chichiri: *disappointed* Aw, nuts, no da.
Neko: Gomen, Chich-kun.
Tani: *ever the optimist* Hey, it still worked, didn’t it?
Chichiri: Hai, deshou ne . . . [I suppose.] *beat* . . . I need a Chemical Pop, nan no da. (Starts toward the box.)
Fluffy: (restrains him) Oh no, you don’t! I remember what happened last time and I really don’t feel like playing Suicide Prevention Squad with you right now. Get me?
Chichiri: (nodds sullenly)
Neko: (stops digging with tweezers; sits back) *sigh* I give up.
Chan: Just out of curiosity, what were you trying to do, anyway?
Neko: It occurred to me that XJo-Chan might be in the form of a bug inside Sano’s ear, but I guess I was wrong.
Tani: Hm, oainiku, Neko-chan.
Neko: Yeah . . . (Gets up, dusts herself off.) Oh yeah! Almost forgot! (Reaches down and removes the ofuda.)
MJ: Um, is that wise?
Sano: (sits up, jovial and friendly, like nothing ever happened) Is the tea ready yet?
Neko: Honestly, M-Chan, you worry too much.
MJ: I’m allowed to. I’m old. (The gang goes back to their original setup from the beginning of the episode.)
Tani: So, anyway, like I was saying . . . . what was I saying?
Tasuki: Something about the Great Valley, or some wacked-out crap like that. I still have no idea what you were talking about.
Fluffy: *substantially wasted* Sounds like fun! How d’you get there?
Tani: *sappy drifting faces/candles/mystical echoes effect* "The bright circle must pass over us many times, . . . . and we must follow it each day to where it touches the ground."
Trin: *joining in* "Follow the bright circle past the great rock that looks like a long-neck and past the mountains that burn."
WW: *aside to IY* This is starting to sound like a passage from Revelation.
IY: What the bloody hell are you talking about?
K-Chan: *continuing* "Your heart will guide you. It whispers, so listen closely." (Enter Nuriko, Jukai, and Spike.)
Tasuki: OK, that was the single most formulaic thing I’ve ever heard. I have no idea what you girls just said.
Fluffy: Me neither . . . but it sounds so pretty!
Spike: Not that all this isn’t extremely fascinating . . . . *mutters* and it isn’t . . . . but how do you know it’s even there?
MJ: Some things you see with your eyes. Others, you see with your heart.
Nuriko: Whatever the hell THAT means . . . .
Spike: *to Jukai and Nuriko* You guys told me your friends were a little crazy, but you neglected to mention that they’re certifiably insane!
K-Chan: (rocks back and forth) They’re coming to take me away, haha . . . .
Spike: *sigh* I need a smoke. (Produces cig and lighter from somewhere on his person.)
MJ: (as he goes to light up) A-HEM. (One hand rests on her hip, the other points to the "No Smoking" sign directly overheard, her foot tapping impatiently.)
WW: *eye roll*
Spike: (Shrugs; swallows cigarette.)
All: Eew!
Spike: *sigh* So many public places are non-smoking these days.
WW: (pats him on the back) I feel your pain, man. MJ don’t help matters much here, either.
MJ: Help? Here’s an idea: quit.
WW: (salutes) Sieg heil, Fraulein Smoking Nazi!
MJ: (casually bops him over the head)
K-Chan: *rather louder than necessary* What the HELL is wrong with smoking? Not that I smoke . . . . cigarettes . . . . I confess nothing . . . . nor deny nothing . . . . aw hell, I need a Chemical Pop. (Goes to fetch herself one.)
Tasuki: Oh, boy, she’s flipped. K-Chan’s lost it.
Neko: Got news for you, buddy. K-Chan lost it a long time ago.
=
K-Chan: Oi, what the hell is this? (Pulls Kibby out of the box of Chemical Pops by one foot. He squirms out of her grip and drops to the floor.)
Chan: Kibby, how many times have I told you to stay out of the big people’s candy box?
Jukai: (noticing the strawberry Chemical Pop that Kibby has managed to get his furry claws on) Um . . . is he supposed to have that?
Chan: No . . . . Kibby, drop it! (Too late. Kibby puts the pop in his mouth.) Uh-oh . . . . (Fire bell sound effect is heard.)
Kibby: O.O (ears flap) Ya-HOOO! (Shoots into the air like a furry miniature rocket and begins bouncing off the walls and ceiling. Everyone hits the deck. Jukai doesn’t duck fast enough and Kibby beans him right in the melon.)
Jukai: *eyes cross* Daaaaaa . . . . . *passes out*
Chan: What have you done to my Kibby!
K-Chan: Wow, my Chemical Pops have never had THAT effect before! (They all duck as Kibby whizzes by.)
Chichiri: Probably because you never gave one to a koala before, no da.
K-Chan: Probably . . . . (They all duck as Kibby whizzes by.)
Sano: He has too much kinetic energy? What’ll we do?
Miroku: *stands* I’ll stop him. (Starts to remove rosary.)
Neko: No, don’t! (She tackles him and Kibby barely misses them, leaving a slight dent in the wall.)
MJ: K-Chan, dear, I do hope you realize I’m going to hold you accountable for the damages caused by this little escapade.
K-Chan: *groan*
(Meanwhile, Neko and Miroku have landed in a very compromising position and are currently staring into each other’s eyes.)
Miroku: *finds his voice first* A-Arigatto, Neko-san . . . .
Neko: *doukidoukidouki* Uh . . . sure . . . . (Chichiri looks jealous.)
MJ: Shmooze later, you two! Right now, we need to be more worried about the fluffed koala ricocheting around over our heads at a high rate of speed. (They duck as Kibby whizzes by, as if to emphasize the point.) Any suggestions? *beat*
Neko: Chichiri’s kasa! *group flump* [AN: According to Neko, the answer to any unanswerable question is "Chichiri’s kasa". Don’t ask. I don’t know.]
Tasuki: (grabs the kasa) Gimme a break . . . .
Chichiri: Hey! What do you think you’re doing, no da?
Tasuki: (shakes kasa overhead) What the hell could this thing possibly do?! (Kibby flies straight into the kasa and disappears.) *stunned silence* Whoa . . . .
Chichiri: (stands up; dusts himself off) THAT’S what it can do, no da!
[Meanwhile, on Mt. Taitiouku . . . . ]
Kibby: (suddenly appears out of thin air high in the sky) Waaaaauuuuuugh! (Falls.)
Lai-Lai: (below, completely oblivious) *hums* (Picks a flower; smells it.) Pretty! (She suddenly notices a shadow from overhead. She looks up.) Eh?
Kibby: KYAAAAAH! (He lands on Lai-Lai.) *BAM*
Lai-Lai: Itaaaaiiiii . . . . Taiitsukun, small furry animal fall out of sky and hurt us, hurt us!
Kibby: *eyes crossed* Oog . . . .
=
[Back on the bus . . . . ]
K-Chan: Nice going, Tasuki! That’s usin’ the old noodle!
Tasuki: *blush*
Neko: *to Miroku* Honestly, I know you wanted to help, but sucking Kibby into a black hole is not, I repeat, NOT going to make you very popular around here. And some of these guys are still a little sore at you over the whole double identities bit.
Miroku: (flashing that smile) But not you. (Yes, he’s flirting.)
Neko: *blush*
Chichiri: *vein pop* Yoush, that does it, no da. (Grabs Miroku by the collar.) May I have a word with you? (Yanks him aside rather forcefully. Removes mask; speaks in a low, serious voice.) Listen, lech-monk, you stay away from Neko-san, understand? (Pokes Miroku in the chest with one finger for emphasis.) She’s mine.
Miroku: *visibly ticked off* Since when? (Tension tension tension.)
Chichiri: Teme no shitta koto ka! [None of your damn business!] (By now, the others have noticed what’s going on. A verbal fistfight between two monks is kinda hard to ignore.)
Miroku: Oh, really? Why don’t we ask Neko-san then, ne?
Chichiri: Are you calling me a liar, bouzu?
Miroku: Well, to be perfectly frank . . . yes.
Chichiri: *vein pop pop pop* If you weren’t a fellow houshi, Miroku, I’d kick your ass, no da.
Miroku: (They’re really getting in each other’s faces now.) Don’t let that bother ya, ojiji. [Old man {rude}]
MJ: A-no, could you guys stop hosing the bus down with testosterone, please? Somebody might slip.
Neko: (stepping between them) Come on, guys, don’t fight! We’re all supposed to be friends here!
Chichiri: (glaring at Miroku over Neko’s head) We were . . . until this lech started muscling in on MY territory, no da.
Miroku: (gives him a dirty look)
Genki: *aside to Trin* Do you sense a grudge match in the making here?
Trin: *nodd nodd* Mm.
Jukai: *theatrical tear* Can’t we all just . . . get along?
Sano: We could, but it’s ever so much more entertaining when we don’t!
MJ: Yeah, what do you want? A short series?
K-Chan: *to the monks* Do I have to separate you two?
WW: Maybe you should . . . .
Chan: *slightly panicked* Never mind THAT! WHERE’S KIBBY?!
Chichiri: (smiles reassuringly at Chan) He’s on Mount Taitiouku. They’ll take care of him there until we can pick him up, no da.
Miroku: That reminds me . . . what’s with the mohawk? I mean, you’re a monk, not a rock musician.
Chichiri: *much vein popping*
Tani: Oh boy, now ya gone and done it . . . .
K-Chan: (physically separating them before they start throwing punches) Yoush, both of you have a seat. (They sit down on opposite sides of the bus, glaring daggers at each other.) Oh, knock it off! Can’t you guys get along? (The monks maintain the poisonous glares, but force insincere smiles. K-Chan rolls her eyes.) Much better.
Nuriko: This is not a happy bus.
Tasuki: No sh!t, Sherlock. (Nuriko casually clocks him over the head.)
=
Tani: He’s right, you know. We have to cheer this place up!
Shippou: Let’s play a game!
Spike: You MUST be joking.
Fluffy: *haughtily* Do you honestly think that I, Sesshoumaru, would stoop so low?
MJ: Um, unless you want K-Chan to take your head off, yes.
K-Chan: (gives Fluffy her version of the Glare O’ Death)
Fluffy: *sweatdrop* Very well then.
K-Chan: Yoush, how about some word association? Miroku-kun, we’ll start with you. I’ll say a word and you say the first thing that pops into your head.
Miroku: *hesitantly* Um . . . OK . . . .
K-Chan: OK, then. We’ll start with . . . um . . . evil.
Miroku: *without hesitation* M-Chan.
MJ: Present!
Trin: Christmas.
MJ: No! That’s not what I . . . . never mind.
Tani: Candy.
K-Chan: Chemical Pops!
Fluffy: (shakes head) Christ . . . .
Chichiri: Buddha.
Genki: Temple.
WW: Ceremony.
Neko: Tea.
Sano: (looking around wildly) WHERE?
Neko: (wordlessly hands him a mug of tea)
Sano: (happily guzzles the tea)
Tasuki: *glance* Psycho . . . .
Chan: Movie.
Jesse: Popcorn.
MJ: *twitch twitch*
Jukai: Something MJ doesn’t like.
Miroku: People smoking on the bus.
MJ: *glare* Wolfwood.
Everyone: "The power of Christ compels you! The power of Christ compels you!" (Again, the monks hold up their "Buddha" signs.)
Trin: Exorcism.
Tani: XJo-Chan.
K-Chan: Hats.
Neko: (jumps in) Chichiri’s kasa!
Chan: *sadly* Kibby . . . .
Fluffy: . . . . the Flying Marsupial.
Chan: *glare* Not funny.
Nuriko: Annoying . . . .
Spike: Women . . . .
All Females: *GLARE*
Sano: Something Miroku likes . . . too much . . . . (sips tea)
WW: *bluntly* Sex.
Fluffy: (spins plate)
K-Chan: Tiddlywinks.
Sano: *shudder* Smart . . . .
Chichiri: Games.
Tani: Wink.
MJ: Me!
Miroku: Evil.
K-Chan: And we’ve come full circle. See, that wasn’t so bad, was it? (Blank, indifferent looks from just about everybody.)
Chichiri: *shrug*
Tasuki: Actually . . . that was kind of fun.
MJ: *aside to Tani* (Kisses fingertips and pats her rear end, signifying "Kiss-ass.")
Tani: (chuckles)
K-Chan: Aw, Tasuki, you’re such a sweetie! *hug*
Tasuki: *much blushing*
Nuriko: *to Rei* He’s doing a lot of that today, isn’t he?
Rei: *nodd* Mm-hmm. (Enter Saja and Kouga.)
Saja: Hi guys. How’s every . . . . whoa whoa whoa! (To K-Chan.) And just exactly WHAT do you think you’re doing?
Genki: Uh-oh, here’s another grudge match in the making!
K-Chan: I’m giving Tasuki a hug. (Stands.) You got a problem with that?
Saja: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do!
K-Chan: And just exactly what are you gonna do about it?
MJ: Um, nothing while you’re on MY bus, OK? (They ignore her.)
Saja: Don’t make me hurt you!
K-Chan: Bring it on!
Tasuki: Ladies, ladies! There’s enough of me to go around!
Both: Shut up! (They continue to argue.)
Trin: The days after Christmas are gonna be epic.
MJ: *aside to Neko* Who’s that, Neko? (Points to Kouga.)
Neko: That’s Kouga. He’s a wolf youkai.
MJ: Sengoku Jidai?
Neko: Yup.
MJ: He’s, um . . . *once-over* . . . interesting.
Neko: *dubiously* Interesting?
MJ: (nodds) Interesting. *beat*
Neko: Oh, just say it!
MJ: What?
Neko: *knowingly* You think he’s a hottie.
MJ: *turning slightly red* I hate it when you do that.
Neko: I don’t need to read your mind. Your face is an open book.
MJ: Shaddup . . . .
Neko: Come on, admit it . . . . you like him, don’t you?
MJ: (smiles mysteriously) Maybe . . . .
Next Episode