(Open with recap ending of last episode.)
Neko: Why are you and Miroku fighting?
(Camera pans across Chichiri’s eyes. Voiceover is heard.)
Chichiri: *voiceover* Listen, lech-monk, you stay away from Neko-san, understand? She’s mine.
Miroku: *voiceover* Since when?
Chichiri: *voiceover* Teme no shitta koto ka! [None of your damn business!]
Miroku: *voiceover* Oh, really? Why don’t we ask Neko-san then, ne?
(Camera cuts to neko and pans across her eyes. More voiceovers.)
Neko: *voiceover* Come one, you guys, don’t fight! We’re all supposed to be friends here!
Chichiri: *voiceover* We were . . . until this lech started muscling in on my territory, no da.
Neko: *thought* What did he mean?
Chichiri: *aloud* We’re fighting because . . . we both want something . . . and only one of us can have it, no da.
Neko: What is it that you both want?
Chichiri: (averts eyes) You . . . . *long silence*
Neko: M-Me? Demo . . . doushite?
Chichiri: Miroku . . . well, let’s face it, he wants to get laid. There’s no way around it, no da.
Neko: And what about you? *beat*
Chichiri: Neko-san . . . . (Bus door slams open.) YOU!
Miroku: *in doorway, partial silhouette*
(Shot of the back of the bus. Miroku goes flying over the camera and strikes the back wall. Cut to the front of the bus, where Chichiri is standing, along with Neko. He looks pissed, she looks concerned.)
Neko: (starts to run forward) Miroku!
Chichiri: (grabs her arm) Forget him, Neko. Your place is with me now.
(K-Chan moves to interfere. Fluffy blocks her.)
Fluffy: Iie. Let them settle it their way. It’s for the best. *slightly sinister smile* Besides, this could be entertaining . . . .
Miroku: (sits up slowly, apparently in pain) Houjin . . . let her go.
Neko: *doukidoukidouki*
Chichiri: Keh, not in this lifetime! From now on, Neko belongs to me.
Miroku: (gets to his feet) You’re making a big mistake. (Starts forward.) I’m not going to be able to forgive you for hurting Neko-san, but we can still settle this peacefully. (Stops about two feet away.) Now let her go.
*Long tense silence*
Chichiri: Aw hell, damnit! (Slugs Miroku in the jaw.)
Miroku: (Stumbles back. There is a long pause. He puts a hand to his mouth. When he takes it away, his fingertips are bloody.) Keh, is that all you’ve got? (Neko ducks out of the way as Miroku fires a right hook to Chichiri’s jaw.) You weakling!
Chichiri: (Head snaps back, then forward. There is a neat line of red circles across his cheekbone from the rosary. He glares at Miroku fiercely.) I’ll give you a weakling, bouzu! (Throws another punch. A fist fight ensues between the two houshis. The other cast members look on, some worried, some, well . . . not.)
Fluffy: (produces a bowl of popcorn from somewhere and settles down to watch the fight.)
MJ: (watching the fight as well) Five bucks says the lech-monk wins.
IY: I’ll see your five and call it, double or nothing.
MJ: You’re on.
Neko: M-Chan, this is not the time to be taking sides! *beat* Ten dollars on Chichiri. (Slaps a ten dollar bill on the table.)
IY: (shakes head) Shameful, absolutely deplorable.
Neko: (after thought, slaps another ten onto the table) No, wait. Ten dollars on Miroku. (Glances back and forth, uncertain.) Uh . . . um . . . AW, DAMNIT!! (Collapses into a chair with her head in her hands.) I’m confuuuuused!
Fluffy: Occupational hazard of being Neko. (Beans MJ with a piece of popcorn.)
MJ: Must you?
Fluffy: *smile* Yes.
(Chichiri lands a couple of punches in a row. Miroku staggers back a few steps, bleeding from both nose and mouth.)
Chichiri: Had enough?
Miroku: (wipes the blood off his face) That does it. Now I’m miffed! (Discreetly removes rosary, keeping fist closed.) You want a piece of me?
Chichiri: Bring it on, bitch!
Miroku: You asked for it. (Sweeps hand up and forward.) Kaze ana!
Chichiri: O.O Oh sh!t, no da. (Throws a punch which doesn’t connect. The void starts to pull him in.)
Neko: *on her feet* No, Miroku! Don’t do it!
Miroku: (ignores her)
Chichiri: (The kasa clatters to the floor as he is lifted off his feet.) Neko! (Cut to Neko for a second. Her eyes are wide and teary.) Wo ai ni, Neko-chan. (He disappears.)
Neko: (wails) Noooooo! *tears* (Amiboushi restrains her. WW restrains MJ from tearing a certain monk limb from limb. Barely.)
Miroku: *rattle of rosaries as he closes the void* Well, that’s that. (Turns to the rest of the group. Falls over.) Ow . . . . (There is stunned silence, except for Neko crying.) Aw, Neko, don’t cry. Please?
MJ: (shakes off WW, walks slowly and purposefully around the table, and stands toe-to-toe with the monk. She looks PISSED.) You’ve got one helluva nerve telling her that, bouzu. (Bitch-slaps him across the face, bloodying his nose again.) You bastard! How could you! (Storms off the bus in tears.) [AN: Chichiri is one of my favorite characters, too.]
Tani: I’ll go after her.
Kouga: No, you stay here with Neko. I’ll go. (Exits.)
Neko: (picks up the kasa) Chichiri . . . . *tear*
Miroku: (puts an arm around her shoulders) Daijoubu, Neko-san.
Neko: (shrugs him off, angrily) Is it?
Miroku: Sure it is! There’s only one monk in your life now. That ought to diminish some of the confusion.
IY: *mutter mutter can’t believe he’s being so selfish mutter mutter*
Miroku: Of course, no da. (Blinks.) Excuse me . . . . (Rushes to the bathroom in the back and slams the door.)
Neko: *twitch* Did he just say what I think he just said?
Jukai: Couldn’t be . . . .
Amiboushi: . . . . could it? (Sounds of Miroku beating his head against the wall are heard.)
K-Chan: O-kaaay . . . time to get him on Prozac.
Miroku: (opens bathroom door. His robes are a bit disheveled; so is his hair.) That’s much better.
HH: Daijoubu, Miroku-san?
Miroku: Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be, no da? (Claps hand over mouth; rushes back into the bathroom and proceeds to beat his head against the wall some more.)
Spike: Somebody’s a little confused.
(Tasuki stumbles up the bus steps, sporting a black eye. Sano enters behind him, dusting off his knuckles and grinning triumphantly.)
Sano: We’re back!
[Elsewhere . . . . ]
(MJ has also disappeared, although not into a demon-born void in the palm of a monk’s hand. Kouga is out looking for her. The area around the bus is thick with tall trees for the purposes of this episode.)
Kouga: *calling out* M-CHAN! (No answer.) Come on, say something, will ya?
(Cut to tree trunk, steadily ascending until the camera comes upon MJ, seated in the crook of several branches that form a sort of tripod basket seat. Kouga is heard hollering from below.)
Kouga: *from ground* Oi, MJ, where are ya?
MJ: *shortly* You needn’t shout. I’m not deaf.
Kouga: (looking around) Nani? Where are you?
MJ: Right here.
Kouga: (peering around the tree) Where? I don’t see you.
MJ: That’s because you’re looking in the wrong direction.
Kouga: Eh?
MJ: Look up.
Kouga: (looks up, sees MJ sitting high up in the tree) Wow, how’d you get way up there?
MJ: *simply* It’s written in the script.
Kouga: (pulls out a script, leafs through it) Well, so it is . . . . (Ditches script; begins to climb tree in a series of leaps from branch to branch.)
(Camera - level with MJ. Kouga enters on right side of frame.)
MJ: Showoff.
[Back on the bus . . . . ]
(Miroku is still in the bathroom, leaning on the sink and staring at his face in the mirror. Sweat dots his brow. The face he sees in the mirror is not his own, but Chichiri’s.)
Miroku: *to himself* What the hell is wrong with me? (He suddenly twitches and Chichiri seems to speak from within him without Miroku’s consent.) "Where would you like me to start, no da?" (Another twitch and he is back to himself again.) N-Nani?
*twitch* I’ve got a list a mile long, no da.
*twitch* (Miroku claps his hands over his ears momentarily.) No, no, stop it, stop it!
*twitch* YOU stop it, no da!
*twitch* You stop it!
*twitch* You!
*twitch* You!
*twitch* You!
*twitch* You!
*twitch* You!
*twitch* Aaargh! (Claps hands to sides of head, panting and wide-eyed.)
[Outside the washroom . . . . ]
(The rest of the cast is crowded around with their ears pressed to the wall.)
Saja: (as thuds are heard from inside) What’s he DOING in there?
Spike: Here’s a life lesson for ya: Never ask a question unless you’re sure you want to know the answer.
K-Chan: (bats at him) Sh! I can’t hear!
(Split screen. Cast on one side, Miroku on the other, the wall in the middle.)
Miroku: (muttering, rocking back and forth) This can’t be happening . . . . this can’t be happening . . . .
*twitch* Sure it can, no da.
*twitch* O.O; Eh?
*twitch* Well, you’re awake and you’re sober, so this must be happening, no da.
*twitch* Oh yeah? . . . (Smacks self across face.) Ha! I AM dreaming! That didn’t . . . . (Stops; puts hand to side of face in pain.) . . . . ow.
*twitch* I TOLD you, no da.
*twitch* O.o;
[Up a certain tree . . . . ]
Kouga: *to MJ, as they are perched on the branch* Anyhow, the others sent me to bring you back. So, come on, let’s go.
MJ: (crosses arms stubbornly) Iie.
Kouga: *sigh* I don’t have time for this. Iko. [Let’s go.] (Jumps down from tree. MJ stays put. Kouga, now on the ground, looks up.) MJ!
MJ: I told you, I’m not going!
Kouga: *exasperated sigh/eye roll* Let’s go, bitch. Get your ass in gear!
MJ: No way.
Kouga: *beginning to lose it* Get down here right now! (No response.) I’m WAITING!
MJ: Yeah, and you’re gonna wait a while longer, too!
Kouga: *mutter mutter* Wench. (Looks up, notices that MJ is randomly wearing IY’s rosary.) Eh? Hmm . . . (Scratches head for a minute, then the little light bulb goes off.) Meh, it’s worth a shot! Osuwari! [Sit!]
MJ: (plummets to the ground) Itai!
Kouga: Dude, it worked! (Hoists MJ onto his shoulder.) Right then, back to the bus. (Trots off, with MJ hollering every step of the way.)
MJ: (yelling for all she’s worth) Damn you, Kouga! Put me down!
Kouga: OK. You’re ugly, you’re obnoxious, and your mother dresses you funny.
MJ: You son of a bitch, I’m gonna kick your ass! Put me down! Put me down! (Kouga ignores her squalling all the way back to the bus.)
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