By: E*A

It's not great, because I miss her. I miss her a million times over. I think she misses me, too, because when she calls every night I can hear it in her voice. She misses me.

"That's great, Chris! I'm so happy for you."

Ally's always been there for me, too. We've been dating for three years. God, this is the first time I feel like I can't be there for her. I want to fly her out, so we can hang out, but she's so busy with school.

I'm so proud of her, though. She's going to college, she's a senior and she's graduating this year. I don't know if I'll be able to make it to her graduation, though. I've never dated a girl who's been to college before Ally.

Ally was gave me a lot of my firsts, though. She gave me my first kiss when we were in middle school. We used to be friends before we dated. Now we're friends and a couple. She gave me my first skateboard, my first Rancid CD, my first drum lesson, my first…time.

"You'll be on the road a lot. I'll try to visit you when I don't have class. I'll miss you a lot."

I think it'd probably be better for both of us if we broke up. Wouldn't it? It would be. I'd be miserable, but I don't understand how it'd be different from how I am now. I'm miserable.

I'm lonely, too. I'm so lonely.

I did something so bad the other night. I can't believe I did it.

I slept with another girl.

I'm horrible. I hate myself. I'm a bastard.

The worst part is I have no plans to tell Ally.

I'm a bastard. I betrayed her trust. I went behind her back and cheated on her.

I deserve to be lonely and miserable and half dead. I deserve to be thrown in a gutter somewhere outside of next town.

"Don't worry, Chris. It'll work out. It's worked out for three years. It just won't end because you're on tour more, now. It'll work out."

I deserve to be hated, because she's so understanding. God, if I told her I slept with another girl, she might even take me back against her better judgment. I could play her like that. I know I could, because I'm the biggest bastard that ever walked this earth.

So, was it worth it to cheat on Ally?

Was it?

No. No. No.

It wasn't worth it. A thousand times over, it wasn't worth it. I'd take that night back in an instant, because that short satisfaction wasn't worth always feeling guilty and even lonelier than before.

I'm so empty. I'm so lonely. I'm so drained. I'm half dead, and I can barely even see her face at night anymore.

"You're a great drummer. You've had this break coming for awhile."

She liked some bad music. I hated that. When I'd sleep over at her house, we'd listen to music while we slept.

She liked Coldplay and Train and Creed. Creed. I despise Creed. I despise Scott Stapp. I despise his hair. I despise his leather pants and linen shirts that have seemingly lost most, if not all, of their buttons.

But she did like some good music, like Rancid, Nirvana, and she actually got me into the Butthole Surfers. Don't knock it.

I remember I had chicken pox when I was 19. Ally came over and brought her Butthole Surfers CD. She sat with me for awhile, and it was nice since my parents weren't there to take care of me, but she was.

"I want you to call me everyday, but your cell phone bill will get too high."

Ally was always considerate. She was always thinking of others. Honestly, I don't think she thought about herself enough. That was probably why she would take me back if I told her what I had done: she wouldn't want me to hurt.

I deserve to hurt and to burn in hell.

Benji keeps talking about how he wants a girlfriend, but how he'd never get one because he'd be too afraid that he'd cause her too much pain or that he'd be worse off.

I don't know what to tell him, because he considers my relationship with Ally to be perfect. I'm afraid to tell them that I cheated on her, because I don't want the guys to think less of me. I'm also paranoid that she'll find out.

I know she'll find out sooner or later. This isn't the kind of secret that can sit idle in someone for long. Even with me, I'm sure it'll kick and punch its way out.

I just can't keep a secret like that.

Can anyone?

"Just go out there and have fun. Don't worry about me."

Maybe she's done the same thing. I mean, if I was lonely she probably was, too. Right? She probably needed someone just like I did, right?

"I love you, Chris."

No. She's so much stronger. She's probably sitting at home actually finding ways to handle being alone.

I'm a bastard.

I'm a bastard.

Someone shoot me. I'm a bastard.

I hate myself. I hate myself a million times over and I don't care if I go to hell. I deserve worse than hell. Send me past the ninth level of hell. Send me to the nineteenth level of hell.

And the pain of the guilt that I feel right now is worse than the loneliness. I cheated on the only girl I've ever made love to, the only girl I've ever laid in bed with, the only girl who really loves me, and the only girl I really love.

My name is Chris Wilson, I'm the drummer for Good Charlotte, and I'm a bastard.

Before I tell her, I'll gouge my eyes out with spoons, so I won't have to see her cry. Just don't let me see Ally cry.